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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

paying for someone else's honeymoon...

308 replies

Mumtomaybebabybella · 11/05/2011 17:22

I can't decide how I feel about this.

I have had two wedding invitations this week. The first one had TWO gift list requests in it - one for JLewis and one for trailfinders.

The second one has a link to a website where I can make a cash contribution to the couple's honeymoon in the Maldives OR buy them one of a selection of things such as a massage on honeymoon or a boat trip.

I suppose I just feel that I paid for my own honeymoon, honeymoon meals and excursions so why should I pay for someone else's?

I should also mention that we would be required to travel quite a distance to the second wedding and pay for a hotel, etc.

It says on the invite that our presence is gift enough - but it clearly isn't , is it?

I'm sure I'll be flamed. I'm just not keen on paying for someone else's luxury holiday tbh, though I will do it in both cases.

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 11/05/2011 18:13

If you really want to go, i'd just buy a nice bottle of wine.

If they want a honeymoon, then they should fund themselves. I think its vulgar to ask for cash, a discreet wedding list available upon request is ok but only if ask for.

May as well just charge an admission fee. If you cant afford the wedding and honeymoon you want then you either scale back or save more.

SeenButNotHeard · 11/05/2011 18:14

YABU

You don't have to go to the wedding (or Hen, Stag etc)

You don't have to buy a gift/give money/buy an 'experience'

Most people would like to give a gift to a newly wed couple. I would certainly prefere to give a gift, whether that be vouchers, gift or something else that I knew that they wanted.

I have turned down wedding invitations when they have been too far away and funds would not stretch. I have saved hard to attend weddings of close family and friends even though money has been tight.

I think if your 'friends' knew that you thought they were 'grasping and needy' they might not even want you to share their day. They have already said that you don't have to get them anything - what more do you want them to do?

wildfig · 11/05/2011 18:15

Logically, YABU - a gift's a gift and this what they want - but... I agree with you. I can't get the image of the couple in question going round the honeymoon suite - 'ooh, a bottle of champagne from Auntie Viv, a couple's sensual massage from your mum, an upgrade to a waterbed and a bowl of local aphrodisiac oysters from all the gang at the Rotary Club...' etc. Confused

brass · 11/05/2011 18:15

sorry but I don't see being invited as a favour that I have to recompense.

Original poster
Mumtomaybebabybella · 11/05/2011 18:17

As I've already said, I like buying gifts.

I do not like being directly asked for one and directed to a list of things I can pay for on their luxury honeymoon. I find it greedy and grasping.

Saying that our presence is gift enough is meaningless unless you don't ask for a gift.

When did people become so spoilt? I am expecting a baby soon but have no intention of creating a gift list and sending the details to people - just in case god forbid someone buys me something I don't like! DD is having a birthday soon which we'll send invites to, I'm not going to ask people to pay for our forthcoming holiday and pay for her to do activities!

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 11/05/2011 18:22

When I went to weddings ten years ago it was the norm to spend £50.00, I think even today that is about what you would expect to spend on a decent present.

expatinscotland · 11/05/2011 18:23

'but weddings quite often become about the guests and not the couple so i choose to 'see it that way' and my gift usually reflects that - thats just me'

Then don't have a wedding.

It's no one's 'day' or 'big day' or 'special day'. It's just another party, fgs.

I agree with HappyMumofOne.

SpotsMumSally · 11/05/2011 18:24

I don't like being told what to buy. That's why it grates on me.

meditrina · 11/05/2011 18:26

I don't agree that presents are mandatory at weddings, and therefore cannot see it as something that must somehow recompense the per head cost (as if you'd know anyhow before the event if it's daisies in a teacup in the church hall, or no-expense spared glitz). But the overwhelming majority of people will want to give a present to the couple, and a bit of discreet co-ordination does help avoid chaos.

I think lists should be sent only in response to enquiries for one. It's a lot less "grabby" when the parents are the "official" hosts (regardless of who's paying), as they can then indicate what someone else (ie the couple) might welcome. When the couple asks for stuff for themselves, it can be misinterpreted as grabby (especially if the list is unsolicited and only has expensive items).

shirl2010 · 11/05/2011 18:27

Mumtomaybebabybella why go to a couples wedding when you find them 'greedy and grasping' dont you think its all going to a bit false when you congratulating them with a smile and a clap

shirl2010 · 11/05/2011 18:29

expatinscotland expected you not to get it

3timesalady · 11/05/2011 18:29

OP ignore shirl would by my advice. Shes looking for a fight Hmm

expatinscotland · 11/05/2011 18:30

Sounds like it, 3times.

