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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS only child in class not invited to a birthday party

263 replies

sweetiesue · 03/05/2011 17:46

DS has come home from school very upset today. Invitations were handed out some of the class last week to a child's birthday party, with the rest being handed out today. DS didn't have an invite in his bag and came home in tears. Explained it could be a numbers thing thinking that only some of class had been invited. Another mum asked if ds was going so as to double up on lifts and I said ds didn't get an invite. She was shocked as rest of class has been invited. Now I used to be friends with the child's mum and we drifted apart when boys were in different nursery sessions but to my knowledge there was no fall out. Because ds was so upset and as a result of what other mum said I texted birthday child's mum just to say something along the lines of"ds came home saying child was having a party but he didn't have an invite in his bag and wondered if ds had lost the invite and didn't want to appear rude by not replying if it has gone astray at school. Understand if it is a numbers thing and hope he has a great day" She has replied he isn't invited and it is a numbers thing. My issue is the whole class has been invited apart from ds and the venue does have a max number but it isn't so small that they would be struggling to invite ds (in my opinion). Am I being unreasonable to think that there is something odd going on?

OP posts:

Original poster

sweetiesue · 03/05/2011 19:29

The split in handing out invitations was because of absences. The teacher reserved the ones for children absent and handed them out today (max 4). DS said that the others got theirs today because they were off last Thursday. It is a small village school, the children know each other really well as they have all been through toddlers, playgroup, nursery etc together.

OP posts:

StataLove · 03/05/2011 19:31

In my dd's school, if it's not a whole class party (or all boys/girls) then they won't hand out invitations and they ask that invitations are not handed out at school. It can be a pita but at least it avoids upset like this.

Actually, this kind of behaviour would not be acceptable at dd's school as they have a few regulations about birthday parties that they ask parents to abide by - and one of those is if you invite more than half the class (or boys/girls) then you invite them all. I think that's fair. Children can understand that not everyone can go to everyone's party but that's different to actually excluding a small number of children - and even more so if it's one child. Completely unacceptable behaviour if you ask me and you should let the school know as they should be aware.

Toughasoldboots · 03/05/2011 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreudianSlipOnACrown · 03/05/2011 19:32

The fact that your DS and the birthday boy apparently get on well is really suspicious. Wtf. Surely he'd have asked to invite him if this were true?

So either the teacher is wrong (and not noticing some problem between the boys) or the mum has some kind of vendetta against you/DS.

Or of course there could be a misunderstanding about numbers and invitees.

saffy85 · 03/05/2011 19:32

Sorry I skim read. My mistake.

Didn't think anyone would be that mean and spiteful to a child.

OP think there is very little you can do other than emphathise to your DS that this isn't his problem, this is this mother's problem. It has nothing to do with him that she is a weirdo and some people are just mean. Your poor DS though must feel so puzzled and hurt.

TheSecondComing · 03/05/2011 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stiefeliblue · 03/05/2011 19:35

i can tell you from owm experiance it really hurts if the whole class gets invited but you don't....
It happened to my 5 years running while in school,because the mum of the birthday did'nt like me.It was really horrible before you get looks and the dropped conversations afterward you have to hear all the detail about the party of the year.
ok it happend years ago,but the rejection stayed with me for years and came back to haunt me just recently as a invite to a schoolreunin came thru my door...

pinkyonthebeach · 03/05/2011 19:43

Its totally not cool to be left out like this. It is cruel and its not fair. I really feel for the OP's son and also for you Stiefeliblue

Notsohotanymore · 03/05/2011 19:46

OP are you close to any of the mums at school? Just asking because this happened to me this year.My dd was the only girl left out,and I later found out that it was because the birthday girls mum was jealous of my relationship with another mum! and when the 3 of us were together she felt pushed out.(stupid cow)She confessed all to the lother mum! ....I avoid her now and she also has lost the respect of alot of other mums as a reult of her pathetic behaviour.So maybe nothing to do with the children.

doley · 03/05/2011 19:50

When I was still in the UK (6 years ago ) kids were forbidden to hand out party invitations during school/class time .

Guess to avoid this type of thing ?

It is not allowed here either (in US )

a sorry situation .

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/05/2011 19:53

sweetiesue,

I sympathise; the same type of scenario happened to DS some years ago now. In my case I actually saw the birthday boy hand all his party invites out to all his classmates who were all lined up ready to go into class so you can just imagine how I felt. Fortunately my DS did not really take a lot of notice - the only saving grace to the whole sorry situation and we took him out for a day at the seaside instead.

My DS has some learning difficulties and at that time in particular he stood out from the "norm". That is why I feel he got excluded, his mother could presumably not cope with my son's lack of clear speech.

In your case I would have no time for such narrow minded people who exclude a single child purely on basis of numbers - its both lame and an insult to your intelligence.

Original poster

sweetiesue · 03/05/2011 19:54

notsohot - not sure what is going on. All mums talk and a few meet up at various different groups etc, me included. I have never changed my approach to her, always smiling, hellos etc. Just because our paths don't cross as much as they did doesn't mean that my attitude has changed and I have never bad mouthed her or broken any confidences.

