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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS only child in class not invited to a birthday party

263 replies

sweetiesue · 03/05/2011 17:46

DS has come home from school very upset today. Invitations were handed out some of the class last week to a child's birthday party, with the rest being handed out today. DS didn't have an invite in his bag and came home in tears. Explained it could be a numbers thing thinking that only some of class had been invited. Another mum asked if ds was going so as to double up on lifts and I said ds didn't get an invite. She was shocked as rest of class has been invited. Now I used to be friends with the child's mum and we drifted apart when boys were in different nursery sessions but to my knowledge there was no fall out. Because ds was so upset and as a result of what other mum said I texted birthday child's mum just to say something along the lines of"ds came home saying child was having a party but he didn't have an invite in his bag and wondered if ds had lost the invite and didn't want to appear rude by not replying if it has gone astray at school. Understand if it is a numbers thing and hope he has a great day" She has replied he isn't invited and it is a numbers thing. My issue is the whole class has been invited apart from ds and the venue does have a max number but it isn't so small that they would be struggling to invite ds (in my opinion). Am I being unreasonable to think that there is something odd going on?

OP posts:
ebbandflow · 03/05/2011 18:21

Does the venue have a minimum number? It could be that parents decided just to invite minimum number of children.

themildmanneredjanitor · 03/05/2011 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TidyDancer · 03/05/2011 18:22

Oh poor DS. :(

That doesn't sound right at all. The mother sounds like a bitch, barely bothering to veil the fact that your DS is being singled out. I don't know what you can do about it though....

ajandjjmum · 03/05/2011 18:23

As the teacher has already been involved, I would ask her if your DS was the only one excluded. And if so, see if she may have any idea why.

goodbyemrschips · 03/05/2011 18:24

She had told you he is not invited I would just leave it.

You will get more upset if you ask around.

Just take him out somewhere.

Original poster
sweetiesue · 03/05/2011 18:24

I'll check a few more tomorrow.

Mum and I drifted through not seeing each other at nursery and keep fit classes as we have both gone back to work and now go at diff times. To my knowledge there has been no fall out, she has made another group of friends through what she does now and I only see her briefly at school gates a couple of times a week. I am always polite and say hello and smile when I see her, ask after other kids etc. She just about manages to acknowledge me but it sometimes seems a bit of a chore.

If I was feeling really mean I wouldn't invite her son to my ds's party later this year but I just couldn't do that.

OP posts:
JamieAgain · 03/05/2011 18:26

sweetie - you keep talking about the mother's relationship with you, but I'm wondering about the two boys' relationship. Maybe her son really doen't want your son there?

MotherSnacker · 03/05/2011 18:26

Very mean. I would never talk to her again.

Treat him.

Leave it, nothing more you can do.

SharkSkinThing · 03/05/2011 18:27

Aw. I'm with mildmanneredjanitor - let it go and move on. It's cruel, but such is life, and just make sure you have the most amazingly special day with your DS.

And you're being ace by inviting her son to the party later in the year, shows how much more mature and generous you are. ;-)

Original poster
sweetiesue · 03/05/2011 18:28

The boys are good friends at school, who play very well together and are often choosing each other as partners - according to teacher at parent's info afternoon

OP posts:
bigbuttons · 03/05/2011 18:30

It could be that she finds your ds difficult for some reason?

Ishani · 03/05/2011 18:30

Well one child pushed my DD down the steps at school causing her to lose her two front teeth, she certainly didn't get an invitation to DD's party and since the rest of the class had done nothing wrong they did.
If my child doesn't like somebody I don't expect to force her to share her fun day with them.

heliumballoons · 03/05/2011 18:32

ishani your poor DD. Sad

helenthemadex · 03/05/2011 18:32

what a vile and incredibly childish thing of her to do, I dont think any decent or reasonable parent would be so awful to another child.

I would be very upset in your position, and if you are absolutely sure that he is the only child not invited to the party I would be very tempted to text her something along the lines of 'ds is very upset at being the only child in the class not invited, I hope you never have to see you son feel this way you fucking vile spiteful bitch

I wouldnt make a big deal of it with your ds and maybe do something special with him on the day

bemybebe · 03/05/2011 18:34

Very odd, but I do think there is more to it then your relationship with his mum if true that only your DS was not invited.

Ishani · 03/05/2011 18:34

Oh she's fine now but I wasn't going to serve the little bastard ice cream after she'd cost me over a grand at the dentist.

Gwinkofchocolate · 03/05/2011 18:36

I agree with those who say that you are turning this into a much bigger deal than it needs to be. I don't really understand how you can be so sure that he is the only boy/child not invited and I think you will look a bit precious if you start asking around.

I think this is an opportunity to teach him that we don't always get what we want and that sometimes people can do things that will upset him. Your job as his parent is to teach him to deal with that rather than to march around the playground gathering evidence for your conspiracy theory.

caughtinanet · 03/05/2011 18:38

Could you ask your friend to have a word with the mum along the lines of being embarassed about mentioning lift sharing and not realising you DS wasn't invited and see what the pary mum says.

I was once in a similar position with one of my DCs and it turned out to be a misunderstanding about numbers but I was really upset until I spoke to the other mum - I'd find it impossible to just forget about it and move on.

pigletmania · 03/05/2011 18:39

That is dreadful. I remember on here that this was discussed here on MN, and the same thing happened to a MNetterr when she was a child, and her mum took her along to the party venue and said to the mum that she presumed that her invite had gotten lost and left her at the venue Grin. The party girl was shocked but nothing that they could do,mabey you could do the same OP. If not do something really nice with your ds on the day and have lots of fun and don't mention the party and how upset you are to him.

scaryteacher · 03/05/2011 18:40

This is why teachers should not hand out part invites as they get dragged into all this.

I always made a point of inviting everyone in the class as it is inclusive, and those who don't get invited much would have at least one invitation a year. I also don't like the bitchy point scoring that goes on with parties, so it was easier to ask everyone.

By the time they get to secondary it's so much easier - couple of mates round for a sleepover, pizza and a movie somewhere. Sorted.

JamieAgain · 03/05/2011 18:42

I can see it's upsetting, partly because it's so unexpected and you want to get to the bottom of it. I do think Gwink has a point though

How old are they?

I hate Birthday parties, BTW. Nothing but trouble

pigletmania · 03/05/2011 18:42

What an absolute cow bag to leave one child out, that is the lowest of the low, I sincerely hope that it happens to the party child so that the parents know how it feels like. Sorry I know that I sound mean but could not help myself saying that.

bemybebe · 03/05/2011 18:43

I would be upset for my dc if s/he was the only child not invited, but confronting the other child's parents?? Well, only maybe to find out what happened, because it is odd if there is nothing behind such a behavior. Definitely not to express displeasure.

pigletmania · 03/05/2011 18:44

Whats one over the numbers going to hurt ffs

Dannythedragon · 03/05/2011 18:44

How awful for your son.

I would be having a quiet word to the teacher too about handing out invites to all the class bar one. A lot of schools will only hand out invites if all the class is invited and if not then school will not hand them out to avoid upset. I think that was bad form by the teacher.