Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at SIL naming her baby daughter almost the exact same name as my DD?

460 replies

RubyGrace17 · 23/04/2011 19:32

Hi everyone,

I've posted a few times on various topics but this is my first AIBU :) I can't decide who is being unreasonable here, hopefully you can help me decide!

I have three daughters- aged 5, 3 and 4 months. My SIL (DH's Brother's Wife) had her second daughter on Tuesday evening and we are all absolutely delighted for them. However, last night BIL txt DH (and other members of family) to announce baby's name as they hadn't been able to decide up until now. She is named Isabelle Eva- lovely name. The issue is that my DD3 is named Isabella Eve and goes by Bella. Initially I was shocked that she would choose such a similar name, however, I did think she would choose a different variation for a nickname- my own DD is Bella. We went over to visit tonight along with PILs and no, they are calling her Bella too.
I can't decide if I am being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed- MIL is infuriated and wanted to "confront" SIL about "copying" and is none too happy at "having 2 GDs with the "same" name" (her words, not mine). I convinced her that wasn't necessary and insisted that she would no doubt choose a different nickname so it wouldn't be an issue. I could understand if it were a family name and she too wanted to honour a family member but neither of these names are.
I am not extremely close to SIL, however, we do get together as an extended family once a week or so and I often look after her little one as she is the same age as my DD2 and we all adore her so the girls do all spend time together. She has never really expressed to me that she particularly likes Bella as a name, nor has she expressed dislike. I know I do not "own" a name but it just strikes me as being quite unreasonable? I don't know- perhaps I'm just hormonal and being silly.
Look forward to your opinions!

Sorry- very long post!

Ruby

OP posts:
EmLH · 23/04/2011 21:34

I would be soooo cross on my daughter's behalf! How ridiculous for them to call her that and then not even mention anything to you to try and justify their decision. I can't understand how they'd have the gall to use that name, I wouldn't dream of it! Imagine when they're round their nan's and she calls Bella and they don't know which one she means. Or when you're talking about a day out with the girls and have to keep saying 'our bella/bella1' etc. It's so out of order and you should definitely pluck up the courage to say something, even if you feel you have to word it nicely. I know you sometimes feel you have to be polite with extended family but I seriously think this is a situation where that doesn't apply. If they lived the other side of the country I'd still be annoyed but probably let them get on with it. Given how often you and the rest of the family see them though, it's really not on. I truly hope the see sense before registering!

Woodlands · 23/04/2011 21:34

Just to say this happened in my DH's family - his younger brother was born and was called X Y, with Y being a family maiden name, and then 4 months later their mum's brother and his wife had a little boy and called him X Y. They are a very small family and the boys have always been very close (grown up now of course!) and I don't think it's ever really been a problem. They do have different surnames and grew up 50 miles or so apart. I think the issue was that the aunt and uncle had been trying for a baby for many years and that was the name they had picked from way back, and PILs just happened to choose the same name first by chance.

Just thought I would add a perspective that it doesn't necessarily have to be a big problem. But I agree it is odd.

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 23/04/2011 21:37

To the poster who suggested calling the baby Babybel I now have the tune to the advert bugging me [buhmm]

OP YANBU maybe you should call her Ba ba [buwink][bugrin]

freesias · 23/04/2011 21:39

yadnbu i would be livid . although it says more about her than you . talk about a lack of imagination .of all the 1000s of names available she has to pick the same 2 .

it's really weird most people agonise over having a name that's unique to their child , surely the whole point of naming a child . in years to come family researchers are going to be searching through records and be very confused.

we ditched a name we both loved because we have a dn with the same name even though we llive 600 miles away rarely see her and there is a 23 year gap between our dd and our dn , she was also about to marry so would have had different surnames but to use it would have felt not as if we were stealing a name but that we lacked imagination .

you really need to push your dh to say something and as your mil is ready to let rip i'd definitely let

start calling her second bella or cheese as she's baby bel.

fwiw imitation is the sincerest form of flattery not that really helps.

EmLH · 23/04/2011 21:39

P.s. I absolutely wouldn't change your daughter's nickname. Agree with other posts suggesting that you say to your sil that you'll be calling her daughter Izzy. First come first served IMO!!

moomaa · 23/04/2011 21:39

You need to address this with them or you will seethe your whole life and what will you say to your DD3 when she asks why it happened?

It is unacceptable, everyone at school will paint the pair of them as weird if they end up in the same class.

moomaa · 23/04/2011 21:44

When we named DD3 my sister said that she was glad her middle name was not her first name as that was the name that her DH really wanted as a first name if they have a daughter and they would have gone ahead and used it even if there was a cousin with that name.

That made me quite cross, as I wouldn't want cousins with the same name and would have just picked a different name for DD3 if she had made me aware that they felt that way about a name.

MerylStrop · 23/04/2011 21:45

She's mad
You are not unreasonable
Your DH needs to ring up his brother and tell him to sort it out

Lottiegal · 23/04/2011 21:55

YANBU, there is an un written rule about not using the same name as someone close in the family or a close friend, it's just wierd

LittleWhiteWolf · 23/04/2011 22:00

That is actually quite weird...YANBU

FrameyMcFrame · 23/04/2011 22:00

I agree yanbu at all!

