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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think "dropping the kids off at nursery" does not mean "then go to the pub all day and turn up with random woman in tow at 4pm"?

256 replies

ButterpieandCheese · 15/04/2011 16:58

Gah. I am possibly being unreasonable.

DH and I work from home (also out of home, so it's not like he is trapped in - 50% of work is around a 10 mile radius or so, 50% at home) and today only I had work on. However, we have just moved house and are having a housewarming gathering tomorrow, so there is plenty to be done. We are also pretty skint.

Today I got up after Dh and the kids (we take turns to do the really early shift, although I had been up with the baby in the night and DD1 had woken me up and spent half an hour clambering over the bed and telling me all about her favourite cereals that morning, so don't imagine a full 8 hours of peaceful slumber. I was also late to bed last night as I had to stay up to finish a report for work) and DH told me not to worry - he would drop the kids off, but could I please go on ebay and write down what needed posting to where as he was going to the post office as soon as he got back. Fair enough.

So, I got the ebay stuff done straight away, then sat down to do work on my laptop.

Anyway, after two hours I text him to see where he has got to. "ran into an old friend. She has social phobia too - you would get on well" (i don't have social phobia. I have general anxiety as a symptom of other problems, and anyway, why would that mean I would automatically get on with someone?) He did invite me for a coffee with them both, but I refused on the grounds that I had a mountain of work to do before a medical appointment that afternoon.

He texted again at 12.30, saying the same. I replied saying that actually the nurse was due here any minute. He replied saying that he was having a great time, asking silly questions of shopkeepers, and that he would be home in a minute. (?)

After the appointment, at 3.30, I texted again as he still hadn't turned up. He knows full well that this regular appoiontment always makes me much more anxious, btw. I tell him every week.

He replied with "home soon, sorry, is in quite a mess, I had to talk to her for ages". Then, at 4pm, he turns up, WITH RANDOM FRIEND IN TOW. No warning. I was on hold to the council, and then I had to ring the DLA people to have a personal conversation. I also had my laptop open as I was writing another report for work while on hold.

I said hello to friend, who then proceeded to ignore that I was on the phone and obviously working, and just chattered away, while DH disappered upstairs to do things related to ebay. When I got through to the council, I went through to the other room, so as not to be rude to his friend, and she followed me and kept trying to talk to me. Once I was off the phone, I apoligised but I really needed to make another phonecall, and so I went up to my bedroom to get the details. while I was up there I made the call, and afterwards I came out of my room to find DH, who told me he had brought this woman home so she could be my friend. Hmm

OK, so I am very shy, and so I can see that he was trying to help, but is turning up with no warning with a random mate when I am very busy the way to do it?

Anyway, I then decided that I should probably talk to the woman, so I went into DD1s room to get a bobble to tie back my hair (hadn't bothered to brush it as wasn't expecting to see anyone except the CPN, and I'm sure she has seen worse than messy hair). I turned round to see the woman in DD1s room, cornering me. The woman then, out of nowhere, said "Nick says you have mental health problems. I have social anxiety." then tried to hug me! I made the effort, I didn't push her away, despite being really, really not a huggy person, and I said "yeah...it's...difficult, isn't it? I had my nurse out today." and then the woman got really overexcited and started asking me why the nurse comes out to see me in my house and all sorts (I couldn't make out a lot of what she was saying as she was slurring her words). I just said I didn't know and apoligised again, but I WAS REALLY BUSY and so could she please GO AND FIND DH.

Then, despite the fact that I was clearly very busy, he then told his friend that he had to go and pick up the kids (Fridays are the only full day they have in nursery, so very precious for getting stuff done) but she could stay here and have a brew with me, as we were clearly getting on like a house on fire (!)

I then thought that I would just have to be outright rude and said "no, actually, I'm really busy, you will have to entertain your own guest I'm afriad." And he just looked at me and asked her again if she wanted to stay while he went out.