Really appreciate the views and opinions, both for and against how I feel.

OP posts:

Journey · 03/05/2011 20:13

Personally I would speak to the Mum face to face and say "Inviting the whole class apart from my DS is very hurtful. If you had an issue with me or my DS you should of spoken to me rather than hurt my DS in such a public way". You've then said your piece and can move on. (Make sure you know for definate that the whole was invited before speaking to her!)

You say that you'll invite her DS to your DS's party which is fine but with nasty people like that they will probably interpret it that they're getting an invite so that your DS won't be excluded next time; as opposed to you being the bigger person, which is why it is important to say something to her face.

The friend's mother is mean. You sound such a nice Mum in comparison.

thefirstmrsrochester · 03/05/2011 20:29

Sweetie - i feel for you and your ds. How nasty if it is the case that he is the only one excluded. My DD is not popular at school - dismissed really as she is vvvv shy - she hasnt had many party invites but NEVER has she been the only child left out.

Part of me is saying - make a big noise about it with the other mums you know - there surely isnt one of them who thinks to exclude one 5 year old from a party to which the entire rest of the class is invited. if I was the mum of one of the invitees i surely would be boycotting on account of nasty nasty behaviour. To a 5 year old FGS!

Tho other part of me says rise above it - this parent is beyond contempt if leaving out just your DS sits easily with her. She isnt worth the headspace.

My dd is yr 7 now and will be off to pastures new soon, however your DS is yr 1 and I would be more inclined to make the big noise - who the hell would side with a nasty boot like that?

And have a lovely special day with your DS.

hester · 03/05/2011 20:33

Last week one of the kids in dd's class had a fifth birthday party. A couple of mums asked if we were going: no, I said, we're not invited. They assured me it was a whole class thing, and urged me to ring the child's mother, or just turn up.

I didn't, of course. Turned out two thirds of the class had been invited. Now, this does slightly offend my sense of party etiquette: I stick to the all-or-half rule, and leaving out just a minority of the children seems a little off to me. But still, dd wasn't the only one left out, and the mother was entitled to do what she did.

The main point, though, is that I was assured everyone else was invited. They weren't. It's very easy for other parents to get the impression that the whole class is going, so do tread carefully with second hand information.

ilovesprouts · 03/05/2011 20:34

ishani i hate the word that you called the child

thebestisyettocome · 03/05/2011 20:42

I hate these threads. They are all too common on here.

It is clear that one form of bullying within schools is the excluding of a child from activities the others are participating in.

The school should not be allowed to get away with facilitating this parent bullying the OP's child.

MollieO · 03/05/2011 20:44

Seems odd that the teacher handed out the invitations if it wasn't a whole class invite.

Ds is in a class of 15, two classes in the year. Last year he wanted to invite all his class to his party. The venue had a limit of 12 which would have meant 3 not being invited. I told him this wasn't acceptable and asked him to choose some dcs from his class and some from the other (so roughly half of each class was invited). It will be the same this year.

I think it is completely unacceptable to exclude one child from a whole class party.

MsScarlett · 03/05/2011 20:46

I think the other mum was quite tactless to make a point of telling you that he was the ONLY child not invited tbh. Why would she do that? When you mentioned your ds wasn't going she should have kept her mouth shut, then you and ds would have just thought he was one of many who weren't going and this wouldn't be an issue.

bringmesunshine2009 · 03/05/2011 20:49

If that was my child I'd be devastated. And doing something lovely with DS would only serve to underline the fact he was missing out elsewhere. Poor chap.

I would just want to know if there was a reason why my DS had been excluded. Eg; past incident? Behaviour issue?

Goblinchild · 03/05/2011 20:51

'I hate these threads. They are all too common on here.
It is clear that one form of bullying within schools is the excluding of a child from activities the others are participating in.
The school should not be allowed to get away with facilitating this parent bullying the OP's child.'

I wondered when that would crop up, of course the school is to blame.
They should forbid teachers from having anything to do with the running and organisation of your children's social lives. Handing out invites, putting them in bookbags is not a teacher's job.

wook · 03/05/2011 20:51

Leaving one kid out is shitty
Getting teachers to hand out party invites is absurd
The whole party thing is a minefield
You could speak to the teacher?
Make sure you don't whip up a storm with the other mothers, but if they're asking re lifts you can just state that ds is not invited and leave them to work out how mean the other mother is.
Have a great day with your ds- is there anywhere really cool you could take him and maybe another of his friends, or a cousin or something?

PollyParanoia · 03/05/2011 20:52

Out of interest how are you supposed to hand out invites if not at school? And don't say text, as our reps have found it imposs to get a class list together, some parents unwilling for whatever reason to give details. I try to do it discreetly, but often see invites given out not to my dcs, and I think, well, whatever. It's hard, but he'll get over it so long as you don't make a big deal of it. Have to say find your reaction a little bit ott.

doley · 03/05/2011 21:00

Polly at my son's old school they asked they be given out in the playground at home time/before class to parents .

Here, if they want to invite ,it has to be ALL the class or none ~just found that out (thought it was not at all )

MadamDeathstare · 03/05/2011 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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