AgentZigzag · 11/05/2011 18:32

If you want to buy them something you're not sure the couple would like or not SpotsMum, then buy something of your choice that you've chosen.

I agree with Shirl, I can just imagine the OP sitting there at the wedding with a sour face fuming at the cheek of the couple.

Give them something with good grace or don't give at all.

AgentZigzag · 11/05/2011 18:33

Is she 3timesalady?

I agree with her but aren't looking for a fight, just giving my opinion.

Or does that equal a fight in your eyes?

TidyDancer · 11/05/2011 18:37

Etiquette states that the gift list, if you have one at all, should not be included with the invitation. So it follows that a request for money or honeymoon vouchers is bad etiquette too.

I don't like giving money or vouchers, but I will do so if it is not requested with the invitation. If I call to ask for the gift list and then am told that they have everything they need for the home etc, I would probably get gift vouchers or something like that. It's definitely rude to put a request out there before it is asked for though.

I'm waiting for the MNer to show up who actually charged an entry fee to her wedding (did it by charging per seat at the reception, IIRC). The most shameful grasping example I have ever come across!

OP, YANBU.

Nuttychic · 11/05/2011 18:38

I feel if you are going to attend a wedding then you know the people and should not begrudge their choices. If you dont like the choices they make and feel the need to complain and mutter about them, you really should do them a favour and not go. Going to a wedding is to wish a couple well on their life journey - if you have negative feelings towards them for whatever reason - stay away and dont burden them negativity (even if you just muttering behind their backs - which you are doing)

sue52 · 11/05/2011 18:39

I think if it costs a small fortune to attend a wedding (hotel, petrol, day off work and more) then it is unreasonable to be asked to cough up for the couple's honeymoon.

usualsuspect · 11/05/2011 18:42

Its bloody cheeky imo

Popbiscuit · 11/05/2011 18:42

Hmmm... the wedding list issue. I think it's a good idea to have a wish list but I don't think you should make any reference to it on an invitation as though it were a requirement. People usually find out about a registry by asking friends/relatives etc if they want to go this way or they can purchase their own, more personal gift. I personally wouldn't feel comfortable asking for contributions toward a honeymoon trip. If you can't afford a trip abroad, go away for a weekend somewhere local and save up for a fancy holiday later on rather than asking your guests to foot the bill.

3timesalady · 11/05/2011 18:44

ZigZag of course offering an opinion isn't a fight - and I didn't say anything to that effect. Don't put words in my m outh, thank you.

Shirl has made her point - repeatedly - and is IMO deliberately tail-gating the OP. No benefit in her last comment.

AIBU doesn't always have to descend into a tit-for-tat. I was trying to avoid yet another MN thread being filled with bitchy comments.

That worked well Hmm

pink4ever · 11/05/2011 18:46

YADNBU!! I think this is the height of cheek. My dh and I had a very small wedding(paid for 50/50 by ourselves/parents) as this is what we could afford.We had 2 nights in a hotel as our honeymoon.We didnt expect or want our guests to pay for our wedding.We didnt ask for any gifts(of course we got some-toasters etc which we were very grateful for) but honestly we just wanted to enjoy our day with family and friends.
I have been invited to an evening reception in a few weeks.Will be taking a small gift(was thinking photo album/frame). I know the couple have lived together for years and already have everything they need for their home.They are going on a honeymoon abroad but that is their choice and I certainly will not be paying for it.

Original poster
Mumtomaybebabybella · 11/05/2011 18:46

3timesalady, I think I'll ignore them both - shirl and Agent!

OP posts:
3timesalady · 11/05/2011 18:47

pink4ever - last evening reception I went to I got a pebble engraved with their wedding date from notonthehighstreet.com - they loved it (it was maybe £20 incl postage) Just a thought :)

SharontheHoor · 11/05/2011 18:50

mners are tightarses and i won't be inviting any of you to any of my weddings