to think "dropping the kids off at nursery" does not mean "then go to the pub all day and turn up with random woman in tow at 4pm"?

[ButterpieandCheese]

Gah. I am possibly being unreasonable.

DH and I work from home (also out of home, so it's not like he is trapped in - 50% of work is around a 10 mile radius or so, 50% at home) and today only I had work on. However, we have just moved house and are having a housewarming gathering tomorrow, so there is plenty to be done. We are also pretty skint.

Today I got up after Dh and the kids (we take turns to do the really early shift, although I had been up with the baby in the night and DD1 had woken me up and spent half an hour clambering over the bed and telling me all about her favourite cereals that morning, so don't imagine a full 8 hours of peaceful slumber. I was also late to bed last night as I had to stay up to finish a report for work) and DH told me not to worry - he would drop the kids off, but could I please go on ebay and write down what needed posting to where as he was going to the post office as soon as he got back. Fair enough.

So, I got the ebay stuff done straight away, then sat down to do work on my laptop.

Anyway, after two hours I text him to see where he has got to. "ran into an old friend. She has social phobia too - you would get on well" (i don't have social phobia. I have general anxiety as a symptom of other problems, and anyway, why would that mean I would automatically get on with someone?) He did invite me for a coffee with them both, but I refused on the grounds that I had a mountain of work to do before a medical appointment that afternoon.

He texted again at 12.30, saying the same. I replied saying that actually the nurse was due here any minute. He replied saying that he was having a great time, asking silly questions of shopkeepers, and that he would be home in a minute. (?)

After the appointment, at 3.30, I texted again as he still hadn't turned up. He knows full well that this regular appoiontment always makes me much more anxious, btw. I tell him every week.

He replied with "home soon, sorry, is in quite a mess, I had to talk to her for ages". Then, at 4pm, he turns up, WITH RANDOM FRIEND IN TOW. No warning. I was on hold to the council, and then I had to ring the DLA people to have a personal conversation. I also had my laptop open as I was writing another report for work while on hold.

I said hello to friend, who then proceeded to ignore that I was on the phone and obviously working, and just chattered away, while DH disappered upstairs to do things related to ebay. When I got through to the council, I went through to the other room, so as not to be rude to his friend, and she followed me and kept trying to talk to me. Once I was off the phone, I apoligised but I really needed to make another phonecall, and so I went up to my bedroom to get the details. while I was up there I made the call, and afterwards I came out of my room to find DH, who told me he had brought this woman home so she could be my friend.

OK, so I am very shy, and so I can see that he was trying to help, but is turning up with no warning with a random mate when I am very busy the way to do it?

Anyway, I then decided that I should probably talk to the woman, so I went into DD1s room to get a bobble to tie back my hair (hadn't bothered to brush it as wasn't expecting to see anyone except the CPN, and I'm sure she has seen worse than messy hair). I turned round to see the woman in DD1s room, cornering me. The woman then, out of nowhere, said "Nick says you have mental health problems. I have social anxiety." then tried to hug me! I made the effort, I didn't push her away, despite being really, really not a huggy person, and I said "yeah...it's...difficult, isn't it? I had my nurse out today." and then the woman got really overexcited and started asking me why the nurse comes out to see me in my house and all sorts (I couldn't make out a lot of what she was saying as she was slurring her words). I just said I didn't know and apoligised again, but I WAS REALLY BUSY and so could she please GO AND FIND DH.

Then, despite the fact that I was clearly very busy, he then told his friend that he had to go and pick up the kids (Fridays are the only full day they have in nursery, so very precious for getting stuff done) but she could stay here and have a brew with me, as we were clearly getting on like a house on fire (!)

I then thought that I would just have to be outright rude and said "no, actually, I'm really busy, you will have to entertain your own guest I'm afriad." And he just looked at me and asked her again if she wanted to stay while he went out.

Luckily, she got the MASSIVE hint and left at that point.

I know I was rude, but really, I obviously don't mind his friends coming round, but expecting me to entertain them is a bit much, no? Plus the spending all day at the pub when there is loads of work to be done. (luckily he didn't seem drunk - he had said he was drinking coffee, so that must be true)

Anyway, I know I am being unreasonable to be so rude to someone apparently having trouble, but if DH had let me know at any point that she was coming I could have had a quick tidy and done all my urgent work before she came.

Not sure what to say really. You have quite a different out look to me - I'd have wanted to lamp him one if he'd said all that to me!!

What is social phobia? She doesn't sound phobic to me, following a strange woman around her home

DH does have a habit of bravado - you know, the kind of "well, obviously everyone in here wants to sleep with me, they just don't know it yet" kind of thing, but he obviously doesn't believe it - it's just a joke he makes, so saying someone fancies him isn't at all out of his normal behaviour. It's just that he did seem to be serious this time.

