To think my parents have been very out of order and why

[MrsMcgee]

First post so please be gentle with me. This actually happened a couple of weeks ago now but having seen the great advice others have had I wondered if you would help me.

So there is the main issue and the history around it - I'll start with the actual issue.
We are getting married in July and all of our parents have offered to contribute a bit which we are very grateful for. My dp's dad offered to pay for the venue so before we booked anything we sat down with him and tried to go through the venue we liked and exactly what it would cost. We were very clear that it was entirely up to him and we could find somewhere cheaper ( we hadn't picked an expensive place though, it's q cheap). He wouldnt look
With us and just said "oh if that's how much it is then I'll just pay".

Because they were contributing our parents all had a say in the guest list and we were quite happy with this - it certainly wasn't grudging.

So a few months later - we have paid deposits and signed contracts etc. Dps dad starts asking how much it is - we repeated the figures again. He starts asking if there will be a meat option for the meal. We said we didnt know and were thinking about it. We are vegetarian and dp is very put off by smell / sight of meat. But we were GENUINELY thinking about it. A large proportion of our friends are veggy also and at the very least happy to have 1 vegetarian meal. The only people who aren't are the people who his dad has invited!

Cue massive argument where he says if we don't have a meat option then he is not paying or coming to the wedding. We were very reasonable at first and tried to discuss why they felt so strongly we should have meat. (I should add that my mum and dp's dad got together last year) we were told we were being childish and needed to come back to reality- and that we should have intellectual arguments in Oxford but not with them as it was irrelevant. (!)

We were quite upset at this Point so went up to bed and decided to leave in the morning (we had been visiting them)

They are very very controlling - never quite come to terms with us moving out. Last year we decided to take in a lodger and they flipped and told us we "couldn't" and shouted at us a lot telling us how stupid we were being as they could move out and leave us high and dry financially. We needed to move and wanted to stay in the same area and couldnt afford not to essentially. They told us we should move out of the area as beggars can't be choosers!

Lots of other on incidents along these lines in the past. So are we being reasonable? A) in not having a meat option at Our wedding and more importantly b) to tell them they are being controlling and their behaviour needs to change. It is our wedding and whilst we are happy to listen to their advice / opinions - the decision lies with us.

You're right most people don't need to eat meat at every meal, but most people in particular people of her parents generation would expect a meat option at a wedding and would probably be horrified that there was only vegetarian food available and wouldn't like it. I think a host should try and make sure that there is food to everyone's taste ( barring ridiculous tastes although meat is definitely not that) and particularly if the person who is paying for it isn't keen on veggie food.

Your guests should enjoy themselves and enjoying the meal is a big part of that.

Those of you saying it's wrong to impose your beliefs on the guests... Does that include inviting people to a church wedding when they may not have the same belief as you? Or should we all have non demonimational weddings so as not to offend those of otehr beliefs? Or will that offend those who do believe!? It's your wedding you do as you choose. If people don't want to come (because they don't want to go to church, or think it should be in a church, or because they can't go without meat for one meal) then that is up to them!

Utterly rediculous comment to say it's imposing your beliefs on the guests. The guests don't have to eat the vegi food, just as they don't have to say amen or join in the prayers.

Oh my god what is all this self-entitlement with regards eating meat? Some people have ethical objections to serving meat- it is a strain on the earth's resources. Everyone eat what the hell they want but please why do you EXPECT to be served animal flesh? It is only food for fuck's sake. So is a cheese sandwich.

And fwiw, why do you have to let parents decide how your wedding day is going to happen just because they want to contribute? If you ASK that's another matter, but really, do monetary gifts always come with strings attached? Really?

Well said Gillybean!

It's not FORCING your beliefs, it is just pertaining to them. I loathe the meat industry, why would I support it because I was getting married?

As I said before, pay for it yourself then they can't say shit- if you need to make cutbacks, start with the people your parents wanted invited.

I wantadog, I agree, monetary gifts should not come with strings. My pils offered to make a donation toward our first home, we gratefully accepted (thinking how lovely!), nopt realising it meant mil was choosing our home!!!! (despite the fact we were chucking a load of our own money into it plus signing up for a mortgage!

We refused it in the end, but it was an awful time, poor fil was disgusted with her, everyone was uncomfortable.

you are being manipulated.

despite all attempts not to be.

can't see how you salvage this but learn from it.

think you need to take a step back from them in future.

