Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents have been very out of order and why

165 replies

MrsMcgee · 01/05/2011 07:51

First post so please be gentle with me. This actually happened a couple of weeks ago now but having seen the great advice others have had I wondered if you would help me.

So there is the main issue and the history around it - I'll start with the actual issue.
We are getting married in July and all of our parents have offered to contribute a bit which we are very grateful for. My dp's dad offered to pay for the venue so before we booked anything we sat down with him and tried to go through the venue we liked and exactly what it would cost. We were very clear that it was entirely up to him and we could find somewhere cheaper ( we hadn't picked an expensive place though, it's q cheap). He wouldnt look
With us and just said "oh if that's how much it is then I'll just pay".

Because they were contributing our parents all had a say in the guest list and we were quite happy with this - it certainly wasn't grudging.

So a few months later - we have paid deposits and signed contracts etc. Dps dad starts asking how much it is - we repeated the figures again. He starts asking if there will be a meat option for the meal. We said we didnt know and were thinking about it. We are vegetarian and dp is very put off by smell / sight of meat. But we were GENUINELY thinking about it. A large proportion of our friends are veggy also and at the very least happy to have 1 vegetarian meal. The only people who aren't are the people who his dad has invited!

Cue massive argument where he says if we don't have a meat option then he is not paying or coming to the wedding. We were very reasonable at first and tried to discuss why they felt so strongly we should have meat. (I should add that my mum and dp's dad got together last year) we were told we were being childish and needed to come back to reality- and that we should have intellectual arguments in Oxford but not with them as it was irrelevant. (!)

We were quite upset at this Point so went up to bed and decided to leave in the morning (we had been visiting them)

They are very very controlling - never quite come to terms with us moving out. Last year we decided to take in a lodger and they flipped and told us we "couldn't" and shouted at us a lot telling us how stupid we were being as they could move out and leave us high and dry financially. We needed to move and wanted to stay in the same area and couldnt afford not to essentially. They told us we should move out of the area as beggars can't be choosers!

Lots of other on incidents along these lines in the past. So are we being reasonable? A) in not having a meat option at Our wedding and more importantly b) to tell them they are being controlling and their behaviour needs to change. It is our wedding and whilst we are happy to listen to their advice / opinions - the decision lies with us.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMcgee · 01/05/2011 07:52

Phew that's long - sorry didn't want to drip feed!

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 01/05/2011 07:55

Personally, I would have meat option in the same way I would have a vegetarian option.

NinkyNonker · 01/05/2011 07:56

Does it hurt you to have a meat option, if no-one near your DH-to-be will be eating it anyway?

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 01/05/2011 07:57

If you want total control then you have to pay for it yourself. Just as stronlgy as you feel about not eating meat is how strongly they feel about eating meat.

Goblinchild · 01/05/2011 07:58

Can you afford to pay for what you want without involving them?
If so, that's what I'd do, in a polite and civilised fashion. It sounds as if they are struggling with the idea of you being adults and making your own decisions. So stay grown=up and mature in your responses, because the moment you act like a teenager, they've won.
Went through this with my father. takes time, but you can win and still have a good relationship if you put some thought into it and keep your temper.

galletti · 01/05/2011 08:00

Mmm, I do think you are BU to be honest about the meat option. Most people do have a veggie option at a non veggie wedding, so agree with Soupdragon that you should do it the other way round.

Chil1234 · 01/05/2011 08:00

YABU.... 'He who pays the piper calls the tune'. If someone is forking out for a dinner then they're entitled to have a say in what it looks like. As said above, if you want to be 100% in charge of the decisions, you have to pay 100% of the bill.

fivegomadindorset · 01/05/2011 08:01

I also think that you need a meat option, just as you get vegetarian options, just make sure your DP is not sitting anywhere near the meat eaters.

Sirzy · 01/05/2011 08:01

I think it's unfair to expect everyone to eat the veggie option, as it would be unfair to ask them all to eat the meat option.

I also think as he is paying he should get some say

NinkyNonker · 01/05/2011 08:01

Meant to say that if they are paying I do feel that they should have a little say if it doesn't harm you, especially when it comes to their guests as well. Is it worth the aggro?

CareyFakes · 01/05/2011 08:02

Agree with the others, a meat option should be available aswell as veggie options.

NinkyNonker · 01/05/2011 08:04

Oh, I cross posted loads!

fivegomadindorset · 01/05/2011 08:04

Missed the last bot, yes it is your wedding but sa you are not paying for the entiretu then they should get a say.

