Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents have been very out of order and why

165 replies

MrsMcgee · 01/05/2011 07:51

First post so please be gentle with me. This actually happened a couple of weeks ago now but having seen the great advice others have had I wondered if you would help me.

So there is the main issue and the history around it - I'll start with the actual issue.
We are getting married in July and all of our parents have offered to contribute a bit which we are very grateful for. My dp's dad offered to pay for the venue so before we booked anything we sat down with him and tried to go through the venue we liked and exactly what it would cost. We were very clear that it was entirely up to him and we could find somewhere cheaper ( we hadn't picked an expensive place though, it's q cheap). He wouldnt look
With us and just said "oh if that's how much it is then I'll just pay".

Because they were contributing our parents all had a say in the guest list and we were quite happy with this - it certainly wasn't grudging.

So a few months later - we have paid deposits and signed contracts etc. Dps dad starts asking how much it is - we repeated the figures again. He starts asking if there will be a meat option for the meal. We said we didnt know and were thinking about it. We are vegetarian and dp is very put off by smell / sight of meat. But we were GENUINELY thinking about it. A large proportion of our friends are veggy also and at the very least happy to have 1 vegetarian meal. The only people who aren't are the people who his dad has invited!

Cue massive argument where he says if we don't have a meat option then he is not paying or coming to the wedding. We were very reasonable at first and tried to discuss why they felt so strongly we should have meat. (I should add that my mum and dp's dad got together last year) we were told we were being childish and needed to come back to reality- and that we should have intellectual arguments in Oxford but not with them as it was irrelevant. (!)

We were quite upset at this Point so went up to bed and decided to leave in the morning (we had been visiting them)

They are very very controlling - never quite come to terms with us moving out. Last year we decided to take in a lodger and they flipped and told us we "couldn't" and shouted at us a lot telling us how stupid we were being as they could move out and leave us high and dry financially. We needed to move and wanted to stay in the same area and couldnt afford not to essentially. They told us we should move out of the area as beggars can't be choosers!

Lots of other on incidents along these lines in the past. So are we being reasonable? A) in not having a meat option at Our wedding and more importantly b) to tell them they are being controlling and their behaviour needs to change. It is our wedding and whilst we are happy to listen to their advice / opinions - the decision lies with us.

OP posts:
pigsinmud · 01/05/2011 11:03

Make all the food veggie. Meat eaters always seem to eat most of the veggie food anyway leaving proper veggies with hardly any. At a buffet style wedding we went to friends were saying ooh I never choose a veggie meal, i'll try it today. They then had the meat options for seconds. Nothing veggie left. Helpful person suggested fish?! We pointed out that fish isn't exactly vegetarian.

I don't see what business it is of theirs. Surely if you offer to help pay for a wedding, you help pay and that's that. You don't start controlling what is going on. Would he have refused to help pay if he didn't like your choice of venue or dress?

Yanbu.

exoticfruits · 01/05/2011 11:04

If you have strong principles it is up to you to pay for them!
The veggie bit is a complete red herring-the issue is they are getting someone to pay for something they don't want to pay for. Before they accepted, they should have found out if it came without strings. If they didn't like the strings they could do without-OR PULL OUT NOW.

HeadfirstForHalos · 01/05/2011 11:04

My mother in law eats meat, but cannot eat cheese as it gives her terrible tummyache, if they come around for a meal we alays serve her something she can eat which she also enjoys, that doesn't compromise my veggie beliefs. Thank god she is areasonable woman who doesn't dig her heels in like a child and say "want meat"/"can't eat that" /"don't want it"

PassTheTwiglets · 01/05/2011 11:05

Oh but they are saying that, youngvisiter - many people are saying that the OP should provide meat regardless of what her or her DP feel about it.

The thing about the parents paying for it - well, that is a tricky one and I can see both sides....

"I wouldn't eat a cheese and tom pizza because I'm lactose intolerant." Well that's a completely different issue, of course...

FabbyChic · 01/05/2011 11:06

Im with most of the others, if you want help paying you have a meat option, I do feel it is also rather mean to push your lifestyle on others, why should meat eaters not get an option of a meat dish?

Not everybody likes food without meat in, I don't.

HeadfirstForHalos · 01/05/2011 11:06

Schilke I had found that too! i always get up to a buffet early if i have the dc with me as the vegetarian food is the first to go and I don't want them to go without!

PassTheTwiglets · 01/05/2011 11:07

"Not everybody likes food without meat in, I don't."

So you have meat at every single meal, Fabby? Breakfast, lunch and dinner? And for every snack?

HeadfirstForHalos · 01/05/2011 11:09

Yeah, nevermind cereals with dried fruit in, bring on the bacon cheerios!

kw1986 · 01/05/2011 11:12

YANBU.

It is you and your DP's day, and if DP has issues with meat then he shouldn't have to feel sick or whatever on his own wedding day.

Also agree with Stately, meat eaters are quite capable of eating a vegetarian meal without it affecting their morals. So its not the same as there being no veggie option.

Isthreetoomany · 01/05/2011 11:15

Regardless of who is paying, I think you are being unreasonable not to offer a meat option. I am vegetarian and so is my husband, so are a number of family and friends, but it never even occurred to me not to offer a meat option at our wedding. We simply wanted to ensure there were some excellent veggie options...
Many of your guests will be accustomed to having meat at every meain meal, and (wrongly, in my opinion) feel they cannot enjoy a meal without meat. But surely you want everyone to enjoy your wedding meal and have a great day?

diddl · 01/05/2011 11:19

Of course meat eaters can manage a meal without meat.

