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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at SIL naming her baby daughter almost the exact same name as my DD?

460 replies

RubyGrace17 · 23/04/2011 19:32

Hi everyone,

I've posted a few times on various topics but this is my first AIBU :) I can't decide who is being unreasonable here, hopefully you can help me decide!

I have three daughters- aged 5, 3 and 4 months. My SIL (DH's Brother's Wife) had her second daughter on Tuesday evening and we are all absolutely delighted for them. However, last night BIL txt DH (and other members of family) to announce baby's name as they hadn't been able to decide up until now. She is named Isabelle Eva- lovely name. The issue is that my DD3 is named Isabella Eve and goes by Bella. Initially I was shocked that she would choose such a similar name, however, I did think she would choose a different variation for a nickname- my own DD is Bella. We went over to visit tonight along with PILs and no, they are calling her Bella too.
I can't decide if I am being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed- MIL is infuriated and wanted to "confront" SIL about "copying" and is none too happy at "having 2 GDs with the "same" name" (her words, not mine). I convinced her that wasn't necessary and insisted that she would no doubt choose a different nickname so it wouldn't be an issue. I could understand if it were a family name and she too wanted to honour a family member but neither of these names are.
I am not extremely close to SIL, however, we do get together as an extended family once a week or so and I often look after her little one as she is the same age as my DD2 and we all adore her so the girls do all spend time together. She has never really expressed to me that she particularly likes Bella as a name, nor has she expressed dislike. I know I do not "own" a name but it just strikes me as being quite unreasonable? I don't know- perhaps I'm just hormonal and being silly.
Look forward to your opinions!

Sorry- very long post!

Ruby

OP posts:
crashingwaves · 23/04/2011 20:09

YANBU!

That said there are a LOT of Isabellas and Isabels around and lots of them are nicknamed Bella (Twilight?) so I imagine when the girls start nursery or school they will just realise there are numerous others with that name.

I called DS Edward Grin NOT after Twilight!

RumourOfAHurricane · 23/04/2011 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nancy75 · 23/04/2011 20:11

I don't think having the same name as another child at school is as bad as having the same name as your cousin

valiumbandwitch · 23/04/2011 20:13

I agree the same name as a child in your class, well it happens.

The same name as your cousin..... well your aunt/uncle knew your name and decided to go ahead anyway despite having same sur name knowing that it might seem strange or cause some upset

pink4ever · 23/04/2011 20:13

Sorry but I think you are going to have to get tough with your dh here.He "doesnt want conflict" Hmm-too bad!. I think this is really,really,really,really(are you catching my drift!) weird!. I would not be able to stop myself saying something. I honestly think your sil does have a gripe with you and has done this spitefully.Tell your mil to let rip if you too scared too!.

BendyBob · 23/04/2011 20:14

Ruby you sound very kind and terribly nice in considering how sil would feel if anyone confronted her. But can she not have even considered for a second how you feel?Confused The least she could have done was put you in the picture about the name they planned to use.

I do think it should be mentioned tbh. You are obvioulsy upset and nearly everyone here says they'd feel the same. You have a right to feel the way you doSad

crashingwaves · 23/04/2011 20:14

Didn't say it was :) but that if you have a very popular name then you'll be more used to 'sharing' it than if you're called Dallas-Anne or something :)

prettymuchapixiegirl · 23/04/2011 20:14

YANBU; I think it's very odd of your BIL and SIL to do this. Naming their DD an almost identical first name is bad enough, but let alone almost the same middle name too and THEN giving their DD the same nickname as yours.

If I was in your position, I would have to say something. I get the impression OP that you have to tread on eggshells around them?

meadowlarks · 23/04/2011 20:15

Don't say anything, just insist on calling the new Bella "Babybel" until they get the message.

heliumballoons · 23/04/2011 20:16

TBH I find it wierd.

I am 1 of 17 in my generation (cousins/siblings) and there is 5 in the next generation.

Not 1 of us is named the same of remotely the same, or of the generation above us (mum/aunts/uncles).

YANBU to be a little Hmm. That was my first reaction!

blackeyedsusan · 23/04/2011 20:17

Confused and so everyone else will be..

SecretNutellaFix · 23/04/2011 20:20

yanbu.

I would tell her that you're really flattered that she felt she had to copy you. Exactly copy you.

AuntiePickleBottom · 23/04/2011 20:21

very odd indeed

somethingwillturnup · 23/04/2011 20:21

So she swapped the 'a's around?

Weird, weird, weird, weird, weird.......

ENormaSnob · 23/04/2011 20:24

Yanbu

I would be very pissed off.

