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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not monitor my 12 year old son on the internet ,TV or games ?

168 replies

doley · 07/05/2011 17:36

Before I go any further though ,he has been taught about the dangers that could be lurking(would never arrange meetings etc ...) and he is a very sensible child .

DS has a TV and a lap-top in his room ,he spends most of his time fixing computers for people ,scripting games and generally playing on face book while eating sandwiches Grin

I believe I have done my bit with regard to his safety ,I don't think I can stand over him all day ...I don't have the energy (other little children ) and I think what he gets up to is and up to him now .

I don't have any of his passwords to any accounts ,I don't want them ...he regularly up-loads tech advice/reviewing videos to you tube and enjoys the advice he is able to give . Of course as it is youtube nice comments also come with vile and offensive ones ~he couldn't care less .

I don't monitor games either... nor the TV .

Well , am I unusual ?

Is there some dreadful thing that could happen that I have overlooked ?

OP posts:
Niceguy2 · 07/05/2011 20:14

Doley, I don't monitor my DD either. She's 14 now. I did for a little while but got nothing but inane drivel. I use this strange concept now called "trust". You'll have to look it up in a dictionary as I doubt many on MN have heard of it.

Besides which, being serious for a moment, as an IT professional, From what you've said, your son has a very VERY good skill for his age. This should be encouraged. IT pays well (mostly). It also means he can defeat any controls you put on place.

sixthsense · 07/05/2011 20:15

Well said Niceguy :)

cantspel · 07/05/2011 20:33

I dont monitor either of my sons anymore. They are now 13 and nearly 15. They have laptops in their rooms, tv's with sky muliti room and xbox live and the ps3 with internet.
They both use facebook and are on my friends list so i could check if i needed or wanted to. They are both fully savvy about internet safety and i now feel they are at an age and maturity level where i can trust them.

Original poster
doley · 07/05/2011 21:13

niceguy Thanks !
Yes,I knew he would be able to defeat the controls ,I had to come at this from another angle in the end ...
In the early days ,I didn't even know what applications he was talking about .
I am also relieved to read I am not the only one taking this stance :)

OP posts:
Gentleness · 07/05/2011 21:26

There's trust and there's caution. He may be super-mature and sensible and everything you mention, but he is also 12 and already (or about to be) beset with hormones and emotions and therefore temptations that he hasn't encountered before. Won't he need some guidance? And teenage years ARE formative - some of what he experiences now may affect or even rule the rest of his life.

However you do it (by monitoring software, having the computer in a family room or just by talking & checking), it is only reasonable for you to monitor his behaviour and developing attitudes and needs. You won't know who he's becoming otherwise.

TheVisitor · 07/05/2011 21:41

Ah well, watch out for when he starts looking at hard core porn. As you say that you're for real, I do think that you are bloody naive and stupid.

elastamum · 07/05/2011 21:42

I dont monitor my kids closely. I occasionally look through their PC's and check thir browsing history, but they are also very IT savvy and broke every password I put on their PC's and the web. It bacame a game in itself.

My kids have had access to PC's and age appropriate games since they were toddlers. Their school are amazed at their IT skills but IMO, being able to embrace and use technology is an important life skill. At 10 and 12 they have way better IT skills than i do. We are very rural and my eldest often plays and talks on the x box with his school friends, as they all live so far apart.

I agree with niceguy. You have to have some trust in your kids

LoveLeonardCohen · 07/05/2011 22:10

YABU - too much time on computer!

NationalTruss · 07/05/2011 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

kaumana · 07/05/2011 22:39

YABU, and if you think he has better IT skills than you, educate yourself. He is only 12 and as sensible as you may think he may be HE IS ONLY 12. Sorry for shouting , but really ..

Niceguy2 · 07/05/2011 23:23

I realised a few years ago when my DD was about 12 that regulating her Internet, insisting on knowing everything was counterproductive. She saw it as spying and that I dont trust her. Plus as she entered this critical time, my job is to teach her to make her own decisions. Plus at their age, they need space to develop and yes that will mean keeping secrets from me.

My DD knows I will never punish a mistake so she's free to come to me anytime with anything. Plus in this day & age kids are already too aware of peados etc.

My philosophy is I don't raise stupid kids so I won't insult their intelligence by treating them like an 8 yr old.

Given all this freedom she hasn't had to rebel. Instead my DD doesn't smoke, never drinks outside of home (ie family meals), has made good calls on boys, has already figured out and I quote "...they're only after one thing" and has set her sights on a law degree.

ravenAK · 07/05/2011 23:40

Strewth, I hope my kids have better IT skills than me when they're 12!

The internet isn't like a china doll, or a complicated train set. 'Lovely, but let's put it back in its box until you're old enough to play with it'

Unless you're planning on joining an Amish community, your dc is using the net at school. Going on playdates with the girl who plays 18 games online. Sitting next to the kid with the smartphone full of porn. Setting up a FB account in the library...

The intelligent solution is to teach them how to use IT responsibly.

This whole 'only on the family PC...they don't have FB...I don't let them play on age-inappropriate games' thing stopped working a couple of years ago.

