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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS only child in class not invited to a birthday party

263 replies

sweetiesue · 03/05/2011 17:46

DS has come home from school very upset today. Invitations were handed out some of the class last week to a child's birthday party, with the rest being handed out today. DS didn't have an invite in his bag and came home in tears. Explained it could be a numbers thing thinking that only some of class had been invited. Another mum asked if ds was going so as to double up on lifts and I said ds didn't get an invite. She was shocked as rest of class has been invited. Now I used to be friends with the child's mum and we drifted apart when boys were in different nursery sessions but to my knowledge there was no fall out. Because ds was so upset and as a result of what other mum said I texted birthday child's mum just to say something along the lines of"ds came home saying child was having a party but he didn't have an invite in his bag and wondered if ds had lost the invite and didn't want to appear rude by not replying if it has gone astray at school. Understand if it is a numbers thing and hope he has a great day" She has replied he isn't invited and it is a numbers thing. My issue is the whole class has been invited apart from ds and the venue does have a max number but it isn't so small that they would be struggling to invite ds (in my opinion). Am I being unreasonable to think that there is something odd going on?

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 04/05/2011 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

valiumbandwitch · 04/05/2011 12:45

The "all or half rule" is not 'weird'. It is carefully thought out by people who have children's best interests at heart. The rule in my dc's school is that teachers do not distribute invitations and that either all children or a proportion less than half are invited. It's not 'weird'.

Yes, as adults we can invite or exclude who we like but children, their whole world is their class and their classmates ....

Ishani · 04/05/2011 12:53

Unless the school is paying for the party they can butt out, what people do in their own social lives is non of their concern although I do agree with teachers not putting invitations in book bags as they get forgotten in those and teachers have been known to not put every invite in every bag.

Original poster
sweetiesue · 04/05/2011 12:53

Scarecrow22 - to answer your question, I just said to ds that some parties are in places that can only fit in a certain number of people. I explained that we are lucky to be able to have the space at the moment to be able to invite everyone to his party, but in other years we might have to only invite some people. He was happy with that but still couldn't understand why he hadn't been chosen because X is one of my "best friends" and Y was invited and he doesn't play with X and they always argue.

OP posts:
JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 04/05/2011 12:55

I think leaving out a minority of classmates is mean, tbh. I wouldn't do it. DS tended to invite a mixture of girls and boys so we were never in a situation where all but one or two boys were invited, for example.

diddl · 04/05/2011 13:07

"and that meant I would have felt awful if I hadn't then given him invitations for everyone."

Really?
Why?

I find that really odd tbh.

pigletmania · 04/05/2011 13:09

Op it's done now you can't change things, don't keep on at it in front of your son and dwell on it, it's not going to do him any good. Crap happens, the mum IMO is a nasty cow fir doing it, and I hope something similar happens to HER (not her ds) so she knows how shit it feels. Why no throw your energy into planning something nice with some friends or the like. Organise something nice with a few other friends outside school or not in class so he has something nice to remember and talk about at school

pingu2209 · 04/05/2011 13:17

Well I know this isn't very charitable, but if dc birthday was coming up, I would send everyone an invite to a super cool birthday party - but not her dc.

If you dc hasn't got a birthday coming up - I would have a 'summer garden party' to make the most of the weather or something!

Gwinkofchocolate · 04/05/2011 13:19

Just remind me - who are the children here? Shock

MollieO · 04/05/2011 13:19

Thank heavens we seem to be beyond the invite in book bag business. We had that in reception and a bit in yr 1. Now all invites are sent by email. Means you can see at a glance who is invited and you don't have to worry about a lost invite.

I think the OP has handled this really well but if I were her I would be on a mission to find out for definite if my Ds was the only child not invited and if that was the case to then find out why.

pigletmania · 04/05/2011 13:23

It's only 1 Extra child not 5 not going to make much difference. That us why I don't want parties in my house as the devastation they cause to it

Ripeberry · 04/05/2011 13:30

That is stupid leaving one child out. Invite the whole class and maybe one or two will drop out anyway so there will be space.
Hope you have a nice day out with your DS instead Smile

chickbean · 04/05/2011 13:30

StewieGriffinsMom - I don't think she heard (would probably have been mortified if she had). To be fair, DS1 is quite naughty (he's very young in the year and finds sitting still and doing as he's told a bit of a challenge). It just does worry me that he might get a reputation, but all the mums that I am friends with know him well and seem more convinced than I am that it's an age thing.

Original poster
sweetiesue · 04/05/2011 13:32

piglet I agree, nothing is going to change, nothing can be done and it is in the past. I am not dwelling on it and haven't mentioned anything to ds other than to explain the numbers thing last night. There are bigger things to think about and I am having great fun today surfing for ideas for DS's party during the summer hols.

OP posts:
itsabiggywhatdoidonow · 04/05/2011 13:34

well I never keep numbers from party invites unless given permission too and dont expect anyone to keep mine unless I request they do. I dont see that odd at all, some parents I have never met why would we keep each others numbers after party invites unless specifically needed. Why would I also want to spend my holiday time with groups of parents and children just because they attend the same school, they are not my friends and my dd doesnt have a particularly strong bond with the womans children either ,I dont see that is odd or nasty in my opinion people who do that do need a crutch.

onebigchocolatemess · 04/05/2011 13:47

sweetiesue for what its worth I would be gutted, angry and dismayed by the whole thing. people can be cruel and this is a classic. As you say, its no biggy at the end of the day but what an inconsiderate woman this mum is.

well done you for rising above it all and not rising to it
high five

Ishani · 04/05/2011 14:02

in my opinion people who do that do need a crutch.

Or need somebody to do them a favor one day in an emergency or would like to introduce themselves and become your new friend, ffs if your number is such a closely guarded secrete then why put it on the invite at all ?
As log as they aren't stalking you does it matter.

itsabiggywhatdoidonow · 04/05/2011 14:10

this is slightly derailing...but yes mostly daily texts from somone I have said hello to a handfull of times is verging on stalking.

Ishani · 04/05/2011 14:13

So the number of texts is the problem then not the keeping the number I am sure others have made a note of it and will never need to contact you.

SueSylvesterforPM · 04/05/2011 14:21

That sounds very cruel I hope its not what It seems has the mum txt back OP?

itsabiggywhatdoidonow · 04/05/2011 14:24

both, if im honest, but i only know she kept it as she kept txting me Wink.

"I am sure others have made a note of it and will never need to contact you".

If they share your mentality and feel the need to discuss gossip and note it...then would rather not be contacted by these people confirming the need of the cruth of the masses Grin

GloriaSmut · 04/05/2011 14:25

You seem quite obsessed by this "cruth (sic) of the masses", *itsabiggy".

deliakate · 04/05/2011 14:25

I vaguely recall this happening to me, and all I wanted was for my mum to hug me and tell me it did not matter one tiny jot, there would be lots of other parties, etc rather than get all angsty about the possibility that people didn't like me. Friends are so fickle at that age, the security and acceptance at homw is vital.

Ishani · 04/05/2011 14:29

Well then don't give out your mobile number, you seem most strange, anyone can have mine and if I want to talk to you I will and if I don't I won't but I don't pass it around the playground and then moan if somebody actually uses it Confused

pigletmania · 04/05/2011 14:29

Good on you op, yes as you are having a whole class party you need to invite everyone, you should set an example to thus mum a d be the bigger person. I did not think you were having a whole class party and thought WTF are you inviting this child, unless your ds really wanted him there.

Maryz my dd age 4 has suspected Asd, awaiting dx, was so Shock she was invited to 6 parties in the year, and not class ones. I was not expecting that at all, won't speak too soon though

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