LittleMissFluffBrain · 01/05/2011 08:14

YABU regarding the meat option, as a veggie if you were going to a wedding and they said 'there's no veggie option' and expected you to eat the meat one, you wouldn't be happy with that so it should work both ways. Oh and I'm someone with a DH who is a strict vegetarian!
You can't tell people what they should eat, give them a choice of meat or veggie.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 01/05/2011 08:17
  1. pay for your own wedding then nobody can hold that over you
  1. people don't need meat if the range of food is wide and delicious, but meat eaters do expect meat, so it would probably be best for you to have some chicken or something if you think your guests can't go one day without a meal with meat in it.
dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 01/05/2011 08:17

YANBU for not having a meat option at YOUR wedding. Unfortunately your dp's dad feels he should have a say in your wedding food as he is paying for it.

Therefore you should either let him have a say in the food options or stick to your original plans and pay for it yourself.

I once attended a vegetarian's wedding and at first didn't realise there was no meat option. The food was absolutely fantastic and it was very educational!

Goblinchild · 01/05/2011 08:18

Oh, I agree about giving guests the option, I'm a veggie.
I thought that was a minor blip, I was looking at the controlling behaviour over all the issues the OP mentioned.

RoseC · 01/05/2011 08:22

Agree YABU not to provide a meat option. I don't eat pork and the smell makes me feel ill but I still cook it for DP - I won't enforce my eating choices on him. Why not choose a less smelly option such as a cold meat selection (e.g. each meat eater gets a slice of ham/beef/turkey etc.) on their plate. I've worked as a wedding caterer for years and in the summer cold meat is the most popular choice so it won't look like you're trying to avoid smelly meat (which hot meat tends to be).

DontGoCurly · 01/05/2011 08:26

Yabu

Firstly if they are 'very controlling' why did you allow them to pay (and therefore have a say in) for the venue for your wedding. That's a bit of a no-brainer there. So what did you expect would happen?

As for the meat thing.While I believe some of your friends might be veggy, are the vast majority veggy?? If the Dad is paying I'm afraid you've kind of lost autonomy on it though. You can't have it both ways.

I was veggy for 17 years and I find it hard to believe that your DP's apparent aversion to the 'smell and sight' of meat in a large room is anything other than an affectation, sorry.

I think you are being very precious. If the man is paying for the venue are you telling me he is paying for the meals?

If so the yabvu.

sparkle12mar08 · 01/05/2011 08:31

The meal issue is small fry and you need to recognise that. Serve a meat option. It's not really any skin of your nose to do so, the venue will be set up to cater for dietary requirements and this is no different. Just make sure that you communicate in the invite/whatever that the 'default is vegetarian though there is a secondary meat option'. Get through the wedding and deal with what really matters after.

Because you have much bigger problems in their general attitude towards you both. This is what you need to focus your energies on. You need to start letting the verbal comments wash over you - the lodger stuff for example. Unless they actually pay part of your rent or mortgage, it's nothing to do with them whether you take in a lodger or ten. There's nothing they can do about it either. It's just words, start to develop a thicker skin and a more independent mindset. You musn't let words upset you. Where they take actions that hurt or impact materially on you then again, you also need to start putting your collective foot down and presenting a united front. It's not easy, I know, but you both have to start thinking about how you deal with this quick smart. You DO NOT want to be bringing children into a relationship where their parents are subservient to their gradnparents...

Megatron · 01/05/2011 08:32

I think you're all being a bit U to be honest. I think you should have a meat option as you should be catering for ALL guests, not just those that don't eat meat, I think that's a little unfair. They are being silly by being so controlling and throwing their dummy out of the pram do to speak.

exoticfruits · 01/05/2011 08:34

I think YABU about the food. If you went to a wedding you would expect (and quite frankly be furious if you didn't get it!)a vegetarian option so I don't see why there are two rules.
As to the control-if you don't want it avoid all finacial help.

Original poster
MrsMcgee · 01/05/2011 08:39

Ok some good responses there thanks.

Our opinion is that not having a meat option is something quite different to having no veggie option. As that's a dietary requirement rather than a preference ifyswim? But point taken.

The meat option is sort of a side issue to us. By we feel that he knew our feelings before he offered to pay for that part. He set out other things I.e expectations surrounding guest list at the start. But didn't mention this. We did though and said that was the plan.

Surely if that was his expectation and he wouldn't pay without it then he should have been clear at the start, so we could decide whether or not to accept the money? And not wait til now to raise it as an issue when we have no choice as contracts signed?

OP posts:
StatelyPoshBeartrothal · 01/05/2011 08:41

While I think there should be a meat option, it is not the same as not having a veggie option. Lack of veggie option means nothing for a vegetarian to eat. Most (all) meat eaters are omnivores and perfectly capable of eating a meal with no meat in.

exoticfruits · 01/05/2011 08:42

I think that everyone should always realise ' he who pays the piper chooses the tune'!