I'm siding with the neighbours and going against DH (Cats)

[CoveredInPaint]

three years ago dh secretely agreed to let dsd have a cat. He knew I didn't like them but god forbid his dd get told no so she bought this kitten, hid it in her room for 3 days and when I eventually found out about it (heard it scratching the door and thought we had mice!) I told DH she had to get rid. I was made out to be the wicked step mother, was told I couldn't possibly make her get rid of her new pet as she would be heart broken etc etc and in the end I just gave up but it caused me a hell of a lot of upset as I REALLY did not want a cat in the house and it upset me the way my feeling just pushed aside as usual.
So anyway we've had the cat 3 years and it annoys me so much. It has wrecked the living carpet scratching at it, clawed a brand new sofa on the day I bought it. Has shit in the house on a number of occassions, has scratched doors, dug up my flowers, killed birds/frogs/mice in the garden. One time it was "playing" with a baby robin in the garden and DSD was stood there saying "yeah! good girl! you're so clever!" ffs the baby bird must have been in agony.

So anyway 2 weeks ago the cat came home with paint all over its feet. Somewhat confused but just assumed it had been somewhere it shouldn't have been (again). A couple of days later it came home with a note stuck to its collar in cellotape saying "I would appreciate it if you could keep an eye on your cat as it has recently ruined paint work, dug up my wifes flowers (which she spend hours planting) and entered our house where my 3 month old daughter was sleeping. Thank You. Your neighbour".

I showed the note to DH and he said the neighbour was a "stupid twat" and what could he be expected to do about the cat. I was infuriated because IMO you don't just buy a pet and then say "fuck everyone else". We argued over it. I said I agreed with the neighbour and he said "you would, you would agree with anyone over me".

This morning 2 different neighbours came to the door (obv decided to team up on it) and had a go at me about children finding cat shit in the gardens and a child's tend being clawed and ruined (our cat was actually seen doing it apparantly and in return had water chucked all over it). They said our cat was basically being a pain in the arse and if we didn't do something about it they would report us to the landlord.

I told them I agreed 100% with them, apologised and said I would be re-homing the cat asap.

Just text DH and he's gone off on one saying I'm out of order and the cat will be left alone "or else".

AIBU to insist on the cat rehoming?

Your DH was being very unreasonable to allow your DSD to get a cat in the first place.

An animal should be wanted by all members of the family and he was totally irresponsible.

However, now that you have the cat YABU to think 'getting rid' is an option.

I have two friendly cats who are well-liked by the other people on our street. They have a litter tray each inside, and two areas of our garden that are very cat-toilet friendly (on purpose), to encourage them to go here - this means that they are less likely to dig up other peoples gardens to poo.

Also they have a monster scratching post (much too big for our little house) and lots of toys to keep them occupied.

Is there any way you can enclose your garden at all so that your cat can't bother the neighbors but can go outside?

Unfortunately, there's not much you can do about the small animals, you can try a collar and bell but it doesn't stop my little hunter

I would say, where possible, make your DH and your DSD deal with dead bodies +/- poo. In fact, if your neighbors saw your cat poo in their garden, send DH or DSD round to clear it up

Sorry you're in this situation, but please don't blame the cat - it's not his/her fault.

I think your neighbours ABU, having cats in your garden is part of town/surburban/village life. If they didn't want to be bothered by cats then they should live somewhere miles from anyone.

However your DH was very unreasonable gettign a cat behind your back and against your wishes. Even I wouldn't do that and I got rabbits behind DH's back as I knew he'd say no but they live in the garden so not a problem to him. But a pet that is in the house is very different.

You can't just go ahead and rehome this cat. You'll never be forgiven.

But you can stop fielding all of the neighbours' complaints and send them to your DH instead.

Strike a deal - tell DH and DSD that it's up to them to ensure that the cat has enough at your house to stop it buggering up other people's houses and the local wildlife, e.g. scratching post, litter tray, collar with a bell etc. If they do that then the cat can stay. If they don't take responsibility then the cat gets rehomed.
You might find that as a result you get less stressed by the cat because it's happier and behaving itself in your home. Dare I say it, you and the cat might even have a bit of a truce :)

I get cat poo in my garden, it's not ideal, but I could never imagine going to a neighbours front door to complain about it! Either your neighbours are irrational or you are exaggerating how bad the cat is as an excuse to get rid of it. Whatever the case, getting rid of your DSDs beloved pet after 3 years would be a horrid thing to do.

zukiecat

I agree that it's natural, but it is leading to the decline of garden birds. Most cat owners I know are mindful of this and take steps to keep the killing to a minimum, e.g. garden deterrents, bell collars etc.

