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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that my MIL was way, way out of order about this and I deserve an apology?

173 replies

InstropwithMIL · 11/04/2011 11:03

Namechanged.
Went shopping with MIL yesterday. My birthday a few weeks ago and she wanted -no INSISTED- on buying me a present for it (I put 'inisited' in capitals because I don't want anybody to think I pressurised her into it. I did not. 'We must buy you what you want' she said. Made a really big deal of this getting what I want). Anyway, after a few walks around a few shops, I saw a lovely vase that I fancied (I was careful that it fell into price range that she was prepared to spend) . I presented her with vase, to which her response was:' I'm not buying that. It's horrible!!

I am afraid this soured the whole weekend for me, and I was not as 'accommadating' to her needs as usual.

I can't stand her now and do not know how to move on from this (for my husband's sake) Couldn't care less if I never saw her again.

OP posts:

MsScarlett · 11/04/2011 14:53

Is this a joke?

The OP is a troll surely? If not that she is mental.

"I'm just going to have to become as unpleasant as she is. It's the only way."

Whatever happened to "turn the other cheek". The OP will make a fab, tolerant MIL one day as well I'm sure!

worraliberty · 11/04/2011 14:53

I don't understand.

Is this thread all about the vase or not?......

flyingspaghettimonster · 11/04/2011 14:54

I think it is a fairly normal response if you hate the thing somebody wants, not to want to be the ony paying for it. My mother goes shopping with me and will sometimes want to buy me something I like - but only if she likes it too... as a teen we learned to just say we liked the same things she did because that was the best way to get a new pair of shoes or what have you. Instead of seeing this as your mother in law trying to offend you and being deliberately horrible, couldn't you view it as that she feels comfortable enough with you to think of you as family, and not hold back on opinions?

I'd rather have a mother in law who could be honest with me than a simpering fake politeness...

exoticfruits · 11/04/2011 15:00

I'd rather have a mother in law who could be honest with me than a simpering fake politeness...

How true-you should be comfortable enough to give a true reaction. I'm sure OP would have taken it from her own mother.

You can imagine it from MIL side

'my DIL is very touchy and difficult to get on with. I was scared of getting the wrong present so took her to choose-she picked a hideous vase and I should have bitten my tongue, but I told her the truth, and now she never wants to speak to me again!'

serendipity16 · 11/04/2011 15:01

takethisonehereforastart - Sorry to hear your MIL was so nasty & cruel with her comments.
I had a stillborn daughter too, my MIL said to me - "You should feel lucky, i know a woman who had 15 miscarriages".
My own mum said to me after viewing my daughters body at the undertakers - "When Steve (family friend) and i came out we were both physically sick".
I sat on my bed (lived with her at the time) shocked she'd just said that to me about my baby..... waited until she left & cried my eyes out.
About 3wks later she bought a life like baby doll that cried & her & my sister would make it cry & try coming up to my room with it!!!
Some people are just selfish, heartless idiots.

shockers · 11/04/2011 15:05

serendipity I have just wept with shock.

exoticfruits · 11/04/2011 15:06

This was simply about an outing to buy a vase serendipidy!!!

exoticfruits · 11/04/2011 15:08

I should have said that I was sorry for your situation serendipidy, but OP's situation was trivial-yours wasn't.

working9while5 · 11/04/2011 15:18

Serendipity and takethisonehereforastart, so sorry for your losses and the callousness you have experienced.

Serendipity, I can't understand why they would do that with the doll. It was bad enough to be so heartless, but WHY?

confuddledDOTcom · 11/04/2011 15:19

You're a widow? Sorry I didn't realise. So this is your second husband?

PinkToeNails · 11/04/2011 15:19

Your original post is so funny.

However, now that I've read a bit more about what your MIL is like I can see why you were annoyed. It is a bit strange to offer to buy a present and then refuse. It does seem like she doesn't really care what you want and just wants to be seen as the good person for doing a good deed.

It's probably not worth getting so worked up about though. She's here to stay so try to let the things that annoy you about her go over your head otherwise you'll be wasting a lot of emotional energy being angry with her when it seems she is totally oblivious to how anyone else feels about anything.

BitOfFunnyBunny · 11/04/2011 15:26

Jillkh- have you spent much time on internet messageboards? They are not much like mother & toddler groups, to be honest. They are for expressing opinions, debating, joking, sometimes arguing and disagreeing. Often there is information and support too.

The Dalai Lama has never, to my knowledge, posted on Am I Being Unreasonable.

