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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to spend time with someone who badly bullied me as a child?

177 replies

TidyDancer · 22/04/2011 20:46

I was quite badly bullied between the ages of about 7 and 11. It was on and off during that time, but I'd say between two and three of those years it was going on. The girl who was the leader of the people who bullied me has always been one of those sweetness and light people, no one who knows her now would ever think she had been like that, and tbh I don't think even she remembers how horrible she was to me. She has apologised to someone she bullied at secondary school, but has never apologised to me for what happened at primary school. She almost always treated me like something she'd stepped in at secondary school, but I don't think I'd class it as specific or sustained bullying, like at primary.

Anyway, now someone we both know wants to get us together. Not us specifically, but a group of people known to all of us. These are mainly school friends, but also university (etc) friends. The get together is about a six hour drive away from me and will be in a few months. I have been asked by the person organising it to give a lift to the person who bullied me. We are the only two coming from this way. I would normally get the train, but I am probably only going for one night as I think I'll only be able to get childcare for the one night.

I don't want to spend six hours in a car with this person. We have been civil to each other when we have been in the same group in recent years, but I am resentful at her for the way she treated me and the apology I never got, and I don't think I can spend that much time with her and not say anything.

I realise I'm probably being immature and I should get over this, but AIBU to refuse a lift to this person? FWIW, the train from her local to where we need to be is only one change and she can get a return ticket for probably £40.

OP posts:
kisschase · 22/04/2011 23:16

YAVDNBU - I know I couldn't do it.

I was bullied for the last 3 years I was at secondary school and I can not and will not ever forgive that group of "young ladies" and the thought of spending 6 hours in a car with any of them makes me feel physically ill.

The fact that 4 of them have sent me friend requests on FB with cheery messages, completely baffles me, considering the appalling things they did . . .

Curiousmama · 22/04/2011 23:21

no YANBU it's way too long to spend in a small space with someone you just dislike never mind detest! If you can't let it go though for yourself maybe tell her how she made you feel? Although I'm sure she does know. If she has dcs herself she'll be hoping they don't cross paths with anyone liker herself as a child.

masterblaster · 22/04/2011 23:31

Grin at oldmumsy

I'd be the same at a reunion with my old bully...

"Bully me for getting top grades, would you, whilst you were larking around talking about what a twat I was for working hard at school. Who's got the big fucking house now? And you are fucking bald." (I know about the baldness through a friend on FB). Hah! I WIN. probably still has issues

Original poster
TidyDancer · 22/04/2011 23:34

The thing is, I am generally a positive person, I don't think about this woman or who she and I were very much, but just the thought of spending that much time with her is enough to set me on edge. And on the occasions I have seen her since we left school, I have tensed up when I've known she's in the room, and that's not like me at all.

I'm sorry that there's so many of us who have memories like this, in one way it's good to know you're not alone, but at the same time, it's so bloody sad and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Kisschase, I've had FB friend requests from a few people who were involved with the bullying, including this woman. It's quite odd how they think adulthood suddenly erases what happened in the past. Sometimes it's a guilt thing, at least that's what I think.

OP posts:
StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 22/04/2011 23:36

Nailak - as RevoltingPeasant says, it doesn't matter how long ago it was or whether she has changed - bullying leaves very real scars.

I was verbally bullied and excluded at secondary school for the whole 5 years I was there - my life was a misery, and I hid as much as possible from the kids who were bullying me - and spent all of my time looking over my shoulder, dreading the next time I would see one or more of them.

By the time I was fourteen, I was suicidal - if I had had ready access to tablets, I would have killed myself - I do remember trying to cut my wrists with my penknife, but thankfully it was way too blunt.

I am still suffering from the legacy of depression and low self-esteem that the bullying has left me with. I eat far too much and don't care about myself enough to make myself healthy food or to exercise. And I never believe that people actually like me or want to be my friend - I worry that they are talking about me behind my back, or are just being friendly because they are sorry for the fat loser.

I have been on antidepressants for the best part of 17 years - the depression came out as post-natal depression after the birth of each of the dses, and marred my experience of motherhood - and I worry that I have damaged them because they have had to live with a depressive parent.

Thankfully now I am in a psychotherapy group, and the black fog is starting to lift. One day I may actually look forward to social interactions rather than dreading them - I may like myself - maybe even enough to lose weight - I may forgive myself for not standing up to the bullies - or forgive my mum for brushing me off so thoroughly when I tried to tell her about it, that I never tried again - I honestly didn't think she would back me up or support me if I went to the teachers and there was a backlash. Perhaps one day I will be able to enjoy my life.

This is what bullying does, Nailak - and this is why I do NOT think that the OP is being at all unreasonable when she doesn't want to spend 6 hours in a car with her bully. Not to mention, if she does get upset (and I know I would get upset if I were face to face with the kids who bullied me), she will be driving a car - and that would not be safe for her, the bully or other people on the road.

Original poster
TidyDancer · 22/04/2011 23:53

SDTG, that resonates with me so much. I'm so sorry you went through that. :(

I have previously suffered with an eating disorder which in large part was a consequence of the bullying I went through (I didn't have an entirely good home life either). Having a bully call you chubby at seven years old is not something you forget. Even now, I find it excruitatingly painful to discuss any diet or weight issues with people because I can't bear the thought they would say something not positive (and having recently had a baby, my body isn't wonderful!).