However, if I was paying & I knew some guests would prefer a meat option, I would want to offer them that.

WannaBeMarryPoppins · 01/05/2011 11:20

Regardless of who is paying, I think a meatless wedding is ok. I do like eating meat but wouldn't expect it to be served by vegetarians. HOnestly, people on this thread saying they don't like meals without meat. So no pasta and tomato sauce? No pizza without meat but with vegetables? No fried rice? No chinese noodles? Nothing? Honestly? I really can't believe that.

Isthreetoomany · 01/05/2011 11:20

what about compromising by offering only a free range/organic meat?

theyoungvisiter · 01/05/2011 11:44

I've been thinking about the moral issue of this while I painted the house!

If you ignore the wedding issue for the moment and imagine it was your birthday, and your FIL was paying for a meal in a restaurant to celebrate - would you say to him "I know you're paying, but it's my birthday and you can only order off the vegetarian menu"?

I suspect not. So it's an interesting ethical question as to why you feel it's ok to do that at a wedding, but not in a restaurant...? Is is because you are choosing the food on behalf of other people so by offering a meat option you feel you are "okaying" their choice to eat meat?

SoupDragon · 01/05/2011 12:58

if you want complete control pay for it yourself. That is your only option.

MarianneM · 01/05/2011 13:12

Couldn't you provide a free-range meat option? My DH and I are both vegetarian but most of our wedding guests were not so we decided to serve free range meat which is an ethical choice.

MarianneM · 01/05/2011 13:13

Also, why did you accept the financial help since you seem to have known your parents are controlling? Didn't you expect that something like this would happen?

Hatesponge · 01/05/2011 13:16

I think YABU to have allowed your FIL to pay for your wedding and then got on your high horses and effectively said it's our wedding, WE decide if there is or isn't meat. Did you make it clear to FIL at the outset there would be no meat? I suspect not, possibly because you thought then he wouldn't cover the cost....

If you wanted to make all the decisions, you should have paid for it yourselves.

FabbyChic · 01/05/2011 13:17

I only eat pizza with meat, I never eat pasta and sauce, I eat fried rice with meat in, I eat chinese noodles with chicken.

I've never eaten a meal without meat, nor have my children.

Original poster
MrsMcgee · 01/05/2011 13:20

Interesting point theyoungvisitor - I hadn't thought of that to be honest.

People have asked what we did when we lived with them - well to be honest dp's mum was at home until a couple of years ago and she is very veggie friendly so used to cook veggie things for him or he would cook, but it was always a separate meal. My mum was actually a vegetarian until she got together with dp's dad so we would just eat the same.

At Xmas we make all the food and they bring their own meat and cook it if they want it.

We knew there would almost certainly be strings attached to the money so tried to find out early on what would be expected of us. We also made it fairly clear that we were planning on having all veg at this time so he had definitely considered it (or at least had the opportunity to) before this arose.

We have a 21mo dd, they are just the same - constantly questioning our parenting decisions. But we can live with that even though it's irritating.
Last year we went on a group family holiday with them and on one occasion they (after dd dropped something on the floor) said "when you have your own house you'll have to keep it tidy"! We said "uhh we do have our own house and it's very tidy!"

I just feel as though he knew we had strong feelings on this issue so left it til now to say anything as he knew it would be awkward for us to back out.

OP posts:
theyoungvisiter · 01/05/2011 13:20

Fabby that is a leetle hard to believe. What - you have meat muesli and meat toast for breakfast?

You've never had beans on toast or salad for lunch? Never eaten a cheese sandwich?

Your diet must be... odd. Grin

Original poster
MrsMcgee · 01/05/2011 13:22

Just to clarify - we made it very clear at the outset we wanted it veggie he did not make it clear that he had an issue with that. That's essentially the issue.

OP posts:
theyoungvisiter · 01/05/2011 13:25

"We also made it fairly clear that we were planning on having all veg at this time"

That's not what you said in your OP - you said "He starts asking if there will be a meat option for the meal. We said we didnt know and were thinking about it.... we were GENUINELY thinking about it."

This suggests to me that he DID raise it, and had you said at the time that you were planning on serving veggie he would have said something.

Why is it his responsibility to be upfront by stating that meat is non-negotiable, but not your responsibility to be upfront by stating that veggie is non-negotiable? If anything you deliberately fudged the issue - and he could be forgiven for not understanding why, when you set out your stall, you gave the impression that meat was a definite possibility, and now that he's made his feelings plain it's suddenly a complete ethical no-no for you. What changed in the interim? From his perspective, only two things have changed,

  1. he made his feelings clear and
  2. he gave you the money.

I'm not implying that this is really why you've changed your tune - but looked at from his perspective it must seem slightly weird, when he went to the trouble of raising it and giving you teh chance to state your feelings right at the very beginning.

SoupDragon · 01/05/2011 13:27

Given that he asked whether the would be a meat option, you obviously didn't
make it as clear as you thought :) I would bet he never thought it would be 100% vegetarian.

theyoungvisiter · 01/05/2011 13:27

Oh sorry I've re-read your OP and realise that he only had this discussion further down the line, not at the outset. Apologies for misunderstanding the timeline.

Swipe left for the next trending thread