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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed at SIL naming her baby daughter almost the exact same name as my DD?

460 replies

RubyGrace17 · 23/04/2011 19:32

Hi everyone,

I've posted a few times on various topics but this is my first AIBU :) I can't decide who is being unreasonable here, hopefully you can help me decide!

I have three daughters- aged 5, 3 and 4 months. My SIL (DH's Brother's Wife) had her second daughter on Tuesday evening and we are all absolutely delighted for them. However, last night BIL txt DH (and other members of family) to announce baby's name as they hadn't been able to decide up until now. She is named Isabelle Eva- lovely name. The issue is that my DD3 is named Isabella Eve and goes by Bella. Initially I was shocked that she would choose such a similar name, however, I did think she would choose a different variation for a nickname- my own DD is Bella. We went over to visit tonight along with PILs and no, they are calling her Bella too.
I can't decide if I am being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed- MIL is infuriated and wanted to "confront" SIL about "copying" and is none too happy at "having 2 GDs with the "same" name" (her words, not mine). I convinced her that wasn't necessary and insisted that she would no doubt choose a different nickname so it wouldn't be an issue. I could understand if it were a family name and she too wanted to honour a family member but neither of these names are.
I am not extremely close to SIL, however, we do get together as an extended family once a week or so and I often look after her little one as she is the same age as my DD2 and we all adore her so the girls do all spend time together. She has never really expressed to me that she particularly likes Bella as a name, nor has she expressed dislike. I know I do not "own" a name but it just strikes me as being quite unreasonable? I don't know- perhaps I'm just hormonal and being silly.
Look forward to your opinions!

Sorry- very long post!

Ruby

OP posts:

ViolaTricolor · 25/04/2011 19:32

You sound so nice, Ruby, in the face of some really quite mysterious and hurtful behaviour. I really hope the brothers have had a good day today and maybe talked about it while they were golfing.

Prunnhilda · 25/04/2011 19:44

Sympathies. There is a SIL in DH's family who has pretty much driven a wedge between her husband and the rest of the family. It's been very hard for them to lose a much-loved yet very private semi-sibling. Nobody has a clue about their relationship, except that they practically come out in hives trying to be nice to the SIL and she isn't interested. So I hope that doesn't happen here.

That's why I advocate passivity

princessparty · 25/04/2011 20:02

A name is for life .It seems odd now but in a few years they might move away or you might, even if they end up at the same primary school they probably won't be a t the same secondary and after that they wuill reach adulthood and be in different universities and workplaces and probably only cross paths once in a blue moon.In any case they will most likely get married and have different surnames.So I can kind of see your SILs POV that why should she deny her daughter a name she likes for the next 80 years for the sake of a bit of awkwardness when they are small.

mossi · 25/04/2011 20:34

I had dc late in life. By then, various family and friends had pretty much used up all my favourite names. We chose something slightly different which upset my sister as it was similar to her daughter's first name.

Maybe it's her favourite name too. Why should she have to choose something else just because it might offend you.

Isabelle is a very popular name at the moment, after all.

Although I think they could have chosen a different middle name, I must admit.

goingmadinthecountry · 25/04/2011 20:44

My dd3 (7) is Isabella Lily Eve - DID YOU COPY ME??

Seriously would really annoy me - you always try not to copy others,even if you like the names.

GREAT choice of name by the way

LoveLeonardCohen · 25/04/2011 21:11

It seems very odd indeed

mrsbumbledosem · 25/04/2011 21:22

Why can't you ask her outright? I mean, you have a legitimate right to say you are concerned about possible consequences and also you are genuinely interested to know what it is all about. Why not just call her and be up front.

" I have been thinking about this a lot and I am really unhappy about your name being almost an exact copy of my DD. How do you think you would feel if it were the other way around I had named DD3 after your DD1. I understand you like the name but it is someone else's name in this family... " etc etc

I don't think you need to be confrontational but it seems like in your family no one is being open. YOu are conveying your displeasure but not actually pulling her up on what is actually bonkers behaviour

clam · 25/04/2011 21:54

I think you are being much nicer to/about her than she deserves, frankly.
The more I think about it, the more outrageous her behaviour is.
And if she decided her DD wasn't going to go out with you on a trip today that you'd invited her on (and SIL was too bloody rude busy tired to come along to), then the leaast she could have done was to phone you herself, rather than passing a message along 3rd hand via the men.

GapsAGoodUn · 25/04/2011 23:43

The more I think about this the more I think that having a chat with the registrar and giving your Bella an additional middle name would be a good idea.

You don't have to use it, your SIL need never know but it would make a significant point of difference for administration purposes in the future. Plus, if your dd wants to change her name at some point in the future you have given her another option.

You sound like a lovely person Ruby, I wish you were my SIL.

freesias · 26/04/2011 00:48

i keep thinking about this and wondering if it might be worth playing sil at her own game
i believe from your post sil has an older dd how about saying something along the lines of "we really love dn1 name xy and her nn z so much so if if dn1 had not been called it we woould have used it for dd3 but we decided against it as we felt it would have been unfair on our dd3 and dn1 , never mind we would probably looked a bit daft and difficult for grandparents . but we've been reconsidering and think as it is obviously not a problem for you it might be possible for us to change dd3 name to xy and use nn z . if not if we have dd4 we will definitely call her xy nn z . then we can have 2 bellas and 2 xys nn z .all this name sharing will bring the family so much closer together. don't you agree?"

it might be enough to make sil realise how loopy she's being and if not might frighten her enough that she backs down if her own pfb name is threatened with loosing it's uniqueness etc

Bubbaluv · 26/04/2011 00:48

Goodness, you are such a nice person Ruby.
I'd be calling the baby Jane (or any other name that came to mind) and totally refusing to acknowledge her as an Isabelle, but I'm a stubborn cow.
What a total nutter of a woman! Your patience and calmness in the face of this behaviour is nigh on saintly!

