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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS only child in class not invited to a birthday party

263 replies

sweetiesue · 03/05/2011 17:46

DS has come home from school very upset today. Invitations were handed out some of the class last week to a child's birthday party, with the rest being handed out today. DS didn't have an invite in his bag and came home in tears. Explained it could be a numbers thing thinking that only some of class had been invited. Another mum asked if ds was going so as to double up on lifts and I said ds didn't get an invite. She was shocked as rest of class has been invited. Now I used to be friends with the child's mum and we drifted apart when boys were in different nursery sessions but to my knowledge there was no fall out. Because ds was so upset and as a result of what other mum said I texted birthday child's mum just to say something along the lines of"ds came home saying child was having a party but he didn't have an invite in his bag and wondered if ds had lost the invite and didn't want to appear rude by not replying if it has gone astray at school. Understand if it is a numbers thing and hope he has a great day" She has replied he isn't invited and it is a numbers thing. My issue is the whole class has been invited apart from ds and the venue does have a max number but it isn't so small that they would be struggling to invite ds (in my opinion). Am I being unreasonable to think that there is something odd going on?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 03/05/2011 18:59

isani this is supposing that the ops son is not horrible bully, by the sounds of the op he is not. Of course I would hate to invite my school bullies to my birthday party, well i never had any as a child and was only invited to two in the whole time I was in Primary and Recption school, but it did not bother me really.

Maryz · 03/05/2011 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 03/05/2011 19:00

No it was tongue in cheek nancy no I would not irl

osamabinladensmrs · 03/05/2011 19:00

Agreed, very odd.

bemybebe · 03/05/2011 19:03

Not why don't you fry this birthday child at stake for good measure? That will teach them all a lesson.

It is either all in the class or a very selected group.

TheSecondComing · 03/05/2011 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bemybebe · 03/05/2011 19:04

ok, good to hear that piglet Smile

saffy85 · 03/05/2011 19:04

Are you sure there hasn't been a misunderstanding? I only ask because if say a whole class of 30 had been invited it might be that 1 or 2 invites had been accidently left at home/dropped on the floor. Basically your DS has been unintentionally not invited.

I only ask because DD went to the party of a boy in her class at nursery and practically every other child in the class was there. Apart from 2 who's parents had claimed they hadn't been invited. Birthday boy's mum insisted every single child had been invited, no one had been left out at all and that she had assumed anyone not RSVPing did so because they couldn't be arsed, not due to not receiving an invite. I was quite shocked at the frosty reception this boy's mum got the following monday after the party from the "non-invited" children.

Jemma1111 · 03/05/2011 19:04

If this woman really has invited everyone apart from the op's child to this party then she is one cruel, spiteful bitch.

Don't worry though OP as she is just showing everyone her true colours!

pigletmania · 03/05/2011 19:06

As I said that after this boy birthday it was dd birthday and he was not invited, but then again we invited only 9 from the whole class of 39 kids that dd particularly likes so no one or two children where left out. I certainly do not agree with whole class parties and if I were op I would ask her ds whether he wants this boy at his party, if he does than he should be invited, if he doesen't than he should not. The mum really needs to learn some good manners.

pinkyonthebeach · 03/05/2011 19:06

When I was about 10 years old a classmate had a party and excluded one girl as she was the class bully. The Teacher was very very angry about it and the whole class was told off. I can still see her face now telling us how cruel it was.
Same year another classmate had a swimming party and I wasnt invited as I couldnt swim. Boo! I still remember moping around at home that saturday afternoon.
I think it would best to let it go as much as you can and start planning the best ever day out for your son. I think you will have a blast and your DS will have ammunition as it were to defend himself. "I couldnt go anyway because we did this!"
Result!

I know you are planning to invite this child to your Ds's party in the future, thats what I would do - but why should you? Why do nice people continue to be nice when treated badly? What would happen if you didnt send an invite? I just want to suggest that scary idea - an idea only the evil version of me would entertain.
I guess it worse to perpetuate the bad behaviour?

pigletmania · 03/05/2011 19:08

I was just angry for the op and her son, no bemybebe fry birthday boy mum at the steak Grin, better than that op e mail her or print out this thread and give it to her.

giveitago · 03/05/2011 19:08

I feel for your son OP. I'm on the other side in that doing invites for his first party (reception aged) - as it's his first I've said just go for it. However, I don't know many of the parents as I don't do many school runs and looking at the list I was worried that perhaps only 2 boys in his class not invited. But I might be wrong as I don't know everyone.

It's worrying me to bits as I don't want kids to feel left out. It's not a whole class party as there are 30 in his class and 18 invited, but I'm still worried. I know one mum to chat to and we get on very well but ds doeesn't want the child invited.

