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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

paying for someone else's honeymoon...

308 replies

Mumtomaybebabybella · 11/05/2011 17:22

I can't decide how I feel about this.

I have had two wedding invitations this week. The first one had TWO gift list requests in it - one for JLewis and one for trailfinders.

The second one has a link to a website where I can make a cash contribution to the couple's honeymoon in the Maldives OR buy them one of a selection of things such as a massage on honeymoon or a boat trip.

I suppose I just feel that I paid for my own honeymoon, honeymoon meals and excursions so why should I pay for someone else's?

I should also mention that we would be required to travel quite a distance to the second wedding and pay for a hotel, etc.

It says on the invite that our presence is gift enough - but it clearly isn't , is it?

I'm sure I'll be flamed. I'm just not keen on paying for someone else's luxury holiday tbh, though I will do it in both cases.

OP posts:
MaryThornbar · 11/05/2011 19:27

:)

muminthecity · 11/05/2011 19:31

I can barely afford a weekend on the Isle of Wight so would be a bit pissed off if I had to pay for someone to have a sensual massage on their luxury trip to the bloody Maldives. Yes I am indeed bitter and jealous, in case you were in any doubt Grin

In all seriousness though, I do think it's horrid and grasping to tell guests what to buy, especially to do so in the wedding invitation.

Original poster
Mumtomaybebabybella · 11/05/2011 19:38

The thing is up until this morning I quite liked the groom. I still do, but I find their list grasping and greedy. Definitely takes the goodwill out of buying a gift for me.

OP posts:
Shaxx · 11/05/2011 19:38

I don't get this attitude about resenting a gift list/cash request at weddings.
I've always been more than happy to put some notes in an envelope or go online and click on a gift.
It makes life so much easier then traipsing around shops trying to find a lovely and unique gift.
I've never resented buying trailfinder vouchers either. I think its lovely that the couple get to go on a honeymoon that they may not be able to otherwise afford.

Surely its easier for everyone? And if they are your friends, then I'm sure they won't mind that you could only get them what you can afford.

PinotGrigiosKittens · 11/05/2011 19:39

I see your point OP. I'd be the same. It's a shame :(

Original poster
Mumtomaybebabybella · 11/05/2011 19:40

It's not about what I can afford though. I can afford, and am willing to spend around £50. I just don't like being told what to buy, I'd rather ask, and tbh would prefer not to pay for someone's honeymoon when I paid for my own!

OP posts:
Shaxx · 11/05/2011 19:41

Well I paid for my own toaster but wouldn't resent buying one for someone else if thats what they wanted.

saffy85 · 11/05/2011 19:41

I personally don't mind giving cash opposed to a toaster or whatever as a wedding gift if that is what people want.

However, I was a bit Hmm at the gift list that came with an invite we got last year, detailing the 3 week honeymoon the couple wanted at a 5 star resort which included a private beach, a 4 day safari and the kind of luxury we will, never, ever be able to afford. Hmm because while the bride and groom aren't exactly millionaires they are a damn sight better off than the vast majority of the bride's family (don't know the groom or his family well enough to comment) and bitter envious because at the time we couldn't even afford a wet weekend at Butlins. Yes ok jealousy is an ugly emotion but the invite was really showy offy....

buggerlugs82 · 11/05/2011 19:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

meditrina · 11/05/2011 19:52

shaxx: no one has said they have a problem with a couple having a list.

There is the risk of looking grasping if the list is sent out with the invitations: much better to send it our only in response to requests for it (easily done with your RSVP, so no extra effort to guests, and minimal to hosts - though of course it is entirely up to them to decide if the benefit (of being snicker-proof) is worth that effort).

Then there's the separate question of what you do if you don't want to get anything that is on at the list. Which I think takes us back to OP - who would rather get an actual present than a voucher.

OP: I'd say go off list and get them a different present that you think they'd like. You'll need to put a lot of thought into it, though.

expatinscotland · 11/05/2011 20:09

'The reason simply was that it nearly killed us paying for our own wedding and we simply couldnt afford to go otherwise.'

Um, then you don't go. Or you have a small wedding or a registry office do and splash out on the honeymoon.

