to not want to spend time with someone who badly bullied me as a child?

[TidyDancer]

I was quite badly bullied between the ages of about 7 and 11. It was on and off during that time, but I'd say between two and three of those years it was going on. The girl who was the leader of the people who bullied me has always been one of those sweetness and light people, no one who knows her now would ever think she had been like that, and tbh I don't think even she remembers how horrible she was to me. She has apologised to someone she bullied at secondary school, but has never apologised to me for what happened at primary school. She almost always treated me like something she'd stepped in at secondary school, but I don't think I'd class it as specific or sustained bullying, like at primary.

Anyway, now someone we both know wants to get us together. Not us specifically, but a group of people known to all of us. These are mainly school friends, but also university (etc) friends. The get together is about a six hour drive away from me and will be in a few months. I have been asked by the person organising it to give a lift to the person who bullied me. We are the only two coming from this way. I would normally get the train, but I am probably only going for one night as I think I'll only be able to get childcare for the one night.

I don't want to spend six hours in a car with this person. We have been civil to each other when we have been in the same group in recent years, but I am resentful at her for the way she treated me and the apology I never got, and I don't think I can spend that much time with her and not say anything.

I realise I'm probably being immature and I should get over this, but AIBU to refuse a lift to this person? FWIW, the train from her local to where we need to be is only one change and she can get a return ticket for probably £40.

Thank you springydaffs. You are I are cut from the same cloth I think. You get it. I think there's a minority of people who have replied, perhaps trying to help, but who just don't understand what this is actually about.

YANBU. I was bullied mostly during secondary school, all verbal. The perpetrators saw a girl who had significant social difficulties, significant interaction difficulties and used it as an excuse to constantly bully me. The one thing I am grateful for is that throughout it all I never felt the need to fit in with them, to be a part of their groups, to change who I was.
The trouble is, is that when you are being bullied then often you lack the self confidence or ability to stand up to the bullies. When you are in the position of telling them they behaved like utter little bitches (the boys as well as the girls) the refrain goes out of "oh it was years ago, how can you still be bothered about it now, don't be so petty". Whereas the truth is is that often you are not still bothered, but want a chance to say what you were unable to at the age of 14.

itscheeky and angles I gathered you have never been bullied or you would not come out with rubbish. Would you give a lift to and spend 12 hours in a car with someone you do not like. bullying can be devastating and leave deep psychological scars to the victim in years to come. It can affect how the person is as an adult in terms of self esteem and confidence.

Tidy don't knoW why you are even entertaining the idea and worrying about it, the answer should be a straight out no. You owe her nothing. You are not bearing a grudge you have been the victim of horrendous and releantless harassment. To call it a grudge is insulting the op. As an adult you hav control who you choose to be around, why should you be stuck in a car with your former bully.

Just because you live near each other. I personally could not drive properly if giving a lift to my former bully.

Yes, the good driving aspect worries me as well, piglet. Having thought about it, I can't see any way in which this is a good idea.

ANOTHER , to lie and say you dont have acess to car that weekend and will get train, then at last minute, voila, you got your car back.

A grudge", FFS, what kind of blame-the-victim bullshit is that? Mittzy put it very succinctly with: "it is not their victims place to try and validate their behaviour and/or make them feel better."

If you do this, you will feel you are "giving in" to bullying yet again, and you will feel resentful, powerless, imprisoned (even if only socially imprisoned).

It's really good to hear you shooting down these provocations, both TidyDancer and others on this thread who have shared their experiences.

TidyDancer I just wanted to say that you dont come across as if you are bearing a grudge in the least so hopefully you arent in any danger of being about to 'shrivel up inside'.

Been following this thread and am pleased you have made the decision you have. You have taken control of the situation. Well done.

What utter crap some people come out with really!

Even if she hadn't bullied you, it doesn't sound like she's got much time for you now and nor you for her.

So, why on earth should you do her a favour anyway?

Some people don't change. I'd keep well away from her and I think your reason is a very very good one.

Ignore the numpties on here who say you should just forget about her bullying. It's not about bearing a grudge - it's about learning in life and what you learned from this particular person is to stay away from her. I think you're no longer anyone's victim and you're refusing to be put in that place again.

Good for you.

It'sCHEEKYtime - have you read my post from last night, or the posts from other people who were bullied? How can you look at the pain and damage that has been caused in our lives - and the long-term consequences that we are still living with every day, and say we are holding grudges?

I have little or no self-esteem, I find it very hard to like myself, or care for myself, or to believe that others might like or even love me. I have spent many, many years not looking forward to anything, dragging myself through each day, just doing the basics - sometimes not even having the motivation to shower or brush my teeth - because of the depression caused by being bullied as a child. I am still suffering from depression, though more than a year of group psychotherapy is finally starting to help the depression lift, and I can finally feel the black dog loosening its grip on me. I have been on antidepressants for years - off and on since ds1 was born, nearly 18 years ago - and I still feel as if I am measuring out my life, one white tablet at a time. Thanks to the therapy I have been able to halve the doseage I am on, and am seriously considering halving it again this summer, and one day I may be able to live without medication - but I am so afraid that I will just slip back into the blackness again.

This is what the bullies did to me. If I didn't want to spend 6 hours in a car with one of them, why would that be me holding a grudge? I think that the OP doesn't want to spend 6 hours with her former bully because she doesn't want to reopen old wounds - wounds which I can assure you may well be very close to the surface and easy to reopen despite the years since the original bullying. Why do you think she should risk reopening the wounds?

I don't hate the boys who bullied me, or hold a grudge against them - but I am still living with the consequences of what they did.

