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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at SIL naming her baby daughter almost the exact same name as my DD?

460 replies

RubyGrace17 · 23/04/2011 19:32

Hi everyone,

I've posted a few times on various topics but this is my first AIBU :) I can't decide who is being unreasonable here, hopefully you can help me decide!

I have three daughters- aged 5, 3 and 4 months. My SIL (DH's Brother's Wife) had her second daughter on Tuesday evening and we are all absolutely delighted for them. However, last night BIL txt DH (and other members of family) to announce baby's name as they hadn't been able to decide up until now. She is named Isabelle Eva- lovely name. The issue is that my DD3 is named Isabella Eve and goes by Bella. Initially I was shocked that she would choose such a similar name, however, I did think she would choose a different variation for a nickname- my own DD is Bella. We went over to visit tonight along with PILs and no, they are calling her Bella too.
I can't decide if I am being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed- MIL is infuriated and wanted to "confront" SIL about "copying" and is none too happy at "having 2 GDs with the "same" name" (her words, not mine). I convinced her that wasn't necessary and insisted that she would no doubt choose a different nickname so it wouldn't be an issue. I could understand if it were a family name and she too wanted to honour a family member but neither of these names are.
I am not extremely close to SIL, however, we do get together as an extended family once a week or so and I often look after her little one as she is the same age as my DD2 and we all adore her so the girls do all spend time together. She has never really expressed to me that she particularly likes Bella as a name, nor has she expressed dislike. I know I do not "own" a name but it just strikes me as being quite unreasonable? I don't know- perhaps I'm just hormonal and being silly.
Look forward to your opinions!

Sorry- very long post!

Ruby

OP posts:
etyksm · 23/04/2011 20:33

My DH has the same first name as his cousin ( different surname) but they live on different continents and there is about 15 year age gap. It is slightly amusing when DH phones his uncle and his younger namesake answers "hi little M it's big M here"

YANBU. I would suggest just asking the question as to why, you never know they might have a perfectly reasonable explanation, and it might just help to clear the air.

pink4ever · 23/04/2011 20:34

Are you really that naive?? You are mates with your bil ex-fiance and you cant imagine why sil would have a gripe with you[hmm}.Please please let mil say something or do it yourself(You can be nice-I wouldnt be!) or you will end up resenting sil and that wil definately sour the family relations.

BestNameEver · 23/04/2011 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maxpower · 23/04/2011 20:37

somethingwillturnup I agree, like I said in my post, it's an odd thing to do

I had two friends when I was younger, both called Ben William Surnames. OK, the surnames were different because they weren't related, but it goes to prove that people with the same names can and do form friendships which means they are in each other's comany a lot. FWIW we all managed fine when they were out with us together. I was just trying to offer a different perspective to the OP to try to help her come to terms with the situation.

LynetteScavo · 23/04/2011 20:38

It's a really odd thing to do.

Can your DH have a word with his DB?

You are not being at all silly, and I'm not surprised your MIL is cross.

If she does stick with the name, call her DD Isabelle, rather than Bella.

MCos · 23/04/2011 20:39

Well, since your DD3 is only 4 months, it could be possible that she had this name in mind before you named your daughter. And was upset that you used it, but decided to use it herself anyway... I had decided name for DD2 during early pregnancy. If anybody else used the name before DD2 was born, I would probably have used it anyway - since it was MY name too...
Just another point of view.

(But it is weird that second names are almost the same too).

pink4ever · 23/04/2011 20:40

My bf has the same first name as myself-we were known as pink1 and 2 throughout school and still refer to each other as that sometimesGrin. Doesnt make your sil any less of a freak though.

Original poster
RubyGrace17 · 23/04/2011 20:40

Pink, BIL's ex is now very happily married (and has been for nearly 8 years now) and has four children of her own. I've known her for 12 years now and really didn't even consider it an issue! If SIL was just "funny" with me, I could perhaps see this could be a reason but she is the same with everyone... including my other SIL (DHs Sister), MIL, FIL. She is not in contact with any of her own family, I do not know why. So I just am not sure that it really is to do with my still being friends with BIL's ex?

Ruby

OP posts:
nancy75 · 23/04/2011 20:42

maybe she's done it to turn his whole family against him/him against them - if she doesn't get on with any of you its a good way to get someone else to start an argument.

SpotsMumSally · 23/04/2011 20:43

I know two sisters who both called their DS James (both have their mother's maiden names). Small village and quite confusing

I can't believe that people can have such a lack of imagination that they have to do that.

pink4ever · 23/04/2011 20:43

This is an aibu by stealth isnt it?Hmm you now drop in the bombshell that weirdo sil has no contact with her own family and you areHmm about it?(eh ask her?). You all sound so completely tippytoey about her-I simply couldnt live my life like that!.

crashingwaves · 23/04/2011 20:44

You know, the ONLY thing I can think of (not ideal I know) is to either speak with your BIL or (and this is only a suggestion, I'm honestly not saying I think you should!) would you consider changing or altering your little girl's name as you can I believe until the child's 2nd birthday? Is that right?

