to be annoyed at SIL naming her baby daughter almost the exact same name as my DD?

[RubyGrace17]

Hi everyone,

I've posted a few times on various topics but this is my first AIBU :) I can't decide who is being unreasonable here, hopefully you can help me decide!

I have three daughters- aged 5, 3 and 4 months. My SIL (DH's Brother's Wife) had her second daughter on Tuesday evening and we are all absolutely delighted for them. However, last night BIL txt DH (and other members of family) to announce baby's name as they hadn't been able to decide up until now. She is named Isabelle Eva- lovely name. The issue is that my DD3 is named Isabella Eve and goes by Bella. Initially I was shocked that she would choose such a similar name, however, I did think she would choose a different variation for a nickname- my own DD is Bella. We went over to visit tonight along with PILs and no, they are calling her Bella too.
I can't decide if I am being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed- MIL is infuriated and wanted to "confront" SIL about "copying" and is none too happy at "having 2 GDs with the "same" name" (her words, not mine). I convinced her that wasn't necessary and insisted that she would no doubt choose a different nickname so it wouldn't be an issue. I could understand if it were a family name and she too wanted to honour a family member but neither of these names are.
I am not extremely close to SIL, however, we do get together as an extended family once a week or so and I often look after her little one as she is the same age as my DD2 and we all adore her so the girls do all spend time together. She has never really expressed to me that she particularly likes Bella as a name, nor has she expressed dislike. I know I do not "own" a name but it just strikes me as being quite unreasonable? I don't know- perhaps I'm just hormonal and being silly.
Look forward to your opinions!

Sorry- very long post!

Ruby

princessparty Sat 23-Apr-11 19:52:48

have a friend who had a baby with his wife 'James michael (surname)' He got divorced married again and called his first son with new wife 'james Michael (same surname)' so he had 2 children 18m apart in age living in the same neighbourhood with exactly the same name .Nowt so queer as folk!

my ex has done this - his second boy is called Jamie; my son is James (his first). I know why - he's done it because "you're named after the brother you'll never see / we're not allowed to know" etc (even though it's all HIS doing)

All I can say is, thank goodness we have nothing to do with them!!

YANBU.

Sounds really bloody odd to me.

YABU
It doesn't matter one iota. In fact its flattering to you and your choice of name.
Growing up there were many girls called Sarah at school and it didn't make any difference to anyone.
We have a DS who has a similar (not exactly the same) first name to my SIL's THIRD DS but as I say, its not exactly the same. She didn't bat an eyelid - we just have a "big X" and a "little X" if the same short version is used.
If anyone had said anything to me I would have told them that we choose our child's name and they don't have any influence on it whatsoever. IE none of your business.

YANBU...it is very odd.
However, what do you think would need to change? Do you want her to change her daughter's name? Do you need to 'tell her off' so she doesn't do it again!!!!
I think this is a no-win battle, I am sorry to say, because whatever you do will be seen as unreasonable as well.
It is inconvenient and frankly bonkers that she has done this, and it may be that in time she will realise and choose a different nn for her little xerox baby.
I do think you are being very calm and reasonable about this and well done for considering the rest of the extended family. Be secure in knowing that you are RIGHT and she is a FRUITLOOP

Have they registered the name yet? It is crazy!!! I think I would ask them to seriously reconsider. I can't believe they want their dd to have such an unoriginal name - it will be a shame for both girls. I am normally one for keeping the peace but I'd be really upset. They should at least change the middle name!

My DD's second cousin was given the same name as her at two weeks old but when we get together (not that often) we all use their middle names eg Katie Grace and Katie Louise (names changed to avoid outing myself!) and that's quite cute.

It is very odd but tbh both the blokes in this sound a bit wet - surely they should have stopped it happening? The given name being the same but with a different middle name and nickname would be fine but the copying of the whole thing IS weird and YANBU at all to be upset.

As a PP has said, the potential for admin issues later in life is considerable. I wonder if your DH could use this as a way to raise it with his brother? - it sounds a bit less personal than "why did you copy our DD's name?" Other than that, I would definitely pointedly be referring to DN as something other than Bella. I really would not normally suggest doing this - it's pretty rude to choose what you call another person - but in the circumstances I don't think you have an option. SIL sounds a loon.

I agree with the others that it's very odd and you are not being unreasonable.

Surely the nickname for an Isabella should be Bella and Isabelle would be Isy? After all there is no Bella in Isabelle, iyswim.

Yanbu. What a weird thing to do. I wouldn't be able to bite my tongue!

PP's right, you really do need to tackle this, because there are very real risks of confusion with officialdom. Same first name and surname would be bad enough but for all three names to be the same? Barking. (And swapping two letters around doesn't make it any less barking or risky.)

Do hope SIL and BIL are registered with a different GP, for starters. You really don't want their medical records being confused. Then there are school records, as they get older National Insurance and tax, even court records if they ever have the misfortune to get a speeding ticket... so many opportunities for confusion.

YANBU.
I am 6 months pg with DS2 and I have ruled out names that any of my close cousins or friends have called their kids, never mind what my immediate family has chosen.

Very very strange behaviour on your BIL and his wife's part.

