to think that I am doomed to a life of singledom forever?

[DameShirleyKnot]

I have been thinking recently about maybe getting a new boyfriend at some point in the future.

As the only men I ever meet are wankers, I don't know why I crossed that out actually, yes, most of the men I meet are wankers, I have decided to start having a little look on Guardian Soulmates to get an idea of what is out there.

Basically, what is out there is men like:

"Crazy Creator
Intuitive, playful, spontaneous, celebratory, he makes things - sometimes for 'the world of culture' but many times for you, songs, poems, cards, perfumes, he will get the tube carriage to sing happy birthday to you, hold a gigantic airport placard with your name on or when you are ill he will dress as a doctor...he will jump without thinking!!!!."

This. This man talks about himself in the 3rd person and is a dickhead.

Can anyone find me someone who is NOT a pretentious arse please?

teeths

How old is he exactly?

Tell us about your last man, Shirl. You know you want to.

lol

They all sound like they want to kill you. Aren't there any normal ones?

Good luck by the way. Make sure they appreciate filth, I was making notes lurking on the blackmail thread.

GREEN TEETH. I mean. Really? You're not bothered if your woman has GREEN TEETH?

CHRIST!

"Excite at finding new director, writer, thinker, play that pricks interest and speaks truths that make the spirits sing. Could mutter on about wild romps in the country, free juke boxes or oldey boy pubs but I won't. Hope I am not normal as rail to realise the authentic self as much as able."

What the what now?

I suspect he has been using Babelfish

Ok I need to create a profile, help please!

no Hully. My last man was an emotionally crippled CUNT. That's right James, I'm talking about YOU you utter fucking waste of skin, shithead wanker bastard.

Yeah, not quite ready for the dating thing yet...

You are all huge meanypantses.

Did James have any plusses at all? Tree climbing? A sneaking fondness for th ecircus or green teeths?

Ok Sarah. Give us a few clues and we shall weave wordy profile magic.

I have now neatly folded up my visions of finding a date via Soulmates and put them away in my sock drawer. If I met a man who dressed up as a doctor when I was ill, I couldn't be held responsible for my actions. Basically, I am doomed to being a batty old spinster I reckon. I spent 15 years with a knob, I don't want to spend the next 15 years with someone who thinks he's a space assassin.

A real space assassin wouldn't tell anyone that's what he was, after all.

Good point, Arthur.

I ownder how many of us have dated real space assassins and Just Not Known?

Stop it Hully you are making me wee

Err can I have some help with the profile bit please... struggling here.

Man must:

be breathing on his own
be single
own teeth
taller than me (over 6ft)
no small dicks
solvent
not a criminal
able to drive a car without pissing me off/scaring me
like animals
not nag
no alcoholics
no druggies
no fatties
no steroid abusing weight lifting muscle obsessives
no couch potatoes

I found a nice one on Soulmates and am marrying him next year.

Did I nab the onlyl non-poncetastic one?

No plusses whatsoever an enormous penis

What you hmmmming at shiney? eh?

"Things I often end up discussing with people (in no particular order): happiness, truth, changing the world, food, innocence, comedy, music, films, philosophy, Noam Chomsky, beauty (in the widest sense of the word),"

Who are these people TALKING to about this shit?

i feel your pan shirl, im in the same boat, have tried all the dating websites and nothing, nada, nowt

i got abombarded with messages from a 4ft hairdreser yesterday and when i told him hewasnt my type he asked why?

Those they've got trapped up trees.

Sorry Sarah, cross posted.

Right - you can't say that you don't want a man with a small penis. It might be true, but you can't say it.

Shirl I have just written your ad for you.

"Woman seeks man who is:

Not a cunt
Not a shit dad
Not a massive egotist
Not a holiday wrecker
Not a total thicko
Not a complete mental
Not from a family of utter cretins
GSOH etc"

Job done.

That is MOST exciting Manatee.

Give us helpful hints.

Sarah- do you need a profile of yourself/what you want/both?

Ok me:

tall
dozy
like mucking about/being silly (ok immature)
like being outside
big norks
curvy but not fat - htf do I explain that? I have ticked 'average' on the body thing.
like walking/riding
like animals (but not in a pervy way obv)
like sex
loyal
bore easily
like making people laugh
can cook
solvent
like beaches/sun
also like open fires/snow etc

might be more, trying to think.

Own teeth and no criminal record, Sarah? You're setting the bar dangerously high there, I don't think I've ever met a man who meets both those criteria.

I think you should put your list, with semi colons obviously.

And I think it's perfectly ok to say you want something more than a chipolata.

Both please. Or I shall end up sounding like some ditzy slapper after a big cock which is obviously untrue

dickie's list is v gd. You could build on that, Shirl