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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my parents have been very out of order and why

165 replies

MrsMcgee · 01/05/2011 07:51

First post so please be gentle with me. This actually happened a couple of weeks ago now but having seen the great advice others have had I wondered if you would help me.

So there is the main issue and the history around it - I'll start with the actual issue.
We are getting married in July and all of our parents have offered to contribute a bit which we are very grateful for. My dp's dad offered to pay for the venue so before we booked anything we sat down with him and tried to go through the venue we liked and exactly what it would cost. We were very clear that it was entirely up to him and we could find somewhere cheaper ( we hadn't picked an expensive place though, it's q cheap). He wouldnt look
With us and just said "oh if that's how much it is then I'll just pay".

Because they were contributing our parents all had a say in the guest list and we were quite happy with this - it certainly wasn't grudging.

So a few months later - we have paid deposits and signed contracts etc. Dps dad starts asking how much it is - we repeated the figures again. He starts asking if there will be a meat option for the meal. We said we didnt know and were thinking about it. We are vegetarian and dp is very put off by smell / sight of meat. But we were GENUINELY thinking about it. A large proportion of our friends are veggy also and at the very least happy to have 1 vegetarian meal. The only people who aren't are the people who his dad has invited!

Cue massive argument where he says if we don't have a meat option then he is not paying or coming to the wedding. We were very reasonable at first and tried to discuss why they felt so strongly we should have meat. (I should add that my mum and dp's dad got together last year) we were told we were being childish and needed to come back to reality- and that we should have intellectual arguments in Oxford but not with them as it was irrelevant. (!)

We were quite upset at this Point so went up to bed and decided to leave in the morning (we had been visiting them)

They are very very controlling - never quite come to terms with us moving out. Last year we decided to take in a lodger and they flipped and told us we "couldn't" and shouted at us a lot telling us how stupid we were being as they could move out and leave us high and dry financially. We needed to move and wanted to stay in the same area and couldnt afford not to essentially. They told us we should move out of the area as beggars can't be choosers!

Lots of other on incidents along these lines in the past. So are we being reasonable? A) in not having a meat option at Our wedding and more importantly b) to tell them they are being controlling and their behaviour needs to change. It is our wedding and whilst we are happy to listen to their advice / opinions - the decision lies with us.

OP posts:

blindmelon · 01/05/2011 09:30

I'm a veggie and tbh it never crossed my mind not to have a meat option at our wedding. We had 2 options, meat or veggie, I just made sure I had taste tested the veggie option and it was a good one! If you accept their money you have to accept their input. They are probably worried about losing face among their friends.

I sympathise as it always amazes me how much DH's family seem to feel they have the right to judge and comment on what we do, my family are the complete opposite. It gets worse once you have kids! My response is to smile politely and then ignore them

blindmelon · 01/05/2011 09:30

jollytummywobbles · 01/05/2011 09:30

I don't eat veg, so if I was served a vegetarian meal at a wedding, I'd go v hungry (and have in the past at weddings- not fun at all...)

StatelyPoshBeartrothal · 01/05/2011 09:32

Youdon't eat anything that isn't meat?
No potatoes, pastry, rice, pasta...

PassTheTwiglets · 01/05/2011 09:33

Urgh, I feel for you, I think FIL is being ridiculous. I bet he didn't really mean what he said about not coming but it is incredibly offensive that he is ostensibly placing more importance on eating flesh at one meal than he is on attending his son's wedding!!

I also don't think you should feel obliged to include a meat option. I'm not a veggie but if I were then I don't think I would have a meat option, for the reasons that others have said. I really don't think you can equate this with having a veggie option. Being vegetarian means that you object to eating meat so you should be catered for - but being a meat-eater does not mean that you object to eating vegetables!! Meat-eaters do not need another option as they are perfectly capable of eating vegetarian options.

So I don't think YABU in any respect - but as for what you actually do about it all... well, sorry, haven't got a clue what to suggest there!!

Boobz · 01/05/2011 09:35

I think it's really sad that your father would miss his daughter's wedding day because he couldn't eat meat for a day.

Having said that, I think it's odd not to offer a meat option at a wedding, irrespective of your beliefs.

