to be annoyed at SIL naming her baby daughter almost the exact same name as my DD?

[RubyGrace17]

Hi everyone,

I've posted a few times on various topics but this is my first AIBU :) I can't decide who is being unreasonable here, hopefully you can help me decide!

I have three daughters- aged 5, 3 and 4 months. My SIL (DH's Brother's Wife) had her second daughter on Tuesday evening and we are all absolutely delighted for them. However, last night BIL txt DH (and other members of family) to announce baby's name as they hadn't been able to decide up until now. She is named Isabelle Eva- lovely name. The issue is that my DD3 is named Isabella Eve and goes by Bella. Initially I was shocked that she would choose such a similar name, however, I did think she would choose a different variation for a nickname- my own DD is Bella. We went over to visit tonight along with PILs and no, they are calling her Bella too.
I can't decide if I am being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed- MIL is infuriated and wanted to "confront" SIL about "copying" and is none too happy at "having 2 GDs with the "same" name" (her words, not mine). I convinced her that wasn't necessary and insisted that she would no doubt choose a different nickname so it wouldn't be an issue. I could understand if it were a family name and she too wanted to honour a family member but neither of these names are.
I am not extremely close to SIL, however, we do get together as an extended family once a week or so and I often look after her little one as she is the same age as my DD2 and we all adore her so the girls do all spend time together. She has never really expressed to me that she particularly likes Bella as a name, nor has she expressed dislike. I know I do not "own" a name but it just strikes me as being quite unreasonable? I don't know- perhaps I'm just hormonal and being silly.
Look forward to your opinions!

Sorry- very long post!

Ruby

i'd be checking dn's birth certificate if i were you. i reckon there's a strong chance that she'll be "Isabella" on it because otherwise bella makes no sense as a nickname

I think you should really check that SIL isn't very depressed. It's so strange to be so determined about it. She might be a nice person who is battling.

But let's just say she's bloody-minded and doesn't care about you (pl).

Logically, nobody has a say over the name. You have to deal with it. People have the same name in families quite a lot and they manage. It's fine. You don't like it but it's not your choice and the result is odd but is going to hurt nobody.

The more fuss is made, the more oxygen a nasty person gets to feed whatever was strong enough to make her want to do this. Don't pander to that. Call her dd Bella and never let it be seen that you can't cope. (TBH you ought to be able to cope, it's not an intractable issue.)

If she's a nasty piece of work, something will bring her down in the end, but she would be reasonably justified in taking the moral high ground if she's ostracised or harangued about this - because names are the business of the parents only. Logically. (I know that yours is a reasonable emotional response to someone giving you the metaphorical finger.)

So let her um hoist herself by her own petard or something.

I'm agreeing about the madness of your sil, but on a practical level of what you can do to make it less agrivating when they are older and at school etc, have you thought about double barrelling your surname?

I know it's a pain and you shouldn't have to, but it looks more unlikely that your sil will do anything, and I'm thinking of your family, one child in my son's class is called Joe star as his surname begins with B and there is already a Joe B in the class.

sorry to hear your afternoon was spoiled ruby, but you really shouldn't feel like you're causing bad feelings! if anyone is doing that it's SIL!

DP's uncle has recently had a baby and they have given her the same name as mine, and MIL has gone mad at him, as i'm going to have to be referred to as 'DP's Porcelina'. so considering that, i think you are being very restrained on the matter. she is making herself look barmy, or unimaginative, or looking to cause an argument, or a mixture of all.

would she not consider swapping the names, so she's eva isabelle, since it seems she only picked the names because she thinks they sound nice? you could point out she'd be avoiding the 'is a believer' problem, as well as making herself look less loopy...

Prunnhilda I am 100% with you on this.

I really feel for the BIL too (although of course it could be completely misplaced - he is just as much responsible for the name as SIL!). But it sounds from his conversation with the DH as if he's caught between a rock and a hard place, knowing that it's a bizarre thing to do but feeling he has to go along with SIL. If so he must be wishing the ground would open up and swallow him right now. If so how awful, what a sad start to the new DD coming into the family.

Agree that it looks as if there's nothing to be done, apart from possibly pointing out the old 'Is a believer' ...mind you thinking about it that would probably make them register her as Isabella Eve instead!

