to not want to spend time with someone who badly bullied me as a child?

[TidyDancer]

I was quite badly bullied between the ages of about 7 and 11. It was on and off during that time, but I'd say between two and three of those years it was going on. The girl who was the leader of the people who bullied me has always been one of those sweetness and light people, no one who knows her now would ever think she had been like that, and tbh I don't think even she remembers how horrible she was to me. She has apologised to someone she bullied at secondary school, but has never apologised to me for what happened at primary school. She almost always treated me like something she'd stepped in at secondary school, but I don't think I'd class it as specific or sustained bullying, like at primary.

Anyway, now someone we both know wants to get us together. Not us specifically, but a group of people known to all of us. These are mainly school friends, but also university (etc) friends. The get together is about a six hour drive away from me and will be in a few months. I have been asked by the person organising it to give a lift to the person who bullied me. We are the only two coming from this way. I would normally get the train, but I am probably only going for one night as I think I'll only be able to get childcare for the one night.

I don't want to spend six hours in a car with this person. We have been civil to each other when we have been in the same group in recent years, but I am resentful at her for the way she treated me and the apology I never got, and I don't think I can spend that much time with her and not say anything.

I realise I'm probably being immature and I should get over this, but AIBU to refuse a lift to this person? FWIW, the train from her local to where we need to be is only one change and she can get a return ticket for probably £40.

Hi everyone. I've slept on it, and I haven't changed my mind, I don't see how I can really give the lift and be comfortable about doing it. I'm not particularly a party girl, but this will be my one night away from the DCs and I'd like to enjoy it to some degree, rather than worrying about a confrontation. From the information I have so far, the others (most of whom don't have children) will be staying either two or three nights, so I can likely avoid the lift home without much trouble, so I'm not that worried about that. As I said before, I can avoid her for the large part in a group setting, so I'm going to concentrate on not letting that get to me.

Out of curiousity, is there anyone brave enough to admit they were a bully? And if so, if you were confronted, how did you take it? I'm just wondering if I was to talk to this girl about what happened (not at the gathering), what her reaction may be.

I really appreciate all the posts on here, it's really nice of you all, I'm very grateful. [busmile]

P.S. I'm actually rather pleased that I raised this now, because this thread seems to have been quite good for others as well as myself. I'm glad others have felt able to share their memories as well, and it's good this has become about more than a car journey!

OP: As a bullied child myself I would don't bloody give her a lift. Point blank refusing will give her something to think about during the train journey. Don't dress it up in anything - such as give some convoluted reason why you can't, just refuse.

Well, I once pushed another girl under in the swimming pool
I got a huge telling off and I never did it again; I felt very small.

I'm sure we've all done something horrid in the moment though Bunty. I'm sure if enough kids were told off properly when they did something like that, there would be much less in the way of bullying, some children just don't see the consequences of their actions because they are not disciplined sufficiently. And I'm not talking about physical punishment either, because I'm 100% against that.

One of the things I learned as an adult was that you really can say NO...and don't have to do anything that you really don't want to ...or which will make you feel uncomfortable.

I don't think you have to tell any lies at all...
Be in control of the situation and just say that you won't be able to give this person a lift because of such and such. I'm sure you can think of a perfectly valid and honest reason.

It's your free choice...and then go and enjoy your time with the rest of the group...
Might be a good opportunity to tell this person (on her own mind) just how she made you feel as a child....and it would give her the opportunity to apologise to you.

I would say no. I wouldn't want to spend 6 hours cooped in a car with someone I disliked.
Different if you had met and chatted to her since then and decided you liked each other now and she had apologised, but this hasn't happened.
I would tell the person organising it if they are a friend the truth, that this person bullied you at school and you haven't spoken to her much since and don't fancy 12 hours alone in a car with her.
I think it's unreasonable for them to be suggesting a 6 hour car share for people who hardly know each other anyway.

Personally I'd tell the person who asked you to offer the lift that its not possible
If she asks for an explanation you can tell her the other woman did not like you one bit in the past and it would not be a nice journey
YOU dont have to justify why you won't put yourself out for a bully

CAn i just say yes she bullied you but it was 'AS A CHILD'

She isnt a child no more, she probably is a mother and wife herself, she has probably done a lot of growing up together and she may feel just as guilty. She might take this time in your car to apologise to you.