I would be the bigger person here, and offer a meat option, so that he comes to the wedding and doesn't miss seeing his daughter getting married. There are times for principles, but is this really one of them? And is it that big a deal? You could stick to your guns but then what would you really achieve? I think some common sense has to come into play here: serve a meat option, make sure your DH isn't sat anywhere near someone eating it, have your father walk you up the aisle and have a lovely day.

theyoungvisiter · 01/05/2011 09:35

Well basically you gave him the impression he had a say over stuff didn't you - when you sat down with him and talked through all your options and asked for his input?

And now after accepting the money, you're saying he only has a say over certain aspects, that compromise on other aspects is non-negotiable. Which is exactly what you're accusing him of.

I think you're being v unreasonable unfortunately, if you accept parents' money to pay for a wedding then you have to accept the compromises that come with that. Your choices are come to a compromise (mainly veggie menu and some sort of meat add-on like plated cold meats?), or hand back the cash and have a cheaper wedding at your own expense.

If you already felt they were "very, very controlling" then why on earth did you allow them to pay for your wedding?

(As an aside, so your mum is in a relationship with your partner's dad?! Is that weird? Do you think that is part of what makes you feel "ganged up on"?)

PassTheTwiglets · 01/05/2011 09:38

jollytummywobbles - that's different! You may not like vegetables (what, seriously, all of them?!) but that's just your a personal taste. You can't be expected to be catered espeically for just because you don't like the taste of something. That's different to objecting to eating vegetables on moral or religious grounds. Besides, p[ersonal taste has nothing to do with veggie or meat - for example, I'm a meat-eater but I don't like pork yet if pork was served at a wedding I wouldn't be cross that my personal tastes weren't catered for, I'd just think "oh what a shame I don't like that - never mind".

FakePlasticTrees · 01/05/2011 09:38

Can you compromise? Does your DP have less issue with seeing/smelling chicken or fish to red meat? Chicken would be a good compromise and relatively cheap.

Agree you should have realised that controlling people offer money with strings attached, but that's too late now. You need to just get through the wedding planning, try not to involve them unless you have to. Smile, put a note in with the invites saying it'll be veggie unless otherwise specified in the RSVP, draw a line under this.

Going forward, you don't accept big gifts or money from your FIL (no help buying house, no significant or important baby related purchases) and stop involving then in decisions, inform them after you and your then DH have done something and work on a 'need to know' basis for your finances - so with the lodger situation, you should have told them after the event you had rented a room, but not that you required the money to keep living in that area.

I hope your parents are being a bit more relaxed!

BendyBob · 01/05/2011 09:39

I would def supply a non veggy choice.

I might have misunderstood, but did you say you used to live with them? How did the difference in food preferences work out under the same roof?

expatinscotland · 01/05/2011 09:41

YABU. You want to call the shots, you pay for it yourself.

I'd never host a large party and assume all my guests will eat the way I chose or sod them. That's rude.

Original poster

MrsMcgee · 01/05/2011 09:43

Thanks so much for your responses everyone. Nice to have a few different opinions other than my own!

In response to the "arguments at Oxford" bit - I do think it's reasonable to ask him to justify WHY he would like us to make this decision. I think that's pretty normal and not specific to us because we live in Oxford.

The wedding is in 2 months - we just cannot cancel or change it really now, it wouldnt cost us any less if we did!

Yes it was pretty much the way he went about it - like a parent disciplining a child rather than a discussion. It was quite manipulative i.e not coming etc and also was a bit mean / condescending at times.

Looking to the future, I just have no idea what to do. I was hoping someone would help! He has offered future financial help in the past and I dont think it's sensible to accept that! But I don't know how to tackle the wider relationship issues. Any advice?

OP posts:

blindmelon · 01/05/2011 09:46

Just been thinking about this some more, could you compromise and agree to a fish option? Something ethically sourced?

I think the best way forward is to find a way to smooth things over for the wedding then learn from this and never accept financial help from them again.

blindmelon · 01/05/2011 09:46

Just been thinking about this some more, could you compromise and agree to a fish option? Something ethically sourced?

I think the best way forward is to find a way to smooth things over for the wedding then learn from this and never accept financial help from them again.

theyoungvisiter · 01/05/2011 09:50

Well it sounds like he is treating you like children because, in his head, you haven't really moved on from being kids. If you're still sheltering your children under your roof (at least until recently) and paying their bills, then I imagine it does feel much like having large teenagers.

