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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think picking a 4yr old child up by their arm and throwing them on a sofa

161 replies

devonsmummy · 16/04/2011 08:34

is totally unreasonable - followed by 4 mansize smacks to the bottom?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 16/04/2011 15:06

No justification for it in my opinion.

It's just wrong.

GypsyMoth · 16/04/2011 15:07

because one smack is harder than another ...one is abuse,the other isnt??Hmm

so its down to the weight and strength of attack then?

Gooseberrybushes · 16/04/2011 15:12

Actually I don't think all smacking is abusive, but I think this attack is very abusive. I really do think this one of those situations where you say "if you ever do that again I will divorce you" unless it's happened before in which case I would wait until they go out and then change the locks. Even if it's illegal to change the locks.

Gooseberrybushes · 16/04/2011 15:14

I would say yes, the weight and strength of attack matter, of course. I used to get slapped round the legs a bit. Being thrown on a sofa and hit with a man's strength four times at the age of four is hell and he should go on a course or leave for ever or something. It's terrible.

naturalbaby · 16/04/2011 15:17

my blood runs cold at the memory of being hit by one of my parents when i was a child and they lost their temper, like the op's H. Although I was misbehaving the punishment never fitted the crime and as much as i love that parent and am very close to them, i was filled with hate and confusion at the time. eventually my other parent insisted they get some help, support and counselling to deal with the anger management issues.

Op's H should at the very least acknowledge what he has done (lashed out in an unreasonable way) and apologise to the child for it. then deal with his anger management issues.

chocadoodle · 16/04/2011 15:44

I grew up in a loving home with my 2 parents and younger sister. I used to get a smacked bum for being naughty, mainly by my Mum and never very hard. I think a lot of families punished this way in the eighties. My Dad "smacked" me twice that I can remember. Both times he lost it. One of the times I went flying backwards and cracked my head on the way down. Dad was immediately sorry and I thought I forgave him.

I still have a good relationship with both my parents. However, no matter how much I know that my Dad is a good man who lost it only twice in the 24 years I lived at home, I don't think I have got over it. The feeling of confusion I felt, along with the physical pain and then sympathy for him as he was so upset by his own actions were too much for a child to deal with. He went too far and I was a child. My Dad was physically and emotionally abused by his own father, as was he by his. My Dad isn't a violent man or agressive, he was just wound up for whatever reason and I was being a PITA at the wrong time. But, I was a child and he was an adult, I was defenceless, therefore he was wrong.

I would never ever smack or use any form of physical punishment towards my child and I would never make an excuse for my DH if he did either.

I hope your son's ok Sad you really need to make sure that he doesn't experience this again. Whatever that takes.

sorrytosayivebeenthere · 16/04/2011 17:12

Omg your little boy, That is defo not on, You punished him, that should be enough, Why your H felt the need to take it further is beyond reason,

I remember when my ds was potty training and did a poo where he was standing, I told him off and took him to the potty, a few minutese later his dad went into the bathroom, shouted at him and slapped his face, There are very few times I stood up to my ex but this was definatly one of them, My ds is 14 now and still remembers this.

onceamai · 16/04/2011 17:20

This thread was started at 8.34am. The OP last posted at 8.53am. I hope to goodness the OP and her son are OK. OP, if you are out there please could you touch base and let us know you and and the lad are alright.

Oblomov · 16/04/2011 17:42

Just to correct Fabbychic, who was incorrect in her posting :
"Any form of touching a child in anger which is what smacking is is abuse.

Sorry, but smacking is abuse."

Thats not true. Smacking is not abuse. Smacking is not illegal, in the UK.

The Op's situation is entirely different, and very worrying.

Original poster
devonsmummy · 16/04/2011 18:43

We are ok thanks been out all day and H been at work - due home soon.
He has apologized on the phone and said it will never ever happen again.
If it does we will be out the door for sure
His dad was heavy handed and left when H was 10, he wet the bed until his dad left.
They are very similar and I pray this is the last of it - he cannot bear to be compared to his dad.
Gotta go he home

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 16/04/2011 18:45

glad you're ok op

but i fear this wont be the last of this kind of thing

you sound scared of him

MollieO · 16/04/2011 18:45

I assume he says it will never happen again every time he does it. You said he has done it before and doesn't think it is wrong. Personally I wouldn't leave it. If he is truly sorry then he will be prepared to talk to someone about it and get help for what clearly is a problem. Repeating the treatment he received from his father is obviously not acceptable and he needs serious help.