I'm not sure why I am so annoyed at him, but I am. It's like a perfect storm of all his bad habits - going to the pub when he should be somewhere else, assuming that I want to sit listening to him talk to people I don't even know, not doing things he said he would, being completely unaware of how he comes across to other people, and then being shocked when they react (he does it the opposite way round too - I have heard him call people every name under the sun and talk about how they should die - not aggressively, just matter of fact, and always for things like liking a band he doesn't, or being a Lib Dem, and then he is shocked if they are upset because he was only talking to them), making massive assumptions about what I will like doing, not based on anything I have ever said or done and ignoring the times when he knows full well I will be more anxious than normal.

In his mind, I am being totally unreasonable about him helping out a distressed mate. I am also unreasonable for not "making the effort" to be friends with his mate, as I have said I want to meet more people.

Btw, I also suspect that trying to get me to meet pub people is his way of deflecting me from going to the mental health support group that he hates the idea of me going to, and the women's education centre that I want to do a course at. He also doesn't like that I have cut down on my drinking drastically, and keeps trying to persuade me to drink more. I think that he hoped that if I made friends with a heavy drinker, I would get back into my old habits. Gah. These things aren't things he has banned me from or anything like that, he just doesn't think that they will be a fun thing for me to do.

I didn't get to go to the tv thing, no. But tbh I was v nervous anyway - I very rarely leave the house these days - last nights pub trip was a bit of an acheivement, so not sure I would have made it anyway, and if I did, I would have said something stupid and embarrassed myself.

i was right in my guess of who the politician was too (Ed Milliband). If they say "senior labour politician" it was always going to be him though, wasn't it - last January I went to a conference where a "senior Labour politician" was introducing it, and it was Gordon Brown, and nobody was at all surprised. Suppose it's a security thing.

All in all, I have to say your husband sounds like a total bell end. And before you leap to his defence, try to re-read all your posts on this thread from the perspective of a stranger. He's not coming over well at all, here.

springlambkin - here you go.

I hate that "oooh, you both have mental health problems - be friends!" thing that some well-meaning people try to do. I'm not surprised by her trying to hug you, either - I suspect if he was trying to make her feel better in the afternoon when they were talking, he probably threw you in there as a kind of "my wife has that too - she can talk to you about it!" and then you were, what, magically supposed to chat to this random person you hadn't met?

I am guilty of doing the same, but YANBU to be annoyed. My partner was annoyed too.

Butterpie, your DH takls about how people should die, in a matter of fact way??
Sounds to me like he thought the best way to convince this woman he was married was to introduce her to his wife, but then completely misread the situation / kept pushing when he should have realised you just weren't interested.

So, basically he wants you to do/be what he wants, not what you want?
He isn't listening to you at all.

I'm not like this 'him sabotaging your recovery', not one little bit.

I was right :( He did kiss her back.
Last night he went to the loo, and I grabbed his phone to make a silly facebook update on his account. For some reason (this must have been playing on my mind) I clicked on "messages". And there was a message from her.
It said something to the effect of "I know you were interested, reciprocating kisses etc, and I saw the look of lust in your eyes as you admired my underwear in the changing room, but you have restored my faith in marriage by refusing me"
I confronted him, at first he denied it, then he admitted that they had gone to a fancy dress shop and tried on outfits, and she had called him into the changing room, where she was topless, and he had refused her, and also that he had kissed her back, but he hadn't cheated on me, and I should be proud of him for that.
Fuck.
He then asked me which message had I read, because there was one where she said he had restored her faith in marriage. When I asked if there were other messages he said no. Why ask which then?
She also said she had been masturbating thinking about what they had talked about, and had been searching on redtube for his porn video. When I asked what porn video he said she meant a performance art piece that he had been in where he was naked. Why would that be on redtube though?

Fuck.

It's not even the kiss that I'm annoyed about. It's the lying. We have previously (although we had agreed to stop) had a habit of threesomes etc, so he knows I'm not the jealous sort physically, but to not tell me...it makes me think there is more involved. I would have been pissed off about him kissing someone else, but if he had told me straight away I would have trusted him that nothing else was going on. Now I'm not sure.

I'm so tempted to message the woman, see what her side is, but I'm not sure I could stay calm, and it was him that cheated - she's single and a free agent - OK she kissed a married man and that's not good, but it is his wedding vows.

Fuck.

What a prick your bloke sounds.

Wait.

What?

Twat!

OK (and I know it was a bad idea, but why should he have things to hide from me?) I just logged on to his fb on the pc.

Found the messages between him and her. Lots of back and forth chatting about normal things, a couple of times she makes very obvious attempts at flirting (ie " I can't come over, I'm not sure I could resist kissing you") and he ignores them, so good.

Then the messages from Friday.

