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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go round to my ex husbands house and rip his tiny head off?

235 replies

unsurevalentine · 06/05/2011 18:17

I need to vent about this before I boil over - may be long sorry.

DD has asthma, it has been bad for the last week or so unable to take her to the GP Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon due to bank hols and it wasn't that bad then.

ExDH and I have a very acrimonious split since he moved in with a really
controlling bitch unpleasant women, who the kids hate and who has caused row after row after row by totally dominating Ex, and basically stirring and meddling in issues to do with the kids that have nothing to do with her (I of course am "a pyscho" Hmm)

I work full time and have 3 DC, Ex has them every other weekend and 1 weeknight. Doesn't help if they or I are ill, no inset days, no school holidays, didn't take any time off when DS1 was in hospital with appendecitis and had to have two weeks off school (in fact was moaning in the hospital while I phoned around desparate for a bbsitter for our younger two when we were waiting for DS1 to have surgery that he "needed to get back as his OH had a meeting that night and he was supposed to be looking after her DC" Hmm didn't offer to take ours with him). Often refuses to have them if I have dared to suggest he is being a twat, takes holidays a few times a yr so doesn't have the kids. Arranges holidays without asking me and expects to be able to take the kids (term time), expects 6 weeks notice if I need to change arrangements, refuses to be flexible (my OH is in the navy).

I have had a really nasty fluey cold this week high temp etc, I have carried on going to work as DD also looked like she was coming down it and I didn't want to take time off for me in case I needed to for her to be off school. Due to work, clubs, me being ill and there being no appts at the drs I haven't been able to take her and she has a really nasty cough and I suspect chest infection so text ex asking if he can take her this weekend to the saturday clinic (as its his weekend). "No I won't have time".

Text him this morning saying please can you take her to the Drs after school today I recieve a text slagging me off for having a cat which DD is apparently allergic to although this hasn't been medically proven Hmm (which we had before she had asthma) and for not making her take her spray properly (she does) and if she was bad when he had her weds so why have I not taken her yet and he will try but he is really very busy.

Phone Drs at 2pm (earliest you can phone for an afternoon appt) got an appt for 4.40 - text ex to say please can you take her to this appt got a text back slagging me off for giving him such short notice (10 mins after the drs opened Hmm) and no he can't as he is too busy.

DD texted me at 4.50 saying they were playing at his in the garden (as they are not allowed inside when its sunny Hmm) and ex and his oh are in the kitchen.

Fucking cock.

Thanks - thats better.

OP posts:
heliumballoons · 06/05/2011 21:53

Is there no way you could have contact arrangements made official - solicitor? So you know when he's picking them up/ dropping off and on regualr days? So he has to stick by them too? That way you don't need to text him and he can't be a knob back.

Clearly theres far more to your situation than the OP. I still think yabu with regards to that but actually think it seems its because you have been backed into a corner that you can't not be iyswim?

I still remember the day I asked EX to have DS every other Sat night and he replied " not really because if I did when would I be able to go out?" Shock and he genuinely meant it and was actually asking me iyswim? Some people are just plain selfish (intentionally or not)

Your right about them being able to choose to go there - maybe if it happens again you could take DD (or one of the others) to the GP, and then drop them off? You don't even need to get out of the car. (or wouldn't want to I imagine!)

Can I ask - how long have you and EX been seperated?

Perhaps LP would be a good place for you to post? Or maybe legal matters with regards to ex/police/ wefare issues? I wouldn't post about this situ but about the whole set up. Maybe you could get some valuable advice and support.

KittySpencer · 06/05/2011 21:55

OP, I think my Ex must be your Ex's secret twin Grin - he also cannot communicate with me at all (refers to me in correspondence as 'that woman', I haven't spoken a word to him for over a year) and on average I have to send him 5 texts asking the same question (usually when are you picking up/dropping off DC) before I get a reply.

In fact often I don't get a reply at all, he just phones the boys - or if they're with him, gets them to phone me...

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 06/05/2011 22:05

Our arrangments are via solicitor but legally he doesn't have to honour any of them.

He pays more than the CSA would make him and the court will not force a parent to see their child.

OP posts:
heliumballoons · 06/05/2011 22:13

Sounds like a no win Sad

HerHissyness · 06/05/2011 22:15

Shameful behaviour. How embarrassing some of you here really are.

OP, I hope your daughter feels better soon, perhaps the dry weather hasn't helped.

Was your DS school shut for forest fires? could that have contributed to your DD asthma?

Seeing as he hoards the texts, get some legal advice and compose a text stating that should he fail to take his DC to doctor's appointments when they are in need of medical attention then you will cancel access forthwith and go back to court to ensure he see them under supervision in a contact centre. His refusal to take an asthmatic child to an appointment is neglect.

Either that or inform him that should any child be remotely ill, you will arrange and take them to appointments yourself and should they eat in to his time with the DC, so be it, you will not stand by while he does nothing.

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 06/05/2011 22:29

No - a man hung himself at the school Sad

OP posts:
MrsMoppet · 06/05/2011 22:48

I agree with HerHissyness.
OP, if you ring NHS Direct they should be able tell you how to get a home visit for your DD. Also the local pharmacists should know. I'm assuming your Ex twat lives nearby? I hope your DD feels better soon, and that your high temp has gone too...