Jins · 11/04/2011 15:30

It's like every mother and toddler group I ever attended if I'm honest but at least this way nobody sees your face

hocuspontas · 11/04/2011 15:33

I don't see why op's dh can't see mil on his own. The op is effectively saying she sees mil for her dh's sake. He's a grown man and can see his mother on his terms, op doesn't really have to be involved at all. Less angst all round I would imagine.

confuddledDOTcom · 11/04/2011 15:41

I've been fortunate with our mothers over the death of my little girl, they were very supportive. My dad was rather blunt when Mum asked if he wanted to hold her and made a comment about having seen a lot of babies that age (he's a radiographer and has x-rayed babies as part of their postmortem) OH's dad wouldn't come to see us and didn't understand why his mum did, he called our daughter - who had lived independently - a miscarriage and said why would anyone want to see, he made similar comments about her funeral and MIL had to explain she was a "real" baby.

Our minister couldn't understand why we wanted a funeral for her.

My grandma looked in her coffin and said "where is it?"

I've not fallen out with any of them.

Tokyotwist · 11/04/2011 16:03

The whole outing sounds like an attempt to control and put you in your place. You're an adult and your opinion should not just be dismissed by her as if she was dealing with a child. Particularly when she sets you up in the first place.
In my experience the only way to deal with this sort of person, is not to bite in the first place. Next time just insist she chooses herself. If it makes it easier tell her you like to be surprised.
But do not give her the satisfaction of making you look like the childish one by falling out over "a vase". Believe me, that is what it will look like (as you can see from all the somewhat harsh responses on here).

Original poster

InstropwithMIL · 12/04/2011 08:28

OK, had time to reflect on this. I think I was wrong about some of the things I did on this thread but right about other things.

MrSpoc, I'm sorry but on the issue of buying somebody a present, it does not matter one jot if the buyer likes it or not. The buyer who insists on buying somebody a present buys it for the person whether or not they themselves like it (within price range). There is not an etiquette guide that would disagree with me on this. End of. Can't and won't back down on this one. My MIL was way, way out of order.

BUT, I can understand the flaming I got for saying I wanted her out of my life without presenting full story first, as it does seem OTT to say this without other information. Fair enough. Perhaps people can now understand that this is not about an effing vase or me being 'spoilt'
You see this is the latest in a string of incidents such as this e.g. Using her 'perfect' son-in-law to have a dig at my husband, bullshit about him (her Son-in-law being a 'better son' to her etc. Christ, if this IS the case, why the hell does she not do the decent thing and never visit us. It would be better all around).

So I guess this is 'final straw' territory for me- if it was an isolated incident, I'd be saying here, 'Why has my nice MIL flipped?'

OP posts:

givequicheachance · 12/04/2011 09:09

So if she was otherwise nice but then refused to buy you a vase you would think she had "flipped"?

exoticfruits · 12/04/2011 09:14

I think that people need full information if you are on AIBU-we go on the information presented which was that it isn't reasonable to sever family connections over a vase!

Original poster

InstropwithMIL · 12/04/2011 09:28

I would think it strange if anybody made a massive fuss over getting somebody something e.g. 'We must get you a present', 'No son, this is not about what you want to get this is what (my name) wants' and then not actually getting the thing the person wanted! I'd find this strange in anybody.
Surely the normal thing to do -for the sake of harmony and keeping the peace- would be for the buyer to think inwardly- 'God, that's awful' but just actually say, 'That's nice. Let's go to counter and I'll buy it for you'.
I mean why create disharmony when it could have been so very, very easily avoided?

If she were normally nice, I would be very puzzled now but, as she is a nightmare, anyway, I'm more angry than anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

InstropwithMIL · 12/04/2011 09:44

Also, for the 'it's just a vase' people here, if it is, as you say, just a vase, then surely the logical thing for my MIL to do would be to just buy the bloody thing and not humiliate me in the shop by announcing in a loud voice, 'I'm not buying that. It's horrible'

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 12/04/2011 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

InstropwithMIL · 12/04/2011 09:58

StewieGriffinsMom, good idea. I've had time to reflect now and think from now on, I won't be getting any presents I dislike from MIL (but, unlike her, I put a smile on my face and say, 'that's lovely. thank you') or go through any stuff about her asking what I want as a present anymore.
One good thing now is that I'll probably be getting vouchers for M&S or John Lewis for rest of time. So at least I'll be able to get what I want from now on so there is a positive!

OP posts:

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