Original poster
doley · 08/05/2011 00:03

Niceguy and raven -Thank you so much .

Better put than I did .

Your posts are exactly my thinking ...

OP posts:
TheVisitor · 08/05/2011 11:18

My kids have SUPERVISED free reign on the internet, and they've been taught to be savvy, but I do know 12 year old boys and how their minds work. You're naive.

Original poster
doley · 08/05/2011 12:37

You do not know mine ~nor my 4 brothers

I give mine credit for listening to me when we talk ~I have given him a situation where it is unlikely he will rebel .

You are naive for assuming your controlled access wil work in the long run ,I also think you are narrow minded in assuming that all 12 year old boys want to do is search out porn.(as you said further up the post )

Strangers pretending to be kids is a massive concern for all parents ~I have talked at length with him about this .

I will not compromise my internet parenting because of scum,I will teach him to read the signs and learn as he goes .

with me ,but without locks and passwords .

OP posts:
Gentleness · 08/05/2011 14:21

So doley, what you are effectively doing is supervising their internet access - you are working with him and teaching him signs and sharing your opinions. You are monitoring under a different name and aren't just leaving him to it.

But I do think it is naive to think that the only dangerous behaviour your child might indulge in would be in order to rebel. Don't you remember how confused and unsure and secretive and needy you were at times as a teenager? And the info there is out there on how many and how young men get addicted to (or even "just" unbalanced" by) porn suggests it is worth putting caution above trust for the unformed character a child still is.

(excuse grammar)

TheVisitor · 08/05/2011 14:33

So you think that my children won't know what to do in the long run? Ask my 18 year old son what he does on the net. I also give mine credit for listening to me, but I also know very well how their minds work. You go completely against all advice, but never mind, your way is right and the whole world is wrong. Good luck with that.

sleepingsowell · 08/05/2011 14:45

YABU. He's 12 (and not even old enough for a facebook account).
He WILL see things that he is not equipped to deal with and that will be inappropriate to his age and stage of development.
You're treating him like a grown up but I'm afraid for the next few years you need to do more than that. He's not a mini adult.

ZZZenAgain · 08/05/2011 14:54

I think YABU

Niceguy2 · 08/05/2011 15:30

Told you!! Most on MN like to think controls are the solution. Just like a while back when MN mistakenly thought ISP porn filters were a good idea.

I deal with this attitude everyday at work. Managers come to me to block whatever site their staff are wasting time on. This is not an Internet issue. This is about teaching trust and discipline.

If your son does dodgy stuff then you punish him/yeah him. A ban will encourage him to hide his activities and he knows more than you so you are on the backfoot to begin with.

Original poster
doley · 08/05/2011 15:36

What do parents do (who control everything ,passwords etc ...) when they visit friends ?

Some others (as we have even seen in this thread ) are similar to me .

It is a question of balance , my child comes from a happy home with accepting and open minded parents ... his Father is a gentle and a respectful Husband ...little things like that have an impact ,more than we realize .

Granted~ if he was left totally to his own devices ,no parent ever at home ,no adult interaction it would be a different story .

I know kids like that in this neighborhood ,I feel very sorry for them .

Teens rebel ,the more you limit and control , the more they will go against and try to find loop-holes .

13 is the required age for face-book . What is the magic thing that happens to a young mind enabling them to suddenly be able to cope with it at 13 ?

I originally was the parent who would never have allowed under age games,however there is no mystery now and I see that as a bonus .

Most kids (if not at home ) will play or see them at other places or in other homes ... not fantastic, but true .

OP posts:
Original poster
doley · 08/05/2011 15:42

Also ,just wondering ...what is the magic age for removing the controls then ?

Assuming all kids are teens /older ?

Is there a grand unveiling day ?

Kids are not cooked at 18 ...far from it ,plus if they have been denied access previously ,where do you think they will head for ?

Parents who have these limits ?would you also raid your kids drawers and read their diaries ?

OP posts:
pointydog · 08/05/2011 15:44

It's got past the stage of being able to supervise everything.

There are parents who knowingly let their children play Second Life all the time, who knowingly let their children play 18 games. That's what I don't understand.

Parents should aim to be as open and honest about internet use as possible and encourage conversations with their children. I think that's the best way we've got of watching over them in these matters.

alistron1 · 08/05/2011 15:48

I don't think the OP is BU. I have a nearly 12 year old DS and 13 and 14 year old DD's. They all have ipod touches, and thus free access to the internet. They are all on facebook.

I don't really monitor their itouch use, sometimes if they are at school and I need to use the web I'll use one of their itouches. I will admit to looking at the history from time to time and my lot all seem to only use the web for looking at clothes and watching crap on youtube (i.e you've been framed type stuff/people filming their own attempts at animations)

When they first got their itouches they did use them loads for about a week. But as with all things they've found their own balance.

Same with facebook, they were mad on it for a little bit and now they hardly use it.

Before the interweb I remember we used to read/look at dodgy stuff courtesy of parental bookshelves (flowers in the attic or joy of sex anyone??!)

sleepingsowell · 08/05/2011 15:54

oh, ok then so one day kids will see 'everything'. so lets give up on caring what they do at ALL. that's logic!

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