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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to spend time with someone who badly bullied me as a child?

177 replies

TidyDancer · 22/04/2011 20:46

I was quite badly bullied between the ages of about 7 and 11. It was on and off during that time, but I'd say between two and three of those years it was going on. The girl who was the leader of the people who bullied me has always been one of those sweetness and light people, no one who knows her now would ever think she had been like that, and tbh I don't think even she remembers how horrible she was to me. She has apologised to someone she bullied at secondary school, but has never apologised to me for what happened at primary school. She almost always treated me like something she'd stepped in at secondary school, but I don't think I'd class it as specific or sustained bullying, like at primary.

Anyway, now someone we both know wants to get us together. Not us specifically, but a group of people known to all of us. These are mainly school friends, but also university (etc) friends. The get together is about a six hour drive away from me and will be in a few months. I have been asked by the person organising it to give a lift to the person who bullied me. We are the only two coming from this way. I would normally get the train, but I am probably only going for one night as I think I'll only be able to get childcare for the one night.

I don't want to spend six hours in a car with this person. We have been civil to each other when we have been in the same group in recent years, but I am resentful at her for the way she treated me and the apology I never got, and I don't think I can spend that much time with her and not say anything.

I realise I'm probably being immature and I should get over this, but AIBU to refuse a lift to this person? FWIW, the train from her local to where we need to be is only one change and she can get a return ticket for probably £40.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 23/04/2011 00:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 23/04/2011 00:38

'Princess, you have never been bullied or you wouldn't say that'

I don't agree that she won't remember bullying you, but I can see what Princess is saying in the other part.

I wouldn't like the person I was when I left home to be the person I'm judged on.

I'm a totally different person, it's not that I've changed as in a leopard changing his spots, it's that circumstances have changed and I've learnt to cope with life.

I was bullied relentlessly all the way through school, but I can understand that the people who did it haven't necessarily stayed as they were when they were children.

pigletmania · 23/04/2011 00:38

6 hours in a car with your former bully is a long time, you can move on by being civil but she can alternative arrangements like everyone else, if she can't then she can't go simples

MadamDeathstare · 23/04/2011 00:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 23/04/2011 00:42

True MadamDeath.

scottishmummy · 23/04/2011 00:45

op you are not obliged to pretend all water under bridge,to salve bully social conscience. this has provoked memories which are real and profound for you.and you are under no obligation to extend favour to someone who bullied you just because she is grown up adult now. also you don't owe anyone a protracted rl explanation either as to why you will not give her a lift

take care,give this some thought but don't give it so much time that it impinges

pigletmania · 23/04/2011 00:50

Agree scottishmummy why should you forgive and forget now your adults. If she makes you tense just her being in the same room just imagine being in the car for six hoursvwuth her and you driving, not good. You owe her nothing

Original poster
TidyDancer · 23/04/2011 00:50

I accept she may well be a completely different person now, but it's hard to take that into account without an apology from her. The age I knew her at (basically 5-16), she was fully able to know right from wrong and what an acceptable way to treat people was.

OP posts:
Bumblequeen · 23/04/2011 00:51

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 23/04/2011 00:57

I'm not arguing on behalf of bullies, but the reason for seeing them as adults who have changed is for the victim of the bully to lay some of it to rest.

It's only my opinion, and considering the fact that bullying has (mis)shaped me into the person I am now, what good does it do anyone being angry at the child the person was?

Nothing.

It just backs up that powerless feeling you had when you were a child.

(sorry, nothing much to do with the OP)

Original poster
TidyDancer · 23/04/2011 01:04

I know you're not Agent, and in principle I do agree with you. I think if I was to confront her at some point, it would be for the exact reason you specify.

OP posts:
MillyR · 23/04/2011 01:08

I don't think what kind of person the bully has become is going to have much impact on the person who was bullied. Why should they care about the personal development of someone they no longer know?

You are still the person you were as a child. However much your behaviour has changed, you still did the things you did and are responsible for them. The person who was bullied has every right to still be angry at the person who bullied them. They are under no obligation to get to know the person as an adult just because that person doesn't want to be judged on past behaviour.

If someone really doesn't want to be judged on past behaviour, they contact that person and apologise for what they did.

AgentZigzag · 23/04/2011 01:09

But in your own time, and on your own terms tidy.

It's the out of control thing I just won't put up with any more, it made me angry for quite a while after, but now I'm just indifferent.

I won't let them hurt me now, that's my choice.

CheerfulYank · 23/04/2011 01:19

You could just say "oh, that's not going to work."

