to think "dropping the kids off at nursery" does not mean "then go to the pub all day and turn up with random woman in tow at 4pm"?

[ButterpieandCheese]

Gah. I am possibly being unreasonable.

DH and I work from home (also out of home, so it's not like he is trapped in - 50% of work is around a 10 mile radius or so, 50% at home) and today only I had work on. However, we have just moved house and are having a housewarming gathering tomorrow, so there is plenty to be done. We are also pretty skint.

Today I got up after Dh and the kids (we take turns to do the really early shift, although I had been up with the baby in the night and DD1 had woken me up and spent half an hour clambering over the bed and telling me all about her favourite cereals that morning, so don't imagine a full 8 hours of peaceful slumber. I was also late to bed last night as I had to stay up to finish a report for work) and DH told me not to worry - he would drop the kids off, but could I please go on ebay and write down what needed posting to where as he was going to the post office as soon as he got back. Fair enough.

So, I got the ebay stuff done straight away, then sat down to do work on my laptop.

Anyway, after two hours I text him to see where he has got to. "ran into an old friend. She has social phobia too - you would get on well" (i don't have social phobia. I have general anxiety as a symptom of other problems, and anyway, why would that mean I would automatically get on with someone?) He did invite me for a coffee with them both, but I refused on the grounds that I had a mountain of work to do before a medical appointment that afternoon.

He texted again at 12.30, saying the same. I replied saying that actually the nurse was due here any minute. He replied saying that he was having a great time, asking silly questions of shopkeepers, and that he would be home in a minute. (?)

After the appointment, at 3.30, I texted again as he still hadn't turned up. He knows full well that this regular appoiontment always makes me much more anxious, btw. I tell him every week.

He replied with "home soon, sorry, is in quite a mess, I had to talk to her for ages". Then, at 4pm, he turns up, WITH RANDOM FRIEND IN TOW. No warning. I was on hold to the council, and then I had to ring the DLA people to have a personal conversation. I also had my laptop open as I was writing another report for work while on hold.

I said hello to friend, who then proceeded to ignore that I was on the phone and obviously working, and just chattered away, while DH disappered upstairs to do things related to ebay. When I got through to the council, I went through to the other room, so as not to be rude to his friend, and she followed me and kept trying to talk to me. Once I was off the phone, I apoligised but I really needed to make another phonecall, and so I went up to my bedroom to get the details. while I was up there I made the call, and afterwards I came out of my room to find DH, who told me he had brought this woman home so she could be my friend.

OK, so I am very shy, and so I can see that he was trying to help, but is turning up with no warning with a random mate when I am very busy the way to do it?

Anyway, I then decided that I should probably talk to the woman, so I went into DD1s room to get a bobble to tie back my hair (hadn't bothered to brush it as wasn't expecting to see anyone except the CPN, and I'm sure she has seen worse than messy hair). I turned round to see the woman in DD1s room, cornering me. The woman then, out of nowhere, said "Nick says you have mental health problems. I have social anxiety." then tried to hug me! I made the effort, I didn't push her away, despite being really, really not a huggy person, and I said "yeah...it's...difficult, isn't it? I had my nurse out today." and then the woman got really overexcited and started asking me why the nurse comes out to see me in my house and all sorts (I couldn't make out a lot of what she was saying as she was slurring her words). I just said I didn't know and apoligised again, but I WAS REALLY BUSY and so could she please GO AND FIND DH.

Then, despite the fact that I was clearly very busy, he then told his friend that he had to go and pick up the kids (Fridays are the only full day they have in nursery, so very precious for getting stuff done) but she could stay here and have a brew with me, as we were clearly getting on like a house on fire (!)

I then thought that I would just have to be outright rude and said "no, actually, I'm really busy, you will have to entertain your own guest I'm afriad." And he just looked at me and asked her again if she wanted to stay while he went out.

Luckily, she got the MASSIVE hint and left at that point.

I know I was rude, but really, I obviously don't mind his friends coming round, but expecting me to entertain them is a bit much, no? Plus the spending all day at the pub when there is loads of work to be done. (luckily he didn't seem drunk - he had said he was drinking coffee, so that must be true)

Anyway, I know I am being unreasonable to be so rude to someone apparently having trouble, but if DH had let me know at any point that she was coming I could have had a quick tidy and done all my urgent work before she came.

Oh my god... I have just read about all the messaging and kissing he did - really, what are you doing with him?!

I know exactly why he hates you coming on here - because we will all tell you that you are not married to a good person and he treats you like shit. I really don't get why you are with him, I'm sorry I really don't

Reality. What the FUCK is going on with all these wankers?

