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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my parents have been very out of order and why

165 replies

MrsMcgee · 01/05/2011 07:51

First post so please be gentle with me. This actually happened a couple of weeks ago now but having seen the great advice others have had I wondered if you would help me.

So there is the main issue and the history around it - I'll start with the actual issue.
We are getting married in July and all of our parents have offered to contribute a bit which we are very grateful for. My dp's dad offered to pay for the venue so before we booked anything we sat down with him and tried to go through the venue we liked and exactly what it would cost. We were very clear that it was entirely up to him and we could find somewhere cheaper ( we hadn't picked an expensive place though, it's q cheap). He wouldnt look
With us and just said "oh if that's how much it is then I'll just pay".

Because they were contributing our parents all had a say in the guest list and we were quite happy with this - it certainly wasn't grudging.

So a few months later - we have paid deposits and signed contracts etc. Dps dad starts asking how much it is - we repeated the figures again. He starts asking if there will be a meat option for the meal. We said we didnt know and were thinking about it. We are vegetarian and dp is very put off by smell / sight of meat. But we were GENUINELY thinking about it. A large proportion of our friends are veggy also and at the very least happy to have 1 vegetarian meal. The only people who aren't are the people who his dad has invited!

Cue massive argument where he says if we don't have a meat option then he is not paying or coming to the wedding. We were very reasonable at first and tried to discuss why they felt so strongly we should have meat. (I should add that my mum and dp's dad got together last year) we were told we were being childish and needed to come back to reality- and that we should have intellectual arguments in Oxford but not with them as it was irrelevant. (!)

We were quite upset at this Point so went up to bed and decided to leave in the morning (we had been visiting them)

They are very very controlling - never quite come to terms with us moving out. Last year we decided to take in a lodger and they flipped and told us we "couldn't" and shouted at us a lot telling us how stupid we were being as they could move out and leave us high and dry financially. We needed to move and wanted to stay in the same area and couldnt afford not to essentially. They told us we should move out of the area as beggars can't be choosers!

Lots of other on incidents along these lines in the past. So are we being reasonable? A) in not having a meat option at Our wedding and more importantly b) to tell them they are being controlling and their behaviour needs to change. It is our wedding and whilst we are happy to listen to their advice / opinions - the decision lies with us.

OP posts:

HeadfirstForHalos · 01/05/2011 10:30

Fivegomad - it's because most people eat eat meat because it's tasty- most veggies don't because it goes against strong beliefs! Though some people are vegetarian due to health benefits.

Journey · 01/05/2011 10:30

I'd have a meat option. Why do you think meat eaters provide a vegetarian option? To accommodate the vegetarian guests of course. Why can't you do the same out of courtesy?

PlanetEarth · 01/05/2011 10:32

We had a veggie wedding, no meat in sight. We didn't want dead animals at our wedding! It was a buffet though so there was plenty of choice. Are there really people who couldn't find something to eat at an extensive veggie buffet? My mum said, "What about Uncle X, what will he eat?" I said, "He can bring a ham sandwich." (Uncle X didn't come anyway.)

Eventually I said, if we were teetotallers, would you expect us to provide alcohol? As my mum comes from a northern Methodist background this got the point across much better. I love a glass of wine but would certainly not expect teetotallers to feel they had to give me wine.

Incidentally, my mum declined to pay for any of the wedding (not that I expected it), partly due to the veggie issue, and partly because we had strangely decided to have the wedding where we live, not hundreds of miles away where she lives!

exoticfruits · 01/05/2011 10:33

Someone who has a particular diet for any reason whatsoever can still be a good host and offer things they wouldn't eat themselves. No one is asking OP to kill it, cut it up or even cook it!

BendyBob · 01/05/2011 10:33

But how did you get on about food when you all lived together??

HeadfirstForHalos · 01/05/2011 10:33

Do meat eaters really eat no food without meat? Do you all walk around gnawing on lumps of flesh 24/7? Really? You all NEVER eat a meal without meat to the point where you wouldn't survive a meat free wedding meal?

There should be a meatmunchers anonymous

HeadfirstForHalos · 01/05/2011 10:37

exoticfruits- if we had served meat at our wedding, even if someone else had paid, our marriage would still have been responsible for several dead animals! If people want to have meat dishes at their wedding I would not have a dickybird to say about it, but for us personally (and the op) no way!

expatinscotland · 01/05/2011 10:49

'but for us personally (and the op) no way!'

Then pay for it yourselves.

exoticfruits · 01/05/2011 10:49

Perhaps you could give the peple the option to bring their 'dead animals' with them!!
If vegetarians come to my house I cater for them(despite not agreeing with them)-it beats me why vegetarians can't do the same.
Maybe I should say-'tough-my house my rules!!'

PassTheTwiglets · 01/05/2011 10:50

I really don't get this. Why is it so hard to understand that the OP & her DP have principles that they feel strongly about? It's not a case of them saying "sod you, we're not providing anything for you" to the meat-eaters - a vegetarian diet is suitable for virtually everyone, ffs. Am I the only meat-eater who gets this?! It's ridiculous to think that the OP is being rude to her guests!