Then there are the dimwit cat owners who put bird feeders in their garden and and wonder why Tiddles spends most of the day with a broad grin on his feline face :(

The lot of you ABU. Your DH is a prat for thinking he could get his DD a cat against your wishes and keep it hidden from you, YABU to rally with the bonkers neighbours who in turn ABVVVVU to expect you to get rid of a cat that is behaving totally normally.

What most people have already said.

YANBU for being pissed off with DH for getting the cat behind your back, but YABVU for thinking a cat should be rehomed for simply being a cat. Your neighbours sound either mad or figments of your imagination. Cat shit in gardens. Annoying, yet fact. They kill small animals. They explore. As for the new mother with a sleeping baby, what was the problem there? Was she worried it might wake the baby? Or paint on the baby with its freshly applied paint paws?

I also get the impression that DSD isn't your favourite person.

Sounds to me like you and DH have communication issues, which need sorting out separately from this nonsense about the poor cat.

I think there are two issues here and the less relevant one is about the cat.

Your dh went behind your back in allowing his daughter to have a kitten, and attempting to conceal this from you. This is disrespectful and humiliating. Following on from that has ensued a series of incidents in which your thoughts, beliefs, and opinions have been sidelined. The cat has damaged your possessions and is now causing problems with the neighbours.

Unlike you, I love cats - and the behaviours you describe could be altered - at least as far as the clawing goes, and in other circs would absolutely take you to task over the re-homing issue and other comments you've made.

But this is not primarily about the cat but about what he or she embodies - you feel you are being treated second best behind your step-daughter. And I'm sorry to say that you are - you are being painted into the wicked step-mother corner. I am really sorry.

I agree that it's natural, but it is leading to the decline of garden birds
I'd like to stand up in defence of cats and quote:

'Despite the large numbers of birds killed, there is no scientific evidence that predation by cats in gardens is having any impact on bird populations UK-wide. This may be surprising, but many millions of birds die naturally every year, mainly through starvation, disease, or other forms of predation. There is evidence that cats tend to take weak or sickly birds.'

'Populations of species that are most abundant in gardens tend to be increasing, despite the presence of cats'

from the RSPB

completely off topic...sorry...you can hate them for pooing in your garden, scratching and looking mean but they aren't causing a decline in birds

Does your DSD live with you? If not can't she take the cat to live with her at her mum's house? Apologies if this is not possible.

Think you need to have a serious word with DH about taking your feelings into consideration and discussing with you before making decisions.
You need to get the cat a collar with a bell to avoid it killing small animals.
You need to have a long talk with DSD about why it is not OK to laugh and encourage her cat to torture small animals

Poor cat Poor DSD.

Can you not just offer to pay for some cat deterent for your neighbour's garden?

YADNBU - I loathe cats - pointless destructive animals is what they are. Obviously I wouldn't hurt one but I love to turn the hose on next door's stalky hunter wannabe cat - bloody fucker's always after my birds.

FWIW I think you should rehome cat and DH. Job done.

YANBU

I would go apeshit if my DH pulled a trick like that! Your wishes were ignored, and now the cat is here your DH thinks you are being unreasonable for wanting to get rid of it because its behaviour is a nuisance (which I presume is why you didn't want a cat in the first place).

I think you need a calm conversation about how you really feel about your DH's behaviour, which is really at the root of your problem.

I have some American friends who tell me it's the law to keep cats indoors in the town where they live because of the nuisence and damage they cause, especially to gardens and the local wildlife.

They say it works very well and they are actually surprised that people here let their cats "run wild" as they call it and risk them being run over or lost.

We used to live in an area where lots of the neighbours had cats and although I don't dislike cats I hated the way they dug up my garden to use it as a toilet and hated finding all the dead birds and small animals they would leave in our garden. One used to use our front porch as a toilet and the cat pee stink was disgusting. I was half-seriously considering taking their cat with us on a 250 mile journey to visit family and dropping it off at the animal shelter as a stray when they moved house. It was vicious too and I hated that cat.

One cat would get into the rubbish bins and when some of our neighbours asked us to go in and feed their cat while they were on holiday they didn't mention that it was infested with fleas. Not only was I bitten about 20 times in one visit, I brought some fleas home with me before I realised and we had to have pest control come out to treat our house as well as theirs.

So although I say I don't dislike cats, I'm also not their biggest fan and wouldn't give one houseroom through choice.

