DS only child in class not invited to a birthday party

[sweetiesue]

DS has come home from school very upset today. Invitations were handed out some of the class last week to a child's birthday party, with the rest being handed out today. DS didn't have an invite in his bag and came home in tears. Explained it could be a numbers thing thinking that only some of class had been invited. Another mum asked if ds was going so as to double up on lifts and I said ds didn't get an invite. She was shocked as rest of class has been invited. Now I used to be friends with the child's mum and we drifted apart when boys were in different nursery sessions but to my knowledge there was no fall out. Because ds was so upset and as a result of what other mum said I texted birthday child's mum just to say something along the lines of"ds came home saying child was having a party but he didn't have an invite in his bag and wondered if ds had lost the invite and didn't want to appear rude by not replying if it has gone astray at school. Understand if it is a numbers thing and hope he has a great day" She has replied he isn't invited and it is a numbers thing. My issue is the whole class has been invited apart from ds and the venue does have a max number but it isn't so small that they would be struggling to invite ds (in my opinion). Am I being unreasonable to think that there is something odd going on?

no at all just responding to what some one else picked up on

anyway this is deraling from op

This happened to DD1 and I have never really been well-disposed towards the mum ever since (and it's been 16 years) even though the party girl and DD are good friends now after blowing hot and cold over the years (I don't really like the party girl either but heyho, DD1 is a big girl now). The party girl had a rough time socially throughout her school career, going through friends like shit through a duck and managing to alienate practically every group that existed in the class, even the needy bleeding hearts who took in the 'strays' rejected by all the other groups. She is a highly intelligent girl now studying medicine. There are still people from the elementary school who would cross the street if they saw her.

DD3 had a girl in her class whose mother allowed her to exclude anyone she wanted from her parties, for any reason, basically allowing a 4 - 7 year old to decide on whom she would bestow the honour of a party invitation. The result was a girl who was encouraged to manipulate the other children in the class by threatening them with exclusion from her annual party. The mum saw nothing amiss with this sort of thuggery. Same girl's older sister managed to alienate everyone in her class, presumably by the same queen bee type behaviour.

I wouldn't be so quick to assume there is any problem with the DS here; a wide empty space where there should be a sense of propriety in the mother organising the party is far more likely.

Oh no maryz I am taking it with a pinch if salt tbh, dd is not aware socially of parties and stuff and the minuets surrounding it, and would not be fusssed ATM if she does not get invited. That's one thing about having a child with asd, a scenario like the op would not happen

well done op for having the guts to contact the parent concerned and I'm sorry for you and your child that it didn't resolve the issue. I sent out invites this week for dds party intending it to be a whole class party. I know we sent in 25 invites and there are 25 other kids in her class so hopefully we've not missed anyone but I'm going off a not quite 4yo memory for names. I would Hope that if anyone has been missed that someone will tell me so I can correct the error.

I firmly agree with the idea of having a special day out instead if the parent can't see how upsetting that would be to a child.

'Now, I do agree with Goblin Child and Mathanxiety about not involving teachers in social arrangements and asking them to hand out invitations but do they agree with me that what I put in my children's lunchboxes, how they arrive for school (foot, bicycle or car) and how long they spend on the computer is really nothing to do with a primary school teacher either and it would be better if they got on with their job, teaching, rather than interfering with mine, parenting and organising a busy family.'

Absolutely agree, I don't give a stuff about it. Yet another pack of government initiatives. I'd love to not have to collect data on it and fuss about healthy eating, but it's what happens when the default response to every child problem is 'Oh, they should teach it in schools'
I think being kind to dogs and knowing how to look fer them was one of the latest woffles on MN.

'look fer them ' ?
look after them.

Fully in support of your views on contents of lunchboxes and how I regulate the DCs' lives outside of school, how I schlep them around, etc. Asking schools to take on every social problem there is is not fair on schools, big waste of time, silly and lazy policy to the point of magical thinking by whatever genius decided you can forget the parents and work on the children instead.

Are you going to post the joyful news on every thread?
You will jinx it!

We've had this when my DD was in reception. Mum and daughter were proudly at the gate giving out invitations my little girl even paused for hers whilst the girl looked for her invite. Mum said I don't think their is one for her (it was a tad awkward). DD came home in tears later in the week saying the girl said she couldn't go to her party as she didn't like people who didn't have long hair. My DD was particularly upset as she'd love long hair but her hair hasn't grown very long. I was completely furious. It turned out she wasn't the only one who didn't get invited but the vast majority out of 33 did get invited. I am not sure whether it was mums doing or the daughter's.
Anyway childish I know but when it was DD's party she was adamant the girl who disliked girls without long hair and a couple of other people she didn't want there weren't invited so I went along with it. as it was after all her party.
One of the boys she didn't want there often hurts people (quite badly) as he plays quite rough and dosn't seem to understand.....? My little girl didn't want him there as she said he always hurts people at school and he'd spoil the party by hurting everyone.
Is your little boy a bit on the boistrous side? If not may be mum is a just a jealous bitch!

One way around the problem is to avoid giving out invitations at the school gate altogether, and instead to ring a few mums and invite them and their families to come over for tea/BBQ at the weekend, and have a smaller but more pleasant party that way, with the birthday child and friends being taken off for games/disco/magic display at one point. Gets away from the church hall anarchy, avoids problems with siblings, teaches proper social engagement rather than encouraging consumerism and competitive events. I don't know why more people don't do it that way.

See this for my philosophy.

Happier birthdays

And this lot beats a bouncy castle. Promise.

Gaming, the old fashioned way

My kind of do altogether, Boffin, except they seem to have forgotten the fizzy wine essential for games organising.

DS1 was only invited to 2 parties in his reception year (new to the school, me working & never "in" with any of the Mummy circles). One of those was a whole-class affair, thank goodness.

Ragged, the thing about my formula is that it is a great shortcut for working parents to get to know other parents better - one decent BBQ every year and you have met quite a lot of social obligations in one go.

And yes, fizzy wine is an excellent addition.

Funny enough, Boffin, we had a party almost exactly like that for DS1 when he was in Reception year. Most the parents stayed with their DC, we fed them and their kids, they all seemed to have a good time, several had goes on the bouncy castle, and enjoyed demolishing the Pinata (too tough for the kids to break it).

And DS still only got 2 party invites that year; well, one invite before his party and one after (that was the all class affair). So... am not sure about your formula ... sorry!! We wouldn't have risked a BBQ at end of October, and I didn't serve wine... maybe it was the lack of wine?

Come to think of it, DS2's only "party" was last June; I made a point of buying all the adults a hot drink (which I thought was well received at the time). DS2 has only had one party invite since... maybe they didn't like the coffee? Or maybe invites are just issued... so capriciously that I really need to remember to keep forgetting all about it.

Ragged, we were overwhelmed with party invites at one school for DS2, where he was super popular, then he moved schools up the road and guess what? Few invites. Sometimes it's the people ...

Hi Op

Did any more come of this? Just wondered if you found out more?

I think that whether a child 'likes' another child or not, especially at nursery school age, surely you as a parent should encourage your child to invite all of their class mates and thereby teach them to treat others fair & equal.
You certainly shouldn't be encouraging them to exclude an individual from what is a class party!
If I knew my boys (who are always popular with other kids) were invited and someone else in their group/class not, I would actually consider teaming up with the parent of the other child or else I'd feel I was 'allowing' this non-sense. It's early age bullying, this is so sad :-(

this is a 2 year old thread!