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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

paying for someone else's honeymoon...

308 replies

Mumtomaybebabybella · 11/05/2011 17:22

I can't decide how I feel about this.

I have had two wedding invitations this week. The first one had TWO gift list requests in it - one for JLewis and one for trailfinders.

The second one has a link to a website where I can make a cash contribution to the couple's honeymoon in the Maldives OR buy them one of a selection of things such as a massage on honeymoon or a boat trip.

I suppose I just feel that I paid for my own honeymoon, honeymoon meals and excursions so why should I pay for someone else's?

I should also mention that we would be required to travel quite a distance to the second wedding and pay for a hotel, etc.

It says on the invite that our presence is gift enough - but it clearly isn't , is it?

I'm sure I'll be flamed. I'm just not keen on paying for someone else's luxury holiday tbh, though I will do it in both cases.

OP posts:
chicletteeth · 11/05/2011 21:22

Yes you may have paid for your own honeymoon; but did you receive any wedding presents from anyone.

I bet you did.

So then following on from that somebody else could say "I resent paying for their bed linen/china/george forman grill" when I had to pay for my own.

What's the difference?

I for one would prefer to know that the gift was wanted and appreciated, even it a little direction was required.

I think you should have the balls not to buy them anything and then tell them why since you find them so greedy and grasping. In addition you should also remind them that you have had to travel and pay for hotel too.... nobody has ever done that for a wedding before have they

cannydoit · 11/05/2011 21:23

spring set up a honeymoon fund i am sure we would all be happy to contribute especially the op Grin

springpiece · 11/05/2011 21:23

Also meant to say OP that you won't get a lot of joy on here because most people send out begging letters with their invites and see nothing wrong with it.

Imagine any situation other than a wedding. If you have a birthday party for your child there's a strong possibility of duplicate/unwanted gifts. It seems that for weddings all good manners go out of the window for some reason.

meditrina · 11/05/2011 21:25

Money as a gift is a cultural variable.

I would simply never do it, though I respect that in other cultures it is inevitable to the point of having to pin it in the couple in public (I've never been invited to such an event).

desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 11/05/2011 21:25

Surely if a couple ask not to recieve gifts people respect that. I have had a number of friends who have said they do not want gifts and with the exception above we did exactly that.

I asked for no gifts at my wedding and did not get them.

IMO the point of a wedding gift is to set a new couple up in their home, not to pay for them to shag in the Maldives.

penguin73 · 11/05/2011 21:29

£20 (or whatever) towards a honeymoon which they obviously really want or on a present which they probably don't..... It doesn't really make a difference to you, you've spent the same amount of money. But it probably makes a huge difference to them, one will definitely make them happy, one possibly wont. If these are truly your friends then why wouldn't want to do the thing that will definitely make them happy?!

bupcakesandcunting · 11/05/2011 21:30

chicleteeth is bang on.

springbokscantjump · 11/05/2011 21:31

Right as per cannydoit suggestion I want a honeymoon! Donations are welcome! Or for those who don't want to donate to my honeymoon, I need a new toaster. Ooh or bed linen. But I have enough fancy glasses and fish knives to throw a dinner party for all of MN.

desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 11/05/2011 21:34

It is the being asked that I object to for honest, which I know is ridiculous and illogical. I have no issue with giving people money, as I said I paid for a wedding reception before and have paid for a honeymoon in full for my brother. However they did not ask for it.

I had a wedding list for my first wedding and hated the whole idea, I was so relieved when I did not have to go through it all again second time around.

BecauseImWorthIt · 11/05/2011 21:36

Can't be bothered to read all of this.

You obviously really resent giving these couples anything that they would really like, so just don't bother to go.

I bet you had lots people spending money on things that you wanted for your wedding. No difference.

chicletteeth · 11/05/2011 21:38

bupcakes it's the air of judgement and superiority that comes with the OPs posts that have made me see red.

desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 11/05/2011 21:39

I think you can dislike or not understand a single action of a person and yet still like that person as a whole.

I have to admit if we ever received a wedding invite asking for money I would think it was rather grasping, but if they were a good friend I am sure I would still consider them a friend and want to be at their wedding.

It is quite rare to have a friend and approve of everything that they do.

mossi · 11/05/2011 21:41

I have no problem giving money, vouchers, saucepans whatever is asked for. I would rather that than we give something that's useless to them or not their taste.

chicletteeth · 11/05/2011 21:42

Yes true desperately however the OP also mentioned the fact that she is required to spend money on travel and accomodation too...... as if that somehow has anything to do with their choice of gift

desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 11/05/2011 21:44

I think the OP makes a valid point. Attending a wedding is often costly, but if we can afford to we pay the money so we can share a special day with people we like. Is that not enough of a gift, why do you need a toaster or a free honeymoon as well.

