to think that I am doomed to a life of singledom forever?

[DameShirleyKnot]

I have been thinking recently about maybe getting a new boyfriend at some point in the future.

As the only men I ever meet are wankers, I don't know why I crossed that out actually, yes, most of the men I meet are wankers, I have decided to start having a little look on Guardian Soulmates to get an idea of what is out there.

Basically, what is out there is men like:

"Crazy Creator
Intuitive, playful, spontaneous, celebratory, he makes things - sometimes for 'the world of culture' but many times for you, songs, poems, cards, perfumes, he will get the tube carriage to sing happy birthday to you, hold a gigantic airport placard with your name on or when you are ill he will dress as a doctor...he will jump without thinking!!!!."

This. This man talks about himself in the 3rd person and is a dickhead.

Can anyone find me someone who is NOT a pretentious arse please?

LIIIIIIIIIINKK. Pleaaaaaaaase!

Sarah, do you want a link to GS?

I don't hink I should link to these freaks it's not very fair really. (Although I might PM you the best of the bunch)

I want to be a bean. I really do. Are there classes?

I wonder how you assassinate space?

Ok found GS. Here is my first hit:

hatter
Drug addled Misogynist seeks wealthy and attractive but frail older lady for good times and more

Great

If he can do all those things at once, I'm interested cupcakes.

Although what the actual fuck is 'Willy's cocoa'? Erk.

There is one on there who has listed his plusses and minuses. Very helpful, I'd say.

He listed one of his pros as "being a mac user". What an utter fucking cunt.

Oh. Obviously I have no such qualms

Nah, sorry if they are going to put such wanktastic crap on there they deserve probably crave the publicity.

HAHAH!

Also - "I want to tuck a bit of hair behind your ear at the zoo, hold your hip in a foreign market, carry your troubles for a weekend, feel your smile on me at a scary party, take the weight of your exact head on my shoulder at the movies"

Gosh!

Maybe 'space assassin' means he's fat?

Bile duct twitching like a 9am erection at THIS one:

Ok, I love the variety and challenge of life; whether that's singing (painfully) in my local choral society, far-flung travel (just back from the antarctic, namibia, borneo and packing for Southern Sudan), a sneaky wild-life photography expedition, theatre about town, political debate (a tad fraught at the moment though...), life art class or the rush of competitive sport (mostly crap tennis, sweaty squash and yacht racing)..........

I combine restructuring a domestic violence charity, working with kids in a small film & theatre company and establishing sustainable businesses in Zambia to fund a HIV orphanage...

erm, with selling my soul in the city... don't judge me Guardian readers................

Oh...... and I do lots of faffing about, drinking coffee and eating cake, watching football, shouting at the telly, juggling books that I never seem to finish, a bit of comedy, rubbish films............. just normal stuff really

I'm more after someone to take the weight of my inexact head.

Sorry. I have to wee now

What kind of scary party does he want to feel your smile at?

"Alright here goes...

I am French. I moved to London a few months ago from Bordeux because of work. I work as a professional model, so do excuse some of the poses and glossy pictures"

Stealth boast. Move along.

Tree climber: Last Halloween I was the Emperor of Exmoor. I made my own antlers and everything.

That quite scares me actually. He sounds deluded.

I like the tree climber. He's interesting.

"A friend once likened me to a cat that you'd throw out of a 14th floor window (Not that I would do such a thing of course...) who'd land on his feet, nonchalantly lick his fur and potter off in search of mice."

I think that translates as: I'm so annoying even my friends would like to kill me.

Any party he was at would be a scary one.

" I live with my children in *. I also live with their mother although our relationship is now purely platonic. You might want to get to know me if you're in a similar position."

This one has a sinister edge to it.

Buppy - that one makes me want to BE violent.

This is my request:

Well-hung and willing male, very good looking, intelligent and well-read, correct political views (ie mine), earns a great deal doing something interesting and worthy (non-specific), loves housework and cooking, fab friends wanted. Basically me, but with much better and successful bits and male.

What d'you think? Is he out there?

I've umm actually found one I rather like the look of

I have just the man for you DameShirley. He's a tree surgeon so would climb a tree, but not specifically for you.

Erm...and he cooks.

If you let me have a small ads type description of yourself I'll pass it on.

Come on, Sarah, share up.

And then get in contact and we can have an MN marriage! Who remembers the Blind Date marriage..?

SIGN UP SARAH

do it do it do it.

Quenelle - that sounds...promisingish. I'm not quite ready though and to be honest I have just found a man who is looking for:

"What I'm looking for
Hmm, lets see, nothing much to say realy after all the things I just had to tick ...except that she would have to have a long or a short hair, short or long legs, small or large fingers,red or blue shoes, green or blue teeths, updated or old i-phone software"

He's not fussed.