Please come back and update us if you do ask her or BIL about it, I'd be really interested to hear her response!

ashamedandconfused · 23/04/2011 22:01

The only way this could be any odder is if their DC was in fact a BOY and they still went with almost identical names to your DD!!

Do they have NO imagination? Have they not thought about teasing at school - most parents avoid embarrasing rhyming names or initials spelling a rude word etc, have they not thought what a ragging their DD will get for "copying" her cousin, being called twins/clones, teased for having parents who could not even be bothered to think of their own name! What about when they are teens sitting GCSEs together? Could lead to mistakes being made.

Even if they had always wanted those names (what are the odds of that??), they would have/should have told you when you had your DD, so you had the chance to discuss/get used to the idea/compromise on nicknames - when we discovered we were expecting a baby days after SIL we wrote to them with our preferred names, saying we though they might like to know so that PILs did not end up with 2 X's born on the same day! We have an AB and a BA on the other side of the family, but different surnames and not in same locality.

Your MIL is in a ridiculous position with 2 DGD same age same name - if she really cannot broach the matter with them, then all you can do is insist on everyone else calling their DD by her fullname not nickname. And as soon as DD is old enough teach her to say I had the name first and they copied me.

I actually think they are being cruel to their DD and if this is to spite You, its just so wrong!

Woodlands · 23/04/2011 22:07

ooh I feel a bit bad now, we gave our DS the same name as DH's cousin (XY's younger brother). He is 20 years older though. And there aren't as many good boys' names as girls' names.

Portoeufino · 23/04/2011 22:10

YANBU.... but have good taste in names as I have an Isabella/Bella too. Wink

RitaMorgan · 23/04/2011 22:13

That is just weird!

I have a big family and some names are repeated - e.g my dad and my cousin are both called Jack, an aunt and another cousin are both called Jill - but to call two children of the same generation the same name is so odd!

Fair enough, Isabelle/a and Eve/a are two of the most popular names at the moment but you'd at least name her Isobel and call her Issy or something.

TransatlanticCityGirl · 23/04/2011 22:16

Hard luck. YABU. You do not own the name. Several of my own family members have chosen names I liked, and luckily I grew out of them, because I'm not choosing an alternative name just because they got knocked up before me.

Maybe they didn't express Bella as a fave, that doesn't mean they don't adore the name. Maybe they took so long to decide because they tried to find something else.

If I were your SIL I would make zero apologies for it.

WentworthMillerMad · 23/04/2011 22:21

Stalker! YANBU

RitaMorgan · 23/04/2011 22:23

Transatlantic - so you would give your child the same first, middle and surname as a cousin who they see weekly and would be in the same class at school, and don't think that's unfair to either child?

Newgolddream · 23/04/2011 22:29

Transatlantic - OP has already said she knows she doesnt own the name. Of all the names in the world it would be a hell of a coincidence if this was the "only" name SIL liked. Hmm

GapsAGoodUn · 23/04/2011 22:32

Erm has no one else mentioned the potential problems with administration later on in life? With such a small age gap and (almost) identical names it's going to be awfully easy for people like school admissions, the Inland Revenue, National Insurance, etc etc to get confused and mix them up.

Let alone years from now trying to trace family trees. [bugrin]

Perhaps this first argument could be your way in to talk to your SIL.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but then I too have a mad bizarro an alternative SIL. Who gave her ds the same nickname as mine although their names are completely different. [rolls eyes emoticon]

boosmummie · 23/04/2011 22:33

YADNBU. And don't change your Bella's nickname. I've got and Isabella/Bella too. Why should you change your DDs n/name?

One of my DBs and my cousin have the same name and middle name, but it never caused a problem as we've always called my brother Bloggs and not his real name!

freesias · 23/04/2011 22:38

just wondering if you have any mutual friends who would be prepared to say something to sil as judging by the vast majority of comments here most rational people would feel the same

could yo or your dh say something along the lines bella is beautiful but if we'd known it was going to be so popular we would have thought of something else

as a last resort is there any chance of making an appointment with the registrar of births in your area .you could perhaps explain the situation to them . i know they can't refuse to register a name but they could perhaps point out to your sil and bil the pitfalls and problems of such an action.

TransatlanticCityGirl · 23/04/2011 22:42

Coincidence or not I highly doubt she 'copied' the name either. Why on earth would she go out of her way to do that?

I personally wouldn't choose a first AND middle name that is the same unless my relative chose the middle name I am passing on through tradition.

It would be impossible for my child to have the same last name as any cousin as my child has both her mum and dad's surname.

Personally it would bother me a lot more if one of my brothers married a girl with the same first name as me and she decided to 'steal' my name through marriage. Does anyone here think she shouldn't be allowed to do that either???

ColonelBrandonsBiggestGroupie · 23/04/2011 22:46

YABU to only blame sil but yanbu to be annoyed - it seems really odd to me that anybody would do this. Sure, you don't 'own' the name but even so...

pippala · 23/04/2011 22:48

I totally feel for you.
I was in a similar position as my cousin named her son after my brother.
He died when I was 18 and my cousin was the same age as him but they were not close so couldn't understand her naming him after my brother IYSWIM
what hurt me most was I was also pregnant with a son due 4 wks after hers and I was going to name my son after my brother but all the family said I couldn,t as the two babies shouldn't have the same name.
I have never forgiven her for her stealing my babies name!
I hope your MIL sorts them out before they register the birth.
x