I think the SIL will end up using a different nn - eventually - how can she not? She will be the one who looks strange/idiotic and will have all the questions directed towards her.

This is so odd

Prunnhilda - I agree it's a thought.

From the Is SIL depressed point of view do you share a hv?

Maybe mention it to hv.

Naming a child virtually the same name and wondering why people have a problem is not normal behaviour.

I agree that if she continues to be intransigent, having the same name as her cousin may not be such a terrible thing for your DD. I have the same name as my mum, Nan, and Great-Nan, and whilst I wouldn't carry on the tradition (no girls, so not an issue thank goodness), it did make me feel a bit special as a child.

This is definitely not normal behaviour, she's got some sort of problem going on.

Your SIL is a complete loon and incredibly rude to boot. Only someone with a screw loose would do what she did and then behave so badly at the family gathering. I vote for keeping up the pressure on her and the BIL until they crack. I like your MIL and her direct approach and I think you should all take a leaf from her book and back her up.

She is right here, and so are you but you need the courage of your convictions. You did not ruin the gathering any more than your MIL did. That was your SIL's and spineless BIL's doing.

Look, Ruby, you and MIL did your best, SIL is not going to budge so it looks like you're stuck with the situation. SIL sounds like the sort of person who is used to getting her own way! She is very silly to insist on the same nickname as well.

On the Maria point half the Irish side of my family are Mary X, Mary Y, Mary Z and occasionally you get 2 Mary Margarets or Mary Catherines but then they're Maggie and Meg or Kitty and Kate. But the Mary X tradition is quite common in many RC cultures and when someone does gave the same full name they usually have a different nickname!

I have a similar name to a cousin 10 years older than me - Anne/Anna type thing but whereas I'm Anne she's Mary Anna so the small similarity in usage has a big practical difference. I've never felt disadvantaged by it really, although explaining that's I'm Anne Smith and she's AnnA Smith and we are different people can get tedious.

Prunnhilda is talking a lot of sense today

Firstly PND does sound likely.
Secondly BIL needed to put his foot down firmly. A ridiculous situation has been created.
Thirdly if they go to the same one-entry school, they will have to be referred to differently. I'm sure the school will call them by their first full names which is a bit unfair on op's Bella. There will be so much confusion. They will be next to each other on all records and it's 99% sure that there will be more than one mix up somewhere along the line. Surely SIL must have thought of that?

Apologies if I have repeated what others have said - there was too much to read!

Sorry ruby but if you remember my previous posts on this matter I pointed out that I thought sil had done this as a deliberate insult and now I think her subsequent behaviour backs that up. I do think for some reason that she holds a grudge against you and I think this was her way of forcing the confrontation she so clearly wanted.
Please do not let her ride rough shot over the lot of you for the sake of a quiet life.Will only lead to massive resentment. Wait for her to make the next move.If she maintains that she is going ahead with calling her dd bella then explain that the rest of the family(and ensure dh backs you up on this) will simply call her by her proper name Isabelle. Stay calm and smile nicely.Keep doing that no matter what other argument she throws at you.Dont give in!!.

YANBU OP. Your sil is a fruit loop. If my sister / sil had used a name that I loved then we would just have sucked it up and used something different, even if we had announced what we were calling our child first.

My sil (dh's brothers wife) has a dd - lets call her Lucy Maya for sake of the argument and not to out me. It is 2 pretty common and popular names and a pretty common combination as far as I can tell. My sister (so no relation to bil and sil) chose the exact same name for her dc2 if said child had been a dd (in fact he was a ds so no issue). I told my sister that I found this strange - and they are not blood relatives, have different surnames, and live on different continents so the chances o9f being together at the same time would be very rare. But my dses would have 2 cousins with the exact same name and I would have 2 nieces with the exact same name. WHich I think would be wierd enough! If my sister had gone ahead with this name had she had a dd (she didn't think I had a point) then of course I wouldn't have said anything as at the end of the day it would be her choice and not really my business.

Just saying the above which is significantly less than the situation in the op to ilustrate how mad I think your sil is! I also think that if they loved the names why on earth didn't they call her Eva Isabelle instead? Actually sounds much nicer than the other way round (and avoids the I'm a believer thing which I also think makes their choice a bit daft)

It does sound like sil could be struggling with pnd or something similar. Poor last I hope she gets the support she needs soon.

