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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not monitor my 12 year old son on the internet ,TV or games ?

168 replies

doley · 07/05/2011 17:36

Before I go any further though ,he has been taught about the dangers that could be lurking(would never arrange meetings etc ...) and he is a very sensible child .

DS has a TV and a lap-top in his room ,he spends most of his time fixing computers for people ,scripting games and generally playing on face book while eating sandwiches Grin

I believe I have done my bit with regard to his safety ,I don't think I can stand over him all day ...I don't have the energy (other little children ) and I think what he gets up to is and up to him now .

I don't have any of his passwords to any accounts ,I don't want them ...he regularly up-loads tech advice/reviewing videos to you tube and enjoys the advice he is able to give . Of course as it is youtube nice comments also come with vile and offensive ones ~he couldn't care less .

I don't monitor games either... nor the TV .

Well , am I unusual ?

Is there some dreadful thing that could happen that I have overlooked ?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 07/05/2011 17:40

Well doley he is still a child and needs guidence and monitoring, but not to the extent of the younger ones. You need to be aware of what he is doing and go up to see him from time to time and ask him what he is doing. There is a facility on the computer that provides information on his search history. You cannot fully trust him, he is still young

squeakytoy · 07/05/2011 17:41

I wouldnt be stood over his shoulder constantly, but I would certainly monitor it regularly, especially at that age.

ColonelBrandonsBiggestGroupie · 07/05/2011 17:42

Well, you can think you're being unusual, if that makes you feel good. Personally, I think yabu - and irresponsible.

hairylights · 07/05/2011 17:42

Yabu. Great that you've taught him about safety, but personally I would still monitor and check his use at age
12. It's impossible fir a parent to say "he'd never xyz" when it comes to 12 year olds.

TheVisitor · 07/05/2011 17:42

You're either taking the piss or you're a knob. I'm thinking the former. Have a Biscuit

DameShirleyKnot · 07/05/2011 17:43

YABU.

The education you have given is applaudable.

You are negating that by not supervising his activities. It's not about standing over him all day, it's about being sensible as a parent. 12 years olds have not reached an age where they can be trusted to show emotional intelligence, or to forecast how they will react to things.

Are there any parental controls on his computer at all?

pigletmania · 07/05/2011 17:43

exactly squeaky occasionally go up to his room and ask him what he is doing and look on his monitor

worraliberty · 07/05/2011 17:44

What squeaky said.

My 12yr old isn't allowed to clear the history and I have his passwords..not that he bothers much with anything other than listening to music.

pigletmania · 07/05/2011 17:45

though he is tech savvy, you do still need to have parental controls on his computer and know his passwords. You are the parent still, he is not 18 yet!

Malificence · 07/05/2011 17:45

The average age for children to start viewing hardcore porn on the net is 11/12.

ilovesooty · 07/05/2011 17:47

YABU - and irresponsible. Apart from the lack of monitoring, doesn't he ever come down for meals / interact with the rest of the family?

DameShirleyKnot · 07/05/2011 17:47

MAL!! Long time no see. How are you?

Apologies for hijack of thread not really

Tee2072 · 07/05/2011 17:49

I am all for freedom and Free Range Parenting but that doesn't mean leaving them to it before they are mature enough to handle whatever it is.

Even the most sensible 12 year old can stumble onto inappropriate websites.

I would at least check his history periodically.

Mamaz0n · 07/05/2011 17:49

It is a shame you feel that a quick chat about online perils leaves you thinking you have finished parenting a 12 year old.
A child not yet even old enough to actually use facebook, althoguh i see you already allow this.

so yes i feel yabu

DameShirleyKnot · 07/05/2011 17:52

I find it interesting that the OP is so free and easy about the Internet but dread fear about gangs and ting in RL.

It's a mystery and no mistake.

tinkgirl · 07/05/2011 17:53

YABU - I've recently checked up on what my 12yr old dS has been doing, both on his phone, computer and Ipod. Shock didn't even come close to what I found. Word spreads round schools to check out different sites etc and even though he might not be into whatever the site is about, the curosity will get him and once he's seen hard core porn, you can't erase the images from his head - do you really want him to grow up thinking that some of that stuff is normal?

BarbarianMum · 07/05/2011 17:57

YABU Just because you have other little children doesn't mean you get to emancipate your 12 year old. He is still entitled to your support and protection - including on the internet.

You don't have to stand over him but can you really not spare 5 min a week to have a look at where he has been and who he's been talking to.

DameShirley it always amazes me that people will hardly let their kids walk to the corner shop alone but will give them free rein online.

SnuffleTurtle153 · 07/05/2011 17:57

Seriously, that's not sufficient to safeguard against the kinds of things he could encounter online - do you not even have parental controls over his search habits?! You're not being unreasonable, just bloody stupid.

squeakytoy · 07/05/2011 18:01

You could be monitoring his facebook use in the few minutes you are online. I am not saying your son is going to misbehave, but he could be being bullied and afraid to tell you, and unless you keep an eye on his account, you would probably never know. Small spats with kids can quickly escalate into full scale cyber wars and children (12yrs old is still a child no matter how mature you consider him to be) are the majority of the victims in cyber bullying.

Original poster
doley · 07/05/2011 18:03

Thanks all .

We have spoken frankly about porn(unfortunately) ~ he is mature for his age .

We have not had any "quick" chats ,they have been in-depth ,over about 3 years(from when he only used the computer downstairs )

Of course he comes downstairs ,we spend lots of time together ~I was just explaining what he gets up to when on his own .

Most of the time ,he is actually working and fixing things ,BUT as the computer is there I asked the question .

I do ask him what he is doing ,I don't see/hear anything inappropriate ~mainly (I believe ) as we have always been candid and spoken frankly with him .

I don't think being unusual is that 'cool' just explaining how it is for us/him .

I am friends with him on facebook ,and I can watch his tech advice videos also .

My younger son is not allowed anywhere in /near his room ,as I will not allow him to even catch a glimpse of unsuitable games etc...

I monitored him for a very long time ,he has used the computer for many years .

I am not done parenting ...not by a long shot .

OP posts:
Original poster
doley · 07/05/2011 18:05

dame it is bad form on here to talk about other threads ,is it not ?

Particularly, when you have got IT WRONG AGAIN .

OP posts:
MollyMurphy · 07/05/2011 18:05

Your parenting preferences on this matter would not be my choice. I would not personally allow a child of any age to have a computer or tv in their room - what do they need to look at that they can't look at in the common area? I think that some monitoring is very important in this age of cyber-free for all...bullying, stalking, random put downs, hook-ups/meet-ups/pick-ups etc.

A 12 yrs is not old enough to be left to to his own devices IMO. You make it sound like your son's outgrown parenting OP - as if he's just about old enough to vote and get his own apartment.

worraliberty · 07/05/2011 18:06

Well he's hardly going to say "I Googled porn and had a wank Mother" Hmm

You need to check his history and let him know you check it.

DameShirleyKnot · 07/05/2011 18:06

Thanks for the tip off on Bad Form there doley.

It amuses me.

Sirzy · 07/05/2011 18:06

I think it's quite sad you "haven't got the energy" to ensure you son is safe.

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