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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS only child in class not invited to a birthday party

263 replies

sweetiesue · 03/05/2011 17:46

DS has come home from school very upset today. Invitations were handed out some of the class last week to a child's birthday party, with the rest being handed out today. DS didn't have an invite in his bag and came home in tears. Explained it could be a numbers thing thinking that only some of class had been invited. Another mum asked if ds was going so as to double up on lifts and I said ds didn't get an invite. She was shocked as rest of class has been invited. Now I used to be friends with the child's mum and we drifted apart when boys were in different nursery sessions but to my knowledge there was no fall out. Because ds was so upset and as a result of what other mum said I texted birthday child's mum just to say something along the lines of"ds came home saying child was having a party but he didn't have an invite in his bag and wondered if ds had lost the invite and didn't want to appear rude by not replying if it has gone astray at school. Understand if it is a numbers thing and hope he has a great day" She has replied he isn't invited and it is a numbers thing. My issue is the whole class has been invited apart from ds and the venue does have a max number but it isn't so small that they would be struggling to invite ds (in my opinion). Am I being unreasonable to think that there is something odd going on?

OP posts:
thebestisyettocome · 03/05/2011 21:02

Goblinchild.

If the teacher was OK about handing out invitations to every child except for one in his or her class (which would appear to be the case) they deserve every critisism I have levelled at them.

TheSecondComing · 03/05/2011 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goblinchild · 03/05/2011 21:07

Why should the teacher be involved at all?
Why should she have to ask have you invited all of the class and have a debate with a bolshie parent?
What if she's asked all bar two children? Or only the white ones? Or none of the SN children?
It's nothing to do with teaching a class. Sort your squabbles out in the playground and leave us out of it.

ilovesooty · 03/05/2011 21:09

Well said Goblinchild. As if teachers haven't enough to do already...

MercurySoccer · 03/05/2011 21:09

Very mean to leave out just one :( I would try to talk to her in person. Say that you're aware he's the only one in the class that hasn't been invited and you'd appreciate knowing if there's some problem or concern that you don't know about.

thebestisyettocome · 03/05/2011 21:10

| agree that the teacher shouldn't have got involved. that was kind of my point.

But once this person decided to hand out the invitations s/he became culpable in excluding a child.

usualsuspect · 03/05/2011 21:10

In my day my kids just invited a few of their friends ..none of this whole class competitive partying bollocks

Georgimama · 03/05/2011 21:23

I'm with you TSC. I shudder at the thought of next year and DS's first proper year at school. I am not a "joiner" and do not want to receive text messages about five year old's social lives.

shemademedoit · 03/05/2011 21:26

Haven't read other than the OP....

If it's a numbers thing, can you text her back and say that your son would love to attend, and could she consider him if someone drops out? If the whole class is invited, then surely someone'll be unable to attend.

TheSecondComing · 03/05/2011 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Georgimama · 03/05/2011 21:29

That sounds desperate, shemademedoit.

The only way to handle this is to be as breezy as possible to DS about it and wait for it to blow over.

VivaLeBeaver · 03/05/2011 21:36

This happened to my DD the other week. Very small class with 5 girls in it. Birthday girl invited the other 3 and not DD, said it was numbers. They went out for dinner and had a sleepover. This other girl had been to my DD's party a few weeks earlier.

DD and this other girl get on fine, sit next to each other, etc. Not sure why she wasn't invited and I was worried she'd be gutted but she seems to have taken it in her stride. I must admit there is no way I could have done that to a kid though. I thought it was horrible.

perfumedlife · 03/05/2011 21:37

When ds started school at five, he didn't know any of the kids in his class very well, said he liked them all and wanted to invite everyone apart from one boy who has some behaviour problems. He said he was frightened of him and there had been two issues before when I had to speak to the teacher about hitting. Still, I couldn't invite a whole class and leave one out. I put it to ds that if this boy wasn't asked, he would be better just inviting four or five boys, leave out the girls and the rest, and he needed to put himself in the boy's shoes, how would he like it?

He thought about it and said he wanted to invite him. I then worried inwardly that I was foisting a boy he was frightened of on his birthday party, but knew it would be fine as there were loads of adults around to oversea.

All that angst for nothing, the boys parents didn't bother to RSVP! Confused Learned a lesson there.

Op, it's not nice, especially as the boys do play well together. Sounds like the mother has an issue with you, unfairly. Perhaps someone has spread unfounded gossip? Whatever, it's unkind but it is life. Just a shame your ds has to experience it so early, and in such a public way! I would hurt too.

Make a lovely day for him and to hell with them.