LoveLeonardCohen · 11/05/2011 20:13

I think YABU, why would you have a problem with this? I think it is a lovely gift idea, my cousin did this and I was happy to know that I was buying them travel vouchers and they were going to use them towards a honeymoon, something that was once in a lifetime and and something they really wanted. Something that they would never ordinarily have brought themselves.
I feel happier doing this rather than buying part of some bloody boring dinner set!

AgentZigzag · 11/05/2011 20:17

But why does what you'd do in the situation mean you'd begrudge someone else trying to have a nice honeymoon themselves expat?

expatinscotland · 11/05/2011 20:20

I don't begrudge them anything, Agent, because, well, I don't know them.

I find it grasping, vulgar, grabby and uncouth to ask for money as a gift in an invitation is all or for people to give money.

If you need money then charge admission.

LoveLeonardCohen · 11/05/2011 20:27

Oh dear chill out....

pink4ever · 11/05/2011 20:34

Its all part of the rigamarole that weddings have become nowadays.Its just a chance for people(mainly the bride) to show off.Nowt wrong with that if you can afford it but dont ask your guests to subsidise it when you cant-said it in previous post but will repeat myself(because really a load of shite being said)-its a fucking cheek!!.

DingDongMerrilyOutOfSeason · 11/05/2011 20:51

Did you get any gifts for your wedding? You might have paid for your own honeymoon but you didn't have to pay for No difference as far as I can see. I paid for my own honeymoon but that was because we got loads of stuff we would otherwise have had to buy. Do it or don't, but choose and when you have made your mind up, do it with a good grace.

YABU.

bupcakesandcunting · 11/05/2011 20:56

I will never get this weird attitude to money as a gift.

Right, assuming you would spend money on a gift anyway, so what is the difference if it goes on a meal on honeymoon or an item of your choosing? I would presume that if you're buying someone, anyone, a gift then it's to make them happy, not you. I really think if you're that much of an arse about it, you should not attend the wedding. I would want to give something that the bride and groom wanted, rather than give them something because I think it's what they need.

giveitago · 11/05/2011 21:01

This has been done to death - there's a bit issue with many mnetters re giving cash gifts.

I give cash gifts all the time when required - I don't feel it's a big deal.

If you do - then don't do it.

tyler80 · 11/05/2011 21:03

Just to clarify, I object to gift requests for weddings be it toasters or money

bupcakesandcunting · 11/05/2011 21:06

"Just to clarify, I object to gift requests for weddings be it toasters or money"

So how do you know what to buy couples as a wedding gift then?

tyler80 · 11/05/2011 21:12

I don't buy anything - simple Grin

springpiece · 11/05/2011 21:14

YANBU although I don't think your friends are being any ruder than is seen to be acceptable for weddings. I had no wedding list for my wedding - just invites. I only invited family and friends who I actually knew and saw often so they knew what we did/didn't have. There's no excuse for begging for gifts imo. If guests want to give a gift and don't want it to be a duplicate there are many options - cash, vouchers for shops you like, a bottle of your favourite tipple etc. Wedding lists are just vulgar.

springbokscantjump · 11/05/2011 21:17

I'm with those who don't see a problem with this. A lot of my friends got married recently and I'd say well over half asked for donations rather than an actual gift. It meant we could give them money towards something they really wanted. I think will get much more popular as more people live together so don't need stuff, but would appreciate assistance with the cost of a honeymoon.

And I detest gift lists because I always go to buy a gift too late and all the cheap tasteful gifts are gone and I end up looking at a list full of £150+ gifts rather than the fifty I wanted to spend. But generally they are useful rather than having that search for the right gift.

But that reminds me.. must actually try and go on our honeymoon. It's only four years late Grin

chicletteeth · 11/05/2011 21:17

Many people like to buy gifts for the couple getting married, even if they already have everything required for a home. Traditionally wedding gifts were to help the couple set up home but times have changed and so presumably wedding gift-lists have changed with it.

Buy 'em a toaster and be done with it! That'll teach 'em!

You sound lovely Hmm and I bet they have no idea you think this of them.

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