Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to spend time with someone who badly bullied me as a child?

177 replies

TidyDancer · 22/04/2011 20:46

I was quite badly bullied between the ages of about 7 and 11. It was on and off during that time, but I'd say between two and three of those years it was going on. The girl who was the leader of the people who bullied me has always been one of those sweetness and light people, no one who knows her now would ever think she had been like that, and tbh I don't think even she remembers how horrible she was to me. She has apologised to someone she bullied at secondary school, but has never apologised to me for what happened at primary school. She almost always treated me like something she'd stepped in at secondary school, but I don't think I'd class it as specific or sustained bullying, like at primary.

Anyway, now someone we both know wants to get us together. Not us specifically, but a group of people known to all of us. These are mainly school friends, but also university (etc) friends. The get together is about a six hour drive away from me and will be in a few months. I have been asked by the person organising it to give a lift to the person who bullied me. We are the only two coming from this way. I would normally get the train, but I am probably only going for one night as I think I'll only be able to get childcare for the one night.

I don't want to spend six hours in a car with this person. We have been civil to each other when we have been in the same group in recent years, but I am resentful at her for the way she treated me and the apology I never got, and I don't think I can spend that much time with her and not say anything.

I realise I'm probably being immature and I should get over this, but AIBU to refuse a lift to this person? FWIW, the train from her local to where we need to be is only one change and she can get a return ticket for probably £40.

OP posts:
Greenkit · 22/04/2011 20:49

Well it will certainly give you a chance (6 hours in fact) to tell her how you feel about her bullying. You could then dump her off at the next service station xxx

BuntyPenfold · 22/04/2011 20:55

Well, I don't think YABU, but do you want to explain to the rest of the group?
She can get herself there can't she, but might you seem a bit unkind if no one knows why you won't drive her
I was bullied by a much older and bigger girl at 8-10 and now she is crippled by arthritis, and I know I quite honestly don't care. My mother sometimes says "Poor Amy, don't you want to meet her?' etc and no, I don't.

SardineQueen · 22/04/2011 20:56

YANBU I wouldn't do it.

Life is too short to spend time trying to be "nice" and forcing yourself to spend time with people you don't like or going places you don't want to go.

Salmotrutta · 22/04/2011 20:56

Hahaha - I like Greenkit's idea.

I understand your feelings OP - I still vividly remember anyone who bullied or belittled me at school. I wouldn't give them a lift and I'd probably come up with some excuse or other so as not to make the organiser feel awkward.

YANBU by the way.

SardineQueen · 22/04/2011 20:57

Just tell 'em you're getting the train and then "decide" to drive at the very last minute.

No-one is exactly going to questioning you closely. I assume - or will they?

DioneTheDiabolist · 22/04/2011 20:58

Lie!

Tell the organiser that you are getting the train. And then when you arrive in your car say DC was poorly and you were going to cancel, but decided at the last minute to come, but drive as you might have to go home.

Then if you want to challenge her, you can do so in your own time and how you want.

AgentZigzag · 22/04/2011 20:58

It's possible it might clear away a few demons for you OP?

You'd be able to see that shitty children/teenagers don't always turn out to be like that when they're adults.

Of course it might not be the case, but she's obviously left her mark on you and you're still raw about it.

Is there a way of bringing the subject up but without any recriminations?

She might have been wanting to apologise for a while and not felt comfortable bringing up how she behaved?

If you think it'd be more trouble than it's worth though, just don't go, but I presume posting on here you're toying with the idea?

squeakytoy · 22/04/2011 20:59

I would go to the event, but I certainly wouldnt give her a lift.

I would just say you are not sure where you will be coming from that day, as you have things to do before setting off, and dont want to commit to anything.

ShimmeryPixie · 22/04/2011 20:59

I wouldn't do it either. Hell, I never return to my 'hometown' in order to ensure I never, ever, have to see the people who bullied me for almost a decade again...

Life is way too short to be giving lifts to people who have treated you badly.

Yukana · 22/04/2011 21:00

YANBU, she can get her own damn lift/transport.

I was heavily bullied by a large variety of people from the ages of 4-14 and still remember the people who did so. I don't get along with any of them and if asked to do this I'd bluntly tell them to fuck off.

Original poster
TidyDancer · 22/04/2011 21:00

I have thought about telling people. One of my friends knows how bad she was, but this friend won't be at the gathering. I think I'll probably look petty, because I'll struggle to explain how much it bothers me without seeming as though I've held a grudge for nearly 20 years over some silly childish thing. I just don't see them understanding enough for me to not look like the bad guy. I suspect I will just be expected to forgive and forget and never mention it again. I don't want to cause a scene, I just don't want to spend time with this person. Which I suspect you understand given your Amy situation, Bunty.

Tempting, Greenkit, very tempting!

OP posts:
nailak · 22/04/2011 21:01

it was soo long ago, why are you still holding it against her, she is probably totally different to how she was as a 10 year old, you might even get on as adults....

jeckadeck · 22/04/2011 21:01

I've been in a similar situation with someone who bullied me (albeit it a much more fleeting way) at secondary school, we have some mutual friends. We haven't yet been in an intimate enough situation where we've had to acknowledge one another and we studiously avoided each other. I've actually fantasized about having an opportunity to confront this person and its never really come up so a bit of me would be tempted calmly and without being vindictive to go through with it, give her the lift and treat it like personal catharsis. On the other hand that doesn't help anyone else and will potentially cause a rift with others in the group. But you could certainly be excused not wanting to give her a lift -- can't you make up some excuse?