The RSPCA advise cat owners to keep a litter box in their own garden to encourage their cats to go where their owners can clean up after them but I don't know a single cat owner who bothers to do it.

I wouldn't expect my neighbours to be happy if my dog roamed into their garden or house, used their flowerbed as a toilet and did damage to their property or harmed them or their children so the excuse that it's a cat and it's what cats do doesn't wash with me.

YANBU. People do expect some of this behaviour from cats and put up with it far more than they would from any other animal roaming about where it wasn't welcome. But if the neighbours are so unhappy that they are ganging up and complaining they really must feel that your cat has gone beyond the normal antisocial viciousness and filthy behaviour you can ordinarily expect from a cat.

Tell your husband to deal with the complaints and spend the time and money fixing the damage the cat has caused, it's his cat so it should be his problem.

Is the cat called Banksy? Hope it left an apt comment for your twuntish neighbours.

You think your DH pushes your feelings aside and, your DH thinks that you'd agree with anyone over him.

Sounds as if your relationship has some serious issues which are absolutely not the fault of the cat, and I suspect that the poor creature has become a catalyst (pun intended) for your angst.

You have been TU in telling the neighbours that you intend to re-home the cat which is presumably the dearly loved property of your DSD without having discussed the issue with her and your DH first, and if this is how you usually conduct yourself in relation to your nearest and dearest I'm not surprised at your DH's comment.

I can't understand how you can have an animal in your home for 3 years without learning to live with it even if you can't stretch to loving it. You seem to be resentlful of your DH's relationship with his DD, but you could have used the cat's arrival to bond with your DSD and strengthen your relationship with your DH.

I'm not easily provoked or given to violence, but if I were your DSD and you either overtly or covertly disposed of my pet you'd be up for re-homing as soon as you were discharged from hospital - and if daddy didn't agree I'd make your lives hell.

Sorry but this is ridiculous. I do not believe a cat would rip a tent and scratch a child (unless said child was holding/restraining the cat at the time) but clearly they are never going to tell you that are they.

Like everyone else said DH was out of order and irresponsible, everyone in a family should agree to a pet but you are now taking his idiotic behaviour our on an innocent animal.

1. Get a scratching post & spray it with cat nip regularly, cat will love this
2. Keep it indoors first thing and just before dusk to avoid the bird killing
3. Get a litter tray and teach cat how to use it
4. Be responsible and either accept cat will be around for about another 18 years or re-home it to someone who will love it
5. Get your neighbours to prove your cat is responsible for the "problems"- they are ridiculous

You don't like cats. You're stuck with it though. Your dh should have spoken to you before getting it, but he didn't - maybe that's because he and his child desperately wanted one and you wouldn't take their feelings into account. It sounds like your relationship is on the rocks.

You can't get rid of the cat. It is your responsibility, or at least your family's responsibility.

I don't believe you about your neighbours. No one's that stupid.

Well I for one sympathise with you. Your DHs behaviour in getting the cat against your express wishes was disrespectful of you and forced you into being responsible for a animal you never wanted.

However you have looked after it for 3 long years,fed it,cleaned up after it and had it spayed -which is a very responsible action for a reluctant owner.

Despite this you have had continuing problems and have seemingly had no help from those who apparently wanted it much more than you did.

What are your DH and DSD doing to clean up after the cat,play with it -generally take responsible ownership for the animal.

I wouldnt continue to clean up after the cat , buy it food etc. Its not your cat as you keep being reminded. All care should fall upon its owners surely?

Your neighbours are being ridiculous, the cat as others have said is just being a cat. I agree your DH should not have got a kitten without consulting you, but you are absolutely out of order to try to insist on 'getting rid' - animals are not disposable, and none of this is the cat's fault.

If I was your DH I'd be offering you the option of 'rehoming' yourself

If someone knocked on MY door, and told me they had sprayed MY cat with water, they would get a slap.

Sounds to me like the cat can do no right, and neither can the step daughter.
Is it the cat or the child you want to get rid of?

I dont believe that there is a cat version of neighbourhood watch all crowding together and collecting evidence on one cat, does he have an ASBO or something? How do they know its your cat and not another cat?

If you got rid of, or god forbid hurt, my cat I wouldnt just see you as "the wicked step mother" I would report you to the RSPCA and the police.

you sound like a silly spoilt child

get a grip woman

I love my two furbabies cats but I actively encourage my neighbours to squirt them with water if they are being naughty - it won't hurt the cat and will make them think twice about hanging about in gardens where they are not wanted.

Nullis - you're an idiot

the only way to stop other people's cats shitting in your garden is to spray them with water