You need to assert your independence by BEING independent. Paying your own way, making your own decisions, and if he doesn't like them, saying calmly "well sorry but we're adults now and we'll deal with the consequences ourselves".

mickeyjohn · 01/05/2011 09:51

just do the meat. He prob didn't even THINK about mentioning it earlier - many meat eaters (esp of an older generation, and dare I say it, often the male ones!) just don't GET vegetarians, even in this day and age! I know my parents don't!! So just do it, it's only one meal, it's easier to keep the peace. It's your WEDDING DAY which should be fabulous and fun and wonderful, and falling out over a bit of meat seems a bit OTT.

theyoungvisiter · 01/05/2011 09:53

BTW I do realise that financial independence on the wedding front is too late now - but moving forward, it sounds like this is the way to deal with potential problems in the future.

I highly doubt that just "telling them they are being controlling and their behaviour needs to change" is going to do anything other than royally piss him off.

TheSkiingGardener · 01/05/2011 09:54

So the problem is the controlling bit. The meat/veggie thing is just another outburst of treating you like children.

The only way to tackle it is to be adult in all your actions and responses. If he talks to you like a child then you can either just respond in an adult way or directly challenge him "Please don't talk to me as though I am 12, I am an adult and capable of making my own decisions"

It takes a while and he will throw his toys out the pram on the way though...

fivegomadindorset · 01/05/2011 09:55

I don't get why meat eaters are happy to do a veggie option and indeed have to but it causes all sorts of fuss when it is the other way round.

StatelyPoshBeartrothal · 01/05/2011 09:57

Because vegetarians don't eat meat
There are few meat eaters who don't eat any non-meat
(I'd go so far as to say none but apparently there is one on this thread )

Oh and it's not just meat OR vegetables
There are pulses, grains, fruit

Collision · 01/05/2011 10:00

I would offer meat as well.

What does your DP say about this?

And we might need another thread about your DPs dad getting together with your Mum!!!!!!!!!!!

How weird is that!

What does your Mum say about the wedding debacle?

Original poster

MrsMcgee · 01/05/2011 10:06

Mmm yes the dating each other bit is very very weird. We didnt like it but they're adults! They back each other up. Mum has said she's not contributing either. She was also the one who was q aggressive when we were trying to talk about it.
Haven't lived with them in years.

OP posts:

SweetGrapes · 01/05/2011 10:16

Provide the meat option. Smile politely and keep all financial/important transactions away from them in future.

Re veggies not like to provide meat... think if you were in a place where dog, cat and horse was standard and you were the 'freak' who only had chicken. Would you be happy providing it at your table? It's something similar.

HeadfirstForHalos · 01/05/2011 10:26

We had all vegetarian food at our wedding. There were a few disgruntled disaprovals beforehand from family members, but these same people went out of their way to tell us how fab the food was on the day! At the buffet in the evening, they were going back for 3rds!

The thing about veggie food is that it isn't just for vegetarians- anyone can eat it! (except for vegans of course-we made sure there were quite a few vegan dishes for the handful that were coming)

We didn't serve any meat "replacement" foods(like quorn etc) as a lot of meat eaters don't like them, just decent, tasty food that happened to have no meat in.

My partner and I are vegetarian as we believe no animal shouldhave to die so that we can live (not preaching, that's just us), and the thought of celebrating our marriage by serving lots of meat didn't even cross our minds.

I agree that not serving a meat option is TOTALLY different to not serving a veggie option (I have been a to a few weddings with no veggie option too and NEVER complained- just had the veg!), meat free food is suitable for all.

Op try and talk to your parents again, if they won't listen you will just have to pay for it yourself, even if that means changing some plans .

Anyway, as I always say for any moan about a couples wedding-it's their day and should organise it how they see fit.

The meat eaters can have a full english on the wedding morning if necessary so they don't "waste away" during the day

expatinscotland · 01/05/2011 10:27

If you want to be independent and treated like an adult and do things your way, then it goes to follow that you don't take money from your parents.

Otherwise, I agree with Chil. He who pays the piper calls the tune.

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