Carrotsandcelery · 22/04/2011 21:04

I have a similar problem with a wedding that is coming up. The bully plans to be there and I dread being beside her on the table plan.

I would not drive the person in question. You are going to dread the whole thing if you do.

A car is also a very confined space to be alone with a person who has caused you so much distress.

I agree with Dione I would say I was getting the train and then change my mind at the last minute. You are not obliged to make yourself miserable for the sake of someone who has shown so little grace.

Original poster
TidyDancer · 22/04/2011 21:07

Lots of posts! Thank you everyone for responding. To answer points that have been made....

I suspect it would be good for me to have it out with her, but I don't spend much time with her usually, so I've never seriously considered it before. If I'm honest, I would rather get through this gathering as painlessly as possible, and I'm not sure confronting her would be for the best at the moment.

I am thinking about agreeing to it, because the usually nice person I try to be would not want to see anyone having to get the train if I can give them a lift. I spent many years without a car myself and dragging luggage on and off a train is not fun and to be avoided if possible.

But I just don't think I can tolerate her in the car with me. Making nice for six hours feels a bit beyond me.

OP posts:
Original poster
TidyDancer · 22/04/2011 21:10

I would almost certainly be lying about it to the others if I decided not to give her the lift, I don't feel that what she did to me and how I feel about it should sour everyone else's weekend.

Nailak, I wish it was that simple. But I'm afraid it isn't. I don't want to know her that closely.

OP posts:
BuntyPenfold · 22/04/2011 21:12

I think we as women are so conditioned to be nice, we feel guilty when we say, what the hell, why should I bother with her?
If you don't want to explain that she bullied you, you could make an excuse as others suggest, such as that you will be coming from the opposite direction that day.
Or tell her that her body odour is such that you don't want to be in a confined space with her? :)

RevoltingPeasant · 22/04/2011 21:13

Tidy

I think the idea of coming from somewhere else that day is best. It's a really minor lie, no one can check it, and you don't need to do some whole 'deciding at the last minute to drive' thing.

If I were you, I'd ask the organiser to refer Bully to you to make arrangements. Hopefully, she won't actually get around to asking you directly or will have the grace not to.

But if she does, just say quite coolly, 'Sorry, as it turns out, I'm spending the night before with a friend somewhere else and driving from there.'

Unless she has no social graces whatsoever she is not going to start telling everyone else this (and what can she tell them?) so it'll be private between you two - and your tone might just give her some kind of a clue....

RevoltingPeasant · 22/04/2011 21:16

And also, YANBU. Nailak it doesn't matter how she turned out, it matters what she did to the OP when the OP was a vulnerable child. If it had been sexual abuse by a boy the same age, would you still be suggesting the OP spend six hours in a confined space with her?

Bullying can leave real scars.

And it's not like giving her a 20-min lift into town, we're talking 6 hours. I'd be sick of almost anyone after that space of time, even family, never mind someone who made your life hell for years.

ravenAK · 22/04/2011 21:16

Also, if you give her the lift, you'll end up talking about school (since that's pretty much what you have in common).

So you'll either be grinding your teeth for 6 hours or you'll end up thrashing it out - & if that doesn't go well (say she remembers it differently/has managed to justify her behaviour to herself) then you'll turn up in a Miasma of Ill-feeling which will create an atmosphere for everyone.

White lie, definitely.

BuntyPenfold · 22/04/2011 21:24

too true, RavenAK, it is impossible not to talk about school to someone you went to school with.

IloveJudgeJudy · 22/04/2011 21:27

tidy, in your situation I absolutely would not travel for 6 hours in a car with this person. That's absolutely different from being in the same group situation at various times.

I like RevoltingPeasant's ideas. That gives you an answer for any eventuality. I hope you manage to get this sorted. I do feel for you.

neverputasockinatoaster · 22/04/2011 21:29

I was bullied by a lad at secondary school. He bullied me for years. I spent most of my time hiding from him in the classroom.

Once I was at uni I met him on a train platform. He was with his girl friend and he greeted me as if I was his long lost best friend ever. As the train came in he suggested we find seats together so we could 'chat'. I drew myself up to my full height of 5 foot nothing and said, quite calmly, "J, why in God's name would I want to chat to you? You made my life miserable for 4 years at school."
He was absolutely aghast and denied he'd treated me badly until his GF spoke up and told him that yes, he had made my life a living hell and that she wasn't suprised I wanted nothing to do with him. In his mind it was all a 'joke' and a 'laugh'...... he apologised profusely.

So, I would say no, you are not being U to not want to spend 6 hours with her.

Original poster
TidyDancer · 22/04/2011 21:32

Yes, this is what I forsee being a problem, even if I decided in advance that I'd give her the lift and sit on my feelings, the subject of school would inevitable come up and if she then didn't apologise or even address what she'd done to me, I suspect I would not be able to stop myself saying something, or getting hugely upset.

I feel silly sometimes, that something that happened to me so long ago still bothers me like this, but I don't actually think it's petty if I'm honest. What she did was sustained and cruel. And yes, it was a long time ago, but that doesn't really change the effect.

I think I'm explaining this badly....

I think I'm going to have to lie. There are plenty of ways I can lie my way out of this if I need to, I just wish I didn't have to I guess.

Thank you all so much for the replies.

OP posts:
BuntyPenfold · 22/04/2011 21:36

It would be a white lie; it is her face you are saving actually.