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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at SIL naming her baby daughter almost the exact same name as my DD?

460 replies

RubyGrace17 · 23/04/2011 19:32

Hi everyone,

I've posted a few times on various topics but this is my first AIBU :) I can't decide who is being unreasonable here, hopefully you can help me decide!

I have three daughters- aged 5, 3 and 4 months. My SIL (DH's Brother's Wife) had her second daughter on Tuesday evening and we are all absolutely delighted for them. However, last night BIL txt DH (and other members of family) to announce baby's name as they hadn't been able to decide up until now. She is named Isabelle Eva- lovely name. The issue is that my DD3 is named Isabella Eve and goes by Bella. Initially I was shocked that she would choose such a similar name, however, I did think she would choose a different variation for a nickname- my own DD is Bella. We went over to visit tonight along with PILs and no, they are calling her Bella too.
I can't decide if I am being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed- MIL is infuriated and wanted to "confront" SIL about "copying" and is none too happy at "having 2 GDs with the "same" name" (her words, not mine). I convinced her that wasn't necessary and insisted that she would no doubt choose a different nickname so it wouldn't be an issue. I could understand if it were a family name and she too wanted to honour a family member but neither of these names are.
I am not extremely close to SIL, however, we do get together as an extended family once a week or so and I often look after her little one as she is the same age as my DD2 and we all adore her so the girls do all spend time together. She has never really expressed to me that she particularly likes Bella as a name, nor has she expressed dislike. I know I do not "own" a name but it just strikes me as being quite unreasonable? I don't know- perhaps I'm just hormonal and being silly.
Look forward to your opinions!

Sorry- very long post!

Ruby

OP posts:
Casserole · 26/04/2011 20:08

I think it's deliberate on the SIL's part. I think it's something to do with either feeling smothered by the closeness of your family, or feeling left out and so doing something to cause dissent and sabotage things to upset the applecart.

Please don't take this the wrong way, as it obviously works for you all and that's lovely, but you sound like you all live in each others pockets a LOT. Pretty much every day, men, women, children, grandparents - and like I say, that's lovely if it works for you, but it would drive me absolutely MAD if my in laws were like that. I can see how she might do something to sabotage the whole arrangement, either because it drives her potty and she wants her husband back, or because she's aware she doesn't quite fit in and so is lashing out somehow.

Or she might just be a mad cow Grin

Either way, YADNBU.

mathanxiety · 26/04/2011 20:16

Does she have no family on her side, or friends she might have mentioned your baby to, who would have raised an eyebrow at her plans if she shared them? Nobody even now who is aware of what she has done who is prepared to hint to her that her choice is really ill-advised?

VeryStressedMum · 26/04/2011 20:21

Unless she's mental she knows that it's strange but still chose to do it and then didn't even mention why she called her dd something so similar.

VeryStressedMum · 26/04/2011 20:23

Just want to say, if I suggested we call our dd/ds the same as our brother/sister in law then my dh would probably mention that the nname si 'taken' and we're NOT calling our child by the same name! What does your BIL think?

Sarraburd · 26/04/2011 21:03

Wow. Just read the entire thread. And my dh wonders why MN is so addictive...!

Definitely looks like she's trying to drive a wedge. Agree with Prunhilda keep moral high ground and don't give her the pleasure.

And definitely give your dd another middle name. I have same initial as dh and without thinking (loved the names) gave dd same initials as me. Our post is always getting muddled up and it's bound to cause a problem at some point.

My bf who's godmother to my ds1 called her ds2 same name (it's a family name for both of us) but asked me first if I'd mind and has offered to give him a different nickname. It's a top ten name so I said don't worry call him whatever nickname you want. So when I first saw thread title I was going to assume YABU - but no, no, no, no!

Sarraburd · 26/04/2011 21:06

(but don't tell loony SIL about the extra middle name until it's too late for her to change her dds too...)

HRHPrincessZombiePlan · 26/04/2011 21:06

YANBU to be pissed off - SIL sounds a bit nuts. But I do think that if your DN is known as Bella then unfortunately you will just have to go with it. Otherwise, in years to come you will be seen as the unreasonable one who refuses to address DN by her own name... (have experience of this in own family, where elderly relative insisted on calling X by a diminutive, because X had been called that as a small child and said relative thought she was getting "above herself" by trying to "posh up" her name. Outcome is that she is X to everyone else - and the relative is seen as a crotchety old bat)

Prunnhilda · 26/04/2011 21:38

I have just had a thought.
Your Bella is 4 months old, and her Bella is a few days old. So you were pregnant at the same time.