I would have to say something tbh.

mouseanon · 23/04/2011 20:25

YANBU that is just such a weird thing for them to do!!!

thatsenough · 23/04/2011 20:25

Not unreasonalble at all. Although my loony SIL has given her dog the same name as my third child, and before you ask it is not a name you would normally associate with a pet pooch!

maxpower · 23/04/2011 20:26

I think it's a bit of an odd thing for your IL's to do, but as you acknowledge, you don't have ownership of your DD's name. Why not take it as a compliment?

I sympathise to a degree as my DD's birthday was 'hijacked' by my SIL having twins that day and I was sad that my DD wouldn't have her 'own' birthday, but I realised it's not really important. I don't suppose you'd be bothered if your DD had a best friend called Isabelle Eva - in fact, it'd probably be a talking point!

shrinkingnora · 23/04/2011 20:28

Maybe they were trying for a baby for ages and dreamed of what she would be called.....then when you called your daughter something similar they were really sad and disappointed and then really couldn't think of anything else.... or maybe I am a bit pissed

But comfort yourself with the fact they have called their daughter 'is a believer' Grin

somethingwillturnup · 23/04/2011 20:28

But maxpower if that happened, it would be a coincidence. And quite an amazing one.

This is no coincidence. It's just, well, weird

BertieBasset · 23/04/2011 20:30

What is most weird is that she is using a nn that doesn't apply to her dd's name! Surely it would be Belle?

I'd be peed off if same name but diff nn, but same nn as well is crazy.

GilbonzoTheSecretPsychoDuck · 23/04/2011 20:30

My brother and my cousin have the same first name (different middle and surnames) but they are also 12 years apart and live in different countries. It is also a family name that has gone down the generations for the first male in a family. I chose to 'forget' this rule and chose a name I liked for my ds as it all seems a bit odd to me.

Four months apart and seeing each other regularly with the same name is just bizarre!

manchestermummy · 23/04/2011 20:30

YANBU: very odd.

I normally feel one can't own a name (my friend rather liked my DD1's name for her DC2, but said she couldn't possibly use it: I told her not to be daft) but this is really strange.

I have a friend who gave us a whole list of names she was planning to use for her DC (she has three) and made her DH cross-examine my DH for name choices for our DC2.

SecretNutellaFix · 23/04/2011 20:30

you could always send a card to welcome Isabelle Eva from Mr and Mr RubyGrace and Isabella Eve.

Original poster
RubyGrace17 · 23/04/2011 20:31

princessparty- I did say that I am aware that I don't own any name but I am annoyed that my dd and my dn do share the same surname and they have chosen the same nickname. Had it been a different surname, had they chosen a different nickname, had they been living far apart not seeing each other often, I don't think I would be too bothered.

Cantspel- you're right, it IS a popular name/nickname and as a teacher I have had lots of little Belles and Bellas in my class but to have the same surname and to potentially be in the same class when they go to school (live in same catchment as BIL & SIL), is why I have an issue with it being so similar. It just isn't sitting comfortably with me.

ib- it isn't "rare" family occasions- they are together every week at least once and often DN comes to play at our house. I hope newest DN will be the same and so it isn't rare, they will be spending time together weekly at the least.

Bendybob- I hope they won't continue to do this with other children! They already have a DD whose name is nothing like any of my daughters and is quite a different style to Isabelle actually which is why I was shocked also when they announced the name.

Pink4ever- I'm not sure if she has done it to spite me. I hope not :( She has always been sort of distant towards me but she is the same to everyone else in the family so it isn't that she has a particular gripe with me. She's happy to leave her DD with me relatively often, but more often than not BIL will do the dropping off/arranging/picking up. I was very close to BILs ex fiancee (no children together) and I am still in contact with her as she became a friend. MIL is very bitter that BIL "let ex fiancee go" as, as I said, she isn't too fond of SIL. This is the only thing I can think of that she would have an issue with with me. :( I try my best to make her welcome into the family and always invite BIL & SIL over with DN for birthdays etc. She doesn't always accept but I do always ask. Not sure why she would have such a grudge against me if she has done this intentionally, as you suggest she could have :(

I sort of wish she had spoken to me about the name and actually, if she had and she told me she loved it then of course, I couldn't have said, "no, don't use it". I would have suggested/encouraged a different nickname or a different middle name but I know I don't own the name so I couldn't have said "no, you're not using it". It's the fact she has just gone ahead, done this and not mentioned it!

Thank you all- you're all so lovely. Felt so alone in this until I posted here- so glad I did. :)

OP posts: