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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not monitor my 12 year old son on the internet ,TV or games ?

168 replies

doley · 07/05/2011 17:36

Before I go any further though ,he has been taught about the dangers that could be lurking(would never arrange meetings etc ...) and he is a very sensible child .

DS has a TV and a lap-top in his room ,he spends most of his time fixing computers for people ,scripting games and generally playing on face book while eating sandwiches Grin

I believe I have done my bit with regard to his safety ,I don't think I can stand over him all day ...I don't have the energy (other little children ) and I think what he gets up to is and up to him now .

I don't have any of his passwords to any accounts ,I don't want them ...he regularly up-loads tech advice/reviewing videos to you tube and enjoys the advice he is able to give . Of course as it is youtube nice comments also come with vile and offensive ones ~he couldn't care less .

I don't monitor games either... nor the TV .

Well , am I unusual ?

Is there some dreadful thing that could happen that I have overlooked ?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 07/05/2011 19:05

Doley... you dont seem to be taking it in. Grooming takes time..it isnt an overnight thing.

You say you may be moving to England if I recall. Lets say your son is chatting to a gaming buddy in the UK. In a years time will you still be keeping him on a short leash? You wont be able to do that forever. There have been many many stories of kids aged 14/15/16 who have fallen into the hands of the wrong people because they trusted the "friend" they had "known" for a couple of years and did not consider them to be a stranger.

You are incredibly naive if you are not in some way monitoring private conversations a child could be having on msn, instant messaging, facebook, or email.

Original poster
doley · 07/05/2011 19:10

cumbria and this is what I didn't want to get in to with him.

Computers are a massive part of his life ,I wanted to build trust and give him a certain amount of freedom and privacy .

There are all kinds of vile things on the internet I know that ,I want him to be able to know that too ~I don't believe he can't be safe with my 'style' of parenting while he uses it .

activate most of those topics can be found in most High Schools also ,there are always a few kids with some crazy of 'out there' realities . They are not only found on the internet ,and they have always been around .

OP posts:
Original poster
doley · 07/05/2011 19:14

squeaky I am taking it in ...:)

But,say I monitored him all through his teens ,didn't talk about anything ...then gave him free reign at 16 ...then what ?

I do talk with him ,always ...

OP posts:
FattyAcid · 07/05/2011 19:22

YAB pretty cavalier and irresponsible about your son imo and he is quite likely to be exposed to stuff he is unable to deal with.

I have an 11 1/2 year old dd - there are parental controls on her laptop which is in a communal area not in her bedroom. No TV in her room either.

My dd does have privacy. She also has progressive freedoms - but within age appropriate limits.

Snorbs · 07/05/2011 19:23

"No monitoring but talking to him a lot" and "monitoring but no talking" are not the only choices open to you.

What's wrong with "monitoring and talking"? Other than sheer laziness on your part?

cheekydino · 07/05/2011 19:29

Aside from what everyone else has said about what he is being exposed to etc (which I fully agree with), can I just say that if he is that gifted at computers, he's likely to be gifted in terms of intelligence - don't you think you have a responsibility to channel that in some other way that will help him do well at school? As a teacher, I see too many kids (boys especially, it has to be said) who come into school exhausted, are disorganised and fail to fulfil considerable academic potential all because they are addicted to some computer game, or social networking. It might not seem that important now at his age, but in a few years time when his grades really matter it will be.

Are you stopping his internet access at a reasonable time to ensure that he's getting a good night's sleep?

Original poster
doley · 07/05/2011 19:34

snorbs you might be right ,but I really don't think I am being lazy .

I believe I am taking a different approach ,mainly as I have the teenage siblings in recent history to compare .

I suppose it was silly to post here ,only I know my son and really only I know what he is likely to look at right now .

Only I know how much I have talked and protected till the last year ~so it was actually unreasonable to ask .

I know I am not alone in real life though Wink and as we speak he is installing a windows programe on a mac for someone, so ...I will leave it here .

Thanks all :)

OP posts:
AmazingBouncingFerret · 07/05/2011 19:37

My mum and I had some lovely indepth chats about behaving myself etc etc.
On the basis of me nodding and mhmming in all the right places with a few choice "look how mature I am" type sentences I was basically given free reign to go and get drunk and smoke lots of fags. Oh and have sex with my then boyfriend round the back of the Church of Jesus Christ and The Latter Day Saints but that's a whole other story! Blush

Now this was before internet was in every household so i'm sure she would of had the same conversations about that.

But the outcome is the same. Still an impressionable teenager that may make all the right noises about knowing how to behave but still at risk if not checked on by responsible adult reguarly.

Original poster
doley · 07/05/2011 19:38

Sorry, just to respond to cheeky yes,he goes to bed and brings his lap-top downstairs .

I think the fixing of computers, installing programes ( for other people) and the learning to script is proving to be very helpful in using the computer in a responsible way .

I am pretty sure he will do something with computers when he leaves school ,we do all we can to nurture that .

OP posts:
proudfoot · 07/05/2011 19:39

YANBU. You've talked to him and a 12 year old does not need babying.

I think a lot of posters on this thread are being ridiculous and over-protective and, tbh, a bit strange.

I am 24 and I remember when the internet was the big "new" thing. I got it when I was 12. My parents didn't sit staring over my shoulder at my activities or collect my passwords so that they could log in and monitor my conversations and I don't know anyone whose parents did this. I think it would be a waste of time and an invasion of privacy to do so.

Tee2072 · 07/05/2011 19:42

And 12 years ago proudfoot the Internet was nothing compared to the way it is today.

squeakytoy · 07/05/2011 19:42

only I know my son and really only I know what he is likely to look at right now

But thats the whole point Doley... you cannot ever assume, especially with kids are are above the average when it comes to intelligence and particularly the internet, that they are not doing something that you wouldnt approve of.

I speak from experience. My parents were not clueless, nor did they let me run totally free, and they were in many respects quite strict, but I was still able to pull the wool over their eyes on many occasions, and I know (now) that I did put myself in probable danger, because I (as a smart arsed 12+ yr old, thought I knew better.

It isnt going to do any harm for you to keep a closer eye on his accounts, and it means you will be keeping him that bit safer than by not looking at all.

Original poster
doley · 07/05/2011 19:43

Thinking about it though ,and reading all the responses ...I would have to say that the only thing I don't do is check the history .

The thing I don't have are passwords .Kids will get round those things eventually ...they only have to meet a son like mine Wink

But ,I do think that I am a little more pro-active then my original post led you to believe ~my fault .

These replies have helped me to remember to remain on top of things ,and to continue being there for him totally .

OP posts:
saffy85 · 07/05/2011 19:46

Just because someone knows about safety and how to do things the correct way it doesn't mean they do these things safely and the correct way all the time. I don't just mean kids, I mean adults too.

How many of us were taught to cross the street safely and took it very seriously aged around 6 years old? How many of us then pegged it across 3 lanes of traffic without waiting for the green man or even cars to slow down at all aged around 12/13/14 or older?

I would personally monitor my child's internet usage, I believe it's the responsible thing to do. If I thought they were in serious danger I'd read their diary/text messages too. Maybe that's overkill and I might not stand much chance of finding anything worthwhile but I still would. Would rather look back and regret my DD was pissed off at an invasion of her privacy than look back and regret something far, far worse.

FabbyChic · 07/05/2011 19:49

You aren't unusual my kids are now 23 and 18 and have been computing/gaming since they were both 10, I never monitored their useage or access. I trusted them because of the way they have been brought up. Never had any problems.

Good on you for allowing him freedom. He sounds a credit to you.

squeakytoy · 07/05/2011 19:53

The thing I don't have are passwords .Kids will get round those things eventually ...they only have to meet a son like mine

A kid changing their password would be the very first warning that there is something they dont want you to see on their profile actually.

God forbid he went missing, would you not want to be able to instantly look at his facebook page for a clue? How would you do that without a password?

He is 12, he shouldnt really even be on facebook (although I dont have a problem with that, if parents monitor their kids useage).

Original poster
doley · 07/05/2011 19:55

Thank you fabby I am really not irresponsible I promise Wink

It sounds like you took the same approach as we are now ~I am glad you posted and showed that they do grow up just fine .:)

OP posts:
sixthsense · 07/05/2011 19:58

Why are people giving Doley such a hard time....

Lets be constructive please

Doley I could have written what you have written in your OP,....my DS does much the same and he is 12 also...We have discussed the options/ dangers around internet use and I have given him a very short leash to go unsupervised.

A very good point was made earlier about him possibly being very sensible but not emotionally experienced which is what makes us diferent from 12YO's

I tend to monitor his internet activites by stealth and I do insist on knowing all of his passwords....and if trust is broken and I find out then FB accounts etc are deleted...gone..

Im glad your DS is interested in IT and he is able to be positive with his interest not just sitting on COD all day :)

You do need to reign him in a bit though and maybe have a list of his passwords etc and tell him he is not allowed to delete his browser history as you need to be able to check what he has been looking at.....

Doley I do think for the reason that you give him so much room on the internet YABU.....but I can see why you are doing it, you are on his FB which is good and that is something I do too...

Take care x

ravenAK · 07/05/2011 20:00

I'd restrict his time on the PC because I'm a teacher & I see too many kids zzzzz-ing in lessons because they were playing COD until 4am.

Other than that - if he's 12 & IT-savvy, you pretty much HAVE to trust him (& keep talking) I think.

Otherwise he'll do what many of my tutor group do - there's the FB account etc Mum knows the password to. Then there's the other account.

So, generally, YANBU.

sixthsense · 07/05/2011 20:00

I must just add that I will gradually peel off these layers of checking that I carry out because at some point DS will be completely independent and I dont think he will thank me for reading his emails when he is 20 :D

DS has never really let me down with the trust thing either and he has been on the internet since he was about 8

Original poster
doley · 07/05/2011 20:01

squeaky I just believe I am doing the ground workaway from the computer (if you see what I mean )

I believe if we talk to our teens and listen to the responses ,it is not impossible to gauge how they will handle things without having to know all their passwords etc...

I don't think it is all that radical .

I don't think it is my right to know everything ...(within reason obviously)

OP posts:
Original poster
doley · 07/05/2011 20:05

raven yes,many of his friends do just what you have talked about .

I want to trust him ,I don't want him to let me down ...he knows that Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
doley · 07/05/2011 20:07

sixthsense Thanks for your perspective .

I know he is doing a whole range of constructive things up there ,I do have that peace of mind at least :)

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 07/05/2011 20:09

Doley I dont think you are doing anything wrong, I just personally think that knowing a childs passwords is a very important part of allowing them a certain amount of freedom on the net. If they are not upto anything risky, then they would be more than happy to supply you with their passwords.

I do hope you are right though, and your son is as safe as you think he is. I have had close experience though of a child putting themselves at risk because the mum wasnt monitoring things as closely as she could have been, and a young teenager was very nearly in an awful lot of danger, so that makes me quite wary of young teens roaming around the internet. It is a lot different now to what it was like a few years ago and there are so many different "dangers" that it is a bit lax to think the risk is over exagerrated and that there is a lot of scaremongering.

sixthsense · 07/05/2011 20:09

Doley...your DS sounds a lovely lad :)