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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my parents have been very out of order and why

165 replies

MrsMcgee · 01/05/2011 07:51

First post so please be gentle with me. This actually happened a couple of weeks ago now but having seen the great advice others have had I wondered if you would help me.

So there is the main issue and the history around it - I'll start with the actual issue.
We are getting married in July and all of our parents have offered to contribute a bit which we are very grateful for. My dp's dad offered to pay for the venue so before we booked anything we sat down with him and tried to go through the venue we liked and exactly what it would cost. We were very clear that it was entirely up to him and we could find somewhere cheaper ( we hadn't picked an expensive place though, it's q cheap). He wouldnt look
With us and just said "oh if that's how much it is then I'll just pay".

Because they were contributing our parents all had a say in the guest list and we were quite happy with this - it certainly wasn't grudging.

So a few months later - we have paid deposits and signed contracts etc. Dps dad starts asking how much it is - we repeated the figures again. He starts asking if there will be a meat option for the meal. We said we didnt know and were thinking about it. We are vegetarian and dp is very put off by smell / sight of meat. But we were GENUINELY thinking about it. A large proportion of our friends are veggy also and at the very least happy to have 1 vegetarian meal. The only people who aren't are the people who his dad has invited!

Cue massive argument where he says if we don't have a meat option then he is not paying or coming to the wedding. We were very reasonable at first and tried to discuss why they felt so strongly we should have meat. (I should add that my mum and dp's dad got together last year) we were told we were being childish and needed to come back to reality- and that we should have intellectual arguments in Oxford but not with them as it was irrelevant. (!)

We were quite upset at this Point so went up to bed and decided to leave in the morning (we had been visiting them)

They are very very controlling - never quite come to terms with us moving out. Last year we decided to take in a lodger and they flipped and told us we "couldn't" and shouted at us a lot telling us how stupid we were being as they could move out and leave us high and dry financially. We needed to move and wanted to stay in the same area and couldnt afford not to essentially. They told us we should move out of the area as beggars can't be choosers!

Lots of other on incidents along these lines in the past. So are we being reasonable? A) in not having a meat option at Our wedding and more importantly b) to tell them they are being controlling and their behaviour needs to change. It is our wedding and whilst we are happy to listen to their advice / opinions - the decision lies with us.

OP posts:

fivegomadindorset · 01/05/2011 08:43

Um having a vegetarian option is a preference not a dietyr requirement.

Bluemoonrising · 01/05/2011 08:45

I don't see any issue with not having a meat option, if the veggie options are really really good. I think what you need to cater for are people with religious and moral beliefs and medical issues.

A friend of mine went to a vegan wedding once, and was dreading the buffet (she took ham sandwiches in her back in case she was hungry afterwards). She came back raving about how good it was.

BUT if he is paying for it then IMO you have lost your leverage to have the food you want it to be. Although if your DP is so put off by the small of meat, maybe make it a cold option - chicken or ham salad?

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 01/05/2011 08:45

having meat is also a preference not a dietary requirement.

I still think the only way for the OP and partner to proceed is to pay for it all themselves. Then the parents can't make demands.

sparkle12mar08 · 01/05/2011 08:48

Five's right, vegetarianism is a choice, not a medically required decision. If you want to go down that route you need to give FIL his money back and pay for your own wedding I'm afraid.

diddl · 01/05/2011 08:48

Why did you think that your partners father wouldn´t want meat on offer for guests who want it-regardless of who is paying?

You are vegetarian, but all of your guests aren´t.

If I came to your home & you were cooking, I´d wouldn´t expect meat & it wouldn´t bother me.

For a formal catered event it seems different somehow.

5DollarShake · 01/05/2011 08:52

For goodness sake, give the people a meat option.

Sorry - I know that isn't a very measured, calm or reasonable response, but it is what I think on reading your OP.

DontGoCurly · 01/05/2011 08:53

Yep, if you've let him pay OP, you haven't a leg to stand on unfortunately.

When parents pay for weddings they tend to view it as a party they are throwing with the bride and groom as Guests.....

NinkyNonker · 01/05/2011 08:53

I do think that at weddings (and other events) it is important to remember that you are hosting your guests, in other words being hospitable to them. So, catering for their various needs and comfort falls under that, whatever the mags say it isn't just about you . Especially as they are paying, they too are the hosts.

BertieBasset · 01/05/2011 08:54

To add to the comments above I think you also need to be careful that your DP's dad does not hold you as a hostage to fortune over everything he wants as the planning progresses.

I agree though that if you want to decide what happens on your wedding day and you have interferring parents, you need to pay for it yourself. I appreciate it is probably a bit late in the day for you to do that now though.

Original poster

MrsMcgee · 01/05/2011 08:59

Precisely Bertie - that's kind of the bit I'm annoyed about really. Not the having meat bit but because he left it til now to raise it as an issue. We can't do anything about it now as we have made commitments to venue etc. I think if it was a problem for him then that should be clear from the start - not dropped in later when we HAVE to accept his money IYSWIM.

OP posts:

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 01/05/2011 09:01

Others have said what I was going to say, veggie is a preference too.

I think it's not up to him to have said it IMO.

The fact is you are inviting all these people to be your guests and telling them whether they can eat meat or not, you wouldn't like it the other way round.