They let you know the name by text so they knew they didn't want a conversation with you about it when they announced it otherwise they would have rung you up.

Make sure your dd gets known as 'the original Bella/Isabelle eva' maybe you could sign the welcome card like that ...

As for niece surely her nickname should be Ditto!!!

But definitely don't think you are BU to be a bit miffed at this and at the long term administrative tangles that could ensue.

Doh. I meant Ditto.

YANBU they are being totally ridiculous. My DH wants to call our next DD the same name as my best friends daughter (who is nearly 5) and i feel odd about that. My brother also called his daughter a name very similar to the name that I would like to call our next DD but I just rules it out as soon as I heard their choice of name. I think you should clear this up. I would get MIL on side too.

There is no possibility they are pulling your leg??

YANBU! I would not be impressed!! As ib said, the nickname will probably be changed by others, but such closeness in the name... well, I even read it as the same name until I looked closely!

Do not go along with calling your DD big Bella - politely correct and say no she is Bella.

I think your DH should speak to his brother asap.

Clearly there is something odd going on here with sil. Lets not beat about the bush - calling a baby of the same age and surname the same name as her cousin when you know they will be spending time together frequently and using the same nickname is not an accident. Sil has meant to do this - so why? When you were pg did you ever talk to her about names? Might she feel you stole her name and she's not giving in over it?

This happened to me when I was a baby! My weird aunt gave her daughter almost the same name as me!

For the sake of anonymity, let's say I'm called "Julie". When I was 10 months old, my mum's brother and his crazy wife named their newborn daughter, my cousin, "Julia". Just like with you, they aren't family names and we saw each other all the time - at least fortnightly. They are NUTTERS.

On a happier note, it has had precisely zero negative effect on my life. "Julia" is actually really lovely and my closest cousin friend (I have a vast army of cousins). Now, we weren't in the same school. But really it hasn't mattered a tiny bit.

Nobody confronted them when it happened though. They were all too polite and uptight. But it didn't matter in the end. This was actually the Big Hint that my aunt was really odd and my mum has spent the following 25 years loving to hate her and getting enjoyably outraged by similar stunts.

I thin your DH needs to say something. Or you should unleash your MIL. But if they don't, please don't let it bother you. Honestly they are only making themselves look ridiculous and your Bella will be ok

You aren't being unreasonable to be upset or to blame your SiL. I honestly don't get anyone's point when they think you are.

I would have said something to her or let MiL say it.

I did take the same name for my son as my brother / SiL used for theirs (10 years older) but it's a family name on both sides and I used it as his middle name not his first. Even that felt slightly odd! They didn't mind though (and I wouldn't have minded if they'd made the 'flattered you'd choose the name we did' comment - if my son grows up half as well behaved & good mannered & generally as fab as his cousin I'll be happy!)

In fact, as a measure of how little I think about it now we are both grown-up, I was halfway through this thread before it occurred to me 'hey, this is quite like me and Julia'!

This is the first, proper AIBU I have read in a long time.

OP - Yanbu

Your SIL and BIL have issues. Clearly.

They could have chosen Isabelle Susan . Isabelle Flora. Isabelle Anything.

But no....

Your DH needs to grow a pair and confront his brother and SIL, and I would be inclined to let your MIL rip.

YADNBU.

This happened on exH's side of the family and it was complicated by the fact that the original bearer of the stolen name and mn was adopted and there were crass and ignorant and very hurtful words said about who was a real family member (dreadful). The second child to be given the name has a different nn, but the hurt was never mended.

She's crazy! YANBU at all !

Names are tricky...when I was pregnant with DS we wanted to call him William or Thomas, but when he was born he just looked like a Sam, so Sam it was. My SIL had a DD a week a later and named her Vanessa. I didn't know until months later that she had been planning on using Samantha if she had a DD, but didn't because of my DS. (Same last name, same school, etc.)

Yeah- unleash the MIL!!!! (and then come back and tell us what happened)

YANBU (one tiny bit)

I am usually of the "names are common property- no reserving allowed" school of thought but that is completely ridiculous, especially given they have the same surname.

My favourite girl's name is very similar to my niece's name (and they have same surname)- so, for me, that was out. It would be like having a "louise" and an "Elouise" (not but that's the jist of it)

YANBU - I think you've rightly pointed out that it will be creepy and unfair on the two cousins...and as your daughter arrived first, she should be the one to change. Does look like she is having a case of Single White Female, wonder what your DH's brother's role in all this is. However SIL and BIL are wrong in one regard - if their daughter's name is Isabelle, the short version should be Belle, which would at least be a bit more acceptable when the cousins are together. Actually I have a friend whose DD is called Isabel, and she's never felt the need to shorten it - it's always Isabel (same sound as Isabelle), never Issy, Izzy, Belle, Bella, whatever. It isn't that long a name. Insisting on also calling her Bella is just daft. Still, if they went to the same school, you can bet the staff will reckon that SIL and BIL are rather weird and embarrassing. Goddaughters and friends having similar names (but seldom similar second names too!) is ok as they have different surnames and different families and social circles.

Suggest you let MIL have "a word" with them! She's right to be annoyed.