20 years is a bloody long time and alot changes in those years.

Iv been left school 10 years next May and iv only just started getting together with some old school friends, and their children. Some of the group bullied, bullied others in the group - ignored us at school - But we are adults now, we're not naive little children no more.

I think its just time you forgave and forgot personally. Its 20years ago, not 2 years ago.

And yes before anyone asks, 'I was bullied at school, i hated it but i got on with it and when i left school it stopped'

Now are grown women with families of our own - children can be cruel and i cant see this women intimidating you whilst you are driving - you've have the upper hand, she probably knows if she starts (which i doubt she would) then you could pull the car over and tell her to get out whereever you are.

Tidydancer - you are right not to give her a lift . It will be stressful enough to see her and know she is at the bash without having to interact with her.
No one ever seems to admit that they are the bully - either "it was just a joke/larks at school" or complete denial.

At grammar school the head of the pretty blonde girls bullied me in the early years- pinching, stealing my bag, pulling my hair,spreading rumours I was smelly, had nits etc (I came from the "poor" area while she was rich). It only ended when true to my thuggish roots I punched her (which I have always regretted having to do). At Uni I came back from a field trip to find her installed in my house share (someone had moved out while I was away). After a few drinks one night I confronted her - she claimed she had not even known me or of my existence until 6th form. I had to be mistaken. Everyone else thought she was all sweetness and light. 2 months later she told me I was ugly and that I didn't deserve my BF as he was too handsome and successful for someone like me! - do people really,really change? or do some people just bring out the worst in them.

Someone in an earlier post said that we should feel sorry for the bullies as they always have issues. That can be true but not always. The girl above's only issue was that she was used to always getting her way. However, in year 4 at primary I was beaten up rather badly and almost sexually assaulted by an older boy whilst walking back to school from lunch. I arrived at school in such a state and the teacher shouted at me so much that I eventually told her what had happened and he was caned. I knew he came from an awful background and have always felt dreadful for dobbing him in and hated having to see him around the place.
Glad I live in another country now.

My older brother was often quite mean to me and I ofetn fought with my younger sister and said mean things- is this bullying. We talk about it now and have forgiven each other - we remember that - so do bullies genuinely forget ?

I am a bit nonplussed that people don't see the devastating effect that bullying can have. If someone was raped by a peer in childhood, would they be expected to 'get over it', to now find the perpetrator, as an adult, an ok person, and just kind of forget about what happened? Yet the evidence is clear, particularly from some who have posted on here, that the effects of bullying often (usually) are absolutely devastating, causing long-term disorders (etc), crippling depression, suicidal thoughts (if not actual suicide - we'v all seen the news reports ). The consequences of bullying in the victim are often catastrophic and last a lifetime without eg professional intervention.

It's as though even the word 'bullying' conjures up teasing, or something much less significant - or, even (god forbid) the victim shouldn't take it so seriously, which makes it the victim's fault, or responsibility, to just get over it.

Did I say "bought me a diamond"? I meant "was shagging", obviously.

I'm sorry ItsCHEEKYtime, but I don't think you get it. It's not about forgiving and forgetting, it's about how it's made me feel, rather than the act of what she did. It doesn't work as simply as you think it does. Perhaps for you it did, but obviously not for the majority.

For the record, she is not a wife or mother. She lives with a partner, but they are not married and neither have children.

I don't hold a grudge, it's just not as easy as telling myself that this was so long ago that I should be over it. As you can see from my posts and many others on this thread, it's much much deeper than how you think it goes.

Drop her at the side of the m6.

Oh well go with what you think. But i just think 20yrs is a long time to hold a grudge.

I only know one person who has admitted to being a bully at school he did it in an ah sucks wasn't I bad kind of way. My DH said in a friendly way but its people like you who made my childhood hell. He then looked sheepish and said the school had made it clear that it had to stop and was unacceptable but when his parents had been informed - his Dad had said oh good on you .

He is a lovely block - and a great friend to us.

