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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset about OH looking at porn??

342 replies

flamingoagogo · 18/04/2011 17:21

Caught him out the other night, its not the first time either. Have been v.pissed off each time & always results in a row, but just so happens i am PG atm so feels worse. I hate the thought of it, like he's cheating (i know its not as bad as that but he is kind of 'being intimate' with another woman, even if shes not really real). Makes me feel inadequate etc etc. AIBU to feel so hurt?

OP posts:
Malificence · 19/04/2011 12:54

Carmina , nobody is denying that it's human nature to enjoy looking at attractive bodies, looking at a naked body isn't the same as watching someone get fucked every which way by anything up to half a dozen men, which is pretty standard in very mainstream porn, double penetration plus a penis in her mouth is also normal, everyday porn, as is being ejaculated over by all the male participants.
That's what normal men are getting off to every single day, research has proved that men do get desensitised to the images and it alters their perceptions of women and sexual relationships.

MrSpoc · 19/04/2011 13:03

Not this topic again.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WATCHING PORN.

Yes there are some very dodgy / seedy areas in the posrn industry but that is the same for all walks of life.

Most (not all) women & men go into the industry eyes open, making thier own choice.

Malificence - and the standard is not a group of blokes going through 1 girl. i should know, I enjoy watching porn as do most men i know and guess what most women enjoy it too.

Now porn where a woman is degreded / abused is not on and should have a full ban inplace.

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 19/04/2011 13:03

'Of these men, many, if not most, are not women-haters'

I think this is true as well which is why I think so many must be either naive or completely in denial about the fact that there is so much abuse in the industry.

I had a boyfriend once who had (before he met me) visited a prostitute at a time when he knew nothing at all about the existence of trafficking. Once he found out that there was a possibility the woman he had shagged might not have been doing it willingly, he was horrified and decided, obviously, that he wouldn't do it again.

that is how I would expect the normal and average man to act once they become aware of the reality behind apparently consensual porn. What I find harder to understand is why so many people are closing their ears to the reality.
Of course, I might be naive and men don't give a shit about the reality for the performers, just like some of the women on this thread don't.

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 19/04/2011 13:05

So MrSpoc, as a porn user, how do you make sure that the stuff you are watching was ethically produced?

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 19/04/2011 13:11

also MrSpoc, if a producer/distributor does vile gangrape abusive stuff, are you happy to watch the less hardcore stuff by the same people, or do you try to avoid giving them your custom?

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 19/04/2011 13:14

This is an excellent and very shocking book for people who want to know more about the porn industry and why so many of us have a problem with it.

MrSpoc · 19/04/2011 13:16

sethstarkaddersmackerel - what a stupid question.

Yes the porn industry has a bad rep but most of it is legal and above board. There are plenty of pron channels on sky tv and I am sure sky tv would not want to be associated with a dodgy company.

Now how do you know so much about the big nasty porn industry? Did you read it all in the newspaper and may be one article from a disgrutled ex porn star?

MrSpoc · 19/04/2011 13:19

I also like to watch Jena Jameseson who you could say has never been exploitred in porn but has made millions out of the industry. She has also won many awards in the indsutry.

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 19/04/2011 13:21

you have a very idealised view of Sky TV!
are you saying you only watch it on Sky and wouldn't touch porn on the internet?

the reality is that there isn't an awful lot of comeback for women who work in the industry - if they are raped on set there is not a lot of point, frankly, in them calling the police, I'm sure everyone can see why.

and of course employing women who are in porn because of a drug habit or history of childhood sex abuse is perfectly legal; are you comfortable with wanking to it though?

Malificence · 19/04/2011 13:26

Jenna Jameson was gang raped as a very young woman. Sad

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 19/04/2011 13:27

Jenna Jameson has had a very hard life; she was gangraped at 16 and had drug problems for quite a lot of her career. I presume you are knew all that.

Financially she is exceptional in the industry; people often mention her as if she is typical but she is not.
Do you only watch her or do you watch the actresses who may be more financially desperate as well?

MrSpoc · 19/04/2011 13:28

sethstarkaddersmackerel - if they are raped then they have just as much comeback as any other man/women. Are you saying that the police will not pursue the claim because she is a pron star and would of been paid for the privilage? If this is what you are saying then I think you are very wrong.

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 19/04/2011 13:29

I think you are mind-bogglingly naive.

MrSpoc · 19/04/2011 13:29

Malificence - yes she was but do you not find it inspiring how well she has done and turned it all around? She knows what happended to her was wrong and very bad and yet she has carved an amazing career for her. Good on her I say.

Malificence · 19/04/2011 13:29

Have you watched the "Felicity" documentary Mrspoc?
If not, I suggest you do.

MrSpoc · 19/04/2011 13:31

sethstarkaddersmackerel - i am not naive i just do not have the same opinions as you.

I like porn you dont big deal. I am not naive to think that ALL women in the trade are beeing abused and are held against there will and that they are all drugged up sex slaves. Some women choose this career for the money they can earn.

Malificence · 19/04/2011 13:42

How do you know whether the women in the porn you use are on drugs or are doing things they really don't enjoy, or is even physically damaging them?

It's the nasty stuff that pays more, if they want the big money, they have to do it, men are not immune to abuse either, lots of straight men are coerced into doing "gay for pay" porn , I remember seeing a documentary about a young couple who both do porn, he admitted he had to blank out having sex with men, he hated it, but it was good money. Sad

MrSpoc · 19/04/2011 13:47

Malificence - stupid question. How do you know they are? How do you know the person serving you in tesco's is not on drugs, being forced to do they job by their mum in order to pay for rent?

You could use that argument about everv walk of life.

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 19/04/2011 13:49

MrSpoc - no-one has said all the women in porn are on drugs or not consenting. What you can't deny is that a proportion (a worryingly large proportion) are.
That is why I asked you how you personally make sure that the women in the particular bits of porn you use aren't being abused or doing it as a result of child sex abuse or a drug problem.

or do you not actually care and are comfortable with the idea that from time to time you might well end up wanking to a woman being raped?

you are mind-bogglingly naive if you think a woman who is raped or abused during a porn shoot is going to get taken seriously by the police.

Malificence · 19/04/2011 13:50

Yes, sitting on a till in Tesco ( there is no s!) is exactly like being fucked by stangers in front of a film crew.

At least try to present a coherent argument FFS.

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 19/04/2011 13:52

they don't shag women in Tescos.
I'm sure a proportion of people working on the till there wish they weren't but it doesn't exactly invade your boundaries in the same way as rape does.

MrSpoc · 19/04/2011 13:53

sethstarkaddersmackerel - how do you know a proprtion of the industry are? you are just guessing.

EngelbertFustianMcSlinkydog · 19/04/2011 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 19/04/2011 13:59

No I'm not guessing MrSpoc, see the Gail Dines book I have linked earlier for some of the research. It's all pretty worrying when you look at the scale of it.
I would love to be able to be all happy and liberal about porn but the evidence is pretty clear that many people are being badly damaged by it.

MrSpoc · 19/04/2011 14:00

It is coherent because they are both legal jobs. they are both being paid to do a job for money.

I have said that some of the porn industry has a bad name but that is the same for all walks of life. If you can make money it will attract some very inscrupulous people.

At the same time I am realistic, I enjoy watching porn and do not feel bad about it. You do not that is your choice.

Do i know that the other person has not been forced or is not on drugs? Know i dont but then again i try and watch the stuff on the likes of channel 5 and sky tv. The drugs argument does not hold much water with me as everyone I know has tried drugs to some degree (coke, weed, a tab) its just the same as alcohol and should be taken in moderation and you should take responsiblity for youe own use etc.