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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not monitor my 12 year old son on the internet ,TV or games ?

168 replies

doley · 07/05/2011 17:36

Before I go any further though ,he has been taught about the dangers that could be lurking(would never arrange meetings etc ...) and he is a very sensible child .

DS has a TV and a lap-top in his room ,he spends most of his time fixing computers for people ,scripting games and generally playing on face book while eating sandwiches Grin

I believe I have done my bit with regard to his safety ,I don't think I can stand over him all day ...I don't have the energy (other little children ) and I think what he gets up to is and up to him now .

I don't have any of his passwords to any accounts ,I don't want them ...he regularly up-loads tech advice/reviewing videos to you tube and enjoys the advice he is able to give . Of course as it is youtube nice comments also come with vile and offensive ones ~he couldn't care less .

I don't monitor games either... nor the TV .

Well , am I unusual ?

Is there some dreadful thing that could happen that I have overlooked ?

OP posts:
Original poster
doley · 08/05/2011 15:56

sleeping you missed the point .

It is just a different way .

OP posts:
sleepingsowell · 08/05/2011 16:01

Again, there is no logic in the argument "but they might see this or that at friend's houses'....no one would advocate that sort of 'lowest common denominator' parenting as being a good parent.
You can be open and reasonable and liberal yet still limit your child's opportunity to see the entirety of the adult stuff that is out there on the internet.
By not monitoring what a child of 12 is seeing, you are being irresponsible as a parent. I have seen NO argument on here that shows otherwise.

cantspel · 08/05/2011 16:04

Parents who dont micro manage their children are not parents who dont care. It might not be your way or the way for your children but it is not a wrong way for me and mine.
I know my boys and trust them and have enough faith in the up bringing i have given them to know that they can make good choices in life whether it be when they are on the internet or out with their friends.

Original poster
doley · 08/05/2011 16:08

IMO balanced homes ,with balanced teens and parents can watch/play these games without deciding to go and kill the next cop they encounter .

I hate them ,I despise violence ...it is not about me now though ~it is peer pressure and wanting to blend in .

Earlier in the post someone listed a selection of nasties available on the net .bullying ,suicide pacts etc ...yes ,real problems and fears for all of us I agree.

Not being able to at least look like they are playing and doing these things ,leaves teens much more vulnerable and tempted to join fringe movements and 'outsider' groups .

My brother is 15 ,plays all the violent games all the junk ....but hates modern music techno etc...and would much rather listen to 50's rock ! I did not agree with him being able to play the games (at 8-9) but in his case (and my other brothers ) they all enjoy a wide range of activities too .

The two eldest are self -employed now and make a healthy living .

It is balance .

OP posts:
TheVisitor · 08/05/2011 16:08

I don't micromanage, and gradually withdraw and give more access as children get older. That's normal.

sleepingsowell · 08/05/2011 16:08

monitoring internet use is NOT 'micro managing' a 12 year old though! It is basic responsible parenting.

Original poster
doley · 08/05/2011 16:14

You can actually be a great parent ,and let your kids see and watch what others would consider unsuitable Shock

Unless you stand over them at their teen version of 'play dates' most of us have no idea what happens .

I am lucky really (that I have teen siblings ) they have been able to speak candidly with me in a way they couldn't with my Dad .
It has given me a very up to date scoop with what really happens these days :)

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Original poster
doley · 08/05/2011 16:15

12 turns very quickly in to 13 .14 etc ...they are exposed to exactly the same crap 18 year olds are .

Unfortunately .

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VajazzHands · 08/05/2011 16:16

Sorry I don't want to be too personal but what age bracket are you? I've noticed a certain laxness from older parents regarding the internet. It comes from (as far as I can see) never having been a teenager on the internet .

I was. I was also very street smart but did talk to strangers online because there is (and you must have notcied this here on mumnset) a certain feeling of annonimity that come from the internet. What people, especially children forget is that you can over share.. if you think you are tlaking to multiple people yuo might give on bit of info and then another to another person.. But what if those 2 people are actually one person..

Pretty soon that one guys knows where you live or what school you go to.

All this on top of what the average 12/13 year old goes looking for out of curiosity..not me of course

valiumredhead · 08/05/2011 16:17

Oh well, we might as well let our toddlers play on Call of Duty then and watch Porn if they are going to be exposed to it anyway.........

sleepingsowell · 08/05/2011 16:18

a 12 year old with unfettered unsupervised access to the internet is seeing things that they are not developmentally prepared for. Just because they 'might' see them on playdates does not mean you need to allow unfettered unsupervised access - and not doing that does not mean you aren't open and able to be candid. It means you are responsibly limiting their exposure to things. Yes, 12 year olds get older but again, just because they WILL be 13, or 14 doesn't mean you throw your hands up and let 'em see all the crap there is out there.

sleepingsowell · 08/05/2011 16:19

exactly, valium.

