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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think "dropping the kids off at nursery" does not mean "then go to the pub all day and turn up with random woman in tow at 4pm"?

256 replies

ButterpieandCheese · 15/04/2011 16:58

Gah. I am possibly being unreasonable.

DH and I work from home (also out of home, so it's not like he is trapped in - 50% of work is around a 10 mile radius or so, 50% at home) and today only I had work on. However, we have just moved house and are having a housewarming gathering tomorrow, so there is plenty to be done. We are also pretty skint.

Today I got up after Dh and the kids (we take turns to do the really early shift, although I had been up with the baby in the night and DD1 had woken me up and spent half an hour clambering over the bed and telling me all about her favourite cereals that morning, so don't imagine a full 8 hours of peaceful slumber. I was also late to bed last night as I had to stay up to finish a report for work) and DH told me not to worry - he would drop the kids off, but could I please go on ebay and write down what needed posting to where as he was going to the post office as soon as he got back. Fair enough.

So, I got the ebay stuff done straight away, then sat down to do work on my laptop.

Anyway, after two hours I text him to see where he has got to. "ran into an old friend. She has social phobia too - you would get on well" (i don't have social phobia. I have general anxiety as a symptom of other problems, and anyway, why would that mean I would automatically get on with someone?) He did invite me for a coffee with them both, but I refused on the grounds that I had a mountain of work to do before a medical appointment that afternoon.

He texted again at 12.30, saying the same. I replied saying that actually the nurse was due here any minute. He replied saying that he was having a great time, asking silly questions of shopkeepers, and that he would be home in a minute. (?)

After the appointment, at 3.30, I texted again as he still hadn't turned up. He knows full well that this regular appoiontment always makes me much more anxious, btw. I tell him every week.

He replied with "home soon, sorry, is in quite a mess, I had to talk to her for ages". Then, at 4pm, he turns up, WITH RANDOM FRIEND IN TOW. No warning. I was on hold to the council, and then I had to ring the DLA people to have a personal conversation. I also had my laptop open as I was writing another report for work while on hold.

I said hello to friend, who then proceeded to ignore that I was on the phone and obviously working, and just chattered away, while DH disappered upstairs to do things related to ebay. When I got through to the council, I went through to the other room, so as not to be rude to his friend, and she followed me and kept trying to talk to me. Once I was off the phone, I apoligised but I really needed to make another phonecall, and so I went up to my bedroom to get the details. while I was up there I made the call, and afterwards I came out of my room to find DH, who told me he had brought this woman home so she could be my friend. Hmm

OK, so I am very shy, and so I can see that he was trying to help, but is turning up with no warning with a random mate when I am very busy the way to do it?

Anyway, I then decided that I should probably talk to the woman, so I went into DD1s room to get a bobble to tie back my hair (hadn't bothered to brush it as wasn't expecting to see anyone except the CPN, and I'm sure she has seen worse than messy hair). I turned round to see the woman in DD1s room, cornering me. The woman then, out of nowhere, said "Nick says you have mental health problems. I have social anxiety." then tried to hug me! I made the effort, I didn't push her away, despite being really, really not a huggy person, and I said "yeah...it's...difficult, isn't it? I had my nurse out today." and then the woman got really overexcited and started asking me why the nurse comes out to see me in my house and all sorts (I couldn't make out a lot of what she was saying as she was slurring her words). I just said I didn't know and apoligised again, but I WAS REALLY BUSY and so could she please GO AND FIND DH.

Then, despite the fact that I was clearly very busy, he then told his friend that he had to go and pick up the kids (Fridays are the only full day they have in nursery, so very precious for getting stuff done) but she could stay here and have a brew with me, as we were clearly getting on like a house on fire (!)

I then thought that I would just have to be outright rude and said "no, actually, I'm really busy, you will have to entertain your own guest I'm afriad." And he just looked at me and asked her again if she wanted to stay while he went out.

Luckily, she got the MASSIVE hint and left at that point.

