to think "dropping the kids off at nursery" does not mean "then go to the pub all day and turn up with random woman in tow at 4pm"?

[ButterpieandCheese]

Gah. I am possibly being unreasonable.

DH and I work from home (also out of home, so it's not like he is trapped in - 50% of work is around a 10 mile radius or so, 50% at home) and today only I had work on. However, we have just moved house and are having a housewarming gathering tomorrow, so there is plenty to be done. We are also pretty skint.

Today I got up after Dh and the kids (we take turns to do the really early shift, although I had been up with the baby in the night and DD1 had woken me up and spent half an hour clambering over the bed and telling me all about her favourite cereals that morning, so don't imagine a full 8 hours of peaceful slumber. I was also late to bed last night as I had to stay up to finish a report for work) and DH told me not to worry - he would drop the kids off, but could I please go on ebay and write down what needed posting to where as he was going to the post office as soon as he got back. Fair enough.

So, I got the ebay stuff done straight away, then sat down to do work on my laptop.

Anyway, after two hours I text him to see where he has got to. "ran into an old friend. She has social phobia too - you would get on well" (i don't have social phobia. I have general anxiety as a symptom of other problems, and anyway, why would that mean I would automatically get on with someone?) He did invite me for a coffee with them both, but I refused on the grounds that I had a mountain of work to do before a medical appointment that afternoon.

He texted again at 12.30, saying the same. I replied saying that actually the nurse was due here any minute. He replied saying that he was having a great time, asking silly questions of shopkeepers, and that he would be home in a minute. (?)

After the appointment, at 3.30, I texted again as he still hadn't turned up. He knows full well that this regular appoiontment always makes me much more anxious, btw. I tell him every week.

He replied with "home soon, sorry, is in quite a mess, I had to talk to her for ages". Then, at 4pm, he turns up, WITH RANDOM FRIEND IN TOW. No warning. I was on hold to the council, and then I had to ring the DLA people to have a personal conversation. I also had my laptop open as I was writing another report for work while on hold.

I said hello to friend, who then proceeded to ignore that I was on the phone and obviously working, and just chattered away, while DH disappered upstairs to do things related to ebay. When I got through to the council, I went through to the other room, so as not to be rude to his friend, and she followed me and kept trying to talk to me. Once I was off the phone, I apoligised but I really needed to make another phonecall, and so I went up to my bedroom to get the details. while I was up there I made the call, and afterwards I came out of my room to find DH, who told me he had brought this woman home so she could be my friend.

OK, so I am very shy, and so I can see that he was trying to help, but is turning up with no warning with a random mate when I am very busy the way to do it?

Anyway, I then decided that I should probably talk to the woman, so I went into DD1s room to get a bobble to tie back my hair (hadn't bothered to brush it as wasn't expecting to see anyone except the CPN, and I'm sure she has seen worse than messy hair). I turned round to see the woman in DD1s room, cornering me. The woman then, out of nowhere, said "Nick says you have mental health problems. I have social anxiety." then tried to hug me! I made the effort, I didn't push her away, despite being really, really not a huggy person, and I said "yeah...it's...difficult, isn't it? I had my nurse out today." and then the woman got really overexcited and started asking me why the nurse comes out to see me in my house and all sorts (I couldn't make out a lot of what she was saying as she was slurring her words). I just said I didn't know and apoligised again, but I WAS REALLY BUSY and so could she please GO AND FIND DH.

Then, despite the fact that I was clearly very busy, he then told his friend that he had to go and pick up the kids (Fridays are the only full day they have in nursery, so very precious for getting stuff done) but she could stay here and have a brew with me, as we were clearly getting on like a house on fire (!)

I then thought that I would just have to be outright rude and said "no, actually, I'm really busy, you will have to entertain your own guest I'm afriad." And he just looked at me and asked her again if she wanted to stay while he went out.

Luckily, she got the MASSIVE hint and left at that point.

I know I was rude, but really, I obviously don't mind his friends coming round, but expecting me to entertain them is a bit much, no? Plus the spending all day at the pub when there is loads of work to be done. (luckily he didn't seem drunk - he had said he was drinking coffee, so that must be true)

Anyway, I know I am being unreasonable to be so rude to someone apparently having trouble, but if DH had let me know at any point that she was coming I could have had a quick tidy and done all my urgent work before she came.