TheVisitor · 08/05/2011 16:21

Doley, I'm quite aware of what they get exposed to. I have an 18 year old son, many older nieces and nephews plus my 12 year old triplets. What I do disagree with you is the fact that you think supervision is wrong at this age. Your lad may very well be sensible, but he is still only 12 and as such should not have free, unsupervised rein to the internet. You seem to be of the opinion that any way other than yours is wrong. A 12 year old be can stumble across hardcore porn - it's far more accessible than it used to be. It's not just about porn though, it's knowing who your children are talking to. Even older children get groomed. I don't stand over my children, but I do check history and I have their passwords, plus they are not, as yet, on facebook. My choice.

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 08/05/2011 16:24

It depends how much porn you want him to see.

Original poster
doley · 08/05/2011 16:26

vallium not what I said ,you are being silly now .

Vajazz good point ,again something I talk about regularly with him .

I 40 this year,but my teen siblings range from 15 thru 25 now ,so I kind of grew up again through them .

I am very against violence ,my little ones are heavily monitored ~not easy in the US where every channel (bar pbs) shows violence at any time of the day .

My style with my 12 year old has not always been this way vallium it has grown and adapted as he has .

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Original poster
doley · 08/05/2011 16:29

this porn again ... when is hardcore porn aceptable then ?

I am thinking never right ?

It is there ,he knows not to go there ...we talk ~I am open and there for him .

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Original poster
doley · 08/05/2011 16:32

And as for regular porn that he may stumble across ... I just don't know ?

Boys have been looking at playboy for years ...Confused

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Original poster
doley · 08/05/2011 16:35

thevisitor my way is not the only/right way .

It is just mine ,for now ,for this child .

I may have to work on this again when my others are older ,one size does not fit all and I will have to see how the next one develops .

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dittany · 08/05/2011 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alistron1 · 08/05/2011 16:42

Doley, I think you are being entirely reasonable. Your approach is similar to mine and my kids aren't habitual viewers of hard core porn/scarred by access to unsuitable stuff/locked in their rooms playing 18 rated games.

Despite having unfettered internet access, one of mine is doing some maths homework, another 2 are playing with the hamster and the fourth one is in the bath. Mind you - is it safe for a 14 year old to have a bath 'unsupervised'?!!

Original poster
doley · 08/05/2011 17:06

dittany ,no I don't have a list ...do you ? would you even if you do have a lock ?
The truth is TEENS will get round more than you think .
alistron your home sounds like mine :)

The 14 year old in the bath ? have you checked there are no spiders ?

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dittany · 08/05/2011 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
doley · 08/05/2011 17:58

Actually when I first mentioned it ,I was talking about 18 video games .

Many here are saying it is very wrong of me to let him see them ~that is where I was coming from .

I don't think it is odd ,I am in agreement that these things should ideally be kept away from him .

In the real world ,it does not work that way .

It does not sit well with me because I personally hate them ,with a passion ...but as I have said, it is not about me now .

I am of the opinion, that just because I can block them does not mean these things evaporate .

They are there ,they will find them,and at younger ages than my 12 year old unfortunately .

I am working along side my son ,but allowing him privacy ,freedom and the chance to use his avery able mind .

I have worked very hard since he was born as I said, however, with a child like mine it is futile to stand over him watching his every move .

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gillybean2 · 08/05/2011 17:58

Doley I knew someone a computer nerd who was like your ds. He was always taking things to pieces, fixing them, into writing his programs etc. He wasn't into porn (not that the internet was swamped with it back then) but it wasn't what interested him and he glanced at it and went back to what he did like.

Now this was well before parents had to think about the internet and safety and concerns etc. His parents were elderly anyhow and wouldn't have know where to start I shouldn't think. And as far as grooming, meeting strangers etc he was perfectly safe. What did happen though is he fell in with a group of like minded nerds who thought it was challanging to hack into other computers, crack passwords and the like. The first his parents knew about it was the police knocking on the door. They couldn't prove anything at the time, so he got away with it. And he did go on to have a very successful career from his password cracking programs (amongst other things).

The internet is full of challanges, dangers, useful and not so useful information as well as a heck of a lot of porn and groomers/peodophiles. The dangers open to your ds may not be the ones that everyone else generally worries about. The fact he is super into computers, how things work and tackling things others can't fix means I would worry more about where he sees his next challange being and ensuring he doesn't head down the route of hacking into things to see if he can, or writing viruses and the like, without realising the consequences. He may even (like the guy I knew) feel t hat he simply is too clever to get caught...

Original poster
doley · 08/05/2011 18:00

very able mind :)

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