Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to spend time with someone who badly bullied me as a child?

177 replies

TidyDancer · 22/04/2011 20:46

I was quite badly bullied between the ages of about 7 and 11. It was on and off during that time, but I'd say between two and three of those years it was going on. The girl who was the leader of the people who bullied me has always been one of those sweetness and light people, no one who knows her now would ever think she had been like that, and tbh I don't think even she remembers how horrible she was to me. She has apologised to someone she bullied at secondary school, but has never apologised to me for what happened at primary school. She almost always treated me like something she'd stepped in at secondary school, but I don't think I'd class it as specific or sustained bullying, like at primary.

Anyway, now someone we both know wants to get us together. Not us specifically, but a group of people known to all of us. These are mainly school friends, but also university (etc) friends. The get together is about a six hour drive away from me and will be in a few months. I have been asked by the person organising it to give a lift to the person who bullied me. We are the only two coming from this way. I would normally get the train, but I am probably only going for one night as I think I'll only be able to get childcare for the one night.

I don't want to spend six hours in a car with this person. We have been civil to each other when we have been in the same group in recent years, but I am resentful at her for the way she treated me and the apology I never got, and I don't think I can spend that much time with her and not say anything.

I realise I'm probably being immature and I should get over this, but AIBU to refuse a lift to this person? FWIW, the train from her local to where we need to be is only one change and she can get a return ticket for probably £40.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 22/04/2011 21:41

YANBU. Maybe you can be generally civil to her if you're at the same gathering, but 6 hours is a step too far by a long chalk.

as for " I've held a grudge for nearly 20 years over some silly childish thing", I wouldn't put bullying into the category of silly or childish - as Peasant says, bullying leaves real scars and can be very hard to get over. To be giving her a lift would be denying it ever happened - I'm not encouraging you to bear a grudge but to honestly face the impact of what happened: of course you wouldn't want to be pally with her!

Worried about the white lie of arriving from somewhere else - you may be required to take her back and could be put on the spot. Please don't sweep what happened under the carpet Tidy - I hate to say it but spending 6 hours with her, particularly as there hasn't been an apology, could open up old wounds and leave you in a mess all over again Sad

Mandy2003 · 22/04/2011 21:43

At secondary school I was bullied by a particular group of girls in the year above me. Imagine my horror when I was 17 and got an agency catering job in a works canteen and the head cook turned out to be - the ringleader of those bullies!!

Well, I thought she could act mature in a workplace and I gave her a wide berth but one day when I was cleaning out the chip fryer I went to dispose of the waste oil, shut the drainage tap, returned with fresh oil and refilled it only to find it pouring straight back out through the tap which was now open. Well, I think you can guess who'd done that!

But karma dictates...a year or so after I'd left the job I found out she'd come off the back of a moving motorbike on which she was passenger and was severely injured.

lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 22/04/2011 21:43

I had something happen a few years back. I work in the community and one of the girls who bullied me belonged to a group I was running. She would come talk to me, always nice but I could never forgive her. I knew I had to be the bigger person, and just be nice. I did bring it up once and she refused to reconize what she did. (she bullied me for years and even poured juice all over me in the middle of town, spat at me, followed me home shouting nasty stuff, pushed and kicked me and even wrote nasty things on walls about me)

:(

some people clearly have no idea what their actions do to other :(

piprabbit · 22/04/2011 21:45

If you don't want to risk everything spilling out at the reunion, then you might want to try and have the bullying conversation with this woman in advance, at a time and in a place of your choosing. You could meet with her, or you could send an email or make a phonecall.
Start by asking her if, in the light of the fact that she bullied you throughout primary school, she is seriously planning to accept a 6 hour lift from you? If not, then she can make her excuses as to why she is not accepting the lift. If she is planning to accept the lift, then say you expect a full apology first.

hmc · 22/04/2011 21:47

I think if you possibly can - it would be really cathartic for you to tell this person exactly what you think and have it out. Via letter if you can't face it in person

ZhenXiang · 22/04/2011 21:50

YANBU -

I was badly bullied at school and rang into the ring leader a few years later whilst shopping with a friend. She tried to play niceties and act like nothing had ever happened. I told her exactly what I thought of her and that I saw no point in trying to pretend to be nice after what she did to me. When I went to pay the shop assistant asked me what was up, so I told them and they refused to serve her. Was like getting my power back after all she took from me.

Why pretend? Six hours with someone you don't like and have no good feelings towards in order to save them money and at the expense of your feelings. Let her make her own way it is bad enough that you have to see her and be civil, especially as she has never apologised for her behaviour.