Original poster
devonsmummy · 16/04/2011 18:49

No not scared just got no family near or could take off for the nite
He's bought DS a swingball to say sorry
Am bathing Dd so gotta go again
Thanks for all concern/help

OP posts:
LDNmummy · 16/04/2011 19:01

"We are ok thanks been out all day and H been at work - due home soon.
He has apologized on the phone and said it will never ever happen again.
If it does we will be out the door for sure
His dad was heavy handed and left when H was 10, he wet the bed until his dad left.
They are very similar and I pray this is the last of it - he cannot bear to be compared to his dad.
Gotta go he home"

Be careful about this OP, he is showing signs of repeating a cycle of abuse. He may say he will not do it again but that is no certainty. I do hope it works out and wish you and your LO the best.

MollieO · 16/04/2011 19:13

If I were you I would keep a diary. It may be nothing but it might be an eye opener on how often this happens.

How often has it happened and is his anger only directed towards your ds or to both of your dcs?

BooBooGlass · 16/04/2011 19:16

So he's bought him a 'sorry I whacked you' present. That's nice Hmm
At least that bat might come in handy if he tries it again eh?

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 16/04/2011 19:19

I think you need to talk to him tonight. Discussing it over the phone isn't enough. He needs to see your face - he needs to believe you mean it, this was his one and only chance - no more. A swingball and an apology was nice - but he can't just keep doing it and apologising and he needs to know this, without a shadow of a doubt.

You need to say to him that as much as he might not like being compared to his Dad, that's exactly how he behaved - you need to ask him if he wants his DS (and DD) wetting the bed from fear of him? If you are too scared to have this discussion with him, you need to leave him now.

therealmrsbeckham · 16/04/2011 19:24

'Swingball' well that makes everyhing ok then Hmm.

Please think carefully about whether you really want to continue to expose your DC to this man's violence - words and appologies after the event are cheep IMO

Take care

GypsyMoth · 16/04/2011 19:26

there is always somewhere to go to op. womensaid can find you a hostel place. dont stay through fear of no place to go

StewieGriffinsMom · 16/04/2011 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onceamai · 16/04/2011 20:08

OP: You both need help to deal with this; you to help him and him to get over the past. It isn't your fault - don't let history repeat itself. Good luck love and much love.

Blatherskite · 16/04/2011 20:31

"nulliusxinxverbax Sat 16-Apr-11 13:29:59

Ok, Ill answer this from a different angle.

If you let this go, it will get worse, it always does.
If DH is not hitting you, actually, that will just fuck your child up even more, because he will think "why does daddy only hit me? he hates me"

And when your son grows up, it will be YOU he hates. Because you didnt protect him, you let it happen.
He will see you as the weak one who was too selfish to leave."

Nullius is right. My Dad never hit my Mum (he adored her) and he never hit either of my 2 sisters or my brother on anywhere near the same scale. This didn't make things better, it just made me feel like shit, like I was so much less than the other memebers of my family that it was OK to single me out like that. My self confidence is fucked. When I left for uni, I started to self harm because I felt like I deserved it because that was all I'd ever known. I have never forgiven my Mum. I know she stayed because she had 4 kids and thought she had no other choice. Because she was a SAHM and he provided everything and she had no idea how she'd cope alone - but I just can't bring myself to say it was OK to sacrifice me for it all. I thought I'd understand when I had children but it's just made it harder. I would never do that to my firstborn.

onceamai · 16/04/2011 20:34

Oh blatherskite - Sad

nulliusxinxverbax · 16/04/2011 20:49

Hope things are well with you now Blatherskite

I was speaking from experience thats why I made the point, I think parents in this situation dont see it from that angle, and maybe forget the repercussions in the future.

People assuming the child will only be angry with the abuser, not the partner.
They will be angry with the partner for bieng complicite.
They will never be angry because you left, to save them :(

Branno · 16/04/2011 20:52

Ladies it IS Abuse but she can take a few steps BEFORE leaving him which you are putting her under too much pressure to do. Ask H what kind of father he wants to be - find a therapist and get him in there fast so he can be given some direction on how to control himself. And get a shrink that will see him and DS together. Build a relationship between him and DS. She has to be allowed try before walking no?

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