I'm siding with the neighbours and going against DH (Cats)

[CoveredInPaint]

three years ago dh secretely agreed to let dsd have a cat. He knew I didn't like them but god forbid his dd get told no so she bought this kitten, hid it in her room for 3 days and when I eventually found out about it (heard it scratching the door and thought we had mice!) I told DH she had to get rid. I was made out to be the wicked step mother, was told I couldn't possibly make her get rid of her new pet as she would be heart broken etc etc and in the end I just gave up but it caused me a hell of a lot of upset as I REALLY did not want a cat in the house and it upset me the way my feeling just pushed aside as usual.
So anyway we've had the cat 3 years and it annoys me so much. It has wrecked the living carpet scratching at it, clawed a brand new sofa on the day I bought it. Has shit in the house on a number of occassions, has scratched doors, dug up my flowers, killed birds/frogs/mice in the garden. One time it was "playing" with a baby robin in the garden and DSD was stood there saying "yeah! good girl! you're so clever!" ffs the baby bird must have been in agony.

So anyway 2 weeks ago the cat came home with paint all over its feet. Somewhat confused but just assumed it had been somewhere it shouldn't have been (again). A couple of days later it came home with a note stuck to its collar in cellotape saying "I would appreciate it if you could keep an eye on your cat as it has recently ruined paint work, dug up my wifes flowers (which she spend hours planting) and entered our house where my 3 month old daughter was sleeping. Thank You. Your neighbour".

I showed the note to DH and he said the neighbour was a "stupid twat" and what could he be expected to do about the cat. I was infuriated because IMO you don't just buy a pet and then say "fuck everyone else". We argued over it. I said I agreed with the neighbour and he said "you would, you would agree with anyone over me".

This morning 2 different neighbours came to the door (obv decided to team up on it) and had a go at me about children finding cat shit in the gardens and a child's tend being clawed and ruined (our cat was actually seen doing it apparantly and in return had water chucked all over it). They said our cat was basically being a pain in the arse and if we didn't do something about it they would report us to the landlord.

I told them I agreed 100% with them, apologised and said I would be re-homing the cat asap.

Just text DH and he's gone off on one saying I'm out of order and the cat will be left alone "or else".

AIBU to insist on the cat rehoming?

You were indeed suggesting violence against cats - look at your own post. And no, they aren't wild animals but neither can they be stopped from behaving like cats. The law recognises that.

Re. the birds issue - I know it's been refuted but just wanted to add it's a bit rich of humans to try to blame another species for killing other animals. We have done that on a massive scale, exterminating whole species, and damaging or destroying whole eco-systems. And we are still doing it. Cats aren't responsible for the very long list of endangered species. We are.

op, are you sure you are not just looking for excuses to get rid because you dont like the cat and felt undermined by your DH in the first place?

compromise. if you get rid now your DSD will hate you for getting rid of her pet and your DH will be in the middle.

i would never ever put a relationship before my children, so you may well find yourself coming off worst (if he has any sense that is)

edam If you read what I said, I'm talking about outdoor litter trays and I stand by what I said.

I don't know a single cat owner who bothers to keep an outdoor tray and trains their cat to use it.

Cat shit in a garden is no more acceptable than dog shit on the pavement, lazy ownership is responsible for the problem of cats using neighbouring gardens as toilets.

It is possible to train a cat to do only use an outdoor tray when it's outside, in much the same way that you can train a cat to use the indoor one. Or a dog to use a specific corner of your garden and only that corner. Or even the way you can train an indoor guinea pig to use a litter tray.

Spraying a cat with water doesn't hurt it, it just really pisses it off and will probably make it think twice about ever coming back into that garden. It's the exact RIGHT thing to do if you've got a cat shitting/pissing in your garden where your DCs play (as cat urine has been associated with blindness) or where you're growing vegetables etc.

I haven't read all the replies as I don't have time so sorry if I repeat.

I am not sure how exactly you or your neighbours expect a cat to behave! Yes they poo in gardens . . . it's what they do! I agree with your DH that you can't get rid of the pet just because the neighbours don't like your cat doing what comes naturally. Cats also kills small animals, it is a natural instinct but the cat will do it less and less as they get older/fatter/lazier. You are looking for excuses to get rid of it but nothing you have said in your OP is a good enough reason for that IMO.

As for you DH getting it against your wishes and hiding it in the house . . . ! There are obviously some relationship/communication/respect problems there.

I can't believe people here are saying that your neighbours abu! They have every right to be pissed off with a nuisance cat that they have seen damaging their property.

If I had a cat that was persistantly damaging my property, I'd rehome it myself. Tell your dh that you think the neighbours might do that and it may make him listen.

YANBU at all, but your dh is being an arse. He needs to teach the cat to behave, or he needs to get rid. It is not your responsibility to do any of the helpful things that have been suggested, you didn't want the thing in the first place.

I think you are using the neighbours to give your DH the message you want to give him. He absolutely should not have gotten a cat without your cooperation and you rightly resent him for his lack of respect of your wishes.
However, it's there now so you have to accept it. The time to have a hissy fit was when you first discovered it. Three years later when the child and dh are attached to the cat is too late.