MadamDeathstare · 22/04/2011 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare · 22/04/2011 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare · 22/04/2011 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skybluepearl · 22/04/2011 21:57

maybe see her as being deeply unhappy and having problems during her childhood. Bullies have lots of personal issues and i wonder what hers were? you could always talk to her at some point and explain that she made your primary school life very unhappy but i would bow out of giving her a lift. maybe say you were planning to train it but then changed your mind at last min so you could whizz home if nes.

BuntyPenfold · 22/04/2011 21:58

MadamDeathstare [bugrin]

MadamDeathstare · 22/04/2011 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare · 22/04/2011 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pancakeflipper · 22/04/2011 22:04

6 hrs, nah. She can make her own way there.

Don't feel guilty. It wouldn't be issue if she hadn't bullied you. But she did, it hurt. If you fancy 'laying ghosts to rest' do it on the way back so it doesn't ruin the actual event.

Original poster
TidyDancer · 22/04/2011 22:06

You're all completely right, I just feel major guilt with things like this. Which is ridiculous, I know.

I won't give her the lift I don't think. As you have all pointed out, it is likely to cause more problems than it will solve them, and for my one night away from the DCs, I would like to have a certain amount of relaxation!

I would be civil to her in the group setting, but not overly friendly. I'm not interested in forming a friendship with her.

Thank you all again. :)

OP posts:
Original poster
TidyDancer · 22/04/2011 22:07

MadamDeathstare, I enjoyed those pics muchly! [bugrin]

OP posts:
toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 22/04/2011 22:07

agree, don't feel any requirement at all to give her a lift. stand up for yourself over this and you will feel much better.

[bugrin] at madamdeathstare, name imitates life!

plupedantic · 22/04/2011 22:12

It's so sad that you are feeling vulnerable and, yes, bullied, or indanger of being bullied again with this.

Definitely don't give the lift, and lie as little as possible about why you're not doing it (best of all, don't engage, as MadamDeathstare suggests). You are in a position to re-enact the relationship in a different way now, so you would be really wronging yourself to do her a favour and submit to being made uncomfortable by her/in her presence.

The other people's reactions are not important. Just think that bystanders didn't help you in primary school, and even though these are not necessarily the same people, it's not up to you to "spare" them. Can your friend, who is not going to be there, lean on someone, manufacture an opportunity to say, "You can't ask X to spend 6 hours in a car with Y. There's history there, and it's just not fair on X. Let Y sort herself out; she's a grown woman." There is no need to elaborate; indeed, the organiser might be too embarrassed to ask (though eaten alive with curiosity and tempted to speculate).

OldMumsy · 22/04/2011 22:16

I would love to meet the bullies I endured at school now as I could laugh at their stupid inconsequencial lives from a position of success, if I could be arsed that it.

Original poster
TidyDancer · 22/04/2011 22:20

The friend who knows doesn't have any real contact with anyone that's going to be at this thing, which is a shame as that would be an interesting way to get out of this. There is another friend who I have mentioned something to in the past, and she reacted very embarrassed, because she remembered what happened and suspected she may have been somehow at fault for the way I felt. She was partially right, but she has nothing to do with the bully now either, and has apologised for what happened. She will be out of the country when the gathering happens though, so hasn't been contacted about it.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 22/04/2011 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hairfullofsnakes · 22/04/2011 22:23

What is she like NOW as a person?! Few of us are like out ten year old selves. You should talk to her, she would probably be mortified at how affected you are by it and by how it hurt you. I bet she has blocked a lot of it. I think you really should clear the air and talk to her. See what she says.

RevoltingPeasant · 22/04/2011 22:27

Yeah Tidy on second thoughts I think MadamDS's advice is best: 'I don't think that will work' or similar.

The problem with what I said earlier about pretending to have been someone else the night before is as a PP said that you might get asked to give her a lift back.

plupedantic that is a really good point about not sparing other people.... They aren't your responsibility; you are.

RevoltingPeasant · 22/04/2011 22:28

somewhere else Blush

microserf · 22/04/2011 22:59

YANBU, find a way not to drive her. There are some good suggestions on this thread.

Life is too short to spend this amount of time with someone who was cruel to you and has shown no remorse. You owe her nothing. Also, don't feel guilty for prioritizing yourself and your own well being. As for the arguments blah blah we were children then or it might be cathartic - you don't have the time or interest from the other party to resolve these issues before the trip and a 6 hour car trip is not the place to try.