Aside from the fact that it's very unreasonable for the parents to suddenly say they don't want to pay, I think YANBU to serve only veggie food - there are very few people who would be genuinely distressed to eat just one meal with no meat in it (and really they should get a grip!). Might be out of some people's comfort zone but if you have ethical reasons for not eating meat I can see you wouldn't want to host an event full of people eating meat. And no I'm not vegetarian, but if I went to a wedding where the couple were veggie I wouldn't be surprised if all the food was veggie. If I didn't like the meal that's a pity, but the same can happen with any wedding meal, I might not like the meat either.

I am vegetarian and had a vegetarian wedding. On the invitation it said it was vegetarian but we did offer a meat option for those with the dietry requirement. Out of a 110 people three people asked for the meat option...and it wasn't the older generation either. Not all old people are totally set in their ways! Anyway I would rather have had a totally vegetarian wedding but there were a couple of people who I think had issues about a meal that was vegetarian and I wanted them to be happy as well.

I understand that you are being put in a position that you don't like but I think at this point you should relax take a deep breath and see what you can salvage. I suggest you do what we did. Veggie is assumed unless people inform you otherwise. I also suggest that if your parents want the meat option you sit them on another table from yourselves with the people they have invited and tell them why. Seat yourselves with people who will allow you to have a relaxed and nice day.

It's the start of the rest of your lives and you need to just try and enjoy it as much as you can. Although your parents are being twats don't allow then to ruin the whole experience. Just nod and smile and say there will be a meat alternative for those that want it.

Your other alternative is to cancel that venue and pay the cancelation cost and create the wedding you want at the price you can afford. Which I have to say can be just as lovely.

Those are your choices.

I would just say that what is really important is that you get married and live the rest of your lives the way you want. So a registry office wedding and a party afterwards could be great. If you are going to take your parents money then they have you over a barrel somewhat.

Despite DH and I being meat eaters, we had both vegetarian and vegan options at our wedding reception. If you pay for your own reception then serve what you want but if you expect your future father in law to pay then at least let him have some say in what he gets to eat.

I don't think you need to supply meat no. It's not going to kill anyone to go without meat for ONE meal. Ridiculous!

Just a point; you mention that at christmas they bring their own meat and cook it if they want to. Surely if your DH-to-be can cope with that for christmas he can cope for this day too?

His father is contributing and has seemingly made few other requests (about the wedding at least) so surely its not worth a huge falling out on a principle.

Thanks everyone, there's some really good advice here.

To be honest, I was also of the impression that money shouldn't really come with so many strings attached. Originally I thought guest list - fine, but it's all getting a bit much now. A lot of People are saying that because he's paying he should have some control - I think that is his view point too, but that makes me question whether he is giving us it for the right reasons? I.e so we can have a lovely day. (not saying this ruins it but more that if he was just giving to make us happy then he wouldnt care IYSWIM)

But I think most of you are right - we need to see this as a difference of opinion and take a step back. I think my worry is that if we say "oh fine" and give in then he will continue (or attempt to at least) walk all over us. And therefore by saying no we can deal with the wider issues here?

Oh i just don't know!

I think you are right OP in that it shouldn't have strings attached and that he should just be happy for you to have the day you want and respect that you wish to plan it your way. I can understand that he might be upset if you were doing something really outlandish with the money and he thought you were wasting it, but you have consulted him on the location and he is fine with it. You have been ok with them having say over the guest list as well which a lot of people wouldn't be ok with. I think you have been quite laid back (compared to some) about this and I don't think wanting to have a vegetarian meal is that big a deal.

It sounds like he might be worried about HIS friends at your wedding looking down on the lack of meat, but he needs to remember that this is YOUR day and not an opportunity for him to show off to his friends.

I also think that you are right to be concerned about him being controlling. Unfortuneately his paying for some of the wedding gives him that opportunity. I think I would stick to my guns about it and say that you will pay yourself if he doesn't like the way you are planning YOUR wedding.

A more sensible suggestion than my quorn one.

Can you offer to take them for a vegetarian meal at the venue so he can see it won't be all limp lettice and lentils?

If he enjoys it he may realise he's being too controlling about the meat option.

If it helps, this sort of thing happens a lot. The run up to my wedding included an argument about a feather, a pate verses melon debate, a present opening scandal and a lot of on the day bitching from my mil. Plus the usual arguments about seating etc. And I was a very relaxed bride, it was other people's demands and issues that made it hard work. I just wanted people to have fun.

Weddings tend to bring out the worst in people.