to think "dropping the kids off at nursery" does not mean "then go to the pub all day and turn up with random woman in tow at 4pm"?

[ButterpieandCheese]

Gah. I am possibly being unreasonable.

DH and I work from home (also out of home, so it's not like he is trapped in - 50% of work is around a 10 mile radius or so, 50% at home) and today only I had work on. However, we have just moved house and are having a housewarming gathering tomorrow, so there is plenty to be done. We are also pretty skint.

Today I got up after Dh and the kids (we take turns to do the really early shift, although I had been up with the baby in the night and DD1 had woken me up and spent half an hour clambering over the bed and telling me all about her favourite cereals that morning, so don't imagine a full 8 hours of peaceful slumber. I was also late to bed last night as I had to stay up to finish a report for work) and DH told me not to worry - he would drop the kids off, but could I please go on ebay and write down what needed posting to where as he was going to the post office as soon as he got back. Fair enough.

So, I got the ebay stuff done straight away, then sat down to do work on my laptop.

Anyway, after two hours I text him to see where he has got to. "ran into an old friend. She has social phobia too - you would get on well" (i don't have social phobia. I have general anxiety as a symptom of other problems, and anyway, why would that mean I would automatically get on with someone?) He did invite me for a coffee with them both, but I refused on the grounds that I had a mountain of work to do before a medical appointment that afternoon.

He texted again at 12.30, saying the same. I replied saying that actually the nurse was due here any minute. He replied saying that he was having a great time, asking silly questions of shopkeepers, and that he would be home in a minute. (?)

After the appointment, at 3.30, I texted again as he still hadn't turned up. He knows full well that this regular appoiontment always makes me much more anxious, btw. I tell him every week.

He replied with "home soon, sorry, is in quite a mess, I had to talk to her for ages". Then, at 4pm, he turns up, WITH RANDOM FRIEND IN TOW. No warning. I was on hold to the council, and then I had to ring the DLA people to have a personal conversation. I also had my laptop open as I was writing another report for work while on hold.

I said hello to friend, who then proceeded to ignore that I was on the phone and obviously working, and just chattered away, while DH disappered upstairs to do things related to ebay. When I got through to the council, I went through to the other room, so as not to be rude to his friend, and she followed me and kept trying to talk to me. Once I was off the phone, I apoligised but I really needed to make another phonecall, and so I went up to my bedroom to get the details. while I was up there I made the call, and afterwards I came out of my room to find DH, who told me he had brought this woman home so she could be my friend.

OK, so I am very shy, and so I can see that he was trying to help, but is turning up with no warning with a random mate when I am very busy the way to do it?

Anyway, I then decided that I should probably talk to the woman, so I went into DD1s room to get a bobble to tie back my hair (hadn't bothered to brush it as wasn't expecting to see anyone except the CPN, and I'm sure she has seen worse than messy hair). I turned round to see the woman in DD1s room, cornering me. The woman then, out of nowhere, said "Nick says you have mental health problems. I have social anxiety." then tried to hug me! I made the effort, I didn't push her away, despite being really, really not a huggy person, and I said "yeah...it's...difficult, isn't it? I had my nurse out today." and then the woman got really overexcited and started asking me why the nurse comes out to see me in my house and all sorts (I couldn't make out a lot of what she was saying as she was slurring her words). I just said I didn't know and apoligised again, but I WAS REALLY BUSY and so could she please GO AND FIND DH.

Then, despite the fact that I was clearly very busy, he then told his friend that he had to go and pick up the kids (Fridays are the only full day they have in nursery, so very precious for getting stuff done) but she could stay here and have a brew with me, as we were clearly getting on like a house on fire (!)

I then thought that I would just have to be outright rude and said "no, actually, I'm really busy, you will have to entertain your own guest I'm afriad." And he just looked at me and asked her again if she wanted to stay while he went out.

Luckily, she got the MASSIVE hint and left at that point.

I know I was rude, but really, I obviously don't mind his friends coming round, but expecting me to entertain them is a bit much, no? Plus the spending all day at the pub when there is loads of work to be done. (luckily he didn't seem drunk - he had said he was drinking coffee, so that must be true)

Anyway, I know I am being unreasonable to be so rude to someone apparently having trouble, but if DH had let me know at any point that she was coming I could have had a quick tidy and done all my urgent work before she came.