Bubbaluv · 26/04/2011 00:54

Oh, and one of my friend's Grandfather died as a result of his GP confusing him with another patient of the same name (for about 2 years apparently) and therefore failing to correctly medicate him for his serious medical conditions!
I've never asked for the full details, but it was the equivalent of getting vitamin C for diabetes.
He just kept coming in for repeat prescriptions and getting the other blokes stuff. The other bloke (who was about 20 years younger btw) had moved away so never questioned why he was getting diabetes meds for his vitamin deficiency.

CheerfulYank · 26/04/2011 01:34

I thought my SIL was barking, but this she'd never do, I'll give her that. She even stayed away from a name because I told her I liked it once, even though she liked it too. And also, as I mentioned before, I had a Samuel a week before she had her DD, whom she'd planned on naming Samantha but didn't b/c of my son's name.

It's just insane! Why in the world would they do this? She sounds stubborn and annoying. My nephew is Owen, a name I like, but I'd never in a million years use it for a DS because it's our nephew's name . I really can't get over this.

Maybe you should show her this. Over 360 messages and almost every one saying this is not a normal thing to do. :)

GKlimt · 26/04/2011 02:10

FWIW this definitely doesn't sound like PND to me but more like your SIL has some longstanding personality difficulties and is acting this out big time, in the family. It's certainly grabbed the female family member's attention [and 15 pages of MN comment] I think that she is most likely very insecure and testing how much she is accepted.

From what you have said it seems unlikely that yr SIL [and by default your BIL and DH] are going to change her mind. Like so many other folks have said you sound like a very kind and understanding person.

I'm curious as to why all the men in your family are being so passive and its all being left to the women to resolve. Is this always the case?

ZacharyQuack · 26/04/2011 02:12

What is DN1's name? And isn't it time you bought a dog? [bugrin]

Bubbaluv · 26/04/2011 02:24

No no Zachary, surely the dog should be named after SIL. Then ruby can openly say "Jenny" (for example) is a bitch and a mongrel!

mathanxiety · 26/04/2011 05:36

Maybe she doesn't get it because she really doesn't feel that she's a part of the family of her DH or doesn't feel that you and your DH and her DH and the parents on that side matter all that much, and it's only her side of the family that counts?

alexandra65 · 26/04/2011 05:44

Thats is a bit odd - I know I wouldnt be happy. I didnt even like it when mu Mum called her cat the same name as mine !

Longtalljosie · 26/04/2011 07:06

Errr - no, Alexandra, I wouldn't have liked that either!

Prunnhilda · 26/04/2011 07:45

I don't agree that you should refuse to call your niece Bella. If they say that's what she ought to be called, then you should respect that, just as you would if it weren't exactly the same as your daughter's name. I'd just go with the ridiculousness of it.

My main reason for saying that is that if your SIL is as barking as she seems, and not actually mentally ill, she's going to come out with some serious weirdness in future and you want to be in residence, well up on that moral high ground when she does.

freesias · 26/04/2011 07:56

i've also wondered if it's jealousy on your sil part perhaps she feels if she emulates the favoured dil's name choices she will herself become a more valued member of the family . it's obviously not working .

when i suggested that you tell sil that you might use dn1's name for a dd4 or change dd3's name to dn1's name i obviously don't mean you should actually do it just make the suggestion to see how she reacts when she could potentially be placed in your shoes.

Original poster

RubyGrace17 · 26/04/2011 13:20

DN1 is called Liberty (middle name Maya) but goes by Libby, for whoever asked. :)
Generally, the men in my husbands side of the family want a "quiet life" and seem to sweep things under the carpet than discuss or confront them. Opposite to my own family. BIL and FIL are slightly...henpecked, shall we say! Not in a bad way, just they go along with whatever their wife wants for an easy time. My own DH will stand his ground in general with people (and with me when we disagree!) but not within his family- it's difficult to explain really but it's the old adage of blood being thicker than water- as far as DH is concerned, his mum, dad, sister and brother can do no wrong. If in a situation where BIL is clearly in the "wrong" and I disagree with something, DH WILL side with his brother every time, even if (deep down) he disagrees really with BIL. It can be frustrating :(
According to DH, BIL did not mention the name thing yesterday. So I think that it's officially "finished" unless I bring it up again or MIL does but I certainly see little point now as there's nothing else I can do. Still haven't seen or heard from SIL and neither has MIL. Was round at MILs for a coffee this morning and she is still fuming but I think that she has been convinced to let it go and try to keep the peace now as I have explained there's little else we can do and we must just enjoy the baby, no matter what her nick name!
Funny, MIL and I were talking today and I overheard DD2 refer to DD3 as "Issy". Not sure where she picked that up from, she has possibly heard me discussing with friends or DH as I've never called DD3 Issy!

Ruby

OP posts:

caramelwaffle · 26/04/2011 13:39

You are very gracious.

Tabliope · 26/04/2011 13:50

I think your SIL is wrong in what she has done but if I was her I'd be very annoyed my two DC's first name and middle name being put on the internet. Plus your DD's names are up too. So she's got a Liberty and a Belle... sounds a bit fishy to me, sorry.

sheeplikessleep · 26/04/2011 13:54

Agree with caramel, what an accommodating and understanding person you are. I am sat here open mouthed at your situation and cannot believe such a similar name has been chosen. Very very odd.

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