to not want to spend time with someone who badly bullied me as a child?

[TidyDancer]

I was quite badly bullied between the ages of about 7 and 11. It was on and off during that time, but I'd say between two and three of those years it was going on. The girl who was the leader of the people who bullied me has always been one of those sweetness and light people, no one who knows her now would ever think she had been like that, and tbh I don't think even she remembers how horrible she was to me. She has apologised to someone she bullied at secondary school, but has never apologised to me for what happened at primary school. She almost always treated me like something she'd stepped in at secondary school, but I don't think I'd class it as specific or sustained bullying, like at primary.

Anyway, now someone we both know wants to get us together. Not us specifically, but a group of people known to all of us. These are mainly school friends, but also university (etc) friends. The get together is about a six hour drive away from me and will be in a few months. I have been asked by the person organising it to give a lift to the person who bullied me. We are the only two coming from this way. I would normally get the train, but I am probably only going for one night as I think I'll only be able to get childcare for the one night.

I don't want to spend six hours in a car with this person. We have been civil to each other when we have been in the same group in recent years, but I am resentful at her for the way she treated me and the apology I never got, and I don't think I can spend that much time with her and not say anything.

I realise I'm probably being immature and I should get over this, but AIBU to refuse a lift to this person? FWIW, the train from her local to where we need to be is only one change and she can get a return ticket for probably £40.

You come across as really aggressive SPF. I have moved on yes and turned my experiences into positives.

I am well aware of the devastating affects of how it feels to be bullied but I do not assume that my experience was the same as anyone elses.

I am sorry you had a bad time and I am not trying to trivialise that in any way.

I am not suggesting the OP does have to do this. I am just saying that to say that anyone who doesn't share your opinion has no idea how it feels to be bullied is making a bit of a sweeping statement.

Thank you Sugar, and I'm really sorry for what you went through. I don't blame you for leaving the thread in light of the way you feel, it's not at all something you should be apologising for. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat.

YANBU. If your friends are good friends, I would be even bold enough to say "X was really unpleasant to me throughout school, one of us will not be safe on that journey, haha" or "X was really unpleasant.....I don't think she will feel my car is good enough for her" (only if they are good friends who can have a laugh about it).
Otherwise, the neutral honest way to say is that you are not totally sure whether you will get the car, maybe it is due for MOT/servicing/etc but that you will "probably" need to take the train.... then "decide" at the last minute to take the car! Nobody expects anyone to give 6 hour car rides to people who aren't close friends, anyway - I don't and I don't expect people to offer them to me either. Much less enemies/frenemies (thank you Gossip Girl for that new modern day word).
You sure you want to go on this outing anyway, if Evil Girl is going to be there? Could always go out with your child instead, and have some icecreams :-) You could always meet up with your school friends another time that doesn't involve "her". She reaps what she sows. You're not being unkind. You're showing you are not a doormat.

Maybe ItsCheekyTime and AngelsonHigh could give this ex-bully the six hour lift up .... quite a lot of 20% VAT and duty-added petrol to spend on an individual who could be glueing your hair from the comfort of her passenger seat .....lol.... (just injecting some lighthearted humour into some very serious people who seem very keen to lecture TidyDancer, hoho....) What makes you think she doesn't bully people at her workplace now? After all, OP hasn't seen her for ages....we don't know for sure! Hmm???

On the subject of the other people who will be there, a couple knew me (and her) back in primary school, but most are ones who knew us both in secondary school, so if I was to say something to them, the majority would only have the freezing out and looking down on me (etc) to go on in terms of how to judge. I have no desire to rehash with them how I was called chubby/fat and all those other insults and incidents that happened. They will all know I had an eating disorder, or at the very least strongly suspect it, but I don't want to see them and waste the time talking about all that.

I just want to go, spend as little time with this person as possible, and return home in one piece.

I have moved on from the years when I was bullied. But that is because I was fortunate enough to meet a man who loves me for me and who helped to build up my self esteem. And for years I have not had to live anywhere near the place where I was bullied.
But I would never live in the place again, because of the connotations. I would never attend a school reunion, because of the memories.

You're right southofthethames, she may not have changed much, I don't know enough to judge. I have seen her in group settings very infrequently, but that's it.

That's it bullet234. I have a lovely DP and two lovely DC and I am happy with them. And I would be avoiding this gathering if it wasn't happening for a very important reason. I really do want to go, but it is still very hard to see this person and I would like to limit my contact with her as much as possible.

She has asked the person organising if there's anyone who can give her a lift. don't know if she drives, but I'm guessing not. From the conversation we had, I gather the organiser had replied "Oh, Tidy is coming from your way" or something like that. Then I guess she must have got bully girl's say so to ask me. So she definitely knows where I am coming from on the day, but I don't know if she knows I've been asked yet.

from programmes i have seen on bullying, years after the bully rarely even remembers the 'victim' - obviously they will have a different perspective of the time period

so dont get yourself all worked up and then you blurt it all out and she looks at you blankly and thinks WTF, I dont even remember your name!