I'm generally able to see positives in my life, but I take criticism far more personally than I should. There is no doubt in my mind that this stems from my childhood, and therefore the bullying. Even though I can logically tell myself that I'm a nice person and I don't have to feel the way I do, that doesn't change the fact that I do feel it.

OP posts:
OrangeBernard · 22/04/2011 23:55

Yanbu.

MillyR · 22/04/2011 23:59

I've had two people who bullied me at school contact me via email wanting to stay in contact. One wrote to me with various stories of quite tragic things that had happened to her in adult life. They both had an approach of, remember when X fun thing happened. They clearly had a very different perspective on what the interaction was between us than I do, and I assume must have had some energy invested in that bullying to make me so important to them that they would want to contact me 15 years later as if we were good friends at school.

So goodness knows what goes on in the heads of these people, and you really have no idea how she will respond to you, OP. I would find an excuse not to give her the lift.

I don't really understand HFOS comment about most people not liking their 10 year old selves. I'd assume most people do - it is actually quite a nice time in most peoples lives, but perhaps I assume incorrectly.

springydaffs · 23/04/2011 00:04

bullying is so fucking evil isn't it Angry

MittzyTheMinx · 23/04/2011 00:07

SDTG, your post sums up my thoughts and I am actually very grateful for this thread.
I spend a lot of time feeling guilty that I should be able to forgive and move on from bullying and abuse. That because it was years ago I should be a bigger, better person and be able to see that time has passed and they might have changed.

But no, a scar is a scar, and when you have lived with the aftermath of bulling, and the way it scrambles everything I don't think you are being immature OP.

Bullying amongst other things has left me with such social disabilities that no, I can not forgive.
One (now) man in particular lives nearby and for a very long time if I saw him I would start to fall apart inside. Therapy and other things have taken that away, but when I see him now he just doesn't exist. As doesn't the girl who hacked at my hair. Or the man who sexually harassed me because it was fun to see me squirm and blush. Or others.

Whatever reason you give TidyDancer , you should feel no guilt or anything about not giving her a lift. You don't owe her in any way, you are simply opting to not let her into your life anymore than you choose to. Like a piece of clothing you don't wear anymore, you can take it off, discard it, recycle it, send it to a charity shop because it simply doesn't fit or suit you anymore.
And you might find it quietly liberating afterwards x

Original poster
TidyDancer · 23/04/2011 00:10

It really is, springdaffs. I would be bloody devastated if one of my DCs was ever a bully.

OP posts:
Original poster
TidyDancer · 23/04/2011 00:12

Thank you Mittzy. Well done for coming through it how you have, it just royally sucks you ever went through what you did at all. :(

OP posts:
pigletmania · 23/04/2011 00:19

Yanbu at all, I wouldn't do it. If asked explain to the person that she bullied you at school, though you will be civil to het there is bossy you want to give her a lift

princessparty · 23/04/2011 00:19

I think YAB a bit U. I know I am a completely different person to the one I was at 16 let alone 7-11.She probably can't even remember bullying you. On the other hand the big advantage of being an adult is that you don't have to put up with people you don't like!

springydaffs · 23/04/2011 00:19

"Like a piece of clothing you don't wear anymore, you can take it off, discard it, recycle it, send it to a charity shop because it simply doesn't fit or suit you anymore."

I LIKE that! Brilliant! Smile

princessparty · 23/04/2011 00:19

not that i was a bully I hasten to add!

springydaffs · 23/04/2011 00:20

Princess, you have never been bullied or you wouldn't say that Sad

scottishmummy · 23/04/2011 00:25

prioritise your own needs,dont allow bad memories from childhood to revisit you in adulthood.you are under no obligation to extend self or friendship to someone who caused you such anguish.take care and dont let her permeate into your adult life.dont give her a lift,she can make alternative arrangements

if your paths do cross socially be cordial but no dont seek answers or seek to challenge her. digging stuff up isnt purposeful and wont necessarily resolve or amend.

Original poster
TidyDancer · 23/04/2011 00:26

Unfortunately, Princess, her possibly not remembering doesn't change the fact that it happened. Besides, given the sustained nature of what went on, along with her coldness and what was probably borderline bullying of me during secondary school, it's doubtful she doesn't remember.

I really do wish it was as simple as saying that she's possibly a different person now, and potentially doesn't remember. While that may explain the lack of apology (even though I'm as certain as I can be that she does remember), it doesn't change what she did.

OP posts:
Original poster
TidyDancer · 23/04/2011 00:27

Thank you scottishmummy.

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pigletmania · 23/04/2011 00:28

Exactly Princess,so therefore thecop does not have to give her a lift, why should she. I remember being bullied at primary school and would never do a favour for them, though if I had to save their life I would. I am still human with a heart

pigletmania · 23/04/2011 00:31

Tidy I am sure she remembers but may choose not to

Bumblequeen · 23/04/2011 00:33

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Bumblequeen · 23/04/2011 00:36

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TidyDancer · 23/04/2011 00:36

Piglet, I suspect you're exactly right. It's convenient for people like her to 'erase' memories to suit. She would know about my eating disorder, as just one look at me would've told anyone something wasn't right. I don't think anyone would want to think they somehow had a hand in something like that. But again, it doesn't change anything does it? I'd love to dismiss what happened, but it's too ingrained.

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