Sassybeast · 03/05/2011 21:38

Are you being SERIOUS shemademedoit? Shock

OP - YABU. You have made this in to a huge deal - given the amount of recall and detail that you have extracted from your child about who got invites and when, you have completely over reacted. Seriously - you cannot relay on the word of a small child and I am speechless that you actually contacted the mum.

For WHATEVER reason, your son has not been invited to this particular party. There will be plenty of other parties and it's up to you to help him to realise that it's not the end of the world.

JeremyKylesPetProject · 03/05/2011 21:40

Do people really invite the whole class these days? My ds is 7 and hasn't been invited to a few parties during his time at school and I couldn't care less if I tried. I hate the whole finding an appropriate gift for a child I don't know routine, getting them there, picking them up, making small talk with people I don't know... the list goes on. The less parties the better. When ds does get an invite I ask who the child is? Do they play together etc? He understands that he won't get invited to all of them and we won't be RSVP-ing with a thumbs up to all invites either. On his birthday I let him invite a couple of friends around, order pizza and monopolise the tv/stereo/wii.

OP keep a dignified silence. Don't give the other parents any further ammunition.

MercurySoccer · 03/05/2011 21:47

How can it possibly be "numbers" to exclude just one? Confused

perfumedlife · 03/05/2011 21:49

JeremyKyles I won't invite the whole class again, just didn't know the ropes at that time and the venue was huge with a 'transport yourself' understanding .It cost a lot, ds had loads of fun, parents dropped their kids off and disappeared for a few hours with only a few staying for coffee and chat.

What can I say, I'm still learning Blush

heliumballoons · 03/05/2011 21:55

Grin @ TSC social suicide.

I don't do drop off/ pick ups as work. I use to feel for DS as I know a lot of children get invites/ playdates etc due to parents friendship. He's now in YR 2. He has a very small group of good solid friends and I have got to know the parents. I don't socialise with the parents as I have 'my' friends but DS has playdates.

DrNortherner · 03/05/2011 22:00

I can not understand this whining when peoples kids don't get invited to something. My ds when younger made a few noises of disappointment when not getting an invite and I told him to man up. You don't get invited to everything, simple as that. Doesn't matter who is, or how many, if you are not invited you are not going, no big deal.

Your kids take your lead, if you whine, moan and get all upset about it so will they.

I would never contact another parent to ask why my kid wasn't invited, and if someone contacted me I would simply tell them to buggar off.

vmcd28 · 03/05/2011 22:06

I'm confused at the rules schools are placing on parties! Everyone in the class or none?! More than half or none?! Weird! So, you have a family friend in the class, but you're not allowed to invite them if you don't want the whole class there? Or your child isnt allowed to invite their one best friend cos they don't want the whole class there? ! Bonkers.

My ds invited all 16 of his class to his party in march. Including the one who's picked on him in the past. Because that's what he wanted to do. I was the one saying "but he's sonetimes mean to you, he sometimes makes you cry." Then I realised how shit/unfair/ridiculous/immature/protective I was being. We could all learn a lesson from young kids.

Ishani · 03/05/2011 22:08

Whole class parties are bollox, nobody likes the whole class especially including the teacher no doubt !

heliumballoons · 03/05/2011 22:12

Just realised my last post seemed like I was complaining. I was agreeing with TSC about having my friends and not needing to be involved in the playground politics. The DS isn't Mr popular but the friends he has are solid and seem to be for the long run.

Actually the last 'whole class' party DS went to one of the parents (another childs) tried to force feed him a food he was refusing (allergies/epi-pens) Shock

I'm all for small groups Grin

JeremyKylesPetProject · 03/05/2011 22:16

I'd rather vacuum my eyeballs up with a ropey Dyson than have a class birthday party. The very thought of having to make extended contact with certain mothers and their offspring gives me the chills. I am still recovering from the time I heard a 7 year old girl tell her mother to Shush. Such a child wouldn't step one toe over my threshold. shudders

MercurySoccer · 03/05/2011 22:19

Of course not everyone gets invited to every party. But to exclude just one person? I know I'd not be too pleased if every single person at work was invited to a party except for me.

JeremyKylesPetProject · 03/05/2011 22:27

If I was in the OP's shoes my best form of revenge would have been total and utter nonchalance. When my ds asked why he wasn't going I'd say that I turned the invite down during a conversation with so and so's mother as I'd already arranged something much more fun to do. I think I'd have a rather massive head if I knew my thoughtlessness/meaness had caused so much drama coz I'm like soooooo special and worth it. I'd be polishing my nails on my lapel to be fair. :o