Luckily, she got the MASSIVE hint and left at that point.

I know I was rude, but really, I obviously don't mind his friends coming round, but expecting me to entertain them is a bit much, no? Plus the spending all day at the pub when there is loads of work to be done. (luckily he didn't seem drunk - he had said he was drinking coffee, so that must be true)

Anyway, I know I am being unreasonable to be so rude to someone apparently having trouble, but if DH had let me know at any point that she was coming I could have had a quick tidy and done all my urgent work before she came.

OP posts:
Georgimama · 18/04/2011 20:33

Just as an aside, I knew he was a bell end before we even got to the FB messages.

OP - you do not need this man. You really, really don't. He keeps you ill and dependent on him, you can see that, can't you? He is hijacking your recovery, you don't work outside the home, you work with him at home, he doesn't like you coming on MN, he doesn't like you going to your support groups. He's not your carer, he's a fucking vampire leeching off your emotional insecurities. He has form with his ex. Seriously, go to relate alone and see a lawyer. This man is bad bad news. And your only other serious relationship was with another bloke who was bad bad news. You need help but not from him.

You're what - 25? Five years of your life you've spent with him. It's nothing. Your whole life could be spent playing these pathetic controlling games. quoting Byron doesn't make him all poetic and tortured and like normal rules don't apply to him (although no doubt that's what he thinks). They make him an emotionally stunned fuckwit.

Georgimama · 18/04/2011 20:34

By the way - normal people of their age think Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain were druggie morons and shit parents. I thought it when I was 15.

DontGoCurly · 18/04/2011 20:38

Georgimama is right.

These two sound like a pair of insufferable twats.

You mentioned earlier he didn't like you cutting down on drinking. Course he doesn't. He doesn't want you to cop on to him. He doesn't want you to get stronger.

He is sabotaging your recovery. I think the situation you are in in making you feel much worse than you are. You are being mentally and emotionally abused.

That woman btw is full of shit, Sisterhood my arse. I'd 'sista' her right into the middle of next week. They both obviously think you are a stupid, weak eejit for them to play with.

StealthyKissBeartrayal · 18/04/2011 20:42

She is a drama queen and loving all this. Don't feed her any more.
Does she know you MN?

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 18/04/2011 20:43

Fucking hell - she is really unhinged - don't have anything else to do with her for sanity sake!!

JuicyLips · 18/04/2011 20:43

Only just found this Hope you are ok Butterpie, Sad

IntergalacticHussy · 18/04/2011 20:51

Right, i think i know what it is. You're obviously an intelligent person, and one with decent taste in books, music etc (the kind of stuff most people just don't get.) You felt isolated before you met dh because most people can't relate to you on that level.

He's a bit of a shape shifter amongst other things, and keeps you on your toes, but he knows how to get in your good books, he just recites the right poems, gets you reminiscing about a certain song, a certain place. You love him in part because he gives you the things not many people can. If you left him, and his lies and manipulation, who knows if or when you'd meet someone that shares your passionate but slightly obscure interests? Who knows who the heck Courtney Love is for example? Besides you've got two kids together, right? And he'd be jumping right into bed with the woman in question...

No wonder you're anxious, love. You and the kids can't live like this. He's running the game and it's driving you to distraction. Somehow you're going to have to re-assert yourself, once and for all, or this is the way your life is going to play out, over and over. It's your fucking life too. It's your kids lives too. not everything has to revolve around the shit he creates for you;

you have the power to create a straightforward, stable home for your little ones if only you would realise it. i have been in an almost identical situation so i do know what i'm talking about.

Reality · 18/04/2011 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ButterpieandCheese · 18/04/2011 21:03

OK. I just did something daft. I logged into DHs fb and email (I had to change his passwords to do this as the login details are on the other computer, but depriving him of a bit of fb is probably good) and found all the people on her friends list with the name that she had mentioned as a possible boyfriend, and sent the details to my account, from where I sent messages asking if they are her boyfriend. Don't know what I'm hoping to acheive here, apart from making it so that anyone seeing them together is immedistely suspicious.

also DD1 was crying, so I've let her in my bed. He can sleep in the lazytown bed tonight, the fucker.