Cats are cats. They are domesticated, but they can't be controlled like a dog. They catch birds. They poo. That's life. If your neighbours don't like cats in their gardens, they can get crystals to keep them away. You can't keep the cat from going into their gardens and it's ridiculous to complain to you about a cat. Also, the only way a cat would have scratched a child would be if the child was handling him or trying to pick him up or stroke him. Cats don't randomly scratch people.

There's a horrible white cat that comes into my garden regularly. It scares the pants out of my dog. It poos in the garden and worries the birds. Do I blame his owners? Of course not. I just run him every chance I get.

YABU

takethis - as far as I know, people don't train cats to use litter trays, queens do (i.e. mother cats).

bubble, the neighbours can be as pissed off as they like, won't change the fact that this is a cat doing what cats do. However, they can do something about it - buy a water pistol instead of writing ridiculous letters. As someone said, what do they expect the OP to do, give the cat a stiff talking to?

"my cats are my babies" and "I like cats better than people"???. Seriously.get a fucking grip. I reiterate my advice to the op-get rid of both the nasty creatures.

I have a large raised bed in my garden which my cat (and possibly his friends) use.

maybe get your dh to create one and make it his and dd's responsibility to clear it. And also a couple of huge scratching posts will hopefully aliviate the scrating issue.

(was the cat trapped inside the tent? I can't think of any other reason a cat would scratch at a tent, I wouldn't have thought they'd have been enough resistance)

so no you anbu to be furious with your dh

bubble, the neighbours can be as pissed off as they like, won't change the fact that this is a cat doing what cats do

Not all cats go into other peoples houses. Not all cats scratch up childrens tents. Not all cats kill birds regularly.

Do you honestly believe that just because 'this is a cat doing what cats do' that the neighbours that had no choice in the matter should have to put up with that? How selfish

Teenegers like loud music, is it ok to annoy neighbours with that just because it's just a teeneger doing what teenagers do? No, they have to respect others around them.

Dogs poo on the street, is it ok for a child to tread in it just because it's a dog doing what dogs do? No, it's up to the owner to make sure it doesn't affect other people?

Why is it so different for a cat? The fact that they like to roam a bit does not absolve the owner of responsibilty to ensure that the pet that they chose to keep does not affect other people.

The neighbours (and the OP) did not have a choice in this situation. It is not right that they should have to put up with it. A cat is not a wild animal like a fox or a badger, someone has responsibility for it. But it seems that many cat owners are too self centred to live up to that responsibilty.

edam - that would still work then. If the mother cat can train the kittens to only use an indoor tray indoors, she can train them to only use an outdoor one outdoors.

But only if the owners provide one in the first place, and that's my point. Owners don't bother to provide them and all of them should because it would almost eliminate this particular problem.

Even my ex-neighbour, who did manage to train a rescue kitten to use the indoor tray in the absence of a mother cat (kittens were found abandoned and they think the mother was run over), didn't think she had any need to bother with an outdoor one because the cats go off and then bury it.

I dont think it's fair to say cat owners are selfish...it's not easy to make sure the cat isn't bothering anyone else because they do their own thing most of the time.

I own a dog too, he doesn't shit on footpaths...anywhere in public in fact...he never does any business on a walk, only in our garden where it's swiftly poop-a-scooped (not through training I hasten to add, he's still really a baby at 6 months and seems to prefer our garden). But we always take doggy bags on a walk just in case, he's always on lead and is quickly taken away from any situation where he may upset someone (he loves children for instance but gets very excited and jumps, could easily knock over a toddler). I dont think i'm an irresponsible pet owner...cats are very different to dogs.

My goldfish however terrorises the neighbourhood

i dont think OP wanted advice about whether cats are great pets or not.

i think she wanted advice on her domestic situation, its not about cats, its about being a step parent.

why not start another thread to argue the toss on the pros and cons on cat ownership.

op - you are looking for an excuse to get rid of the cat.

is it worth the conflict it will create between you and your stepdaughter? your husband will be in the middle. i would think carefully about what you are proposing - yes they were wrong to get the cat without discussing it with you, but if it were me, i would pick my battles.
no one would come before my children.
what if you win this one? your DSD will hate you and your DH is in the middle
if you lose you are undermined a second time.

i would give in gracefully on this one but i would be speaking to your DH about setting some very clear ground rules for the future.

how old is your step daughter? how long have you been her step mum?

it seems your resentment shines through in your OP - "ignored as usual" etc etc. how do you get on with your DSD generally?

OP, cat will poo where ever it is most attractive. Chat with DP and DSD and explain that you are not happy about the cat, and now you're getting grief off the neighbours. So they need to cooperate to help cat improve its behaviour so everyone is happy. Then get them to 1. write / speak to neighbours and apologise. 2. clean up mess where possible 3. make your garden a kitty heaven with a nice place to poo (a children's sand pit goes down well!) and a catnip plant in a pot. The kitty toilet needs emptying from time to time as they prefer somewhere tidy. I love my cat, but it is a bit of a wild animal. They are not really trainable but you can manipulate their natural instincts.