I know I was rude, but really, I obviously don't mind his friends coming round, but expecting me to entertain them is a bit much, no? Plus the spending all day at the pub when there is loads of work to be done. (luckily he didn't seem drunk - he had said he was drinking coffee, so that must be true)

Anyway, I know I am being unreasonable to be so rude to someone apparently having trouble, but if DH had let me know at any point that she was coming I could have had a quick tidy and done all my urgent work before she came.

OP posts:
ButterpieandCheese · 15/04/2011 17:03

Eek, sorry, didn't realise how long that was!

OP posts:
SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 15/04/2011 17:05

No YANBU. He was really weird to do this...is your anxiety affecting him more than you realise?

I would have beenvery cross if my DH had done this...I also work from home and DH understands that my work is my work....it's a really odd thing to do and the woman sounds bonkers!

perfumedlife · 15/04/2011 17:06

I think YANBU The day before a housewarming, there must be loads to get through. He had a nice day at the pub and then expected you to be thrilled to meet his drunk friend!

At least he isn't drunk, and he possibly did think you might want to chat with another in similar boat (sober though)

Has the friend come back with him a second time?

nickelbaalamb · 15/04/2011 17:09

YANBU>

he was very out of order to do that to you, and I can't believe he left her in your company when yo umade it clear you had work to do!

burntsienna · 15/04/2011 17:09

Difficult to say without hearing their side of the story. Hmm

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 15/04/2011 17:09

YANBU - if he lived her he'd be lucky to still be attached to his testicles! Twit.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 15/04/2011 17:10

burntsienna - are you new to chat sites, 'getting the other side' isn't really how it works love.

ButterpieandCheese · 15/04/2011 17:11

I know that being on here isn't exactly helping, but now I'll not be able to go the the thing tomorrow that I wanted to do before the party, because I'll be catching up with house work. GRRR.

OP posts:
burntsienna · 15/04/2011 17:13

are you new to chat sites, 'getting the other side' isn't really how it works love.

I know that.

No need to patronise.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 15/04/2011 17:16

BS: Really - you do? Then why say such a daft thing on AIBU? Hmm

Butter - give DH a list of things that need to be done and tell him to get going! If the thing in the morning is important you should do it, no one will care if you have polished the side board or not.

Niecie · 15/04/2011 17:28

YANBU

There is no other side to this story. OP's DH brought somebody home who the OP wasn't expecting and didn't have time to entertain and neither the DH nor the guest took any notice of the OP's requests to be allowed to get on. Doesn't matter about the DH's view or his motivation - he didn't help out the OP when he could have done.

Butterpie - I would have been a bit fed up too. Your DH showed a definite lack of tact both towards you and the guest - must have been embarrassing for her (or should have been if she had been sober enough to realise) being in the house when she was in the way.

ENormaSnob · 15/04/2011 17:29

Yadnbu

the whole thing is very bizarre IMO

megapixels · 15/04/2011 17:40

YANBU. I really dislike this too, that if it's a female friend I'm somehow supposed to want to be mates with her.

ButterpieandCheese · 15/04/2011 18:44

The thing I wanted to do is kind of important, ish. I've volunteered to do something political, but I'd be part of a large group, if that makes sense, so me dropping out won't make a massive difference, but if everyone drops out, then somebody will end up looking silly on tv. If that makes sense.

The thing, I think, that annoyed me the most, was the assumption that if someone else has social type problems, that a)I would automatically be their best mate and b) it would be a good idea to bring them round with no notice on a day when he knew I was busy AND would be sensitive after the appointment, in the knowledge that this person would act oddly and invasively.

I guessed right, btw, I told DH that I would have preferred some notice before he brought his drunk mate home for me to entertain (even a text five minutes earlier would have been good). He said "but you are always saying you want more friends!"

Well, so is he, but I don't go rounding up the contents of the local football stadium on the grounds that he likes football, do I?

OP posts:
ButterpieandCheese · 15/04/2011 18:47

We're not talking "polish the side board" - we're talking "move the boxes we haven't got round to unpacking out of the way so people can physically enter the house" and "don't have random internet wires everywhere". Also "provide food for indeterminate amount of people using only store cupboards and £2.50".