It is also not your responsibility to 'rescue' this man. You are ill. You need all your resources for yourself.

Even a professional can not help your DH. He doesn't even realise how messed up he is himself. You can't make him see.

For now you have to concentrate on yourself. I would urge you to really come clean on your own to your MH team. Tell them everything. Don't lie about being able to manage better than you can. Don't mask. You need to disclose to them what is going on.

Please think about this. Things are infinitely harder than they should be with him around. You can become much stronger, more focused, better and more confident without him around playing with your head.

A partner is supposed to make things easier not harder.

Hoping that butterpie will come on and tell us she is ok this morning

Bloody hell, Reality

I knew some of that, but not all of it

Butter, please come back and talk to us

Wow Reality. I've seen you mention the past in other threads but never read it all before. You've done amazingly to come out of all that, and as you say, it was YOU that managed it. Truly inspiring :)

"she lives in this town. she could be lVughing vt mt she knows my hose"

She won't be laughing. Both her and your DH are still convincing themselves they are good people.

Butterpie, hope you are OK and today is helpful xx

two eggies

Butterpie
I hope you had a restful night last night. Good luck at Relate today. Its a great idea to bullet point your concerns about your relationship, will help keep you focussed on what is wrong with the way things are at the moment.
Take care

Can you come home Butterpie? Either with dh or not? I think you can be stronger with your friends and family around you. Even if that is staying with your husband but setting clear boundaries about what is acceptable if you really do want to stay with him. I'm worried for you butterpie.

I'm here. I'm ok. Going to have a house full of cakes and bread at this rate.

Can't fault him for the last few days. Maybe there is hope.

Sorry for all the fuss.

Slept like a log last night - he had to get up with the baby. Oh well, it'll just be like the times he's been too drunk to do it.

Crumble, if you mean home as in the town where you live, I can't. Too much history there, too much reputation. It's been so liberating being here and people meeting me and talking to me like a normal person. Plus I'm pretty sure there are quite a few people round there who would take great pleasure in all of this. Knobbers.

also I just can't deal with my family atm. I have to go back and see them soon as my nana needs me and the kids, but I'll be doing it as a normal visit. Can't be doing with the random advice off my parents and family (most of which ends up with "...and we all turned out ok, didn't we!"). Esp can't be doing with constantly being supervised - I'm not about to get all self harmy on them, but they always suspect me of it. Much harder not to drink there too - very boozy place. When I go back, it will be a releif toact like this isn't happening for a while.

But thanks.

I just feel so...sad.

Yesterday I found myself looking at a beautiful tree, and stopped myself. If I go manic, there's no hope. I dont have any medication for feeling sad, but at least I know what I am doing.

Right, relate. Need to act normal enough to get them to talk to us. can only afford one session, and that is a push. We earn (we counted yesterday) less than £200 a month, but because we work we only get a reduction. I get plenty of support individually, the team I'm with has family people, but thats seems to be more helping people cope with being related to me.

Reality, I never knew that about you. I liked you already but I actually respect you now. Sorry if that sounds condascending, it's not meant to, I am just actually in awe. Doesn't happen often that I am.

Butterpie, have you checked with one of your health workers whether you might be able to access a relationship counsellor through the NHS? I don't know if it depends on your local health authority, but one of my relatives did this. I think she got something like six sessions. It might be worth checking.

Keep checking in with us if you can, though. I've been following this thread and there are a fair few of us here who care about what's happening and about you. And don't apologise for the fuss, fgs :)

Best of luck today Butterpie. Make sure you take that list with you and try to get everything out without him (or the counsellor) disregarding what you say.

I'm glad that he's being decent to you now, but please, please don't think for a moment that this excuses his behaviour a few days ago.