OP posts:
StealthyKissBeartrayal · 18/04/2011 21:06

What exactly did you do, sorry? Emailed her "boyfriend" asking for his side of the story?

toddlerama · 18/04/2011 21:06

She sounds insane. There is no way he could have spent time with her without realising that (he admitted she needed help) and he chose to bring her into your life whilst you were in a vulnerable position. He's a selfish twat even if he didn't do all the rest of it. He's not your carer, he's probably the reason you're ill. I never comment on relationship threads because I think the stakes are too high for unfounded opinions, but I think this is one of the worst things I have read on here. Sad

Georgimama · 18/04/2011 21:06

That.... was a bad idea. It will get back to her and your DH and give them more ammo for treating you like a fruitloop.

ButterpieandCheese · 18/04/2011 21:09

I just messaged them, asking them....dunno what I'll do if they reply. C+P the messages they were sending?

OP posts:
StealthyKissBeartrayal · 18/04/2011 21:09

I don't think it's that bad, although inadvisable. She already knows that Butterpie wants to know what has happened, and no one is telling her.

StealthyKissBeartrayal · 18/04/2011 21:10

BTW did you notice in the epic she sent she said she might be lying too?

ButterpieandCheese · 18/04/2011 21:10

Oh god, i didn't. Why would she say that?

OP posts:
Georgimama · 18/04/2011 21:10

And Hussy is right. I understand his appeal - but there are nice people in the world who have read Byron and Keats and books like The End of The Affair and can reflect "gosh that was emotionally exhilarating but thank Christ my life isn't like that".

When I was 14 I read Wuthering Heights and thought it was the most romantic thing I had ever heard of. Compared to other classics I had read, it blew me away. Clearly this was what real love was meant to be like! I lent the book to my mother (who is well read but had never read it) and she thought it was the most disturbing fuckwitted thing she had ever encountered.

Now I agree with her.

Georgimama · 18/04/2011 21:12

Yes she did admit she may be lying

"Mebbe he lied a bit,by the sounds of it he did. Mebbe i did too. Why would he exaggerate? I dunno. I don't know him. Blame me, i was tickled by his wit. I was about to say nothing happened but that's a lie."

DontGoCurly · 18/04/2011 21:13

What are you doing OP?

You've already caught him in the act. I'm not sure why you are sleuthing further?

ButterpieandCheese · 18/04/2011 21:13

across the six names we have given our two children, we have two suffragettes, two characters from wuthering heights, a leonard cohen song and his brother who died (obv the name is feminised).

:( Is this what everyone has been thinking all this time?

OP posts:
Animation · 18/04/2011 21:15

IntergalacticHussay describes him as as - " a shape shifter" and I think her assessment is spot on...

His lies and he manipulation are the kind that paralyses and leaves people speechess... for a while. But when it sinks in Butterpie I hope you can build up your strength, find your voice and speak out - tell him where to get off fucking with your head, and be prepared to go it alone.

Georgimama · 18/04/2011 21:15

Butterpie you sound lovely but he isn't Rossetti or Tolstoy or Sid Vicious or Lenny Bruce. He's a 35 year old manchild who needs to grow up.

ButterpieandCheese · 18/04/2011 21:15

He just kissed her back though - to me, that isn't enough to chuck him out over. Enough to be pissed off about, but nothing more.

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 18/04/2011 21:16

Byron was "mad, bad and dangerous to know" All very romantic and all that but a real head fuck to live with.

Please. Step away from her. She is not your problem right now.

Georgimama · 18/04/2011 21:17

The stuff you described before we got to the FB stuff and this woman would be enough to send me for the door. But it's your life.