I'm siding with the neighbours and going against DH (Cats)

[CoveredInPaint]

three years ago dh secretely agreed to let dsd have a cat. He knew I didn't like them but god forbid his dd get told no so she bought this kitten, hid it in her room for 3 days and when I eventually found out about it (heard it scratching the door and thought we had mice!) I told DH she had to get rid. I was made out to be the wicked step mother, was told I couldn't possibly make her get rid of her new pet as she would be heart broken etc etc and in the end I just gave up but it caused me a hell of a lot of upset as I REALLY did not want a cat in the house and it upset me the way my feeling just pushed aside as usual.
So anyway we've had the cat 3 years and it annoys me so much. It has wrecked the living carpet scratching at it, clawed a brand new sofa on the day I bought it. Has shit in the house on a number of occassions, has scratched doors, dug up my flowers, killed birds/frogs/mice in the garden. One time it was "playing" with a baby robin in the garden and DSD was stood there saying "yeah! good girl! you're so clever!" ffs the baby bird must have been in agony.

So anyway 2 weeks ago the cat came home with paint all over its feet. Somewhat confused but just assumed it had been somewhere it shouldn't have been (again). A couple of days later it came home with a note stuck to its collar in cellotape saying "I would appreciate it if you could keep an eye on your cat as it has recently ruined paint work, dug up my wifes flowers (which she spend hours planting) and entered our house where my 3 month old daughter was sleeping. Thank You. Your neighbour".

I showed the note to DH and he said the neighbour was a "stupid twat" and what could he be expected to do about the cat. I was infuriated because IMO you don't just buy a pet and then say "fuck everyone else". We argued over it. I said I agreed with the neighbour and he said "you would, you would agree with anyone over me".

This morning 2 different neighbours came to the door (obv decided to team up on it) and had a go at me about children finding cat shit in the gardens and a child's tend being clawed and ruined (our cat was actually seen doing it apparantly and in return had water chucked all over it). They said our cat was basically being a pain in the arse and if we didn't do something about it they would report us to the landlord.

I told them I agreed 100% with them, apologised and said I would be re-homing the cat asap.

Just text DH and he's gone off on one saying I'm out of order and the cat will be left alone "or else".

AIBU to insist on the cat rehoming?

OK. You took reasonable steps then. Sorry. Still not OK to be gleeful though.

Nothing like a cat thread to get the hackles up on hear eh? Anyone remember the football thread

bubblecoral "I don't think there is any justification in having a pet, dog or cat, that is allowed to intrude upon and shit on other peoples property.

But I guess that just makes me a sociopathic animal hater, and every cat owner a peace loving hippy eligable for a nobel prize."

I'm not going to attempt any correct definition of sociopathy. But isn't it something to do with failing to emphathise normally with other members of society? Isn't that what you are doing then in failing to understand and tolerate the proclivities of cats and that it is their feline nature to roam and have territories? Cats are not human and don't understand fences, boundaries, mortgages, etc..

OP - I really think that getting rid of a child's cat might be quite a traumatic event in their life, depending on the child. If she has already been subject to disruption in her life due to her parents splitting up, then getting rid of her pet cat might just be equivalent to getting rid of one of the markers of safety for her.

How would you like it if it had been done to you when you were a child? Or maybe this is why you hate animals so much now, because you were never given the opportunity as a child to experience them? (I'm not unsympathetic to the position you find yourself in, but I just think being a total bitch about it is not the best way forwards).

Bollocks. She blatently didnt take reasonable steps. She is just trying to dig herself out of a hole.

A few nice posts and a bit of covering up doesnt fool me.

One word - KARMA

Ooh look what I just found :)

Nullius

She complained many times and was still moaning about the car two cars later and it was the last thing out of her mouth when we finally moved.

It was all very strange and had coloured my view ever since.

Boney,why in the name of all that is holy, should you make your garden 'cat friendly' for someone elses cat?

I dfn't expect other people to look after my DCs, so why should they make their gardens habitable for other peoples cats, especiall when they are already overrun with vermin?

nijinsky I totally agree with your point about the cat being special to her after the possible break up of parents ect.

On a serious note now, when I was little I had a lot of family issues, including the very messy break up of my parents. I didnt have siblings or family to turn to.
My cat at the time was my best friend (yes, I know how tragic that sounds but really, it was) I felt very lonely as a child with all that going on.

If anything had ever happened to that cat, it would have pushed me over the edge. I really think I would have hurt myself.

BoneyBackJefferson Now that is just daft!

Boney I can assure you us cat lovers are not all quite that mental.

I would have apologised and tried to keep my cat away from your car.
Failing that I would have helped to pay for damages.

Nick

It was what she thought everyone should do. Strangely though she was married with children so the cat wasn't her "baby".

Maybe she though that it would be easier for me to clean up its mess. I honestly do not know.

TBH, I can understand why the cat found the roof an attractive place to be, roof 1 was vynl and would get warm, roof 2 was canvas and I suspect very comfy.

But the lack of empathy was more annoying than the money.

nijinsky, it may be feline nature to roam and have territories, but it is a human choice to own a cat, and thereby inflict it's feline tendancies on other people who may be very compassionate people that simply don't like cats on their private property.

