DS only child in class not invited to a birthday party

[sweetiesue]

DS has come home from school very upset today. Invitations were handed out some of the class last week to a child's birthday party, with the rest being handed out today. DS didn't have an invite in his bag and came home in tears. Explained it could be a numbers thing thinking that only some of class had been invited. Another mum asked if ds was going so as to double up on lifts and I said ds didn't get an invite. She was shocked as rest of class has been invited. Now I used to be friends with the child's mum and we drifted apart when boys were in different nursery sessions but to my knowledge there was no fall out. Because ds was so upset and as a result of what other mum said I texted birthday child's mum just to say something along the lines of"ds came home saying child was having a party but he didn't have an invite in his bag and wondered if ds had lost the invite and didn't want to appear rude by not replying if it has gone astray at school. Understand if it is a numbers thing and hope he has a great day" She has replied he isn't invited and it is a numbers thing. My issue is the whole class has been invited apart from ds and the venue does have a max number but it isn't so small that they would be struggling to invite ds (in my opinion). Am I being unreasonable to think that there is something odd going on?

Happened to my ds in reception and he was friends with boy and my ds is a honey (I am a bit of a problem child though!)

Anyway ds has invited him every year except last (small camping thing but went camping with boy a couple of weeks later (he loves parties and does em instead of big presents)

I always smile she gives lovely pressies now - has still never invited ds to party neither boy cares

Parties all about mummies I reckon in reception/ yr 1. You have to not care I was pleased cause it meant we could have fab day out (actually I was furious and a friend had asked as couldn't believe littleswirls left out)

Only thing I can advise. Don't care and yr ds won't don't change your behaviour and be petty and time will work it all out for you!

Chin up!

I really feel for your ds OP but really think that for ds's sake you need to play this down and accept it. I don't think what has been done is right at all but no child is entitled to an invitation. I really don't think you have been very tactful in contacting so many people so quickly let alone the host mother. You may well have been invited in any event if another child declined.

When my dd was 5 she was a very quiet and gentle child and the only one in her class not to get invited to a party but I don't think she realised.

I did and felt very upset for her but took her to see a show on that day as a special treat and told her I'd arranged it months previously and it meant that she couldn't go to any parties that might be taking place on the same day.

Another time she seemed to be the only child not invited to a party but it turned out that another child had been given my dd's invitation as well as her own and the child's mother knew this but hadn't bothered to pass it on. We didn't know this until the party was over.

The party will be over soon OP and there will be another. I agree with the poster who says to play it down, nonchalance is the best revenge.

crystalglasses that has happened to me in the past. I had a rather passive aggressive encounter with a mother who demanded to know why I hadn't RSVP'd her invite. She found it in her childs folder. There and then. Whilst I was watching. The thing is we really were busy elsewhere that day. It was great!

My friend and my mum are both teachers - rule at their schools - NO party invites at all allowed at school. They can be posted. Best thing really. Silly that some schools get involved - imposing a rule about over half the class ? WTF ? thats so stupid. Why should someone tell me how to run my and my DC's social life ?
Really feel for you OP, but essentially there is nothing you can do - just play it down. There will be other parties in the future.

I do feel you should calm down and not be upset over this - mainly because, wouldnt want your little boy to see youre upset, children pick up on feelings quickly even when we feel we're doing a good job of hiding how we feel. There are some mothers who are silly and spiteful in this way, youlll be greyhaired by the time your son leaves primary school if you let this one get to you! youre upset for your son. Understandable - but just have a really special day with him, take him somewhere nice, does he have a friend outside school who can join him on his special day out? That way if other children at school talk about the party (which they wont for very long) then, he can have something to talk about too.

I hope your son's wrong and not everyone else is going. I think its really inconsiderate to invite every child in the class but one. Even if they are not freinds as an adult you'd think the woman could see how hurtful that could be to a child.

I wouldn't know what to do either OP -there is no manual for these things. A totally fair question IMO.

When I were a lass We had birthday parties at home, wtf is the whole venue thing????

We played pass the parcel, musical chairs, pin the tail on the donkey and we took a bit of cake home, we didnt stress about party bags, cos we didnt have them, who to invite and who to leave out was straight forward, we invited who we liked and were friends with, the rest just werent invited, and it was no big deal.

I had a birthday party every year, and no way would I have invited the whole class and nor would I have expected to be invited to every other kid`s birthday.

Ive just decided my 14 week old is never having a birthday party, it sounds too political.