I think the OP talks a lot of sense.

bupcakesandcunting · 11/05/2011 21:46

"bupcakes it's the air of judgement and superiority that comes with the OPs posts that have made me see red"

Well, yes. We didn't have a wedding list for gifts as we had lived together for years when we got married and I wasn't going to make stuff up just to please precious arseholes people like OP. When people rang and asked me why we had no wedding list, I told them why. Then they asked what we wanted instead. I said we really didn't need anything, which was true. However, a few guests found out we were due to have a new kitchen fitted afte the honeymoon so they got us vouchers for the shop where we were getting the kitchen from. It really helped us out. But then I got other guests chiding us for not requesting vouchers for the kitchen. It seems that I have very nice friends. :)

springpiece · 11/05/2011 21:47

desperately I know where you're coming from. I've only ever been to 2 weddings. My sister's - who had a wedding list and a friend who asked for cash for their honeymoon. I bought an item of the list for my sister and gave cash to my friend. I wasn't going to miss either of their weddings because of it! It is grasping but it's also "traditional" to request stuff when you marry and I think a lot of people do it because of that.

desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 11/05/2011 21:51

I do not think there is a problem with that bupcakes, you have not demanded that people buy you gifts.

Spring it is a tradition that dates from a time when people set up home together after they married, hence the need for gifts. That is often no longer the case.

I do buy gifts for weddings if people ask for them, I do inwardly think it is odd and often out of character. But their friendship means more than that. I am sure I do things my friends do no agree with.

mossi · 11/05/2011 21:54

One thing I think that's being missed so far is that the wedding couple are also spending a lot of money on the guests. Especially if they are coming as a family.

bupcakesandcunting · 11/05/2011 21:54

"I do not think there is a problem with that bupcakes, you have not demanded that people buy you gifts."

The point I was making is that I didn't request gifts then got ball ache for NOT asking for vouchers for my new kitchen. A lot of aunties and friends were with out-of-joint noses, apparently as they wanted to help out in some way. You just can't win sometimes in this life.

desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 11/05/2011 21:58

But they do not need to spend a lot of money on their wedding, that is their choice.

I think it is equally rude to buy gifts if a couple ask not to get them.

muttimalzwei · 11/05/2011 22:01

We didn't have any requests with our invites and if people rang to ask what we wanted we asked for Homebase/B&Q vouchers to do up our house (had just moved in).
I really dislike the lists where you get to see all the items they want and are often shocked at the levels of expenditure they are expecting. I prefer vouchers.

muttimalzwei · 11/05/2011 22:04

I do think putting money towards honeymoons doesn't feel quite right as you like to think you are putting money towards something of permanent value. Yes, I know a holiday will be forever remembered but I can't help feeling a bit jealous when I am funding the type of trip that would take me years to save up for. That probably makes me a shot friend and bitter and twisted but I just like the thought of contributing to something a bit longer lasting.

confuddledDOTcom · 11/05/2011 22:04

People will bring a gift to a wedding. They will spend far more on a wedding gift than a birthday gift and most people don't want to be the 10th toaster of the day. A gift list is a suggestion list, it's not a demand (unless you're babyzilla!) and it's there to make life easier on the guests. Buy from it or don't, I'm sure the couple won't notice and will appreciate the card more.

As far as honeymoney goes, before that people asked for currency if they didn't have a list and people complained that they could be paying their bills with it. Honeymoney lists are to make you feel like you've contributed to/ brought something particular so you know it's not on bills or booze. They're not demands, again it's so guests know what you need (or not need - we don't need anything for our house but if you want to give us something here is our suggestion).

At my wedding I really don't want any gifts, even though I will be providing three meals through the day and all drinks and our guests aren't going to need any cash on them during the day - unless they stay up past 11pm at the hotel boozing. I know though that some people will want to give us something but you don't go to a wedding without bringing a gift so for some people it won't be right. Our house really doesn't need anything else in it, even the nicely picked out presents whilst I'll appreciate them because I really am always grateful for things people do for me, I'd rather people just came and enjoyed the day without gifts. I'm trying to think of a way to direct people to my mum if they really need to give a gift without sounding like I'm doing the standard.

muttimalzwei · 11/05/2011 22:05

a shit friend