Onetoomanycornettos · 01/05/2011 10:50

I would go with your principles, I wouldn't serve meat if you don't want at your wedding, your wedding should be (as people on MN are usually tireless in reminding you) just the way you want it, children/no children, meat/no meat, alcohol/no alcohol. But you would have to then pay for this yourself, but that actually sounds like a better option than being beholden to someone trying to control you and having strops til you do what they say. I would personally choose a nice small venue, drop his friends and not go for the big one paid for my family, that's what we did and that way you get to have the wedding you want, instead of the wedding they paid for and chose.

I am amazed people expect meat at a wedding, I eat meat but would never expect it, especially if I knew the bride and groom were firmly vegetarian. It's not a restaurant, it's your special day, if you were vegetarian for religious reasons no one would say anything, and I see this as the same.

PassTheTwiglets · 01/05/2011 10:51

"If vegetarians come to my house I cater for them(despite not agreeing with them)-it beats me why vegetarians can't do the same."

Because you do not have a moral or religious objection to cooking and eating vegetables. You do not have to give up any principles in order to serve vegetarian meals, unlike the other way around.

Onetoomanycornettos · 01/05/2011 10:51

The idea that meat-eaters can't go without meat for one day and would have to bring their own meat is just laughable.

diddl · 01/05/2011 10:52

It´s not a question of meat eaters needing or not to eat meat, really.

Vegetarians expect to be catered for at a wedding, so why shouldn´t meat eaters?

If OP is so against meat, then simple, don´t have any.

I eat meat but if I went to a wedding & there wasn´t any it wouldn´t ruin the day.

Onetoomanycornettos · 01/05/2011 10:53

But then, we don't care what others think, we didn't serve alcohol at a family do as a close family member had just died of alcoholism and it was a daytime event. My MIL was horrified and secretly paid to serve alcohol, which I found just unbelievable. But judging by this, people do feel they have a right to have alcohol or meat provided wherever they go.

exoticfruits · 01/05/2011 10:53

I would say that I would be quite happy to just have a veggie wedding and I think that it is fine if OP is paying-no problem at all- BUT the person paying wants a meat choice. Fair enough IMO. Simple answer is tell him you will pay and you will have your choice. It seems extremely rude to say 'well you can pay, but you can't have any say in what you are paying for'!

exoticfruits · 01/05/2011 10:54

A good host caters for all guests.

PassTheTwiglets · 01/05/2011 10:56

"Vegetarians expect to be catered for at a wedding, so why shouldn´t meat eaters?"

They are being catered for - they are being give a delicious meal which just doesn't happen to have meat in!

To those people objecting to no meat option - what about when you have breakfast in the morning? Do you refuse to eat cereal because it doesn't have any meat in? Would you never eat a cheese and tomato pizza because it doesn't have meat on it?

HeadfirstForHalos · 01/05/2011 10:57

If people felt the need to bring meat with them, I would seriously wonder about them

We did pay for the food ouselves at our wedding, and I agree if the only way is to pay themselves even if that means changing plans, then so should the OP.

I'm just mildy amused at the horror of some meat eaters on here at the prospect of a meat free meal!

wotnochocs · 01/05/2011 10:57

I think it would be inconsiderate to your guests not to provide a meat option too.

expatinscotland · 01/05/2011 11:00

I wouldn't eat a cheese and tom pizza because I'm lactose intolerant. I can't eat most cheese which is just as well because the taste of it honestly makes me puke.

lipslave · 01/05/2011 11:01

I can't see why you have to have a meat option, and really don't agree that it is the same thing as having a veggie option if you were meat eaters. I'm willing to bet that even the most committed meat eaters occasionally have a meet-free meal, even if it is just a cheese sandwich. It's not going to kill them FGS.

However if he is paying for the catering, I don't really think you've got a lot of choice.

BendyBob · 01/05/2011 11:01

You are all family and have lived together. This cannot be the first time this argument has cropped up surely. What happens at Christmas etc?

HeadfirstForHalos · 01/05/2011 11:01

In the same way you wouldn't go to a Jewish wedding and expect a pork option, or to a Muslim wedding and expect non halal food, a meat option should not be expected at a vegetarian couples wedding. Not eating meat is a huge part of my personal beliefs.

theyoungvisiter · 01/05/2011 11:01

"I really don't get this. Why is it so hard to understand that the OP & her DP have principles that they feel strongly about?"

I don't think anyone is saying that - what they're saying is that if you take someone's money then you accept that they have views/principles too.

FWIW I have been to several veggie weddings and in fact my own wedding was 90% veggie because it was easier (we are not veggie but many of our friends are). I have absolutely no problem with vegetarians sticking to their guns. I do however think it is a little unreasonable to get your inlaws to pay for your wedding food and then ignore their wishes about what they want to serve.

The OP has said "It is our wedding and whilst we are happy to listen to their advice / opinions - the decision lies with us" - unfortunately her inlaws could say with equal justice "It's our money and if they didn't want to listen to our views they should have paid for their own wedding"

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