I only mention that as if they are in same class at school etc then yes it is just going to get bizarre. I know you shouldn't have to and I'm not saying you should, just because I have two girls' names both of which I love, and don't favour one above the other if you see what I mean :)

For some reason I have always thought I'd use one for a spring/summer baby and one for an autumn or winter baby :) x

hellymelly · 23/04/2011 20:45

YANBU,that is really bonkers,and It would wind me up too! How annoying,but more than that,how peculiar!

HooverTheHamaBeads · 23/04/2011 20:45

This is truly strange, even more so as you share the same surname.

I think you should let MIL bring it up ASAP and point out that they will be at school together with almost the same same.

Original poster
RubyGrace17 · 23/04/2011 20:55

No, Pink. The fact she has no contact with her own family is none of my business. It is absolutely nothing to do with me or my husband why and I wouldn't like to upset her by asking her.

I actually live my life very normally and treat my niece as I do my other nieces/nephews and treat SIL as I do the rest of the family- I invite SIL & BIL round, I look after DN whenever I can etc etc. Just because she doesn't take up invites or doesn't act particularly warmly towards me, doesn't mean I "tip toe" around her. I act as I do towards my other family members. She is the one who acts somewhat strangely.

Ruby

OP posts:
hellymelly · 23/04/2011 20:57

Names shared across generations in a family can be sweet,as when "big Mary" is an adult and "little Mary" a child,we have a few of those in our families,but this is so strange. I feel very sorry for you, I don't know what I would say in your place,I think I would pass it on for DH to tackle actually.

pink4ever · 23/04/2011 20:59

Yes as I said previously this is aibu by stealthHmm. You stated she didnt appear to have a problem with you but now say "she acts strangely"-which is it?. Why would it upset her speaking about her family?surely you are part of that family now?. You dont "tip-toe" around her but you wont even mention that you find this really strange? tbh I find you all really strange....

Original poster
RubyGrace17 · 23/04/2011 21:00

I think I will try to convince DH to speak to BIL. Simply to hear their "side" of the story and their reasons for choosing such a similar name. Perhaps they have always loved the name and were set on choosing it before I named DD3. I don't know. Then perhaps I can feel better about it myself, knowing why.

I don't feel able to ask SIL myself. I know, it's cowardly and I know it'd be better my asking her than DH speaking to BIL but I just don't feel I can say to her. And don't feel it is fair letting MIL let rip on her. I wouldn't mind speaking to BIL about it but DH and him are so close, it'd be better if he did it.
I don't know if DH will agree to it but I may just show him all these replies and hopefully he will see I'm not completely insane and others do agree it isnt really acceptable :(

Ruby

OP posts:
pink4ever · 23/04/2011 21:03

ruby I think that is a good plan. Sorry if I have seemed harsh but honestly if sil had done this to me my reaction would have been to laugh in her face and then say WHY?! good luck.

supadupacreameggscupa · 23/04/2011 21:04

yadnbu

just start calling her babybel and hopefully being named after a cheese will make them change their mind quick sharpish

Grin
Original poster
RubyGrace17 · 23/04/2011 21:05

Gosh, pink. I don't think any of the family would be too fussed that you find us all "really strange" as it happens... :)
She doesn't appear to have an individual problem with ME. She behaves towards everyone in the same way. I would be worried if it were JUST me but since it is how she behaves towards everyone, I do not think she has a particular problem with me. As I have said repeatedly.

Thank you to everyone for your replies- really helpful to hear your views! :)

Ruby

OP posts:
LadyInTheRadiat0r · 23/04/2011 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SE13Mummy · 23/04/2011 21:21

YANBU but, if neither your nor your DH feel able to explore the issue with his DB and SiL then you'll have to come up with a way of making it work for your section of the family... although your DN is Isabelle, to be known as Bella by her parents perhaps it will make it easier for your part of the family to refer to her as Izzy/Elle or even Eva?

Your older children will pick up on what you and their Grandparents call her so, having missed the opportunity to query the name at the 'off' perhaps you could drop the new parents a line saying, "DD1 and DD2 have decided that it's too tricky having two Baby Bellas in the family so have suggested we call their lovely new cousin Izzy. We hope that's okay with you, if you'd prefer we started using Elle or Eva instead let us know ASAP and we'll start practising".

BrandyAlexander · 23/04/2011 21:25

OMG! We chose DD's name about 2 months before she was born. One of our first visitors were friends of dh who we rarely see and didn't realise that we had chosen the same name as their dd. Roll on 2 years and DS is due any day now. The name we really liked, happens to be the name of the ds of this couple. So, much as we love the name we have ditched it as that would just be plain WEIRD! Your SIL is weird, weird, weird! Not sure why pink is pushing you for a big confrontation, I wouldn't say anything, I would just chalk it down to them having little imagination!

NinkyNonker · 23/04/2011 21:29

Ridiculous.