I think he is a BULLY - CHEAT - EMOTIONAL ABUSER.

Yes, he has some good points but they don't negate the above.

I was LissyGlitter. Since then I've been all sorts, but mostly butter pie related.

I feel really touched that people remember me!

I'm reluctant to mock the woman - I think that often the OW takes the brunt of the anger, and it is the married man that is the one who misbehaved. Yes, she was wrong, but who knows what he told her? He could have told her we are in an open relationship. He could have told her I am an abusive cowbag. He could have told her he is only with me because of the kids/my mental health.

That is why i want to hear her side I think - I want to know what made her think it would be ok. She is ten years older than me (presuming she was in the same school year as him) so she is hardly some young innocent.

although she is still denying everything. Should I c+p what she has sent me on fb? (sorry for all the mentions of fb, but it is my main social outlet - I do much better in writing)

Butterpie, you are being too charitable. I completely agree the man takes the vows and is responsible for cheating or not (and vice versa of course) but while I have argued it's not up to the single person to establish beyond doubt that the other person is single, that doesn't mean deliberately going for a married man is OK. He is to blame more than her, but that doesn't mean she's blameless. If I were you I'd be angry with her too.

x post sorry, yes iswym

ButterpieandCheese.

Yes I think you're right - and that he probably seduced and manipulated this female person and pulled her in. He gave her the come on and he liked the attention back. THEN he acts as if she was chasing him. I don't buy it.

You can c+p to her and then disengage. I don't think a post mortem is going to exonerate either her OR him. There seems to be a pair of them in it.

Even if you do c+p to her what you have she will probably talk her way out of it.

I think the pair of them see you are vulnerable and are mugging you off bigtime. Whether she is getting some sort of sick kick by trying to befriend you I do not know. Maybe she is on drugs or something, maybe it gives her some sort of sense of power. Her behaviour is weird.

But you can be sure she doesn't have your best interests at heart.

I think he may have done it for the right reasons but went about it the right way.

I have anxiety issues and having someone thrust upon does not help.

• sorry wrong way

Butterpie: You are being WAY too kind. This is not an isolated female that your H happened to befriend, fill her full of BS, 'My wife doesn't understand me' nonsense, this woman came to YOUR house!!! She SAW you and she STILL went for it.

Or do I have my timing slightly out and she stuck her tongue down your H's throat and THEN tried to befriend you?

My dear fucking God woman, you ARE being mugged. You need to start kicking some arse here.

Sue - done what for the right reasons??

before you even mentioned threesomes, the first thing i thought was he wants to have one with you and this silly bint.

OK.

Me: OK. What the fuck happened between you and my husband?

Her: hello. Nothing other than drunkard ramblings. It was a joke. One in bad taste.my apologies for causing worry. Obviously you noticed my message. Joke like. Guess you had to be there to get it.

Her; a further explanation...is no doubt needed. If i were you i'd certainly want one. Tricky, we covered so much. We talked about how we used to fancy eachother when at school. But never did anything about it thus i seem to recall us playing out what might have occured,uhm 20 years ago. That's where the salacious story ends. Do you understand? If not am happy to go on and on...

Me: I just want to know exactly what happened. Who touched who where and when. How long it has been going on. Where were you? Who saw?
Did he tell you that on friday he was meant to be with me at my appointment with my psychiractric nurse? In my house because I am too anxious and ill to make it to appointments at ?

Her: ah my god. I missed my 1st appt. there last week since i was too anxious to go.who are you seeing? No shit. He told me you were coming along, to the pub. But then said no , she aint. I have no clue now of the truth's he told me. You have little to worry about re and me. The catch up was all i wanted. I have chronic social phobia incidently. Life's swell. Ask more if you have the need. Am not the husband pinching whore you no doubt think i am.

Me: Like I say, I don't blame you. The women get blamed too much in these situations. The sisterhood should be stronger then that, we need to recognise that it's not ok for men to treat us like shit and leave us squabbling amongst ourselves. I just thought , with his poetry and his open mind, was better than that.
Please stop avoiding the question though. How many kisses? Who kissed who? Where did the rest happen?

Her: Everything i've punched into this frankly absurd device is true. It was a , oh i haven't seen you in years thing . Absolutely no need for his version nor mine. Ask if you need more resolve.