I do agree its a bit off if the whole class has been invited and one child left out, but what can you do?

Questions that came to mind were.

1. Does your son play at his house, and vice versa?
2. Does the birthday boy know your son did not receive an invitation?
3. Has your son asked the birthday boy if he was invited?

I think if you really need to know, ask the mother if there is actually some reason why, and to please honestly tell you if there is a problem regarding your son that you need to be aware of.

Don't text her, call her on the phone. Emphasize you are NOT calling to press for an invite for your son, but see if there is a problem you do not know of.

Although I wouldn't bother myself. I think if the boy really liked your ds as much as your ds thinks, he would have been invited. Children do not always know if another child doesn't like them. Neither do teachers if the children act politely towards each other and play together.

I am sure your son is a sweet child, but sometimes one child just does not like another, and may be too polite to openly show it.

I would definitely "remember" that is the same day/week-end you are going to and that ds won't be able to attend the party.

I cannot believe the bulk of these posts! Your son hasn't been invited for a reason. He has no automatic right to go to another child's party.

This child's mum is doing what she feels is best for her child's birthday. She is not worrying about your feelings or your son's because there will be enough for her to worry about in organising a big party.

She may just be being polite saying it's a numbers thing. Are the other mums sympathetic to your plight? Does your son get play dates with his classmates?

From my experience, the children who get excluded are the difficult ones or unpopular ones, however harsh that may sound and however politically incorrect.

If ever I've had a 'numbers issue' or when some children my dc like but perhaps don't mix so well then I've always split the party in two: have the main party (say at the weekend) and then have the others round on his actual birthdate for a birthday tea at home. This works well but of course it's more work for me!

If you want to get to the bottom of your child's exclusion there really is only one thing for it. Invite this child over on a playdate and then you'll be able to have a 1 to 1 with the mum.

But there will be hundreds of parties in your child's life time so please, do as the other posts say and organise a fun day for your child on that day.

Why not find out who else got excluded from the teacher or other mums and plan a fun day out for those children instead?

So the children have been together as a little group for a few years -- as toddlers, in nursery and in playgroup? The party situation is even harder to understand now.

I agree with those who say a school should not allow parents to ask teachers to distribute invitations. A lot of problems could be avoided if parents did their own dirty work had to conduct their DCs' social lives in private, without using the teachers as their social secretaries.

Now, I do agree with Goblin Child and Mathanxiety about not involving teachers in social arrangements and asking them to hand out invitations but do they agree with me that what I put in my children's lunchboxes, how they arrive for school (foot, bicycle or car) and how long they spend on the computer is really nothing to do with a primary school teacher either and it would be better if they got on with their job, teaching, rather than interfering with mine, parenting and organising a busy family.

Has it been established yet that everyone else has been invited?

If they haven´t-what´s the problem?

TBH I think that involving teachers is ridiculous.

JeremyKyles' post reminds me of the time my DS was confronted by a mother who wanted to know why I hadn't responded to a party invitation. He was only 6 and terrified he'd done something wrong! The party was completely over the top, in the most expensive venue in town and the stupid woman had paid someone to organise it for her

I took great pleasure in telling her that I had actually texted her within days of receiving the invitation and she mumbled something about having been in America at the time

Stupid cow

Yes, whole class parties are the spawn of Satan himself.
No, no-one should be made to feel they should invite anyone.
No, the teacher should not take any responsibility for the OP's problem......(except given that she was/is quite happy to hand out the invitations in the first place........)

But.....
If this really is one child being left out, out of 17,then I hope the birthday child's mother is a MNer and I hope she is reading this thread right now.

Here the norm (unfortunately) is whole class parties...dd (because she is a child...) always says "I don't want to invite X,she's not my friend" to which I answer X will be coming, because the whole class is coming and it would be very unkind to invite whole class except X.

It doesn't need to be overthought. There doesn't need to be excessive naval gazing and taking sides of the OP or the other mother....it's just something that most kind, normal parents would not do.

I wouldn't take it any further with the other mother, but I would be asking the school not to take part in any further handing-out-of-invites if the whole class isn't invited. That's what they do at our school, if it is the whole class, then the teacher gives them out. If not, it's a private thing done in the schoolyard by the parents.

"Here the norm (unfortunately) is whole class parties."

Well, if you don´t like it, don´t do it!

Why do parents get suckered in to this?

Is it really for the children or the parents?

Because as soon as your child doesn´t want x or y, then they don´t want the whole class!