Agh.

The reason I'm pushing the boat out with this is because ds took ages to settle and he's almost the 'invisible' child in his class. He's only had one proper party invite (by that I mean not from someone we know outside school or from his old nursery) - I'[m hoping this will make inroads for him, However, I really don't like the idea of all the boys except one or two in his class being invited. Not an issue with the girls - he's only invited 3.

OP - no idea what to say to you. I knew of a woman who's child was the only person not invited - it was hard for the little girl and even harder for the mum. I don't know how she handled it (she obviously didn't nothing about it as you can't force someone to invite your child) but it did take her a long time to feel comfortable.

Hugs for your son.

pigletmania · 03/05/2011 19:09

saffy the op texted the mum to make sure and she said yes OP son not invited and the rest were Shock what a cow bag

Ishani · 03/05/2011 19:10

wanting to shove her down the stairs yourself is a bit over the top, don't you think

You'll be relieved to hear I didn't actually do it, but yes she is a little bastard and i'd be happy to say the same to the child's parents face if they actually cared, and yes it was on purpose we aren't talking an accident DD was told she would be pushed and then she was.

Sorry OP not suggesting your child is in the same league as this horror but just that there might be a "reason"

bemybebe · 03/05/2011 19:10

Absolutely, fry this other mum at stake, I will be happy to pour petrol in gallons.

pigletmania · 03/05/2011 19:11

ooo I would e mail or text her a copy of this thread even better wicked Grin

Toughasoldboots · 03/05/2011 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sweetiesue · 03/05/2011 19:15

I agree that teachers shouldn't be expected to hand out invitations, as it can cause problems.

I agree that we should be bringing up our children to appreciate when they been invited and understanding of the situation when they haven't.

I accept that not every child will want my child at their party, just as my child may not want certain children at his. However, I will encourage him to invite them if it means that they are going to be one of only a couple/few not being invited.

I understand that everyone has their opinion and is perfectly entitled to it.

I still reserve the right to be a little upset that my son has not been included in the celebrations of one of his "best" friend's (his words) birthdays.

I will remain the bigger person and stand by my plan to include her son in my son's party later this year (although it maybe through gritted teeth)

I am not canvassing opinion at the school gate or trying to find ammunition for my own hate campaign, I am mearly doing what all other parents are doing and discussing the up and coming events with regards to lifts, presents etc. The same things people say to me on a weekly basis. I have not and will not lower myself to the level of causing problems for anyone. I am just perplexed as to what has happened - feel as if I have missed something.

I am quite happy to let it go, move on and relax in the fact that I don't have to wrack my brain for present ideas.

Thank you all for your thoughts and opinions they are greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
TheFlyingOnion · 03/05/2011 19:17

You could ask the teacher.

I had the same from a child in my class (not very popular) who said to me that she hadn't had an invite to X's party. I mentioned to X that the child had not received an invite, as in "(child) doesn't seem to have had her invite to your party. Please remember to bring it in tomorrow". X was able to pretend he had forgotten and bring it in the next day.

Everybody happy.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 03/05/2011 19:17

But it's not the whole class, is it? Confused

Ishani · 03/05/2011 19:19

She's eight as it happens now and has since added to her list of crimes, cutting a kids hair from waist to chin, stealing from them so they have no lunch whilst she flushes it down the toilet in front of them, copying their work and then saying that they copied, the teacher knows who copied but tears all round, running away on a school trip so they all spend the afternoon at the zoo looking for her instead of the animals and then go home early.
Apparently her sisters worse, don't envy the teachers.

mathanxiety · 03/05/2011 19:19

Very rude, and why did they hand out some of the invitations one week and the rest the next week?

Go somewhere nice with your DS. If lots of people have contacted you asking about lifts then lots of other parents are presumably raising an eyebrow too at the rudeness.

annh · 03/05/2011 19:21

The other mum confirmed that the OPs son was not invited. She did not say that all the rest of the class had been invited! I still don't know how your son can be so sure that everyone else received an invite, You said that some invites were given out last week, some today. Can a five year old really track the handing-out that accurately? Also just because the venue can hold 20 and there are only 17 in the class doesn't mean that they can invite the whole class. What about needing to invite younger siblings of birthday boy, cousins, neighbouring friends, friends from ante-natal class, nursery etc. I think you are way over-reacting to this.

TheOriginalFAB · 03/05/2011 19:23

Some mothers will leave out a child to spite the mother. It has been done in my child's class. Very upsetting trying to explain to the child why X were going but he was not.

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