Butterpie this is awful to read. Clarifying as much for my own mind as anything else:

1. You have mental health issues, he supports you but leaves you to do everything in the house and with the children.

1. He lied repeatedly about a woman he subsequently bought home, who you later found out he was hedging his bets with?

He isnt being respectful, he is playing hard to get so that when he does betray you he can say "she chased me, I tried to refuse so often and in the end it was just too much". He sounds like a controlling, selfish arse and his whole thing about you not going to support groups is an attempt to stop you getting well, confident and leaving him.

Fecker.

This is emotional abuse of the more tormenting and twisted variety - and I don't think the OP seems ready to see this reality.

Where are you butterpie? Worried x

Wow this thread has gone off at a bit of a tangent! It started off with rather naive, clueless and lazy husband who brought a strange person home and didn't do the chores he was supposed to.

Then it turns out he is actually an unfaithful (near as damn it), emotionally controlling nasty piece of work!

Butterpie I hope you are OK. This is one serious can of worms that has been opened by his strange day on Friday. I hope you can get to the bottom of things and find out what is really going on. Unless you do I should imagine it will be very hard to trust your H for a very long time to come, if ever. At the very least he has to acknowledge how bad his behaviour has been but even then, I fear for your relationship. He sounds manipulative and/or seriously delusional if thought that he could get away with this behaviour.

I'm here.

I'm a bit shocked really by what you are all saying.

We have DD1 at home ill so we've not had much of a chance to talk, but he has promised to stop drinking, and to go to the GP as he thinks he has some form of depression or something. He says he will do anything to keep me.

TBH, I'm not strong enough to be without him, I'm only just coping as it is. I don't actually do what he says, btw - I still come on here and I'm booked to go to the support group and so on. Very nervous, but am hoping that going to a few groups will get me out and make me confident again.

I sent the woman a fb message, asking her what happened, and she kept denying it, and then trying to turn the conversation onto herself and how she did have an appointment to see a MH nurse, but couldn't, blah blah. I couldn't care less - she seems to still be trying to be friends. I don't blame her - I think that a married man should be the one responsible if he breaks those vows, and it is the odd way society is that makes us blame the OW. Still, to carry on trying to make friends is very odd.

Do you think I should show him this thread? I don't think he gets how massively serious this is. I'm thinking I should give him a written list of things he hvs to do to regain my trust - no further contact with the friend, even letting me know if he sees her in the street, no drinking, no going to the pub without me for a few weeks, and after that maybe limit it to once a week or so? Start taking both kids out, just him, to playgroups and so on, let me be totally in charge of money (I hate sums, they really, really stress me, but when he has been in charge the bills haven't been paid). I need him to acknowledge that putting me down in public is wrong, that slamming doors is wrong, that posting abusive messges to my friends on the internet is wrong.

I sound pathetic, but I love him, I need this to work. He is only my second ever boyfriend, and the first one drank a lot more and took drugs and wouldn't let me have kids at all, so he is an improvement, and DH likes the same music and is the only person I have ever found who will talk about politics and literature with me. We bake bread and grow veg and we nearly home educated the kids until my health got in the way.

Butterpie - you deserve so much more than this. Just because you haven't in the past, doesn't mean you couldn't in the future - if you leave him. I know you are recently married, but it doesn't mean you have to stay in a bad relationship!

Hi again, sorry to hear your DD ill, hope she recovers soon. Make sure you get enough rest for yourself.

Am in agreement that your DH really out of order here - he is not being faithful in the proper sense of the word. And it is really shocking behaviour when he has a wife and kids.

I strongly advise you not to show him your Mumsnet page or account. Men act oddly in the context of their bad behaviour in that if they are told the wife's friends (even if they are strangers or just aquaintances) support him and despise what he does - it doesn't make them think, oh well, I must change. It makes them act out more. Women might change.

I'm not the world's best authority on relationships but I know you do need good support and good advice at this time. Do pick carefully what you are told and what to listen to, as some advice can be careless, wrong or detrimental. Sift through it carefully and see what seems sensible to you. RELATE, the counselling and relationship charity, has some good advice and tips on their website - and it is also worth dropping in in person to one of their branches near you if your time and schedule allow, preferably without kids in tow so you can concentrate and even have a little cry if that helps you to blow off steam. I would really urge you at least to check out their website in the first instance before you decide what to do.

Can I add: no matter how needy / high maintenance / flawed a woman (but I could be referring to a partner of any gender) is, it doesn't give their partner the right to misbehave with other women the way he has. If he were single, separated or divorced, he can do that. It is unfortunate you had to find out through his messages and FB, but if he has told you his log in details, he is hardly keeping it private or discreet - not that hiding his dalliances makes it right.