Neither of my children have ever liked every other child in their class enough to want them all at parties.

Are they odd?

Golly Maryz, I am saying it as it is, didn't you read the bit where I said had it been me I would split the party in 2 so that no one gets left out?

Unfortunately you do get some precious mums who never think it's their child's fault if they are unpopular/badly behaved and I'm not particularly talking about SENs.

I'm not saying that could be the case for you OP but you obviously don't accept the 'numbers issue' excuse or you wouldn't be posting.

fry birthday boy mum at the steak

would that be a frying steak, or T-bone

aside from that, I would be damned if I allowed a teacher to dictate who I invited to a party and insisted an invite was extended to x, y and z

Have you heard from any of the girls' parents, OP? Because so far nobody here knows that it is indeed the whole class that have been invited.

It is possible that this is a numbers thing. assuming the birthday boy's parents will both be there, maybe they feel they can supervise 4 boys each but not 5 (basing this on the OP's post telling us that of the 10 boys in the class, 7 are invited + birthday boy = 8).

Or are they expecting to ferry them? Most cars take four passengers.

I think in the other parents' shoes I'd have invited all 10 boys (or more likely half the boys - ds was friends with lots of girls at that age), and if lifts were an issue roped in another parent.

OP, you dont have to invite this boy.

You also have the perfect reason: Your son was not invited to his party, so I am sure his mum will not stress, she has a reason to give him.

Hopefully it will be a lesson learnt.

Now stop stressing, you dont KNOW how her son feels about YOUR son, even if your son say they are best friends.

Just to clear a few things up here as I think with a clearer head I can maybe put it a bit better and also I think some of the points I have made have been taken differently.

DS came home in tears saying he had verbally been invited to a party by X but didn't have an "envelope" (his description for an invitation)

I thought invitation may have been lost/misplaced by ds (5yr old boys are not the most reliable)

Went back to classroom to check tray etc and said to teacher why I was doing so. She said invitations were handed out last thursday with remainder handed out to absentees that day (tuesday). She had been given invititations for safe keeping and X handed them to friends under her supervision.

In an attempt at not being rude for non-replying (no invite, ds only knew some info and thought he had lost the invitation) I texted X's mum to say that DS thinks invited, understand may not be case, can you confirm. Reply from her saying not invited, numbers thing - no issue, fully understand and appreciate this and explained to ds accordingly. No problem

Another mum approaches me to try and arrange lifts etc and I say no invite so sorry can't help re lifts. She is shocked as X's mum had said whole class (17) were being invited (appreciate things change).

When speaking to ds he is adament that everyone got an invitation, no reason to doubt him but understand that his perception maybe wrong.

Throughout late afternoon contacted by 6 other parents regarding lifts. Thus showing that 7 out of 10 boys in class def invited, ds not, 1 still unsure (new boy started last week). This highlights to me that ds is only one out of original group of boys not invited.

My ds does not expected to be invited to parties, he sees them as a treat and something special to be included in. He has come home on several occasion saying that a particular child is having a party but only X number are going and he has been more than happy. He has become upset because there has been talk of the party within the group and he had (in his eyes) been invited.

I do not expect any of my children to automatically be invited to anything, but do become worried/upset when it appears that they are being left out and wonder if there is an issue or problem that could be underlying.

Child X will be invited to ds's party later in the year because as a family we have decided that the whole class will be invited (ds's first ever proper birthday party, and prob only for next few years) because we have the option to do this as party will be at home and the garden will accomodate everyone (hope it stays dry). In later years we will prob go for boys only and again he will be invited if it is poss to invite them all. If not then the party will done so ds invites two or three friends for tea and a treat/trip and no one child misses out.

Think that's it, once again thanks for all the comments

ooh, how mean. If that happened to my child, I think I'd want to cry (and am not precious about my kids imo) That is totally unacceptable to leave just one child out like that. Either have a whole class party or just a few from the class.

At my dd's school nobody would dream of pulling a stunt like this - not in the 3 years she's been there anyway.

YANBU - good for you for calling her on it too

Imagine that! Imagine a politically correct new school policy which meant that your dc had to invite every child or else!

There are certain dc who I certainly would never invite to a birthday party again! Once an indulgent young 4 y.o and her wimp mother thought it was ok to leave the party room and go into the study, climbing on dh's computer table and breaking it.

The mother was unable to tell her daughter off saying she was brighter than her years and was just exploring.