I would get in touch with the person who bullied you and say that the organiser has asked you to provide transport but that, in view of the way you were treated by her (the bully) in the past you cannot see why she would like to spend six hours in a car with you. Pick your words carefully and you will not have actually refused to give her a lift. What might happen is that she will then apologise to you for the way she treated you. You could then say that you think she may be apologising just to have a lift and repeat that you cannot see why she would want to be in a car with you for that length of time. You can tell the organiser you have been in touch with the other woman but that it was not possible to organise a lift. If the organiser questions you further, you could then just say that you and X did not get along in the past (without going into the details of the bullying) and that although it was a long time ago, the clash was such that it seemed impossible to overcome it.

YANBU at all - I would feel the same in your position. Don't do it - why should you?

Have you ever wondered what caused her to bully you?

Was there something equally bad going on for her?

You are adults now not children, its time to put the past to rest surely?

A good way to "put the past behind her" would be to refuse something to this girl/woman! After all, six hours is a big ask for a stranger or neutral acquaintance, so the OP could have been unwilling to do it for perfectly usual reasons. And a car journey is not the time and place to "put things behind you".

YANBU TidyDancer. This woman does not deserve any courtesy from you, let her find her own way there.

I was bullied and sexually assaulted by my tormentors, it has blighted my life ever since. Everyone thinks I am a confident professional person who takes things in her stride; I have spent years perfecting that facade. Only one person has ever seen through my act, but only because she recognised a fellow sufferer. I have suicidal thoughts every single day and fight hard not to succumb. I will fight to the death to defend anyone, but I struggle to defend myself. I just don't have the self esteem. I was bullied so badly in my last job I used to vomit in the sink before my tormentor arrived. Yet in front of everyone I maintained a cool professionalism. I approached the other senior partners when things became unbearable only to be told they were aware as it had happened before. However, it was easier to let me go, putting it down to 'a clash of personalities'. I insisted on working out my full notice as I felt I couldn't let the other staff down. I also did not want her to think I was too weak to cope. It took every ounce of strength I had. I was belittled and shouted at in front of other staff and clients or totally ignored on a daily basis.

I was in a similar position to you the other month, I was due to attend a party in London with a friend. I felt I had to tread on eggshells round her constantly because she has quite an abrasive personality, and was always wary that one day her full wrath would be turned on me. Due to an upset with another of her friends, she was looking for a whipping boy and found me. I found the strength to tell her I would not be attending the party because of this, she was furious with me. For years I have taken her misdirected sniping and I've made the decision I am better off without her. It was a huge step for me and a difficult one because I find it really hard to trust anyone enough to befriend them. I hope this will lead to me being more assertive in all aspects of my life.

Pick a trusted friend to explain what your reasons are for not giving this woman a lift. Enjoy your reunion with your friends, this woman is not one of them. Have a lovely journey on your own, sing along with your happy tunes and arrive a vision of confidence and dignity!

Tidy is putting the past behind her, she is going to the meet up and is being polite and civil to her, what more do you want. she does not have to give her a lift being stuck in a tin can with someone you don't particularly know and are not really fond of. Plus she is spending money on petrol and ware and tear of her car. Why should the op put her self out and into stress for this person who made her school life he'll and affected her adult life.

I agree with others that NO of course you shouldn't feel compelled out of niceness to give her a lift. What you went through goes so deep, you can't be asked to bury that just to be social.

You don't sound at all bitter, far from it. You sound very kind and reasoned. This should be something that you should look forward to, not something you should dread because of having to be cooped up in a car with someone who makes you feel as unhappy and insecure as you did as a child. Bollocks to that. Life is too short.

I agree just lie - there is no need to make it particularly convoluted, just say you are going to go to x town first to see someone, so can't give a lift. Likewise you are stopping somewhere on the way back.

She can get the sodding train, it won't kill her.

I was never bullied at school, however I had an abusive upbringing which has left deep scars. And I chose to not have those people in my life - it is not a matter of being unable to forgive, and wishing them ill, but choosing to prefer to imagine those people as not actually existing.

sdtg I am so sorry .

Erm....I was bullied at school - and I have now moved on? You don't speak for all victims of bullying SPF .

I work with kids who are bullied and who are bullies.

oh sugar

My dd was bullied at school. She used to beg not to go. Thank christ she is as happy as a sandboy at her new school, and she goes to cadets which has done wonders for bringing her confidence back. But she was so unhappy and it does linger - thank christ though it only went on for a matter of weeks and not years.

unsure for a lot of people bullying is devastating and does impact on their adult life. The op does not have to do this person a favour and should not be made to feel bad for refusing a lift to this person. It's 6 hours in a car with her, not a lift down the local supermarket

Oh you lot really are lovely. You have no idea how much this means to have this kind of support (actually, you probably do have an idea, since there are a scary amount of us in the same boat WRT horrid childhood experiences).

I'm not giving her the lift, there are many reasons for me not to do it, and very few to actually do it. I just don't think I can.

I don't hold a grudge and I don't live in the past. I don't like her for what she did to me and who she was back then, but that certainly does not mean I am bitter or living in the past. It is quite difficult to explain this to people who have not been bullied the way many of us here have, or who have found different ways to deal with it, but rest assured, this is certainly not a choice to feel this way, it would be much easier and preferable to just let it all go and not be bothered by anything that happened prior to the age of 17, but it just does not work like that. The sheer volume of people who are still dealing with the things that happened to them 10, 20, 30 (etc) years ago goes to show just how much scarring can happen from early experiences.