And for that matter: you and the kids CAN manage without him, if this behaviour continues. When the children are older they will need good role models for parental behaviour. You think you can't at the moment, but with good planning, organisation and gathering round the right friends and any family members you can get on well with around you, it is possible. And you can get your GP or other health professionals that you trust to help support you in terms of having someone to help monitor your mental health condition with appropriate therapy/support groups/medication.

I really do feel for you, it is not an uncommon situation for mums and kids nowadays sadly, I think I speak for many on MN that you have much support here.

P.S. I am not necessarily saying you must split up - obviously that has huge ramifications as you have children - but he needs to stop his behaviour, at the very least attend counselling together and show that he is genuinely trying to do his best for his wife and family, not just embarrassed because he got caught.

If it comes down to it that he can't be a normal spouse - ie be faithful, not undermine you at home and in front of your friends, and genuinely pitch in to help with bringing up the children, then splitting up may be the healthiest for the kids and yourself. But if he can genuinely change his behaviour and start being a good father and husband, then of course it would be much better with the children's dad around. It doesn't matter if he's your first, second or 22nd boyfriend - what matters is that what he is doing at present is simply not ok for a spouse and father to behave.

Also think of what sort of environment you want your children to have around them. Be strong for them! You can do this!

The woman has given me her phone number, she says to ring for a chat. Why though?

Does relate not cost lots? We're really skint, in fact one of the terms I have set is that he lets me apply for the £100 pw HB that he has been "too ashamed" to give me his financial details for before now, so we can afford the rent.

WTF this gets weirder and weirder.

I'd phone her just to see what she says. and yell

Please Butterpie do NOT get sucked in by this woman. She is at best ill and at worst a manipulative bitch. She AND your DP are BOTH to blame for what happened. Do not talk to her on the phone.

It's NOT APPROPRIATE for her to be drinking and hanging around with a married man she fancies and then trying to hoodwink the wife (you) into thinking she is excused because she is ill.

Your DH is also to blame of course for his part and I'm sorry him cryinf depression sounds like an attempt at ducking responsibility.

I am a long term sufferer of depression and it takes work and personal responsibility to help ones-self to deal with it. It does NOT exempt the sufferer from sly, selfish behaviour like both your DH and this woman are partaking in.

You need to find your inner angry person. You need to be the Queen of your Castle and tell this woman to fuck the fuck off out of yourn life and away from your DH. You need to tell her you don't give two flying fucks about her MH issues.

Then you need to speak to your husband. If he really is as oblivious and thick as to what is acceptable to you then you need to outline it clearly and unapologetically to him. He has been let away with muder. I never heard such a string of boundary violations by a man to his wife.

Unfortunately a Leopard may not change his spots. The fact that you started the relationship with threesomes and him starring in 'performance art' porn clips on RedTube does not bode well. You seem to assume he now knows that you two are switching to a more traditional relationship model and you seem to think he automatically knows what's expected now of him. But from what you've written I'm not seeing that.

Finally you sound a little bit down and beaten. You need to start getting some support for yourself. You need to surround yourself with some good people that want what's best for you. You are in the grand scheme of things very young.

Please do not accept any more shit. He says he will do anything to keep you. Well you test him at his word. Ask for what you want and need and no more bringing flaky dramatic idiots into your home your sanctuary. You get to say who comes throuh your front door. He has shown such a catastophic lack of judgement I hardly know where to start.

Meanwhile best of luck op and start kicking ass.

this is so awful :(

he is a complete knob

please get rid :(

Was your husband the one writing those awful things on FB about you? Calling you 'it' and stuff? (apologies if I've got the wrong person)

Don't ring her. She is a Bad Person. Only a Bad Person would snob a man and then go to his house, meet his wife and then try and strike up a friendship while sending purple prose to the man and yuck. Seriously this is yuck.

As for him? Bad Person as well I'm afraid. Sorry. X

Curly speaks sense, listen to her!

And you know, just by virtue of being a woman I "have a chance to cheat" every time I go into a bar. I never do, though, and I don't think that entitles me to f*cking medal! And the fact that he talked about Byron with her after he had done that with you is inexcusable.

Call her and tell her to fck off, then tell him to get himself together or fck off.

*snog. DYAC

Don't talk to her ever again - why do so? So she can feed you shit? He is to cut ALL contact with her - he Must be given this ultimatum

He needs help - I feel so sorry for you that you feel you can't live without someone as awful as him

You can

Yes, actually, upon further thought don't call her. "Her side" is not important now.

Butterpie I remember your wedding threads. You deserve much better than this.

I don't remember the wedding threads.