OP posts:
burntsienna · 15/04/2011 19:18

Yes, well, no one died, did they. Move on fgs.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 16/04/2011 10:05

burntsienna - I have the distinct feeling that MN AIBU isn't your natural habitat.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 16/04/2011 10:09

ButterPie - did you get enough done last night to enable you to go this morning? I get what you mean about it not mattering in one way, but mattering because if everyone took that attitude then it would be hopeless.

As for food for indeterminate amounts of people - that's not my thing... not even if I had an unlimted budget!? Gulp. How about a new trend of little squares of toast with charming toppings (ie whatever tins you have in the cupboard!! beans, alphabet spagetti...).

I hope it goes well today despite DH's fuckwittery yesterday!! It does sound like he did it with the best of intentions... but you really need to explain to him very clearly that this is not the way forward!!

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 16/04/2011 10:18

YANBU. Very odd behaviour by Mr Butterpie Hmm Confused

Don't you dare miss your event today - leave him an enormous list of housework/paid work and tell him there is only such a long list because HE disrupted your day! Why should YOU miss out because your DH was a muppet?

Am actually hoping you don't reply yet because you're busy being political on telly...

ButterpieandCheese · 17/04/2011 13:24

Hmm, the plot thickens...we went out for a drink after the housewarming, and DH told me "it's funny, because I had a massive crush on when we were at school, and she admitted that she used to feel the same about me!" and then later on (as he got more drunk) "poor , she obviously still fancies me, she kept turning the conversation round to sex and even tried to kiss me!"

Now, I am about as certain as anyone can be that he wouldn't actually cheat on me, so I've no worries on that front. But, does that not make bringing her home and trying to make us be friends even weirder? He says it was because he was trying to fend her off - ie if he saw his wife and his kids toys all over the house she would be put off, but was he going to let us become best mates (which seems to be what he was expecting) without telling me that she had been overtly trying to encourage him away from me?

Btw, I am fully aware that it was him who said the wedding vows - while I think it is odd behavior from her, I'm not about to act like he is some poor lost sheep that can't help it if a woman leads him astray. I'm happy that nothing else happened, although I am also pretty sure that DH would have been flirting right back, right up to the point where the friend took him seriously, and there is a slight possibility that he didn't push her off as quickly as he should.

He even admitted that it was flattering that someone found him attractive, and I know he is a massive flirt - so am I, to be fair - but we have always had a rule that we tell each other straight away (by text if need be, just so we can check the other is ok) if anything 'borderline' goes on, like sustained flirting or, you know, an attempted kiss. Tbh, I wouldn't be all that bothered if he had, more annoyed that he had avoided the housework.

When I (kind of jovially) told him that maybe he should have mentioned that before trying to make me make friends with the friend, he got in a strop about how I'm purposefully not making friends now, and I'll never get better like that.

Then - and this is worrying actually - he changed his story and said that it wasn't an attempted kiss, she just gave him a kiss on the cheek. Why would he do that???

OP posts:
elmofan · 17/04/2011 13:39

Was he trying to make you jealous ? Confused

HipposGoBeserk · 17/04/2011 13:53

What strange behaviour.

Niecie · 17/04/2011 13:55

Maybe he is trying to fend her off. Perhaps he thinks that if she becomes friends with you then she will see sense and not muscle in on him. If you don't make friends with her he can't shake her off! A bit naive though on his part. She sounds like she would have no qualms about being your friend and trying to steal your husband, since presumably the attempted kiss/kiss on the cheek was before they got back to your house on Friday. He is a bit daft if he thinks you would want to be friends with somebody who is trying to steal your husband.

Agree with elmofan though - it is a bit Confused

Not sure about changing the story. Maybe it was an attempted lip kiss that was deflected by your DH to a cheek kiss? Not so much a change of story but a change in the way of telling it?

elmofan · 17/04/2011 14:10

I could be way off here but maybe he wants this woman to be around more and by introducing you to her he is hoping you become friends .

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 17/04/2011 14:17

Hmm even more weird now!