Is there any chance that you had a conversation about names, she said she liked Isabella or Isabelle? Even in passing? Or in a group? Or she mentioned it to MIL and thinks you heard about it?

That would explain why she's being so bloody-minded: if you actually - either inadvertently or deliberately (don't flinch, this is MN, people tell half a story all the time!) - 'nicked' her proposed name.

CheerfulYank · 26/04/2011 21:51

She's not seriously proposing having a Liberty and a Bella, is she? Is she mad?

It's bad enough that I have a Sam and an going with Elle for a DD, should I ever have one :)

chocolatelover1234 · 26/04/2011 21:55

OoOHH no that's bad here was me thinkin i was being unreasonable wanting our next to be Emily Isabelle (TTC ATM) when our niece is Evie Isobel.

I'd confront her quick or get your DH to speak to his brother and maybe politely explain.

CurrySpice · 26/04/2011 22:11

Just for those people who say Bella is an odd name for an Isabelle, I have an Isobel and often call her Bella (Or Izzy or Belle or Stroppy Madam Hmm)

Having said that, I think you SiL is stark staring bonkers calling her DD such a similar name to your Shock - apart from many other reasons why it's odd, who wants to be thought of as a copy cat?

mamasos · 26/04/2011 22:17

definatelty not unreasonable, it's weird and would freak me right out?!!!

Clytaemnestra · 26/04/2011 22:56

CurrySpice - I have an Eloise and I call her Bella a lot. Originally it was Ella-Bella-Boo, then Bella-Boo now she's just Bella.

Wouldn't do it (publically) if any of my 5 SILs had a Bella or any derivative though :)

ViolaTricolor · 27/04/2011 10:36

Prunnhilda has a good point.

diddl · 27/04/2011 10:46

TBH, the girls do have different names, although not very.

What is odd imo is the insisting on a nn rather than using their individual names.

If OP & SIL both like Bella so much, why not have it as a name?

MackerelOfFact · 27/04/2011 12:56

I bet you anything that there's a thread on Netmums asking if it's OK to name a baby the same thing as her cousin, with 100 replies all saying "aww hun, its a luvely name, u shud call ur littel angle woteva u want its ur bbe - mebbe Isabelle Eva might b nice cus then itz yoonike, innit?!" Grin

I think I might have been tempted to tell SIL that you love the name and think you might use it for your next DD, just to see what she says.

tiggyhop · 27/04/2011 16:20

When I was growing up I had a friend who was tragically killed. I named my DS after him because he was a wonderful person and I couldn't think of a better name for my DS. Now you are making me feel terrible for my friend's family in case they thought I had somehow taken the name. He died 20 years before my DS was born BTW. Please make me feel better.

bean612 · 27/04/2011 16:49

Oh tiggyhop, that's a completely different scenario! Please don't worry. It would have been obvious that yours was a tribute.

As for the thread generally - I haven't read it all, it's too blimmin long Grin but basically OP I think you now know YANBU and your SIL is bonkers. The first name I get - we called our DD the same name as a friend's DD, born 2 months before, because I'd already decided I wanted it and it seemed a bit silly not to have the name we really liked just because there was another one in our circle of friends. It's a common name anyway, and there will doubtless be a few at her school, etc. It's also spelled differently. However, a) she is your SIL so it's the same family, and b) crucially - a virtually identical second name??? That's what tips it right over from "I know it's almost the same first name as your DD, but I love it and I'll give her a different second name to differentiate them" to... la-la-la creepiness, frankly.

Prunnhilda · 27/04/2011 19:18

Thanks ViolaTricolor
No response though....!

tiggyhop · 27/04/2011 19:22

Thanks Bean ! Feeling much better, it's amazing how you can question yourself when you read a thread!

cruelladepoppins · 27/04/2011 19:25

Haven't read them all - YANBU but then neither is SIL.

Take it as a compliment. It is a lovely name.

(I have 3 Marias in my family.)

BitOfFun · 27/04/2011 19:27

Neither is SIL?

Are you freaking kidding me? Shock

cruelladepoppins · 27/04/2011 19:30

Nope BitofFun I am not kidding. You should be able to choose a name you like for your child.

Oh - as well as the 3 Marias, we have family friends who gave their PFB DD1 the same name as ... their dog. So perhaps my perception is skewed.

Needanewname · 27/04/2011 19:34

SIL is being totally unreasonable and mad!

Has anyone mentioned (to her that is, I know its been said on here)that she has named her daughter 'Is a believer' yet? Maybe you could just sing the monkees song and alter the words slightly! [evil smiley!]

Maryz · 27/04/2011 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.