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AIBU?

To think picking a 4yr old child up by their arm and throwing them on a sofa

161 replies

devonsmummy · 16/04/2011 08:34

is totally unreasonable - followed by 4 mansize smacks to the bottom?

OP posts:
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InPraiseOfBacchus · 17/04/2011 14:46

A shock slap is occasionally forgivable if the parents wants to stop a child endangering their safety or something drastic - like running across a road.

"Deliberate" hitting is never excusable, it is there solely to satisfy an angry adult, not to improve bad behaviour. As such it is a selfish and cruel act. I have never experiences this kind of punishment in my own life, but this kind of thing makes me extremely uncomfortable, as I associate it with satisfying unhealthy urges in adults concerning their relationship with children. Either power, or something else.

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ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 17/04/2011 14:39

DevonsMummy - Sorry, but I wouldn't give a rats arse if he wanted to stop talking about it. We'd stop talking about it when I was reassured that he understood how serious this was and had told me what he intended to do about it. It sounds highly unlikely that he will just 'stop' (long term), something that seems so ingrained in him unless he either gets some counselling/attends a course or really takes it onboard that he's turning into his father. How convinced are you that he understands that you are serious about leaving if he ever lays a hand on him again? (you are aren't you???).

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wubblybubbly · 17/04/2011 13:59

"Op - people who behave like this can't just 'stop'. If you want things to work with your H he needs counselling and parenting courses. If he is genuinely sorry he will agree to them and undestand that he needs them."

Dooin, I totally agree.

OP, your DH is basically refusing to talk about his behaviour, it's like he wants to pretend it never happened, that it should all be forgotten and forgiven. I would worry that he's blocking out what happened and not dealing with it or taking responsibility at all.

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dontcallmepeanut · 17/04/2011 13:40

Dooin, well said. hugs It's horrible to see how much some of mumsnet have been through

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mamatomany · 17/04/2011 13:35

My mother choose to stay with a man who battered me as a child, i've never forgiven her, him i almost can because he was an alcoholic but her, never.

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DooinMeCleanin · 17/04/2011 13:34

My Dad used to buy me presents after he'd hit me badly. He used to apologise too. And swear he would never do it again. I begged my mum to allow me to be taken into care when I was 13.

It did stop for a while when I was about 10. One of his presents to me, my lovely doberman, went for him after he tried to hit me in rage. It scared him enough to stop him hitting me around the dog. She passed away in my arms when I was 12.

It stopped for good when I became big enough and strong enough to fight him back. He also stopped hitting my mum too. She is still with him, more fool her. She claims to love him. I hate that. I hate that she can love a man who has damaged her children in the way he has.

He is sorry now, because he thinks he is dying. He is afraid that once he dies, no-one will be at his funeral and no-one will remember him fondly. He is not sorry for what he did to us. He is sorry for what he has done to himself. He knows how much he despised his own father and doesn't want to be remembered that way. He was abused as a child also.

Op - people who behave like this can't just 'stop'. If you want things to work with your H he needs counselling and parenting courses. If he is genuinely sorry he will agree to them and undestand that he needs them.

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GypsyMoth · 17/04/2011 13:33

i actually left him because he had been smacked as a child,and continued to use this form of discipline.....and i saw him getting more heavy handed the older the dc got....as they pushed the boundaries more.....

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GypsyMoth · 17/04/2011 13:31

when my dd was 7 she went on an access visit to exh....came back saying he had smacked her,she evenhad a hand mark......solicitor sent a letter to say no more smacking but i never let her go back....went through court and he got no access at all 9few other issues,but his violence was main concern)

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dontcallmepeanut · 17/04/2011 13:26

Shineon, he sounds positively vile.

My ex-P was little better, if at all. I'd left him in charge of DS so I could go to a college interview. As I left, I told him DS needed his milk feed at 1pm, just after lunch, then a nep at half one. I returned at four pm, (I'd been out five and a half hours) to find DS still hadn't eaten lunch, hadn't had his milk, and hadn't had a nappy change or sleep. When asked about it, ex-P told me that DS hadn't "needed" a nappy change, wasn't hungry, forgot about the milk, and he'd spent a whole five minutes trying to get him to take a nap. Hmm

I let the subject drop, giving him the benefit of the doubt (one off, or whatever)

A few weeks later, I was ill, and ex-P said he'd take the reponsibility of getting DS to bed. This was the first time in 13 months he'd tried, so DS wasn't used to it and screamed. I took over, got DS settled, then sat down to watch a film, when DS started crying again, to which ex-P replied "I'll fucking belt him if he doesn't shut the fuck up"... I told him if he ever laid a finger on DS we'd be gone. I settled DS back to sleep, and that was it.