MrsMoppet · 06/05/2011 22:52

OMG I've just read your last post OP - I live near you!!! In which case I KNOW for a FACT that you can get a home visit from the out-of-hours service Smile.... it will take HOURS for them to arrive though, so A&E would be quicker in an emergency (god forbid). If your DD texts to say that she's getting worse, I'd be inclined to call an ambulance. Explain the situation to the operator. If you need it, your GP will have the out of hours phone number on their ansaphone message.

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 06/05/2011 22:55

Now I'm wondering if I know you MrsMoppet...?!

OP posts:
MrsMoppet · 06/05/2011 23:00

I don't think we know each other - your Ex twat and your DC's ages & school don't ring a bell. You sound fab though, I'd definitely buy you a vodka Smile

springpiece · 06/05/2011 23:01

I assume your dd will be in bed now but tbh I would have gone and picked her up when you found out that her dad had more important stuff to do than take her to the doctors. You wouldn't be arrested - taking your child to the doctors isn't a crime. Your ex's partner may have got in trouble for wasting police time though. I would also be having a think about whether your ex is actually responsible enough to have unsupervised contact.
Anyway hope your dd is feeling better tomorrow.

DollyTwat · 06/05/2011 23:05

You are getting a flaming here but maybe some of the people don't understand what it's like to be a single parent. It's hard, you juggle work and kids and make the best judgement you can, but sometimes if you don't have someone to confer with, you can get it wrong sometimes. I know my ds1 had bronchilitis when he was little, I could never tell when he was wheezy but my exh could. We spent many weekends in hospital with him. I think the thing that worried me most about being on my own was that I just couldn't tell, so ended up in the doctors all the time just checking.

OP one thing that might help you going forward, which took me a LONG time to accept, is that if you assume that you are doing everything, if and when your ex does do something to help, it's a bonus. My ex thinks he is a fantastic dad, he does nothing for the boys at all, but we have got the to the stage where we can talk only about the dc of course, he will help if it's an emergency because I have stopped telling him what I think he should be doing. It also takes away his power of control over you, so if he doesn't turn up for contact, even if it really pisses you off, don't let him know.

My ex did this to fuck up my weekends off, but when I made sure i had lots of options for babysitting and it didn't bother me, he stopped doing it.

I'm not saying I still don't thing he's a shit dad, that he could do lots more, pay something towards them, etc; but in order to get along I have to bite my tongue, smile, and suck it up. It's only for the sake of my dc.

So, have a rant on here instead of ranting at him!

captainbarnacle · 06/05/2011 23:17

Ooo another person has identified the OP from the info here apart from me Grin

Your Ex is a twunt. You have a fabulous OH who is currently very far away and you deserve a good deal better than having to educate XP about how to be a parent :(

Camerondiazepam · 06/05/2011 23:23

Shocked at some of these responses. But ultimately you cannot rely on your ex. But you know that, and you shouldn't let some of the responses here stop you coming here to vent. Just maybe not in AIBU eh?! Grin

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 06/05/2011 23:23

Thank you...

Need to name name change now Grin

OP posts:
captainbarnacle · 06/05/2011 23:26
Grin
Original poster
unsurevalentine · 06/05/2011 23:26

I never wanted to bring my children up like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
unsurevalentine · 06/05/2011 23:27

I love you guys :) Esp two of you.

AIBU grounds you.

OP posts:
glastocat · 07/05/2011 12:16

This thread is utterly fucking bonkers. It sounds to me like the OP is doing her best at a difficult time, and her ex is a twunt. Can't believe some-one suggested you shouldn't drink while your daughter is at her dad's house! How nutty is that? Grin

SparklyCloud · 07/05/2011 12:23

Jeez,lay off OP, until you have walked a mile and all that.

OP, I have a cock of an ex too. Sympathies. Its a control thing. These men are selfish. He obv puts his girlfriend before his own kids. Why were they in the garden when they could have been in the doctors? Your reasons for not getting dd to the gp are valid, his is not, hence he is a twat!

amberleaf · 07/05/2011 12:50

Some people are just difficult because they can be.

Your EX is obviously one of those people.

AprilSunshine · 07/05/2011 13:05

Fucking hell some posters are absolute shit-head turds.

Asthma is just one of those things, it's really hard to treat and know it's under control. OP, what medication is your DD on, if it's the brown inhaler I could you ask to move onto something stronger like seretide (don't know if that's ok for children but for me a lifetime of shitty ventolin and becotide seretide has worked wonders and i haven't had an asthma attack in 3 years). I would normally have really bad asthma.

Also, I'd really try and be assertive with people on the phone. I reckon you could get an appointment when you wanted if you tell them it's serious (even if it's not so bad) and there's no way you have time to wait for 6 hours in A&A because of work.

Receptionists can be bastards.

Actually, me being me i'd just turn up at the doctors with dd and refuse to leave until she's seen. But then i am a bit like that Blush

MrsMoppet · 07/05/2011 13:22

Hi OP, how is your DD today?

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 07/05/2011 19:58

Shes fine thanks she's been texting asking to go to a b'day party Grin she has the purple inhaler and the blue one.

OP posts:
florencedougal · 07/05/2011 21:10

the children should come before a job

yes its hard, yes its not fair but thems the breaks