I'm not a cat lover - probably because I'm allergic to them, but I am generally fond of all animals.

Where we used to live the neighbour's cat shat in my kid's sand pit. Oh how I fantasized about having my own personal boa constrictor and giving it the run of the back garden.

Yes, I think that cats can be a pain and a menace, and a large part of me fumes at the notion that other people can have pets that we should let shit in our gardens. FFS we don't let dogs do it, so why cats?

But isn't life too short for people to be getting worked up about it? Shouldn't we be taking a deep breath and counting to 10, then realising we have to try and get on with our neighbours?

OP - I agree with those who've said you need to sort out your relationship problems before the cat one.

OP this is such a tricky one...There is no way your DH should have got a cat against your express wishes and of course it's monstrously unfair that you are getting the fall out from your neighbours now.

But unless you'd rather make your point than have a relationship with either of them in the future, there's no way you can get rid of the cat unless your DSD asks you to.

As to the cat's 'issues', I can see both sides. I'm an animal lover and would certainly never wish to hurt someone's pet, but we've had a couple of the problems that your neighbours are experiencing, and they are awful.

We had a neighbour whose cat would sneak into our house if we left the door (or a ground floor window) open unattended for even a minute, e.g. to take out the bins or get shopping from the car. It'd then sneak upstairs and lie on the beds. I never minded, but DP is horribly allergic to cats, and it really made his life miserable.

And for those who say that there's no way a cat would scratch unless provoked: not always true. I was very badly attacked by a neighbour's cat when I was 4 and still have a lot of scars over 30 years later. I never even saw the cat before it attacked. It leapt out at me as I walked by.

I can't believe how many of you think it is acceptable for a cat to cause damage like that!

Poo yes, I understand that. But cats shouldn't be allowed to claw at play tents so they are ruined, nor dig up flowers! Thee a paint to an extent I can see, because a cat can't know what is wet paint/not.

But you all really think it is acceptable for a cat to ruin gardens & children's play toys? Would it be acceptable if a dog did it?

OP, how old is dsd? I would be sending her around to various neighbours to sort this out, see what they want to do about it (replacing tent etc) & dh. Tell any more neighbours that visit to address any correspondence to your dh/dsd.

Something needs to be done!

Showing consideration for others, it's called "being a good neighbour" Nick

And where does letting your cat destroy other people's property come into being a 'good neighbour'?

I don't understand what people expect the owner of a nuisance cat to do though. You can't have it de-clawed as that is cruel as is keeping it inside. I managed to train my cats as kittens to a certain extent so they don't jump on the kitchen worktops and know to go to the toilet outside. I can't train them though not to poo in someone else's garden or not to use someone else back gate as a scratching post (and yes I have a scratching post in the house for them). Really don't know what people expect.

Plop, nobody is saying folk shouldn't have cats, if they choose to. But it is not the neighbours responsibility to look after them, clean up their mess, put up with damaged property, etc....it is the owner's responsibility. If my DS went into someone else's property and caused damage I would certainly not expect neighbour to sort it out, I would.

there are lots of people who use certain products in and around their gardens that may or may not harm animals, but as long as we make sure our DCs cannot get to this stuff then I see no problem. It's not like I used an illegal product on the mice. And I am not the bloody pied piper, with mice living in my garden happily side by side.

Plop - it is not up to the neighbours to think up a solution to a nuisance cat. Your cat, your problem. If an identifiable cat regularly shat in my garden then I would be asking the neighbour to come up with a solution and pay any costs (e.g. waterpistol) and I would expect the neighbour to come and collect the shit (or it might be returned in little bags on the doorstep). If an identifiable cat was scratching my gate I would expect the neighbours to revarnish the gate or whatever to return it to its original condition.

Good lord, there are some bloody evil people out there. Every time I think I'm getting used to dealing with and hearing of heartless fuckers another piece of lowlife creeps by.

Nick, you're just lucky you're not known to me, that's all I can say. I'm a firm believer in Karma, however it comes, and I wish you yours.

And OP, you're as bad. A cat is a sentient being, not a burden to be got rid of like yesterday's newspaper.

I'm wondering what kind of relationship you have where your dh feels he must hide a new pet from you and make secret arrangements with his daughter about it. Are you difficult to approach?

It's telling that when you argue you dh says "you would agree with anyone over me" and that your feelings are 'just pushed aside as usual'. And then the rather acerbic comment about dsd: 'god forbid his dd get told no'.

This isn't just about the cat. You all don't get on. Or communicate. You sound furious about much more than a cat.

I think it would be unkind to get rid of it, both to the cat and your dsd. I also think you need to start talking and behaving as a family. I think you need to consider compromising - it's what families do - even though you don't like cats, and that's going to mean the dsd's needs come first in this case. Many children get a lot of joy from owning and looking after a pet and where possible deserve the opportunity to experience that pleasure.

Why is it okay for Nick to poison the mice deliberately but not the cat by accident? Why are cats protected but mice (or rats, or rabbits) can be killed most any way Nick likes?