Her: "Hey. Twas very good to finally catch up you with after all these years. Glorious day for a party, have fun now wontcha x"

Him: "It was good. It was glorious. Don't ever think I wasn't tempted. I was, but I have so much to lose...please understand. I would so love to waste an afternoon - WASTE? Like it would be waste - reciting Byron with my face framed by your thighs, throw care to the winds, strip you naked, drape you in Mardi Gras beads and apply all my hard-earned knowledge to improving that frankly terrible orgasm total...

But I have made a commitment. I can flirt a bit, but that's all. I'm sorry.

Still friends?"

Her: "Sorry, what is it you're banging on about? Bit distracted here searching Redtube for your porn film.
I know you were tempted. Reciprocated kisses and don't ever think i didn't notice the look in your eye as you stood behind me in the mirror admiring my form (and mis-matching underwear). It was a spur of the moment , once in a life time offer. In hindsight, I'm happy I couldn't lure you to my bed/table/floor....The majority of the 'men' i've encountered would have thrown caution to the four winds. You've restored some of my faith in the sanctity of marriage.
Besides which, I wouldn't have been able to look James in the eye. And that wouldn't lead to a possible boost in my orgasm total now, would it? No need for sorry's....I have an imagination, the deed's already been done in my mind at least. Mwha.
Friends, bien sur."

I suppose at least he is turning her down...still makes me feel sick though.

That is infidelity, yeah? I'm not going mad here?

Um, yes. I'd kill my DH.

How can I tell him that though? Last night he was just repeating that he had the chance to cheat on me and he didn't.

SOmehow those messages make it worse than if he had just had a quick shag. He actually fancied her. Oh fuck.

It's one thing to think those things, it's quite another to betray your marriage by writing them to her.

I just sent her a message asking what went on between her and my husband. At least that way I can hear her version, hopefully she will log in before he gets up and has time to message her and get thier stories straight.

OP, if this is not a troll thread you are letting your DH away with murder. First and foremost you trusted him to go drinking with a female 'friend' and then he came home with the deranged thing.

I would have bitchslapped both the DH and the obviously predatory cow out of the house.

Then you believed him when he claimed she had kissed him (funny how it's always someone elses fault) and claims he resisted her. It's too riciculous to be credible. Sorry. No self respecting wife would tolerate that crap.

Then you appear to be suprised when it turns out there was more hanky panky than he first admitted. But act jovially about him wanking over her and sex texts and FB-ing.
Then you announce you used to be into threesomes with him and aren't the jealous type? Either you don't actually fancy your husband or you have a serious problem with boundaries.

If this is not a troll, it would seem to me that your very vain and stupid husband was attempting to set up a threesome with you and the flaky bitch from the pub.

Either way yes this is infidelity. Although by previously engaging in threesomes it would appear the lines are blurred beyond anything I recognise. I couldn't entertain this shit. Really sorry that's the best I can say.

But it doesn't matter if they get their stories straight - you already know what happened, even if you do know by slighly sneaky (but under the circumstances, excusable) means. I think you should just tell him you know.

I would be devastated if I found messages like that from my husband to another woman. It is slightly different because we have never/would never have threesomes etc (no judgement implied there, it's just not our bag), but I would feel almost as strongly about that message as I would if he'd actually fucked someone, I think.

We have till 11am with the kids at home, then they go to nursery and we can talk. What on earth do I say to him? How do I act normal in front of the kids?

I can't cope without him :(

He is meant to be my fucking carer. I'm bloody ill.

Maybe that's it, maybe I'm boring now.

OP, what an odd situation you have described. Your DH's friend sounds bonkers or she is trying to come on to him. Your DH seems to have acted very oddly that day too. Hope he is not like that usually. Most normal people can usually spot cues that you are busy and leave you BOTH after max 3 minutes, esp if your DH then looked too busy to entertain her. Weird. Whether or not you "need more friends" it is very rude for them both to have behaved thus. YANBU, from what you are saying, your behaviour was just what any normal person would have done.

Thing is, the threesomes were all years ago, when we were young and oversexed. We agreed a good while ago that we don't do that anymore.

I agree, it does blur the boundaries though.

I wish I was a troll. I'm not.

I've been here for years. I namechange regulary, but for a couple of years or so, it's always been a variation on butterpie.

Cod, UCM, Nice Ham, Gavels, Penguins. Etc.

He hates me coming on here too.

I'm glad the kids can't read. They are in front of cbeebies. I'm being a rubbish mummy, but hopefully this way they won't notice anything is wrong.

Just saw your 6.03 post. That was on his FB wall?? For everyone to see? OK, that is quite wrong. Hard as it may be, I suggest you take the high road for now and not do anything, but monitor the situation. If it's on his FB wall, it's not private, but if it's on his message section it is. Then try to arrange to discuss it with him later at a time when the kids are at nursery, the answerphone is on, and the door locked to any random callers. Doesn't sound like he is even attempting to be loyal or respectful if that is on his wall (as opposed to messages) and that is not good for the relationship.

You're not being a rubbish mummy. Cbeebies for a short spell is ok.