Original poster

MrsMcgee · 01/05/2011 09:03

Also - quite happy to talk to them about it and if they had chatted about it and explained their reasoning, fine. We hadn't even made a decision. It was more what they said I.e I won't come if you don't have meat. And that was straight from the off, no argument leading up to it, it wasn't said in heat of the moment.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 01/05/2011 09:04

Perhaps he had just assumed there would be a meat option? I know it wouldn't cross my mind to check!

Bluemoonrising · 01/05/2011 09:05

Can I just add that for some people, veggie is NOT a preference.

For some it is medical, and for others it is based on religious beliefs.

sparkle12mar08 · 01/05/2011 09:09

The question remains OP, what are you going to do about it? Personally, I think you need to suck up the meat/veggie issue for now and concentrate on the longer term. Or can you afford to put more in yourselves, to lessen the impact of his contribution? Or scale down other aspects? Because this isn't going to resolve itself quickly.

And what did you think about the advice/oppinions of posters looking beyond the weding issues? How do you feel about them and the future?

Yukana · 01/05/2011 09:10

I think like Stately has said, meat eaters are perfectly capable of eating a meal with no meat in. Both when I was vegan and when I temporarily changed to vegetarian, the smell of meat made me VERY sick and I could not be in the same room as the smell otherwise I'd have my head by the toilet ready to be sick.

It is your wedding. Your parents should've known that you are vegetarian and shouldn't be surprised at the lack of meat option, as I know how bad it can be when you feel sick at the smell/sight of meat. They should respect this fact and backoff - you have thought about adding a meat meal so it's not like you've brushed it off, and personally I wouldn't want the chance of feeling sick at my wedding.

He is being unreasonable to expect you to listen to exactly what he says if he knew your feelings from the start.

cushionyet · 01/05/2011 09:13

I'm a veggie too and the way I feel is that whilst I'm happy for other people around me to eat meat, I'm not comfortable to directly fund and therefore make a demand for meat to be produced. This is why, when we get invited to BBQs and get asked to bring food along, I would bring lots of veggie options for people to eat, but wouldn't buy meat even if I wouldn't be eating it myself.

But whilst I think it's easy for meat eaters to simply consume the vegetarian option, you will get lots of people getting annoyed about this lack of option,and feeling like they've had your own attitudes 'forced' upon them.

Honestly though, I don't think this is worth the arguing and falling out. If your parents are going to be funding some of the wedding, then consider their money and not yours as having funded the meat, that way, it's not something that you're directly funding or 'condoning' to a larger extent.

If you cannot accept this, then you cannot accept their funding. Whilst in an ideal world their money would be a gift for you to use in your own way towards the wedding, your parents obviously feel that it warrants them a bit of control over how things are run. This must be annoying for you, but is something that you will have to work around.

DontGoCurly · 01/05/2011 09:14

So was it the principle of the argument that you were annoyed about? Or his arguing style or something?

You see I think the remark about 'arguments at Oxford' and 'reality' is kind of telling. He could be finding it hard work if you expect to argue every little thing out as if it was a philosophical debate.

He just wants meat really and probably doesn't really want to dissect the minutia of it all.

Fiddledee · 01/05/2011 09:15

I would pay for the wedding myself full stop. If you can't afford it, cancel it and wait until you can or scale down honeymoon etc... I think its reasonable that you don't want any meat at the wedding as its your wedding but pay for it.

There are always horrendous arguments leading up to the wedding though, being in control of it does help. If you get somebody to pay for the flowers they will want their input etc...

I would stop discussing other aspects of your life with them, do not canvass their opinions. Just don't see so much of them - its quite easy you are grown up now.

takethisonehereforastart · 01/05/2011 09:17

YANBU.

The time to put conditions on what you can do with the money was when he offered to give it to you.

It won't kill him to eat a vegetarian meal for one day, he might even like it, and it's ridiculous to say he won't come to the wedding if he can't have a meat option.

Tell him you will offer one and then get him a MacDonalds Happy Meal from a drive-thru on the way back from the church if he wants to be so childish.

I'd rather pay myself, even if that means scaling things back, than have him behave so badly and I can hear myself shouting "well keep your money and don't bloody come then" at him now .

JustCallMeGrouchy · 01/05/2011 09:24

if he is paying then your going have to decide whats more important

But I have been to a wedding where i knew the bride and groom were both vegetarian and was not worried about the fact there was no meat at dinner or the buffet later .In fact I would have been suprised if there was truth be told .

SmethwickBelle · 01/05/2011 09:26

Part of hosting a big wedding is just that - being a good host and if a proportion of the guests would be likely to prefer a meat and two veg option (especially older generation) then I'd probably accommodate that (but then I am not a vegetarian) even if someone else wasn't sharing the bill.

I do think it sounds like your parents are being a total nightmare in general and so understand why it is stressing you out. Definitely resolve to politely "agree to disagree" with them going forward.

NoelEdmondshair · 01/05/2011 09:26

Oh ffs! Can people not manage ONE meal without meat? Millions of people around the world never eat meat so I'm sure the groom's dad's mates can enjoy a meatless meal without being psychologically scarred for life.

And just because the dad is paying for the venue doesn't give him the right to dictate what is served. Surely this is his gift to his son and new daughter-in-law?

Al0uiseG · 01/05/2011 09:27

The worst mistake you can make at weddings is to get worked up about trivial details, it's a party for everybody, don't you want your guests to be happy and enjoy themselves?

StatelyPoshBeartrothal · 01/05/2011 09:28

"The time to put conditions on what you can do with the money was when he offered to give it to you"
In fairness he probably didn't anticipate this argument when he offered the money

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