If this individual has turned her life around and is a diffeent person she would be
Apologising to tie and trying to pu right an w

I am probably going to be flamed for this.
I was bullied from the age of 7-11 and then on a lesser level at secondary school.
The bullying I experienced when I was at primary school did leave me with some problems, however as I have grown up I have realised that children can and do change. Not all of them bully just because they are not nice people, but because they are going through a shit time. I am not for one minute making excuses but I like to think that people can be sorry for their actions. Certainly when I met one of my bullies she was genuinely mortified for how she had behaved 35years ago.
The older bullies I have more of a problem with. Yes they might also have had problems but they also were older and should have known better.
My DS was accused (rightly so) of being a bully when he was 12. His dad had died and to be frank he was horrible to an awful lot of people - no excuse I know but it was an awful and shocking time for a whole set of reasons. I hate the thought of how he made his victims feel. i also know how my DS feels now about his behaviour and I would be devastated if he was still being punished all these later. He is now a good kind boy who has done his best to make it up to the people he tormented and is always the first one to look out for isolated kids or those in trouble.

Sorry my asterixs went a little haywire!

**years later

And if she wants you to give her a lift, the courteous thing to do would of course be to call you up and ask you herself. She's not even bothered to do that yet. Just getting someone else to do it for her. Avoid.

But the OP isn't punishing anyone.

From what I gather, she hasn't spent any time giving this woman any head space, however she does not wish to do her mahoosive favour which would force her to be in a confined space with a person who had a huge negative impact on her life.

Utterly understandable.

I'm divorced, ex was mentally and physically abusive, I dont think about him on a daily basis, he's not a part of my life anymore I can breathe easy, would I however choose to give him a lift to somewhere we were both going, hell no! Doesn't mean I hold anything against him, rather I care for my own happiness above his comfort.

It's not a life or death situation, the woman can make her own way there. Her not being able to drive up is not the OP's concern!

Just because she lives near you, does nit mean you have to give her a lift. The organiser is being very rude volunteering you. Say no your not able to, or you've decided to take the train, then take your car

Your car, you driving, your petrol your perogative

The OP does not need to give that person a lift. Just say no, no explanation needed. That person can make their own way.
If I ever had one of my school bullies in the car with me for 6hours I would get really angry as they could never appologise enough and I would be SO tempted to dump them somewhere.

I did get bullied a lot, but I could only be pushed so far then I would retaliate and I did beat up my bully when I was 15yrs old, she left me alone for a bit then. But then of course you get the bullies at work which are much more difficult to deal with.

Anyone tries to bully me now, I turn on them, might take me a long time, but I remember and don't forget.

Hope you manage to get to the get together and enjoy yourself, just say NO to any lifts back. You don't owe her anything.

Unsurevalentine - several people on this thread have said that the OP should move on, stop holding a grudge, get over it etc, and to me, that is trivialising the effect that the bullying had on the OP. I absolutely accept that it affects people differently, and people get over the effects of being bullied differently too - but as someone who works with kids who have been bullied, you must surely agree that it is up to the individual to say how they are feeling and what they think is right for them at the time - and if someone is not ready to 'get over it'/'move on', then that should be respected.

I have to say that if I had been sexually assaulted, as SugarPasteFrog was, then I might react strongly, as she has, when some posters on a thread about bullying seem to be implying that, after a certain number of years have passed, everyone should be over the bullying, and no-one could still be suffering.

As I've said on this thread - 30 years on from leaving secondary school for sixth form college I am still suffering the effects of being bullied - and there is very little likelihood that I would want to spend 6 hours driving any of the kids who bullied me anywhere!

YANBU

I was bullied by a girl for a year at the start of secondary school, there was a lot of name calling and she pulled my hair out in clumps while her little entourage cheered her on or joined in. For the rest of secondary school we were in separate classes and didn't really have much contact, nothing was ever said about what she did and there was certainly no apology.

My mum used to do tutoring and in the sixth form this girl came to her for extra tuition. I followed the 'move on, don't hold a grudge, etc' advice and this girl came into my home once a week for months. I guess I should probably feel like I was the bigger person and had moved on but I really wish I'd said something to my mum (she'd always suspected I was bullied but I never admitted it was going on at the time or afterwards - there is no way she'd have taught the girl if she knew what went on), it really grated that this girl was in my personal space and my mum was helping improve her chances of getting into her chosen university.

It's not the same for everyone but I feel very certain now that I would have felt a lot better if my mum had refused to teach her and she'd had to give some explanation to her parents as to why she couldn't get extra tuition. You certainly don't owe your ex-bully any favours even if you are happy to let sleeping dogs lie as far as getting on at this reunion goes.

Tidy you're doing the right thing by not giving a lift.
Interestingly, for the posters who say the bully will have grown up and changed (so you should forgive and forget) that isn't always the case. I went to a school reunion and wound up seated next to the ringleader of the school bullies, who hadn't changed at all and who started teasing me in a snide way over dinner. Suddenly it was as though the fifteen years had never passed! I felt exactly like the miserable schoolkid I used to be. The difference of course is that this time I was able to recognise it, push my chair back and move to the other end of the table- I can still remember how amazing that felt!