When DS was 16 months old, I'd returned from the hospital after an eye check up. Before I'd left, I'd emptied the ironing pile on to the armchair, to tackle when I got home. DS managed to pull some clothes off the pile in one go, and was greeted with me telling him to stop, and then his Dad grabbing him by the arm. Even if it didn't hurt, it scared him. I still remember the look on his face.

I left the next day, along with DS, and a rucksack of clothes. That was it... I'd forgiven ex-P countless times for assaulting me, but was not gpoing to risk letting him hurt DS. So yeah. Shineon is right. Something can/does kick in when you need to protect your child.

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NinkyNonker · 17/04/2011 13:23

What's odd/bad is that he wasn't in the situation from the beginning and getting would up with it, this was his 'fresh'/non-red mist reaction, if you see what I mean? If he can do this when 'calm', what could he do when het up?

I was smacked as a child and don't consider myself abused. I will never do it/tolerate it myself though. This is a different kettle of fish however.

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therealmrsbeckham · 17/04/2011 13:06

Ooh Shiney what a vile specimen Sad Angry.

Yes your right that protective instinct does/should kick in

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RumourOfAHurricane · 17/04/2011 12:58

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therealmrsbeckham · 17/04/2011 12:52

Grumpy - I don't think that anybody has come onto this thread with any subtexts. People are concerned for OP and her DC and are offering advice which OP can choose to ignore.

Leaving DV is never easy (I speak from experience) I left EXP at 10pm one boxing day when DD was 5 months old after many many months of abuse. It was absolutley the hardest thing i've ever done, but my overriding motivation to get out was the saftey of my DD and knowing that I didn't want her brought up in that sort of destructive environment - 10 years on I don't regret my decision for a second.

It is HARD but there are many places to get advice and support from.

OP please keep talking x .

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dontcallmepeanut · 17/04/2011 12:47

It's not easy, no. But you do what you need to do to protect your children. Regardless of how difficult it is.

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RumourOfAHurricane · 17/04/2011 12:37

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dontcallmepeanut · 17/04/2011 12:14

Grumpy, not all of us are posturing...

I spent four years in an abusive relationship, and what I said in my post is the god's honest truth. I left the day after ex-P got TOO rough with DS. Saying I'd put DS first is not posturing, it's common sense....

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MigratingCoconuts · 17/04/2011 11:49

off you go then, grumpy

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GypsyMoth · 17/04/2011 11:36

did you add anything constructive??

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grumpypants · 17/04/2011 11:31

It is concerning because a lot of it is posturing - I wouldn't let that happen, subtext being 'aren't i great stuff.' Sorry - carry on giving your advice. This is another of those threads it's prob best to ignore.

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MigratingCoconuts · 17/04/2011 11:26

whilst i agree that the violent partner should be given a chance to put their behaviour right...I think that the fact that the boy was retching after this 'discipline' makes it dv, surely?

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GypsyMoth · 17/04/2011 11:25

grumpypants....you give your advice,others give theirs....its concerning for you???

well back in january this poster had had enough of whatever else she is putting up with andd had posted for advice on HOW TO LEAVE....that was also put in earlier in this thread......perhaps read a bit more?????

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grumpypants · 17/04/2011 11:21

I think that it's really concerning when somebody posts something like this and then everyone jumps in telling the OP to leave right now/ find a hostel/ lamp him one etc etc - all this tough 'I wouldn't let him get away with it/ he'd be out the door etc etc' How does that help? Leaving an abusive (or not, we don't know) partner is a major upheaval, and surely other support should be offered rather then a telling off and a display of how tough other posters are?

We don't smack, this was horrifying, but the straight off assumption of DV and a need to find a refuge is also quite shocking.

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MigratingCoconuts · 17/04/2011 11:17

have been lurking and just wanted add my support...hope he does understand what he's done

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purepurple · 17/04/2011 11:10

I am really glad you are able to talk to your DH devonsmummy. He is the only one that can change his behaviour. I am glad that he realises that he is responsible for possibly damaging his relationship with his son.
Good luck to all of you, I hope you can all get through it.

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GypsyMoth · 17/04/2011 11:09

so how do you feel about it ?

i read some of your previous threads....everything else ok?

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