Me: I need to know exactly what happened. As in, if it was described legally. Please do me that respect. Most people, when they see an old school friend, have a chat and a reminise about teachers or something. Not cheat on their wives.

Her: this is beyond ridiculous but i obviously see your view point. We talked for hours, lot's to catch up on. As it went on more secrets came to light. We left weatherspoons and then me in my most sepient being noticed a fancy dress shop. I have an Easter 'do' coming up. Tried on an outfit,twas shit. packed it up for me. He briefly saw me in my underwear in the mirrow. He went all spazz and hurried out. You have a good man. Now, please give me credit for honesty. No cheating.

Me: That's not the story he told me, and why would he exaggerate what happened? And what does 'more secrets came to light' mean?
Thankyou for talking to me btw. I can only imagine what lies he told you about me.

Her: well, there are blanks in my memory. Don't roll your eyes,i take valium. I often wake up not knowing what occured. I take valium 'cause like i said. Got social phobia with associated depression and other such things. I gave him a drunkard scenario. He laughed,we both did. I went home. He didn't cheat . Mebbe he lied a bit,by the sounds of it he did. Mebbe i did too. Why would he exaggerate? I dunno. I don't know him. Blame me, i was tickled by his wit. I was about to say nothing happened but that's a lie. We had fun talking about school and who was bullied the most etc. Other than that, nothing occured sista. I'm too jaded to buy into the twank men talk. It was a joke mind. Bit of flirtation yes,that it. Ask more if needs be.

Me: I take diazepam, mood stabilisers and sleeping tablets. I'm also on paracetomol and coedine for problems from having the baby. Doesn't matter for the purposes of this conversation, except is obviously continuing his habit of taking advantage of vulnerable women.
So, you are saying, let me get this clear, that nothing happened at all that would be at all inappropiate if I'd had been there? You just talked about old times, and he completely accidentally walked in on you getting changed and immeditely left?
The messages I found going between the two of you were a joke?

Her: i am with you there re meds. If you had been there i think the same thing would have occured. By the by, i've encountered many men who take advantage of 'vulnerable' women. I wish them nothing but Karma. I wasn't fed any lines, well prolly was but nothing i hadn't already heard. Yes. Joke. He prolly did see me in the mirrow but he packed up the outfit and hurried out like an fing teen. He looked am sure, and? I had underwear on. Hence his ineptness. Looky, you're very good at getting the truth from folk. That's what happened. It was and still is a joke of what might have been.. The email sounds so serious dunt it. Twasn't. (that was the joke,for me anyway). There was temptation, it was resisted.

i freaked out when i had my appt.. Couldn't even get a taxi there. Have you resolve?

Her: this is a joke,surely?!

Me: What is? Sorry, I'm distracted. Looking up divorce proceedings.

Her: mwhaha. Stop that,now. Do you wish to talk?

Me: What???

Her: mwhaha. Stop that,now. Do you wish to talk?

Gah. Maybe she is on drugs, she types worse than me! Sorry, bitchiness is uncalled for.

she writes like courtney love

I think I'm going to ring her. and then make DH defriend her. and then...I dunno.

We have an appointment at relate, anyway, day after tomorrow.

why ring her?

Very very very weird.

Please don't contact her anymore she sounds unhinged. I found it quite threatening actually, all that "ask me if you want to know more" followed by total evasion.

Regardless of. Your husband told her he wanted to recite Byron while framed by her legs. The wanker.

They are of the coutney love type of generation - he is 35, so she is either 35 or 36. So, they are younger than CL, but prime age to think her really cool.

You are being way too generous... what about the reciprocated kisses??? where is she talking about them to you?

I'd bin the pair of them.

Your issue is with DH, not this fruit loop, she has nothing invested in your relationship, she sounds off the hook weird.

Good god!

She sounds like she's getting off on this.

it's the pointless wordiness of it all. i think sidestep her and deal with lord byron being an insufferable fanny.

a bit weird. are you really ok with him being a massive flirt or are you kidding yourself? i can't say it would have helped my anxiety when i was really going through it.

Blimey. She has a bizarre eloquence about her messages that to me shout manipulative calculating bitch

But I could be wrong

Butterpieand Cheese.

Are you OK - how's it made you feel?