I am a cat lover and cat owner, but I do think it's wrong for your DH to get a cat when you expressly said you didn't want one. I'm sure DsD would have been happy with a hamster too! It certainly doesn't teach your DsD to respect you if he shows you no respect.
Having said that you are now 'stuck with it'. I agree with some posters points that your neighbours sound unreasonable: if there are multiple cats in the neighbourhood it's likely that they are all scratching the same posts etc even if yours was seen doing it. Cats leave their scent by scratching in this way so they will all be scenting the same spots to let the others know they were there.
There are a few options, the water pistols are a very good idea, also creating a little cat sandbox in your garden and encouraging your cat to use it (and keeping DsD away). It will need to be cleaned regularly but not as much as an indoor box assuming it's bigger. Also there are some legal natural chemical repellents that your neighbours can use but as Meow75 said, they have the right to roam so to an extent they need to deal with it.
As with inside your home, you can use the water pistol and double sided sticky tape on furniture. It may not look great but you can keep it there for long enough to teach it not to scratch - cats HATE the stickiness and will keep away. Have you provided the cat with a scratcher? Do you trim it's nails - these are both musts. As for poo'ing inside the house, this is not normal behaviour for a cat and can only be the result of something upsetting it greatly. Also try Feliway plugins. I use them to calm my cats down when I go on holiday.

I am not a cat lover and if I were one of your neighbours I'd be furious if it is correct that it ruined a tent and destroyed paintwork. I think some of the other posters sound very irresponsible when they say that they would not do anything to manipulate their cat's behaviour. After all, a cat isn't a wild animal, someone has chosen to purchase it and should therefore be responsible for it. I have nothing against cats, I just don't see why someone else's choice to buy one should impact on me or my property. Many of the suggestions which have been made by some people eg water pistols, put the onus on the neighbours to act about the cat rather than your DH. I don't think that is reasonable. Sprinkles sounds like a lovely, responsible cat owner. Would your DH build the sandpit etc? I don't see why you should do it when you never wanted a cat in the first place. I'd also direct all the neighbours to him. Personally, I wouldn't get rid of the cat if it can be managed as it'd be likely to be an issue with DSD for years. I'd just hope that the cat had a shorter than usual life span.

Sorry OP but this is what shocked me the most I didn't like them but god forbid his dd get told no. You sound bitter about your DSD.

For the cat: Just tell the neighbours to spray cold water on it whenever its in their garden. Get it a scratching post and put a litter box in your garden to encourage it to stay there to crap to avoid annoying your neighbours. If I was the landlord and I had a load of annoyed tennants vs one family with a pet making a nuisance of itself I would be inclined to see if I could force them to get rid of the pet (or get rid of them).

Anyone disagreeing with squirting cats with water, what do you suggest your neighbours do? I wouldn't put up with it on my property full stop and throwing water on them doesn't hurt them. If you had a problem with it I would suggest you either lived with it or you could buy me some of the official deterrents for them, otherwise I'm using the free way which doesn't injure the cat.

I like cats but I really don't like the laws on them, if they class as owned animals like dogs then their owners should be responsible for them and if they don't they should be afforded no more protection than the local wildlife (foxes etc) IMO. They are either pets with owners or they are not.

I don't think you should rehome it, your DSD would never forgive you for getting rid of her pet but can it go live at her mums? Apologies if that isn't possible. Otherwise could you force your DH and her to take all responsibility for it. He was an arse buying a cat behind your back and TBH I think you might have problems anyway if he thinks its OK to do that. Perhaps you need to talk to him about how you both need to agree on big decisions before doing something. Either that or rehome him along with the cat!

I didn't think we were debating about cat ownership vicar? OP asked about the cat...cat owners offered solutions....?

Your dh was BU to get the cat in the first place, so yanbu on that score. However getting rid of the cat now will only punish the dsd and the cat itself, they are blameless. One is a child, one is an animal.
If you were ever going to rehome the cat it should have been the first day you found it-straight back to where they got it from. By allowing them to keep the cat you have, in a way, taken on the responsibility for it too.

I appreciate the neighbours being upset, they have a right to be, but realistically they are being a tiny bit U, what do they expect you to do? If they think their garden will be catshit free by getting rid of one cat they are very mistaken.

Most people I know just spray water near any tresspassing cats, as n reality there is nothing else you can do (except maybe strating a row with the cat owner?

Also on the scratching thing, the cat wouldn't have just scratched for no reason, the child must have been playing with/picking up/teasing the cat. The child should be taught to not touch!

He was bu to buy the cat in the first place knowing you didn't want one.

But I don't really see what you can do now. If you get rid of it your DSD will hate you and your DH will probably take her side. It will go on and on.

I can't believe that the cat is really that much of a pain to all these different neighbours going into houses and such. It is probably other cats contributing to the shit in gardens.

I think you are stuck with the cat tbh, unless you want to risk a massive row and never hearing the end of it