Keep us posted x

Butterpie, FriedEggy is right - it doesn't excuse his behaviour. He needs to work on his respect issues. Behaving like a immature idiot is disrespectful to his kids too. Do you get counselling - just someone to talk to and listen - as part of your treatment for your bipolar illness? You should be able to get something as part of the NHS treatment. I know GPs can also refer mothers for free counselling for post natal depression - and it doesn't have to be only when you have a newborn. (It can often include a mother who has had depression - of which bipolar illness is part of - already and now has a baby is hence postnatal). Just to have someone to listen and give you more confidence.

As someone with extended family with depression, bipolar illness and mental health conditions, I can definitely agree that you need someone to give you support, and also keep in contact regularly to make sure your illness isn't making it hard to look after your children, but right now that person is not your DH. (He is failing in this task miserably. If he wants to be able to live up to the title of husband, he needs to be doing a lot better than this) The only reason one might continue to be with him is if he changes, for the sake of the chidlren - but only if he changes for the better. Otherwise you and the kids are better off without him.

How are the health visitors in your area? The ones in our local area are fantastic at offering support to mums and kids, they come round, they're non judgemental and offer good advice that gives one more confidence. If they are good, get them on board to drop by - they are good at addressing your worries relating to family life and your children, whereas other counsellors are often better at addressing how adults relate to each other.

The health visitors seem to think me a dangerous radical. They refuse to speak to dh about the kids (they don't know us well enough to know who is the main carer) they tell me that co-sleeping is risking the children's lives (don't worry, not with him in the bed drunk), they didn't bother to ask if I was still bf my 1 yo and were surprised when I mentioned it, and they were alarmed when I mentioned HE. They had never even heard of BLW and when I asked for help with potty training they just gave me a reward chart printed off sparklebox.

Never heard of BLW? What sort of hv's are they?! But then again a lot of them are useless

How'd it go today?

Have to ask what BLW and HE stand for...not used to so many acronyms :-P

Oh pity, it sounds like your HVs are not very supportive. Forget that avenue for now :-)

How did it go at Relate?

BLW - Baby led weaning, HE - Home Education :) Sorry, I'm a lazy typer!

Relate was ok, upsetting. The woman is talking to her supervisor about whether we can go together or separate, because she thinks we might both be too fragile together at first. She told us about a book, so I'm going to look in the library for it.

afterwards, we went for a lemonade at the library, and had a chat. DH is going to go to the doctors for help in stopping drinking - he's not keen on aa, but then neither am I, due to the god aspect of it all, but is willing to give it a try if that is all that there is, and he says he's going to see about anti depressants and maybe even anger management. So that's progress.

I think a big bit was when the relate woman stopped him talking and said "wait, you spent the day flirting with a woman and then took her home to meet your very vulnerable wife? Why???" It was the only time the woman seemed to take sides at all, and I think, with it put that simply, he realised that, not only was it a completly dickish thing to do, but that maybe I had a point with the other stuff.

He was shaking a bit today.

Tomorrow, the kids are off nursery and he has an interview and some work to do in a nearby town, so I might take the kids to the science museum in another nearby town, although i do have an appointment with the mental nurse. Not sure how much we can talk about with the kids running about though - 4yo DD1 is a nosy little thing.

Well done butterpie - you've achieved so much today.

Great to hear DH is willing to put some work in. Quick note though, he will have to be extra careful about drinking if on antidepressants.

Has h cut all contact with her?

Has h cut all contact with her?

I was thinking that too

Same. Have you confronted this issue?

There is a lot more to this than the vile bitch, but it's still vital that he stops all contact with her if you are to move forward.

He has, and he has promised to give me a full report on any contact he has with anyone (male, female, old, young) beyond quick hellos, then I can judge if it unreasonable, since he seems unable to make that judgement himself. Hopefully I can regain some trust in him soon.

He's going totally cold turkey on the booze - he tipped every bit we have in the house down the sink. I pretty much quit and never really started again with the second baby so I won't miss it. I used to drink on anti depressants and anti psychotics - it wasn't pretty. He knows.

any ideas for him to make friends without booze being involved would be great - he wants to avoid temptation for a while.

We're both very shaken, but I'm trying my best to not let him make it all about me feeling sorry for him. Of course I'll support him, but he is on his last chance. We have to keep on at relate (if they let me go that is - if not, he has to go by himself. I see plenty of people for my mental health as it is)