I was always told that I was too sensitivity, that exclusion and name calling were not bulling as I had not been hit. When I was hit in secondary school that it was not that I was upset by, that I was making a fuss, that it had been an accident. Basicly it was my fault.

When my first boss turned out to be a bully I blamed myself and worked crazy hours trying to win approval. I hated working and thought I was a huge failure. I did turn that round more due to luck. I found some allies or people boss had pissed off and I looked for another job. So by time I left people knew what work I had done so I got credit and I left for a better paid job.

It is always there at back of my mind - that somehow I am not worthy not likeable - something I have to fight against. I have a good life and do not dwell on the past but would not choose to spend time with any of those that bullied me. I also worry that my DC will be bullied.

It seems to be quite common from friends that people who have bullied them in the past get in touch via FB or other means. I wonder if if it is a difference in perception or if the bullied do become friends a means of down playing the harm they did. The ones they hurt would not be friends with them now if their behaviour had been that bad.

I think it is less about a grudge ItsCHEEKYTime. It more about a long term impact of self-estimate and self worth.

Yes you can and do build both back up - but it takes time and energy. Why give the bullies an opportunity to dismiss your feeling again or open up old wounds or pull you down again ?

bloke - not block obviously.

As I said, I don't hold a grudge. It's not like that at all. I'm sorry this is difficult for you to understand ItsCHEEKYtime, but it's just not as simple as you think it is. It's great that you feel you were able to get over what happened to you relatively easily, but as I've said, it's not just the bullying itself, it's what it led to, which in my case was an eating disorder, as well as a miserable childhood at the time.

There was a thread on here a couple of weeks ago about a woman who had bullied a girl at school, and how she has now apologised to the victim, many years after the fact (and profusely so, as far as I remember)

the gist of it was something like 'why can't she forgive me now?' and the replies were basically 'you've apologised, now leave her alone'

wish I could find it, it was interesting reading

and FWIW I think you are doing absolutely the right thing by refusing a lift. Raking all this up and attending an event with her there is probably upsetting enough, without a 6 hour car journey to boot

For your own wellbeing, you have to find a way to get over this.

Holding grudges will make you bittter and you will shrivel up inside.

There's a popular song out at the moment "Coming Home"

"Let the rain wash away all the tears of yesterday"

Sounds very trite I know but I think you have let this build up out of all proportion and maybe you ae using it as the excuse for every little thing that goes wrong in your life.

Have you tried to find out why this girl was bullying you?

Maybe she had things going on in her life that made her that way.

Tell her to her face that you don't like her because of the bullying at school, and for that reason you will not be giving her a lift. Also mention if anyone asks why you didn't travel together you will be honest with them.

Stop hiding from the truth.

Sometimes saying things as they are is so much better than trying to cover things up. You're being civil to this person at the moment but you resent it. You resent it because you're not being honest to yourself. Stop pampering around her and stick to the facts. She bulllied you. No wonder you don't like. Any decent friend would understand that.

Again, it's not a grudge. Sorry if that's not clear.

That's the dilemma now Journey, whether to keep the peace and say nothing, or tell the truth to whoever asks why I won't give her a lift.

I'm not interested in knowing her, I've been civil to her in the past because we have mutual friends who are innocents, but I don't have a reason or a desire to be around her, no matter what kind of person she may be now. As I said earlier, she treated me like something she stepped in up until the age of 16 (when we left school and didn't see each other). That is an age you are capable of knowing correct ways to treat people, and she still wasn't a nice person. If she is feeling guilty, it is not my place to placate that, I don't owe her an absolution.

I do want to make clear that I am not holding a grudge and I will not make a scene for the sake of embarrassing her, I would be willing to hear an apology from her, but I want no relationship with her. But I maintain, I just don't think a six hour car journey with her is in my remit.

"Holding grudges will make you bittter and you will shrivel up inside."

FGS IT IS NOT A GRUDGE!!

Ignoring it would make someone 'bitter' and 'shrivel up inside'

You people who write/say this have NO IDEA of the devastation caused by bullying and are buying into the idea that it is the victim's responsibility to 'just get over it' and 'not bear a grudge'