Realistically there is nothing anyone can do (bar Bil) to change what DN is being called. So you are stuck with the situation.

Surely calling your DN by her given name Isabelle would be a reasonable comprise on your side.
If you intend on using Bella as a nn for your daughter, have you considered to change her name officially. So there can be Isabelle Surname and Bella Surname. That way they will not be together on lists and less likely to be confused. Plus your sil would have no choice but to call you daughter by her given name 'Bella' (passive aggressive icon) ;)

I like the suggestion to add another middle name to your childs name too.

Maybe you will find that your SIL starts copying you in other ways too - clothes, toys etc! I wouldn't be surprised.

Why would PND cause sil to 'steal' her niece's name?

Not the 'stealing' part but maybe the 'sticking to her guns' bit. If you are depressed, having to re-think something that you feel is a big thing and no one understands you is quite difficult. She may have thought her choice of name was sufficiently different to the op's and really can't face thinking of another. I'm just trying to think of reasons for the insanity of the situation really!

Northernlurker - it's not the name itself, but it's ability to drive a wedge between the BIL and his family, forcing him to 'take sides'. The SIL has no contact with her own family, her husband is close to his. SIL keeps her (emotional) distance from her husband's family, and is aware that her MIL regards her as controlling and prefers her husband's ex-fiance, who the OP is still friends with. She gave birth last Tuesday, PND could be making her feel vulnerable/paranoid and she wants to prove to herself that her husband will choose her over his family, hence forcing a confrontation of this nature making him piggy in the middle.

OP, please make sure that your BIL is not forced into such a situation. Could you suggest to him, either directly or via your DH/his brother, that PND is a possibility and that she may need support from him over and above the norm, and that you and the rest of the family will stand by them through this period? It might help to prevent a permanent schism.

At less than a week post partum it is too early to be diagnosing PND anyway. Nearly everybody totally falls to pieces at some point in their first fortnight or so. However the sil's behaviour is very far from typical baby blues.
She may well have a mental health issue - but I'm not sure PND is the correct 'diagnosis'

I hadn't thought about PND actually and if this was out of character for her, I would certainly consider it but it isn't a rare thing for her to act like this really :( I'll keep it it mind though and watch out for anything else.

BIL will not be put in a situation where he has to "choose". I think of him as a brother and would hate for anything to come between the family. Therefore I don't think there's much more that can be done if SIL will not back down and choose to call baby Belle or Issy. I will continue to call my dd3 Bella and I'll refer to DN2 as Isabelle. I don't think that's disrespectful, it is her name and it will save any confusion with the girls, on my part anyway. Whatever BIL and SIL decide to call her (and I think it'll remain Bella), is up to them. I will leave it up to MIL & FIL what they will choose to call DN but I'm guessing that MIL will stick with Isabelle and FIL tends to go along with MIL.

DH has been playing golf with BIL today and friends- no idea if he has mentioned it or what has been said as he isn't home yet. Haven't heard from SIL today but that isn't unusual. I tend to only hear from her if I contact her first. DN was supposed to be coming to a farm park today on a picnic with myself and the girls, along with my friend and her DS (invited SIL a while ago but she said she couldn't make it but DN would like to go) but BIL txt this morning to say SIL had called him when he was at the golf and said DN wouldn't be coming as she was a bit "tired and grumpy". Not sure whether she was or not but oh well, it's a shame as she would've enjoyed the day with her cousins.

I feel for SIL, I really do and I honestly try my best with her but wish I could do more to make her feel part of the family. It isn't a nice situation at all, for anyone, particularly at a time where a family should be coming together, enjoying the new baby. :( The last thing I want is for my DN1 or 2 to suffer- they are so loved by the whole family, myself my DH, my girls, MIL & FIL and even my own mum and dad adore DN1 and often have her round to play if my girls are there and I have no doubt they'll do the same with DN2. I really wish all of this hadn't happened :(

Sorry, I'm rambling on here since the girls are in bed and DH is still out. I so appreciate all of you taking the time to respond- it has really helped me and your support is greatly appreciated. Not sure how I'd be dealing with this without all of your kind words in support and the advice you've all given is really helpful.

Ruby