Simple, true, and to the point.

scottishmummy · 23/04/2011 01:19

psycho-babble notion of resolution through challenging bully is v precarious and relies upon the bully taking it all in,reflecting and their being some metaphorical and emotional weight lifted off shoulders.well frankly,why bother? compartmentalise this,don't let it hurt you any more,and dont give her a lift

op doesn't need to ponder what kind of woman is the bully now.whether or not she has matured and mellowed.

CheerfulYank · 23/04/2011 01:26

Sorry, only read the first page before I posted, didn't see that my "fabulous advice" had already been given out by MadamDeathstare.

BitOfFunnyBunny · 23/04/2011 01:27

I wouldn't spend six hours in a car with anyone who hadn't bought me a diamond.

AgentZigzag · 23/04/2011 01:31

I agree that it needs to be compartmentalised away from your everyday life SM, but for some people (not me anymore) if your experiences impact on you all the time, what the 'bully' is like years later does come to mind.

It's usually to the questions bullied people can constantly ask of 'why me?' 'what did I do that provoked this?' 'was I so different and disgusting a person that I deserved this treatment?'.

It does relieve some of it to think that the person was obviously distressed themselves in some way or that it was just children being children.

It's easy for me to say I don't let it touch me now, but it's the process of how you get to that point that's important.

flimflammery · 23/04/2011 01:33

YANBU - why on earth would you want to give her a lift? Just so that you are seen as 'nice'? Sod nice! 'Nice' has a lot to answer for. You could see this as practice in 'not being nice'.

kiwimumof2boys · 23/04/2011 07:13

OK, were you asked by organiser by email ?
Reply:
"Hi organiser,
Sorry I am not able to give Bully a lift. Look forward to seeing you in a few weeks, anything you would like me to bring/do etc for this event?"
Cheers,
Tidy Dancer."
No lies, no explanation. Simple as that. If organiser asks you in person, ie phones you at home or something, just repeat, 'sorry, I'm not able to' if she keeps persisting. Then change subject. You are not obliged to give any info.
Intersetingly enough, I saw this horrible girl - not bully to me personally, just a horrible b!tch - at library yesterday - was with a friend and my kids in the cafe play area, this girl used to be so beautiful and thin but man she has changed ! fat as and wearing clothes that were 2 sizes too tight not that I'm a b!tch of course
Good luck !

kiwimumof2boys · 23/04/2011 07:13

oops sorry about bold

faymous · 23/04/2011 09:23

I can see you point. A girl I went to school was a bully. She was horrible to me (though it wasn't for long). I won't even add her on a certain social site. I certainly wouldn't want to spend six hours with her on a car. I would either tell the truth to the organiser. Or I would do what the other MNers suggest (lie). If she was a decent person she would have said sorry to you by now!!!

pigletmania · 23/04/2011 09:38

The op can move forward b being civil and polite to this person, and doing it in her own way and time, not to be railroaded into giving her a lift. I would not want to spend six hours in a car with dh or my close friend, let alone my ex bully who made life he'll at school for me. Just reply that your sorry but you cannot give this person a lift.

MittzyTheMinx · 23/04/2011 09:44

AgentZigZag, I agree with you actually, in that of course these people may change and mostly (hopefully) go on to be good wholesome individuals.

But that doesn't mean the people they made miserable in the past have to embrace them. Apologies do help, if sincere but it doesn't erase the damage done.

In the sixth form I was the butt of a sexual 'joke' for nearly 13 people. Which was ultimately supposed to culminate in a ritual humiliation at a party if one of the group hadn't lost their bottle and told me.
I hope they have families, children who they value, make valid contributions to society etc
But NO. I do not want to engage with them.

I even understand through therapy what makes bullies act the way they do, and it can be sad. But it is not their victims place to try and validate their behaviour and/or make them feel better.

I don't so much ponder on the kind of person they were or what made them pick me but have had to live with the damage it did. And the patterns it and other things set for my life, that now at 41 I am painfully trying to unpick and reclaim my life.

I am sorry TidyDancer, I think this subject resonates with so many people and it is so hard to merely be objective and not draw on ones own personal experiences to reply.

EasterEggsHaveNoCalories · 23/04/2011 09:47

Do you have to give her a lift back as well? If you mention the bullying to her it could end up in an almighty row so I'd avoid close contact with her. I would say don't give her a lift because you don't owe her anything and I would find it hard to be stuck in a car with someone I liked for that long! I sometimes bump into cows girls from school who were complete bitches weren't that friendly at the time and they are all over me like a rash. I'm dismissive polite but wonder why they have to be so over friendly to someone they haven't seen for over 20 years.

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